by Brandi Evans
Still, she let out a contented sigh and grinned. "Thanks for continuing to make me do this. I feel amazing."
From her mat crammed beside Katlyn's, Carrie chuckled. "It was no problem. Although, if you keep making this sort of progress, soon, I'm gonna be struggling to keep up with you!"
Katlyn laughed. She doubted she was anywhere approaching Carrie's level of fitness, but Katlyn had to admit she'd made incredible progress. Physically, she was recovering nicely. She'd even managed to put on five pounds! Emotionally, however, she still had a way to go.
A month ago, she couldn't hold downward dog for more than ten seconds without her arms shaking, but today, only twenty-nine days later, she could do entire flows with something approaching grace and poise. Half the time, she still felt like a knobby-kneed baby deer on roller-skates, but progress was progress.
Maddox had spent her first week here at home with her, but eventually, he'd gone back to work. He'd had to. She couldn't remember which of them had been more nervous on his first day back. She'd kept hugging herself. He'd kept reassuring her. He'd gone over and over all the ways he'd made the apartment safe for her. He'd reminded her about the small, keychain taser he'd bought her for self-defense. He'd saved his cell, Carter's cell, Raven's cell, Carrie's cell and office, his office number, and the precinct number into the smartphone he'd bought her.
He'd bought her a cell phone! A brand new one, too. She'd never had a smartphone before. The cell she'd had in college had made phone calls, and that was about it, which had been enough for Jeff. He'd taken it and the house phone from her, but here was Maddox, doing his best to make sure she had contact with people. He'd been amazing.
Despite how comfortable she was around him, she still felt strange alone in his apartment, but she was developing a daily life-after-Jeff routine. Every weekday morning, she woke with Maddox at the crack of dawn and made him breakfast while he dressed for work. For the first week, he'd kept insisting she didn't have to, but eventually, she'd convinced him she wanted to. Sure, obligation might play a small role in her actions. How could it not? She wanted to pay him back for all the kindness he'd bestowed on her. What kind of self-respecting woman would she be if she did nothing in return for all he'd given her?
Once he left for work, she would settle on the sofa with Sarge, a cup of coffee, and a book: self-help reads, romances, paranormals, whatever touched her fancy. Currently, she was halfway through The Celtic Twilight by William Yeats, and she was immensely enjoying it. That part of her new morning routine was, as Carrie jokingly called it, selfishness therapy. She'd insisted Katlyn take time for herself, and most importantly, to stop feeling guilty for taking that time.
Afternoons were the hardest, as she never knew quite what to do with herself. She usually reserved the time for cleaning and playing with Sarge. She'd grown ridiculously attached to that dang dog. If she couldn't have her two-legged protector around all the time, then she'd take her four-legged one any day of the week. She wished she could take Sarge for walks around the neighborhood, but she was still too afraid Jeff was lurking around every corner.
"I've been thinking about going back to work." Katlyn spoke the words softly, trying them out. The idea sort of terrified her. She hadn't had a job in years, and her nursing licensure had long-since expired. "I can retake my boards, but it'll be expensive."
Which was an understatement. Testing fees and study materials could quickly run upward of five hundred dollars, and that was before she factored in practice tests, a computer because most things were online now, and more—which was where her wish of going back to work fizzled. She still didn't have money of her own. Oh, Maddox made sure she never went without, but she couldn't ask this of him. He was already doing so much to help her.
"Wanting to go back to work is awesome, Katie. It shows growth."
"But…"
"No buts." Carrie pushed into a cross-legged position. "You just need a plan. When I leave, I want you to grab a pen and some paper and then start listing out what you want and what you'd need to accomplish it. Now, I've never taken nursing boards, but I had to pass my own licensing exams to be a therapist. I know they're pricey, but for round one of this little venture, I don't want you to think about money. Just start making a list, and then, we'll talk it through on our next session. There's financial assistance out there for people like you, and I can help you with that. I'm sure Maddox will, too."
"Yeah, I'm sure he would."
"Have you talked to him about this?"
