Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one
Page 5
“Do you know him?” I move out of the way when she picks up a colander and sets it inside the sink, pausing to look at me.
“I think so,” I say carefully. “I met one guy called Elliot on my office tour. I’m not sure what he does though.”
“Well, it’s not exactly a common name. I’m sure that’s the one. Is he young?”
I shrug. “Mid-twenties, I think.”
“That’d be him.” Confident with her summation, she collects the pot and pours the pasta into the colander. “His mother is very nice. She invited me to a lunch with all the tennis girls next weekend. I think I might go.”
“That sounds like a lot of fun, Mrs M,” David cuts in, and I hope to god he’s about to change the subject. “Would you like me to take the bread and bowls to the table?”
“That would be lovely, David.” She smiles and I mouth ‘thank you’ to him as he reaches for the bread basket. He winks then indicates the stack of bowls with a glance.
“I’ll give David a hand,” I say, picking them up and following him to the table.
Like clockwork, Mum calls out, “I don’t know why you two aren’t a couple yet. You spend so much time together.”
“Mum!” I admonish, rolling my eyes as I set the bowls down.
“What? You’re so in sync with each other. I don’t understand you two.”
“Oh Mum, I couldn’t date David. Even if I wanted to, he wouldn’t have time for me because he sticks his dick into a new girl every night.”
“Untrue!” David laughs and throws a piece of garlic bread at me. With lightning reflexes, I catch it and take a bite, sticking my tongue out at him.
“I don’t believe he’d do that," my mother says adamantly. “He spends most nights here. So, he can’t be sticking his… as you put it: his dick in a new girl every night.”
David and I burst out laughing at my usually very straight mother swearing. “Thanks, Mrs M. Glad someone has my back,” David says as mum busies herself mixing the pasta and sauce together.
“Where’s your dad and Tom?” David asks as we lay the bowls and cutlery around the table.
I lower my voice before answering. “Dad’s at work, and Tom is out with his girlfriend who Mum and Dad don’t know about, so shhhhh.”
David’s eyebrows shoot up. “Is she hot?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t met her yet.”
“Haven’t met who yet?” Mum asks, catching the end of our conversation as she carries in the serving dish.
“Here, Mum. Give that to me,” I offer, reaching out for the bowl.
“Thank you, sweetheart. So, who haven’t you met?” she asks again.
“Oh… just the big boss at work,” I lie, taking my seat. “Supposedly he’s a bit abrasive and I’m nervous about making a good impression.”
“You’re so smart. I’m sure you’ll wow him,” she says, smiling as David fills our bowls for us.
“I agree,” David says. “Did you go running today?”
“Uh, yeah.” My cheeks heat even though no one knows I went running with Elliot, so I focus on my bowl to hide the reaction. “The Botanical Gardens is real pretty this time of year.”
“Yeah?” he says. “Shame our lunch hours don’t totally align or I’d come running with you.”
I open my eyes wide and nod, thankful my mouth is full of pasta. That wouldn’t be awkward. The guy I’ve always wanted with the guy I’m not supposed to want at all. What could possibly go wrong with that?
“What do you mean your lunch hours don’t align?” Mum asks. “I thought you had lunch together on Monday.”
“We did,” David says. “But I had to take it early, which isn’t really the done thing.”
“I see. Well, that’s a shame. I’d be happier if Katrina wasn’t off running in the city alone. Is there a nice young man at the office you could go with?” she asks, almost causing me to choke on my carbonara.
“I’m fine running on my own, Mum.”
“Oh, but surely there’s someone you could go with. A good-looking fella with the same interests as you. It could turn into something more.” She practically sings the last part, giving me her hopeful wide-eyes.
“I’m not interested in having anything become more with anyone right now,” I retort, immediately annoyed.
Giving me a sad and sorry look, she turns to David to enlist his influence. “Don’t you think she should date again? I’m just concerned she’ll miss out on the right guy because she’s worried he’ll turn out like Christopher.”
“Mum.” I put my fork down hard.
