“Never mind that.” He chuckles as he picks me up so he can sit down before resting my head in his lap, playing with my hair.
The feeling of his hand against my scalp is so relaxing, I struggle to keep my eyes open.
“Tell me which of your reasons for being late were true.”
I get the feeling he already knows the answer so I don’t really know why he’s asking.
“I thought you could tell when I was lying?”
“I can. I just want you to tell me the truth.”
“Not a single excuse I gave was true.”
I’m ashamed to admit it.
“Not one?”
“No. Sorry, I shouldn’t have lied.”
A tear rolls down my face and he catches it with the pad of his thumb.
“Don’t apologise. You weren’t ready to tell me the truth. Just promise me, now that I know the truth, you won’t lie to me again.”
“I promise.”
“Good. Then close your eyes and go to sleep.”
“I can’t sleep here.”
“Why not?”
He gives me the biggest smile imaginable.
“I can’t use you as my pillow.”
“Sure, you can. I’m perfectly happy being your pillow.”
“But...”
“No buts.”
“What about you? You surely can’t sleep like this.”
I’m blushing as I consider our other options. I should send him home but I feel like I can’t let him go just yet.
I’ll be fine.”
“What if we both lie down on the sofa instead?” I suggest shyly.
He grins at me wolfishly and I regret my suggestion instantly.
“Fine.”
He pulls me up until I’m sat upright momentarily so he can extract himself before pushing me further into the couch so that I’m pressed against the back. Then he lies down beside me, facing towards me so that his eyes are level with mine. He’s close but he’s not quite touching me, and now that I’ve lost the contact I really miss it.
I consider reaching out for him, but I’m not brave enough.
Instead, I close my eyes and breathe in and out as I try to distract my racing heart. I fail completely when I feel his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him until I’m wrapped snug in his arms, tight as a bug.
My heartbeat doesn’t slow but my body seems to go limp as all the tension and stress that I’ve been carrying around with me for months seems to dissipate and I’m overridden by a sense of peace.
Finally, I can breathe.
I know I should try and sleep, but now that I’ve cried, I want to talk. I want to share with him how I feel.
“Tristan?”
“Hmm?”
His blue eyes are watching me closely. He doesn’t blink or look away as he waits for me to continue.
“Do you think I’m a failure?” I whisper out the words that have been running a loop in my mind.
He gives me a sad smile as if he can’t help but pity me. I don’t want pity though so I hope that his answer is better than the look on his face.
“No. I don’t think you’re a failure. I think you just asked too much of yourself.”
“Asked too much of myself? I had no choice.”
I can’t understand what he means. It’s not my fault my mum is in a coma and isn’t going to wake up. It’s not my choice that I have to look after my brother or that my pain in the arse sister isn’t around to help.
None of this is my decision.
“You might not have been able to make a lot of decisions recently but there is one decision that was a mistake.”
His words ring with the same authority his voice has at work and I know that he genuinely believes without a shadow of a doubt that he is right.
“And what decision is that?”
“You didn’t let anyone help you.”
I fight back.
“I couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“I knew I’d break. I couldn’t risk not being able to do it all.”
“You don’t have to do this alone. Are you broken right now?” His eyes are hard and cool as he chastises me.
“No,” I reply honestly.
“There you go then. We could have done this ages ago, if you had let me in.”
“I can’t ask you for this.”
“You don’t need to. You never need to ask.” His tone holds a sincerity I’ve heard before. He takes my face in his hand. “Sleep.”
Chapter Ten – Tristan
I wake up with a fright. There is a five-year-old staring at me. What the fuck? Why is there a child in my bedroom?
It takes me a few minutes to remember that I didn’t sleep in my bedroom but rather in Ella’s front room, and that’s why there is a five-year-old Thomas staring daggers right at me. His big sister is still asleep in my arms and I consider cowering behind her, but really, what sort of man cowers at the sight or a child?
“Good morning, Thomas.”
“Don’t wake her,” he tells me off.
I unravel myself and leave Ella resting soundly on the sofa.
“Should we make breakfast?” I ask the small boy.
“Sure.”
His smile returns and he follows me through to the kitchen.
“What do you want?” I ask him.
“Frosties!” he answers immediately.
“Okay.”
I nod my head before going in search of a bowl and cereal.
“Why are you here?” Thomas asks me as he watches me prepare his breakfast.
“Your sister...” What the hell am I supposed to say? Your sister was sad? Your sister cried? All of those things might be true but the last thing I should do is tell the kid about it. “I just wanted to see you and your sister.”
“Are you my sister’s boyfriend?”
I’m hesitant.
“No.”
“Then why did you spend the night?”
“Because I’m a friend.”
“Friends who are boys don’t stay over.”
The boy is not letting up and I really don’t know how to answer his questions.