Katlyn shook her head. She'd been too afraid to rock the boat.
Afraid…
She hated that that word still held so much damn power over her.
"You should," Carrie said. "I'm sure he'd help, too."
"I know he would. He's been beyond incredible."
Carrie's gaze sharpened. "Katlyn Stephanie Matthews, did something happen between you two that you didn't tell me?" This wasn't a question said by a therapist.
Katlyn mirrored her friend's position, and they sat facing each other on their yoga mats. Nostalgia made her smile. How many times had they sat like this in their dorm room, talking about classes, dreaming of the future, or chatting about the Doms who'd tempted them at the club?
"I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him." There, she'd finally said the words out loud. "I keep telling myself that I'm just the job to him, and I believe that. I do. But then sometimes, when he looks at me just so, I can't breathe." Katlyn paused. "There are times that I swear he's about to kiss me, and it makes my head spin."
"And do you want him to kiss you?"
"God, yes!" A weight lifted from her soul.
During their sessions, neither woman had broached the topic of relationships or sex. Katlyn figured that had been by design on Carrie's part, as Katlyn simply hadn't been ready, no matter how attracted she was to Maddox. She most certainly hadn't told Carrie about how much she wished Maddox were a Dom—how much she wished he were her Dom.
"Sometimes," Katlyn said, "he gets this look in his eyes, protective and territorial. This morning, just before he left for work, it happened again, and he leaned in just a bit and—then turned away. I couldn't breathe properly for at least five minutes after he left."
Katlyn closed her eyes and imagined the moment playing out differently, where Maddox kept leaning in until his lips met hers, and he was oh-so-decadently late to work. Where she gave herself to him freely and without hesitation, to submit to him in ways she hadn't been able to do since Jeff.
Katlyn had feared he'd killed that part of her, that he'd murdered the sub she'd once been, but Maddox was proving that false. But wanting and being able to follow through were completely different things. She wanted to think she'd be able to escape the trauma of her past and let go, to trust a Dom the way she'd have to do. Not that submitting to a Dom should be her top priority. After all, Maddox wasn't a Dom. That was an entirely different can of worms she'd have to open.
"I want him, Carrie, but I'm scared, too. I've been gone over Maddox since before he sent me to Oregon. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay with him, but I told myself it was for the best because it's what he said was for the best. I also kept telling myself that he didn't see me the way I saw him. That I was just the job to him, but like I told you, lately, he looks at me and…" She pressed a hand to her pounding heart. "Do you still remember what I told you about my first Dom?"
"Oh yeah. Mr. I'll-give-you-two-orgasms-for-every-one-you-give-me? How does a sub forget?"
"Three orgasms, actually, but yes, him."
"Oh là là." Carrie wiggled her eyebrows.
Katlyn gave her friend a playful punch to the shoulder.
"Continue," said Carrie.
"Well, sometimes Maddox looks at me like he did, and I get that same jitter in my stomach."
"Yeah, your stomach. That's where you feel the jitter!"
"Shut-up!" She gave her friend another shoulder punch. "But, no, you're not wrong. I haven't felt that kind of zing since him. And now, h
ere's Maddox, making me feel all those same things." Katlyn took her friend's hands in both of hers. "I want Maddox to be my Dom, Carrie. I want it badly."
Carrie gave Katlyn's hands a returning squeeze. "Then, I guess it's a good thing that I think he'd be receptive to that, huh?"
Heat speared through Katlyn, and her heart rate shot through the clouds. This time, physical exertion had nothing to do with it. "You think… what?"
"I've seen the way Maddox looks at you, and now, I can't guarantee it's the same way your first Dom looked at you, but it's certainly not the way a cop looks at a case." Carrie paused. "It's the way a Dom looks at a sub."
Katlyn shook her head like a drunk.
"Oh, yes, Katie Baby." A slight pause. "And I'm guessing you two haven't had any discussion about Dom/sub relationships or relationships at all?"
"No." Not even a little bit.