Like a deer in headlights, David seems too afraid to move, frozen with his fork midway to his mouth.
“Well, David?” she presses.
“Um… I think she’s only twenty, Mrs M. She has plenty of time.” He sticks his fork in his mouth and flicks a careful glance at me. I feel sure there’s nothing but storminess brewing behind my expression.
“But time goes so fast,” Mum argues. “And she’s very mature for her age. I don’t want her turned off men just because of one bad decision.”
That pisses me off. “One bad decision? Mum. Please leave this alone.”
“But—”
“Stop. I’ve had enough of this. I only moved in with Christopher because you pushed me to. I wanted to wait until I was at least finished Uni before moving in. But you insisted I shouldn’t wait. Seriously, Mum, stop trying to marry me off. If you don’t want me living here again, that’s fine, I’ll look into campus housing tomorrow.”
“That’s not what I’m saying, Katrina. I’m happy you’re home. But I don’t want you to end up like your brother; nearly thirty, still at home and no partner in your life.”
David, very sensibly, keeps his head down and shovels food into his mouth.
“Mum, it’s my life. Please let me live it. I don’t need you to push me again, especially after what happened.”
A wounded expression fixes itself upon her face. “How could I have known what Christopher was like? He was your boyfriend, and you didn’t know yourself. Don’t you put that on me.”
I shoot up from my seat, anger flashing behind my eyes. “Why not? It’s the truth, isn’t it? If you hadn’t pushed me, David and I wouldn’t have been there, and none of this”—I hold up my forearms and flash my hands at my face and shoulder—“would have happened.”
“Katrina, that’s not fair,” David puts in.
“It might not be fair. But you both know it’s true,” I spit as I flee to my room.
Flopping on my bed, I grab my pillow and cover my face with it, letting out a muffled scream. Is it over the top? Maybe a little. But, I’m angry. Angry that I can’t be left to heal and move on in my own time. I think it’s the least she can do since she is literally the reason I was living with Christopher. We’d only been dating six months when he asked me to move in, and I’d wanted to say no. I didn’t think it was the right time of life for me. But she convinced me that, “Good-looking young men with great jobs like Christopher don’t come around too often, you know.” She campaigned for me to say yes to him, and when it all went horribly wrong, all she could say was, “How could we have known?”
I just keep thinking if she’d left the decision up to me, I would’ve waited. I don’t know if things would’ve ended up the same way, but I’d like to think they would’ve been different. I’d like to think I would have seen Christopher for who he was before I was trapped under the same roof as him. Then I wouldn’t be scarred, and David wouldn’t feel the need to keep such a watchful eye over me.
It feels like he’s waiting for me to break.
Mum was right, before. He is here almost every night, and it makes me wonder when he finds time to see these women I'm always accusing him of sleeping with. Truth is, I haven't seen him with a single girl in the past year. I'm just assuming he still has his roster of women like he did before. Since my accident, he hasn’t mentioned anyone to me. But he also hasn't denied it when I make comments, so....
“Of course.” I can’t help but laugh at his choice of flag.
With his dark blond hair looking unruly, he pokes his head in first, and seeing me sitting calmly on my bed, he walks in and joins me, putting his sock back on. “Your mum’s pretty upset.”
I place a hand on the top of his head, taming the mess of hair before I sigh and sit back against the wall. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Then why did you? After all this time, it seems kind of out of the blue.”
“I know. I just want her to stop pushing me to find a ‘good man’.” I roll my eyes. “We’ve been down this road already, and even though the last time put me in hospital, she hasn’t changed. Why can’t she wait until I’m ready?”
“Have you ever thought she already blames herself over what happened? That maybe encouraging you to get back out there is her way of trying to help?”
“How is pushing me into a new relationship going to help?”
“Because in her mind, her ultimate happiness came from marrying your dad and creating a family. It’s how she defines herself. She just wants that same level of happiness for you, however misguided.”
I look down, picking at an imaginary speck on my pants as I think about it. “Maybe. But I really need her to stop.”