“I like your sister very much and if she wanted to be my girlfriend I’d be more than happy about it, but right now, we’re just friends,” I tell him as I place his cereal in front of him.
I turn away from him before he can retort. Opening the fridge, I peer inside. I want to make breakfast for Ella too and maybe myself as well. I pull out a ton of stuff and start to prepare omelettes.
I hope she likes eggs.
“So... you want to be my sister’s boyfriend?”
I nod my head instead of responding.
“But aren’t you her boss?” he asks.
I turn my eyes away from the vegetables I’m cutting a for a second so I can look him in the eye.
“Yes. I’m your sister’s boss, but I also care about her a lot and want to look after her. Is that okay?”
He looks me up and down, scrutinising me in the same way a father would when meeting his daughter’s boyfriend.
“I guess that would be okay so long as you don’t hurt her.”
“I promise you, Thomas, I will do everything I can, not to hurt her.”
“And if you do?”
He eyes me suspiciously.
“You can pick the punishment.”
“Deal.”
He offers me his hand to shake.
Ella is pretty taken aback when she finds us in the kitchen a good ten minutes later.
“What’s going on here?”
“We’re having breakfast,” I tell her with a wide grin.
She nods her head before placing a kiss on top of Thomas’s head and taking a seat next to him at the breakfast bar.
“What are you making?”
“Omelettes.”
“Yummy.”
She smiles across the kitchen to me in a way that practically stops my heart.
I plate the omelettes up and pla
ce them on the bar top.
“Thank you,” she says timidly.
“You’re welcome.”
“You didn’t have to make breakfast.”
“I wanted to.”
We eat in silence, her eyes on her food, mine on her. Thomas thankfully has stopped asking me questions and has settled in to eat his cereal.
Ella’s eyes are slightly puffy and she still looks tired. It’s probably my fault for making her sleep on the sofa. She’d have been far more comfortable in her bed.
“Sorry – you’re probably still really tired because of sleeping on the couch.”
“No,” she shakes her head, “it was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while.”
“Really?”
She nods her head without looking at me.
“Good.”
I smirk proudly.
I know I should rush home and change before going to work, but I refuse to leave her even when she tells me to. Instead, I watch her as she rushes around getting her brother ready for school at the same time as getting herself ready for work. I always knew she was efficient, but this is bonkers.
She doesn’t stop for more than a second in one place. It’s fascinating to watch.
Thomas doesn’t make it easy for her, arguing every chance he gets. He had wanted to go to the hospital visit their mum before school, but Ella told him that we didn’t have enough time so now, as a result, he is the middle of the worst tantrum I have ever seen,
If I didn’t know he was a sweet kid, I’d think he was a monster or a demon spawn or something equally bad.
“Thomas?” I try to get his attention.
One glance at my watch and I know that we’re both going to be late this morning.
Thomas looks up at me as if suddenly remembering that I’m even here.
“Yeah?”
“How about we pick you up from school and take you then?”
“What at three?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” and like that, I’ve won the boy over. “Big Sister Ella never comes to get me from school – it’s always Nicola.”
“Who is Nicola?” I ask.
“My childminder. I don’t like her. She smells funny.”
I say goodbye to them both when we leave the house.
“Aren’t you coming with us?” Thomas asks.
“I have to go home and change,” I tell him.
“But you’ll come and get me from school?”
“Of course. I said I would, didn’t I?” I remind him.
“What about after that?” Thomas’s eyes narrow. “Are you coming for dinner?”
“Thomas.” His sister tuts at him gently.
“I’d like him to come for dinner,” Thomas tells Ella.
“Then I’ll come for dinner.”
I grin at the small boy who may have just become my new wingman.
“You should bring a change of clothes, in case you sleep on the sofa again.”
His big sister starts coughing, and like the gentleman I am, I pat her on the back.
“Okay, Thomas. I’ll bring some clothes.”
I wink at Ella before turning away and heading towards my car. I like that kid.
Chapter Eleven – Ella
The next few days pass in a blur. Tristan completely takes me by surprise when he decides to spend his entire weekend with me and Thomas. He spends his daytime visiting our mum with us at the hospital and playing every game imaginable with Thomas, and he spends his evenings holding me so tightly I’m almost certain he’ll never let me go.
I’m not sure how to define our relationship.
If anyone were to ask me, other than Thomas that is, I would have to say that he’s a friend, I guess. Except he isn’t exactly behaving like a friend or a colleague for that matter.
Like when he passes me the salt at the dinner table, and his fingers linger on mine for longer than is necessary or the way he puts his arm around me as he walks me into the hospital or how he insists on driving us everywhere.
Everything about his behaviour screams boyfriend.
We haven’t kissed or anything like that but the last three nights I’ve spent in his arms. We eventually decided last night after two long nights on the sofa that we should probably sleep in my bed.