"Well, I think you should, if only to test the waters. I can't think of anyone better than Maddox to ease you back into the lifestyle."
Katlyn felt as if Carrie had dumped a bucket of lava on her head. "I need something cold to drink."
Clumsily, Katlyn pushed to her feet. She nearly tripped over Sarge, who lay in the middle of the hallway, as she stumbled toward the kitchen. As if sensing trouble, Sarge followed her. She made two glasses of the cold brew Maddox had brought her last night, grabbed two eco-friendly paper straws from the silverware drawer, and drained her drink before Carrie settled at the bar.
The cold brew didn't do a damn thing to cool Katlyn. When would the dang air conditioner kick in?
"I've upset you," Carrie said. "I thought you'd be glad to know Maddox has non-cop-related feelings for you."
"I am." Katlyn started making herself a second glass of cold brew. "But this changes everything and opens up a possibility I never fully let myself believe. But now—"
Katlyn froze, hand halfway on its trajectory back to the counter, creamer clenched in her fist. How the hell was she supposed to talk to Maddox about this? Proposition him? She'd been out of the dating game too damn long. And that was all before she threw the BDSM element into the mix.
The lifestyle stuff would just have to wait. She'd test the waters first. Maybe up their usual dinners with some romantic elements, see how he responded? If he wasn't interested in even a casual, vanilla relationship, the BDSM elements were a moot point anyway.
She finished the drink and joined Carrie at the bar. "What if we're wrong, though? What if we're interpreting his actions as interest when he sees what he's doing as something one might do to comfort a scared child?"
Carrie raised an eyebrow, her cold brew's white straw millimeters from kissing her lips. "Did Maddox say that?"
Katlyn shook her head. "Of course, not. He's much too kind."
"Then why do you seem so sure he doesn't want things to be sexual, too?"
"It's been a month. I honestly figured, if he'd have wanted something different, he would have said something by now."
"Unless he's scared, too."
Katlyn looked into her glass. She hadn't stirred this one yet. The white creamer swirled sleepily through the dark liquid: light into dark. The black coffee was her life before Maddox; he was the cream, bringing light and canceling out some of the bitter.
"I can't imagine Maddox being scared of anything," Katlyn admitted.
"Well, you didn't hear the fear in his voice when he called me and asked if I'd work with you. I'd never heard him sound that scared before, Katie, and I'm not just saying that or trying to force you to do something you're not ready for. Remember what I said about your dreams?"
Katlyn nodded. Carrie had said the nightmares were likely the manifestation of the things she wasn't dealing with while awake. "And you think that's what I'm doing now by not dealing with how I feel about Maddox? Things are getting jumbled?"
"Quite possibly." Carrie took a sip of her drink and sighed. "Oh, my god, this is heaven. Why haven't you made this for me before?"
"I hadn't made it for myself before yesterday. Maddox bought me several containers after I fell in love with the cold brew I got at Starbucks the other night."
Carrie took another drink, a longer one. "Ahh. Well, as excuses go, I'll accept it, but you'll have to pay penance by making me another one because this one won't last much longer." She took another long pull. "Where were we?"
"My dreams."
"Oh yeah, dreams." Her features shifted, tightened. She was back in therapist mode. "I think your dreams are showing the inner conflict you feel about the two men front and center in your life. With Jeff, it's not sexual; it's fear. He's still out there, and it scares you. With Maddox, it's desire. You want him sexually. Then, you throw in the BDSM element, and in sleep, your head jumbles the two. Jeff used to put you in restraints and beat you, but now, you want Maddox to do the same thing." She held up a hand before Katlyn could say anything. "And, yes, it's not really the same thing. You and I understand the difference between consensual power exchange and abuse, but we understand that with the rational side of our brain. The emotional side of the brain doesn't care about logic, only emotion, so in your dreams, as your mind is reprocessing and reorganizing details and memories, the way you feel about the two men in your life is merging."
"I'd never thought of it that way." Then again, Katlyn's training was in physical ailments and Carrie's in emotional ones.
