by T Gephart
He smiled, his eyes lacking the anger they probably should have. “I know you do, and I love you too. Which is why I haven’t said anything until now. But you raised the stakes and I need to know this isn’t a knee-jerk reaction that ends up taking you away from me.”
My head shook, none of it making sense. “I’m not going to leave. Why would I leave?”
He sighed, his big shoulders rising and falling with the breath. “Because that feeling won’t last, Presley. It will get to the point where it won’t be enough. What I can give you won’t be enough. And I can have sex with you until we’re both raw, that isn’t the problem. But in the end . . . you’re going to need more.”
“How can you say that?” I reared back in horror, wishing I hadn’t agreed to the shower. It was exactly what I’d been afraid of, the air around us thick with steam, while the hurt seeped into the walls. “And more importantly, how can you just accept it?”
“Because this isn’t about me.” He reached behind us, switching off the water. “And deep down, I’m hoping I’m wrong.”
My body shivered, the temperature in the room dropping dramatically and not just because he’d turned off the water. But he wasn’t angry, why the hell wasn’t he angry?
I would’ve been furious. Annoyed even if it was someone I cared about, that they’d been using me as therapy. Because that’s what I was doing. Using one emotion to tamp down another. And yet, he wasn’t even mad.
“You should leave,” my voice broke, a sob hitching in my throat. “Because I’ll probably end up hurting you too. And I just can’t, Jared. I just can’t know that I was responsible for one more person being hurt. I won’t survive that.”
It was like the dam broke, emotions I’d been holding back bubbling to the surface as I crumbled to the base of the stall. Tears I promised I wouldn’t cry, leaked out all the same as every breath came out in a ragged burst that tore my lungs in two.
Jared dropped to his knees, grabbing the towels, wrapping them both around me before he pulled me in his arms. “Presley, you haven’t hurt anyone, and you won’t hurt me. I won’t leave. I can’t leave. There’s only one place for me to be, and that’s with you.”
My head shook, wanting to believe the words he was saying but knowing different. A breath hitched in my throat making it difficult for the words to come out right. “I should’ve never been with him. I should’ve left him sooner. I should’ve filed a police report when he pulled that gun on me. What the hell was I thinking? I knew he was volatile . . . and I let it go. Glad he was gone, thinking he’d only done it to me. I didn’t even think . . .that he’d do something like that to someone else. I was so caught up in myself . . . that I let it go. I could have done more. If I hadn’t been so focused on Diablo . . . and everything else. I’d have seen exactly who he was. And I could’ve stopped it.” The words came out in between sobs, my ability to keep it together falling apart at the seams.
It was too late to stop, tears streaming down my cheeks as my body shook. I hadn’t wanted this, for him—or anyone—to see the mess I’d become. To witness how someone who’d had it all together could unravel so fast and so far. It was just another thing to be disappointed in myself, my inability to keep my shit together and deal like I’d always done before.
He pressed his lips to my forehead, kissing me as he softly rocked us. “Those are lies, Presley. A voice inside your head that has created this alternate reality where you are blaming yourself for shit you couldn’t have known. You’re smart, Pres, but last time I checked, you weren’t fucking psychic.” A small chuckle vibrated against my temple.
“But if I . . . I don’t know . . .something,” I choked out words, unconvinced.
One thing different.
That would have changed the outcome entirely.
He had to be cold, dripping wet and naked in the cooling bathroom while I was covered in both the towels. But he didn’t shiver, not even the slightest wobble of his chin as he rubbed circles on my back.
“No, Presley. You can’t play that game. You’re going to end up in a circle of what ifs that will rob any happiness you have. He was clearly fucked up, and when I think about him being with you, it makes me want to break shit. Not because I’m jealous you had a past, but because that sick fuck didn’t deserve you. And that wasn’t or isn’t your fault. The same way North couldn’t control the assholes who were his parents, or the chief, his ex-wife. Do you blame Mack for Melinda being insane and propositioning every guy in your bar?” he asked, all the words missing the sharp edges I thought I deserved.
I swear all those holy pictures his mother had on the wall had a new contender, because Leighton had the patience of a saint.
Not only was he not angry, but he wasn’t even bitter, which was crazy since he was paying for the sins of someone else. When our relationship had started, I’d promised sex with no drama. Too bad I’d just towed a boat load of fucking drama right to his port.
“Presley, do you blame North or Mack?” he asked again, the question having gone unanswered the first time.
“Of course, I don’t. Riley didn’t get to choose who his parents were, he was completely innocent. And Mack, well, Melinda charmed him, let’s be honest. She was just really good at hiding that train wreck. It wasn’t his fault he fell in love with her and then chose to believe she wasn’t all bad.”
His head dipped, meeting my eyes. “Do you hear yourself? What you just said about Mack? Why does he catch a break and you don’t? Why would you treat yourself with any less compassion than you would the chief?”
I was ready to argue, to tell him how it wasn’t even close to the same thing, but I stopped. Was it the same thing? If it had been someone else, in my exact situation, would I have blamed them?
It’s not the same, my subconscious argued, but I couldn’t land on why.