I’d expected it to be strange but it wasn’t.
It was perfectly natural as if he should have been there the whole time.
This morning he even insisted on driving us to school to drop Thomas off before taking me to work. He didn’t even complain when Thomas managed to make him ten minutes late. It didn’t seem to phase him at all, but it bothered me immensely.
It was bad enough that my life was a mes, I didn’t want my chaos to rub off on him.
“I’m sorry we’re late,” I apologise as we travel up in the lift together. It’s Monday morning and I know that Tristan has the directors’ meeting this morning. It’s the one day of the week he really can’t be late.
“It’s no big deal. It’s ten minutes.”
He gives me a big cheese grin before taking my hand in his and bringing it to his lips.
“This morning was worth being late.”
He only drops my hand when the doors open.
My day goes pretty well. I even find time to go out with Sadie for lunch. The calm that Tristan seems to have instilled in me this weekend has really taken hold and I feel so much better than I did before.
Every time I feel my calm beginning to disappear, he’s there with a smile or a cup of coffee, reminding me that I can do this. It isn’t until four forty-two when my phone rights that I lose the zen that he’s given me.
“Hello?”
“Ella?” It’s my sister Tia. It’s taken her long enough to get back to me.
“Hi Tia,” I reply slightly more aggressively than I intend.
Tristan is stood not too far away, talking with a couple of employees and he glances my way as if he senses that I’m no longer okay.
“You want me to come home?” she’s asking, her voice a bit whiney.
“Did you have to call me during work? I can’t really discuss this now.”
I’m terse. I shouldn’t be but I can’t bring myself to be more reasonable.
“Why do you want me to come back home? I’m busy. I can’t just come back whenever I like.”
“The doctors...” My words get lost. I can’t do this. Not here.
“I haven’t got a lot of time. I’m about to fly to New York. I can’t come back. Whatever it is will have to wait.”
I don’t respond because I really don’t know how to say what I need to say without screaming at her down the phone.
“Bye,” she says when I don’t reply and then the phone goes dead.
I pull the phone away from my ear and spend a good minute and a half staring at the handset.
Is she serious?
I glance up when I feel a sense of calm wash over me. Tristan is stood in front of my desk, looking down at me.
“What happened?” he asks.
“My sister is...” a spoilt brat... not coming home... going to regret this decision... There are so many thoughts running through my head and I don’t know which one I should give him in response.
Chapter Twelve – Tristan
When she fails to answer me, I know something is wrong. I glance down at my watch. It’s coming up for five.
I never leave before five but right now this is the last place she needs to be.
“Get your stuff together,” I demand before darting into my office to collect my coat and laptop bag.
She’s ready when I return. I start up an inane conversation, just in case anyone is paying us any attention and then offer to walk her out. She smiles appreciatively at me as I lead her towards the lift.
When the doors close behind us, I ask my question again.
“What happened?”
“My sister called. She’s not coming home.”
I scrunch up my face as I try to un
derstand how that is even possible. Surely her sister realises that their mother is dying and that she needs to come home.
“Does she know how serious it is?”
I’m trying to be understanding but really I want to give her sister a clip around the ear.
“I left a voicemail on Thursday telling her what the doctors said so she should know. Unless she hasn’t listened to it.”
I can literally see her trying to rationalise and excuse her sister’s behaviour in her thoughts.
“Give me your phone,” I tell her, outstretching my hand towards her.
“What are you going to do?” she asks me.
“I’m going to tell your sister to come home.”
She gives me the phone although I can tell she’s not sure it’s a good idea.
I quickly write out a text. It’s harsh and to the point. I don’t add a kiss from her big sister or any form of greeting. She doesn’t deserve them if you ask me.
The doctors have said that it is time to say goodbye. If you want to be here for the end, you need to come home now. Ella.
I return the phone to Ella and tell her to press send. I don’t want to completely overstep. I’ve already kicked the line back quite a bit. I don’t want to take the piss.
She nods her head and presses the button.
“Now, don’t worry about it. Let’s go get your brother and head out for pizza.”
“Pizza?” She’s bewildered at the idea.
“It’s not good for you or Thomas to spend all your free time at the hospital. Take a tiny bit of time to be together. We’ll go to the hospital afterwards.”
I’m being bossy but she’s used to it and she doesn’t seem to mind. Thank fuck.
Of course, Thomas is made up about having pizza for dinner. The three of us joke and laugh about the stupidest things. Thomas tells us all about his day at school and I get the impression this is the best time they’ve had in months.
“Then he said that he didn’t like the daisy chains and he broke it. Sophie cried,” Thomas is telling us.
His big sister frowns at his story but chooses not to comment. Instead, she curls into my side, taking my hand.
“Thank you,” she whispers in my ear and although I don’t need her thanks, I like it all the same.
I turn to face her.
A Bleak December Page 4