"Your feelings for Maddox and Jeff both need to be dealt with in the open. We're working on the stuff with Jeff, and we both know it's nothing that'll fully resolve in a month. But the stuff with Maddox, Katie, you can deal with now because he's here right now. Well, not this very second," she added quickly when Katlyn practically spun out of the chair to look at the front door.
"Fuck, my heart's pounding!"
Sarge head-butted her leg and then looked at her with big, concerned eyes.
"It's okay, baby." She patted his head. "I'm okay." This was partially true, but she didn't think her four-legged friend would understand the nuance.
Carrie put a hand on Katlyn's arm. "Sorry. I didn't mean to make you jump out of your skin."
Katlyn forced herself to laugh. "It's okay. It just proves the point I think you were trying to make, that I need to work through what I feel for Maddox."
"When you're ready, tell him how you feel and see if he feels the same way. If he responds positively, and if and when you feel like you're ready for more, ask him to be your Dom—and I cannot stress enough the if and when portions of that statement."
The idea of asking Maddox to be her Dom made Katlyn tingle in all the right places.
"I want to, Carrie, but it's Maddox. Do you think he'd really be open to becoming a Dom for me?"
"Maddox becoming a Dom?" Carrie chuckled. "Good one, Katie."
"So… you're saying you think he would?"
"I'm saying that as Detective Maddox, he's turned his home and his life upside down to protect you physically. I can't imagine Master Maddox wouldn't do the same for your sexual health."
Master Maddox.
The words slithered over Katlyn's skin like an ethereal touch, and her eyelids fluttered closed. Erotic images from her dreams burned into her waking mind. Maddox in leather pants and the simple tank he wore when he lay in bed beside her. Maddox with a flogger in his hand. She wanted that kind of experience again, but she was also afraid of being hurt; her greatest fantasy and her greatest fear were wrapped together in a twine of desire.
Katlyn opened her eyes and turned fully to her friend. "Do you really think he'd become a Dom for me?"
Straw between her lips, Carrie started coughing as if something had gone down the wrong pipe.
"Carrie, are you all right?"
But the look on her friend's face was one of pure shock and disbelief. "Oh, holy shit crap fire, Katie. I thought you were joking."
"Joking about what?"
"Katie… Maddox is a Dom."
Something wasn't right.
Maddox took the stairs two at a time and, wh
en he hit the landing, sprinted at a dead run to his door. All day, Kat had responded like clockwork to his texts, but not the past thirty minutes. They'd been chatting about dinner. She'd asked if he'd had any objection to chicken and vegetable potpie. He'd told her he loved them, and that had been it—nothing but silence since.
He unlocked the apartment door and let himself inside, and his hand floated immediately to the butt of his Glock. "Kat?"
He scanned the room, but nothing seemed amiss. No signs of a struggle. Dishes sat neatly on the table. A couple of votive candles flickered on the end table, and soft piano music floated in the air. The place looked and smelled terrific; it certainly wasn't the crime scene he'd convinced himself he'd walk in to.
He opened his mouth to call for her again, but Sarge padded sleepily from the hallway, an animal without a care in the world. Relief hit Maddox hard and fast; Sarge wouldn't be so chill if something was wrong with his mistress.
Maddox gave Sarge's head a scratch. "Where is she, old man?"
Sarge motioned his head back the way he'd come.
With one last ear scratch for Sarge, Maddox strolled to the bedroom but froze in the doorway. Kat's reflection in the bathroom mirror punched him square in the libido and short-circuited all higher brain functions. He gripped the door frame, lust threatening to incinerate him.
Seeing her in his home, in his space, when he returned from work was always a rush. He couldn't lie about that anymore. Over the month, she'd become an integral part of his life. Not as a case, at least not entirely. He was still looking for Harris, but the man had become a ghost. Some days, Maddox could convince himself the bastard wasn't coming after her, but then, he had days like today when the littlest thing could trigger his Harris-has-her response. But Harris didn't have her tonight. No, tonight, she was safe, sound, and making herself sexier than his sex-starved body and mind could handle.