“I’m confused.” I shook my head, the thoughts feeling like they were taking up too much space in my brain. “I honestly don’t know anymore.”
“Let me help you, Presley. Let your family and friends help you,” Jared begged, his arms squeezing me tight. “No one is going to think less of you because you need help. This doesn’t make you weak, Baby. It makes you human.”
Human?
Funny that I felt anything but.
“I can’t lose myself, Jared. I can’t lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.” My eyes shone with new tears, as I said words I never thought I’d feel, let alone say. “I’m scared.”
The pads of his thumbs brushed underneath my eyes as he smiled. “If you can even think that—let alone believe it—you have no idea of the woman you are, the woman I know.”
I wasn’t sure who he was talking about, but it couldn’t be the pitiful mess huddled in the shower stall. Had to be some other girl. And probably someone who deserved him more. But whoever she was, I wasn’t just going to hand him over. Not after I’d waited so long to get him.
I blew out a long shaky breath, feeling completely out of my depth.
“I need help.”
Jared
THE FIRST THING I did was turn the shower back on, dump the wet towels and get her back under the warm water. And unlike when we first got in, there wasn’t an agenda other than getting clean. She sat on the floor, letting me wash her as she blinked silently.
It was hard to watch, the light that used to be so bright in her eyes almost completely gone as I rinsed her off and got dry towels to wrap around her. She didn’t fight me once, first letting me get us both clean and then when I dried us off, carrying her to the bed.
I’d never seen her so quiet, missing her fiery spark. But unlike her, I wasn’t scared. That inferno we’d had to attack—with no idea what was inside—could be taken from each side. She’d finally let down those walls, and shown me exactly what kind of hell she’d been living in, and I wasn’t walking away. Not a chance, not until we saw that turmoil snuffed out entirely. And fuck, was I proud. So unbelievably proud that she’d finally let me in.
We
curled up together under her blankets, ignoring the world as she cried off and on for a while. Sometimes she’d talk, sometimes she didn’t—and I did nothing but held her for as long as she needed. I wished I’d something smart or enlightening to say but nothing that came to mind seemed like it was good enough. So rather than pretend to know what I was doing, I let her cry it out.
By late afternoon she’d decided that she probably shouldn’t go to the club. I’d wanted to suggest it but figured it was better if she came to that conclusion on her own. It was a gamble, the chance she’d get dressed and head out the door still fairly high. And if she did, I wouldn’t fight her, following and being ready to catch her if she needed. Not sure how many prayers of thanks I offered the Virgin Mary when she called Raelle and asked her to cover. It was the first time since Diablo opened that she wasn’t going in. Raelle assumed the conversation had been with Presley’s ghost since the only conceivable way she’d miss work was if she were dead. And I think in a way, she was half-right. Still, the shift was covered, and while I knew it was a temporary fix, we had one night where neither of us had to work.
The way I saw it the next twenty-four hours were critical, and while she was talking, we needed to come up with some kind of plan. I didn’t have a psychology degree, and I wasn’t going to pretend I did, which was why I called Tara Roswell.
She was the shrink we went to see if ever things got too much in our heads. Traffic accidents, bad burns or close calls on the jobs—all of which can mess you up if you let it fester. So instead of ending a promising career over something that usually wasn’t our fault, we’d talk to Tara and work it out. And while I assumed Tara couldn’t technically treat Presley since she wasn’t serving with the FDNY, she did have some good starting points as well as a name of someone who could.
And after we’d done all of that, we went back to bed and not had sex. Never thought there’d be a time where I was glad Presley didn’t want to sleep with me, but given the circumstances, it was a good thing.
The next few days, we settled into a new normal. She made an appointment with the new doc, managing to score a session the following week. And in the meantime, we took things as they came, not looking too far ahead.
It was on my next day off that she decided to go and see her parents. Like Tibbs, they’d been concerned but hadn’t known how hard to push. Presley was notoriously independent. She’d been working in clubs and juggling her course load at college for a solid year before her parents even found out how she’d been spending her nights. She didn’t even apologize, moving off campus and able to afford her own apartment regardless of what anyone thought. So when it came to knowing her own mind, and doing things her own way, Brett and Angela Tibbs knew that better than anyone.
Even more promising was that she wanted me to go with her, the two of us making the drive to the Long Island house I knew almost as much as my own. I’d spent a lot of time there, especially over the summers, so it was weird to be slightly nervous. Of course, the last time I’d been there I hadn’t been dating their daughter, so that was probably why.
“Presley, Leighton.” Angela ran out to greet us before I’d even killed the engine. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Hey Angela, Brett,” I waved, Presley’s dad standing at the door. “Happy to be here.”
Angela ushered us in, fussing over Presley as we went to sit in the living room. They knew—along with my family—that Presley and I were seeing each other. We’d taken turns telling our parents. But after everything that had happened, we hadn’t gotten the chance to experience the insanity that was sure to follow.
Brett looked me over and nodded, which I assumed meant he approved, while Angela was practically levitating. Still, she was more subtle than my mom. When I’d told my mother that Presley and I were dating, I thought she was having a heart attack. Tears, screams, and inaudible noises which I couldn’t really decipher—all ending with both her and my dad telling me how happy they were. Needless to say, if we ever broke up, I was going to be looking for new parents, so lucky for everyone involved I was really in love with her.
“Presley, it’s so good to see you.” The concern in Angela’s eyes was palpable, her voice doing its best to stay even.
Tibbs had told me she’d been struggling, guessing her daughter was going through hell but shutting most people out. It was hard for them—well for everyone really—to believe Presley was fine even if on the outside she looked it.
Presley settled on the couch beside me and I could sense she was nervous. Vulnerability didn’t come easy for her, even with those she loved, but she was trying, and I was so fucking proud of her for that.
“So, I’m going to start seeing a psychologist,” Presley announced, not bothering to make small talk. “I have an appointment in a few days. I know you guys have been worried, but I’m going to be okay.”
Angela’s eyes shot to Brett’s, the surprise evident. “Sweetheart, you know we love you, and we’ll do anything we can to help. It’s understandable that,” she stopped trying to choose her words correctly, “it’s been a challenge.”
Brett nodded, holding onto his wife’s hand. “Yes, it’s been a big challenge.”
“Please don’t do that,” Presley closed her eyes, letting out a sigh. “I know you’ve been walking on eggshells, watching what you say around me. And honestly, it’s worse than if you just said what you wanted. I don’t want to be treated differently.”
Vulnerability was one thing, but one of Presley’s fears had been losing who she was. Or who she used to be. Two months ago, no one would have bothered to censor. If they had something to say, they would have said it, even if it was difficult for her to hear. And that was the way she liked it, wanted it, and needed it.
“This is why I didn’t want to come here.” She shook off the arm I had around her and stood. “Because I didn’t want to see that look. Please, if you want to help me, don’t treat me differently. I’m not a baby.”
Angela was also on her feet, looking at Presley like she was a bomb that might explode. “Presley, we know you’re not a baby, we’re just so worried about you. Maybe you could come live at home for a while? We’d love to have you back in your old room, think of how fun it would be.”
And even I knew that wasn’t the right thing to say. Presley’s eyes peeled open, her fists locking at her sides as the tense words fought to get out of her clenched jaw.
“Are you kidding me? Your solution is to have me move back home? I haven’t lived at home since I left for college. I’ve got my apartment in the city and that’s where I’m staying.”
She was angry and lashing out, looking at both her parents and then to me. “I need some air, I’m going for a walk.”
“I’ll come with you,” I offered, getting to my feet.
“No,” she bit back. “I just want to go by myself.”
She didn’t wait for the reply, stalking to the front door we’d only just come in through and walked out, slamming the door behind her.
“That didn’t go well.” Brett stood, shaking his head. “She’ll come around, Honey, you know she has always wanted to do everything by herself.”
Angela sniffed, clearly upset. “I just want her to be happy.”
“She knows that. She knows you both love her, and despite her walking out, she loves you guys too. You just have to give her some time.” I looked to the door, my gut telling me to follow anyway. “I’m going to go too. Maybe we can try this again later?”
I was positive it wasn’t what Angela wanted to hear, possibly even hoping I might be able to talk Presley around. But I knew better than that, and changing her mind wasn’t my job.
Angela nodded silently while Brett came up behind her and gave her a hug. I could imagine how hard it was, the strain written all over their faces. But as much as I loved them both—almost like an extra set of parents to me—my first priority was Presley.
Brett grabbed my arm as I turned to leave, stopping me before I could get to the d
oor. “I’m glad she has you.” He put out his hand, meeting my eyes. “If she won’t let anyone else get close, I’m glad she has you.”
I took his hand and shook it, wishing it were under better circumstances. “She’ll have me for as long as she needs, and every second after that. I love your daughter, Brett. This isn’t going to scare me off if that’s what you’re worried about.”
He nodded, our goodbyes silent as I went to the door, hesitating just as I was about to go outside. “She’s stronger than she looks. I know it’s hard to believe it right now, but she is.”
And with those words of wisdom, I left.
I wasn’t expecting Presley to be outside waiting. When she said she wanted to do something, she did it. Which meant she had taken that walk. I wasn’t worried per se, her parents lived in a nice neighborhood and it was early in the day, so my need to be with her was selfish. So that I could put my mind at ease, and not because she wasn’t capable of a stroll around the block.
Deciding to try her phone, I sent her a text asking her if she wanted company. It was the one thing I knew she had with her, her purse still sitting in the front seat of my car. The message went unread and unanswered, so I shoved my phone back in my pants and decided I’d take a drive instead. Sure, it might’ve been a slick way for me to look for her while pretending I was just cruising around, but I wasn’t going to not look either.
And it didn’t take too long, finding her sitting on a swing in a park not far from the house. I drove up alongside, watching as she pushed slowly back with her feet while staring off into the distance. She was so much in her own world that she might not have noticed if I’d had a more environmentally friendly car, but a roaring V8 was a little hard to hide.
Her head turned, spotting me and the car and took a visible breath. “You here to talk sense into me?” she asked, pushing back and continuing to make herself swing. “I know I was harsh back there, and I’m going to apologize.”