He slides an arm around my shoulder and hugs me into him. “I know, baby girl. I know,” he whispers, pressing a kiss in my hair.
We sit like that in silence for a while, my head against his shoulder as I inhale deeply, breathing in his familiar scent. I feel at home in his arms, like I belong. I don't want this to end.
“Hey Trina?” David speaks, nudging me gently with his shoulder.
“Hmm?” I murmur.
“Do you blame me for what happened too?”
I sit bolt upright and look at him, my brow knitted tight. “No. How could I ever blame you?”
“Because I didn’t protect you,” he says, breaking my heart as he lowers his eyes.
“But you did, David. You saved me.” My heart aches with sorrow at the thought of him blaming himself. Especially when he was the one who risked his life to get me out of there. I don’t think I’d be alive if he hadn’t broken through that door.
“Barely,” he says.
“Entirely,” I counter. “You know, if we break it down, I’m mostly angry at myself. I should have listened when you said you didn’t trust him. I should have stood my ground and never moved in with him. I rushed into it with blinders on and my head in the clouds, thinking you and Christopher would just get used to each other because you both love me. I was naïve and foolish, and I never expected it to explode the way it did.” I take his hand and lace our fingers together. “But it did explode. Now we move on,” I say, squeezing his fingers in reassurance.
“Then why don’t you?” he asks in an almost whisper.
I drop my eyes, unable to look at him as I shake my head at the memories flashing through my mind. “Move on to what? A new relationship isn’t going to fix me, David, and I can’t do what you do. I can't go out and pick up, have it mean nothing. It’s different for me. I’m fine as I am.” Fine.
Fine as his friend. Fine outside a relationship because they only bring me pain. I’m done trying to have it all. It doesn't work.
“I get it.” A strange look crosses his face as he drops his gaze for a moment, returning it with nothing but anguish in his eyes. “Everything is different since that day.” He reaches out and brushes his fingertip along the pink scar that runs down the side of my face, along my hairline and past my ear. “For all of us.” My eyes flutter closed under his touch. It makes my chest ache, and I want to lean into it. But I don’t. “Does he ever call you?”
“Yes,” I admit in a whisper, moving my hair to cover that side of my face when he pulls his hand away. “But it’s nothing to worry about. He just leaves messages, and I delete his texts. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since the day you got me out of there.” I bite my lip, uncomfortable with yet another lie. It’s what my life has become now, a series of tiny lies designed to protect the people I care about, to protect myself from unwanted questions and judgement. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t seem to stop. Like David said, everything is different since that day.
Suddenly uncomfortable with the conversation, I get up and move away from him. “I should go talk to mum. Tell her I’m sorry for being such a bitch.”
“All right. I have to go meet someone, anyway.”
“Can’t keep your ladies waiting,” I joke, attempting to lighten the mood.
He gives me a small smile and kisses me on the cheek. “I’ll see you later. Be nice to your mum, OK?”
“I will,” I whisper, swallowing hard as I watch him turn and walk away from me, hating that he always leaves me to go visit one of his conquests.
I wish he’d choose me. Despite his argument for the contrary, I know he’d stick around and make it work. He’s not his father. He wouldn’t fuck it up.
With my heart in his hands, David heads for the front door, saying a quick goodbye while thanking my mum for dinner. As always, she hands him a takeaway container full of leftovers and sends him on his way. He’s family.
Taking a deep breath, I shake away my troubles and walk over to Mum, putting my head on her shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
She stops what she’s doing and leans against the sink, a sob breaking out of her chest. “You were right,” she chokes out.
“No, I wasn’t. I was wrong.”
She turns to face me. “But it’s true, Katrina. If I hadn’t encouraged you to move in with him when he asked, it never would have happened.”
“You don’t know that. It could have happened anyway. Mum, I’m sorry I said what I did. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame David. I only blame him. Just him.”
“Really?”
I nod. “I snapped at you because I don’t want to talk about guys and dating right now. I’ve got enough on my plate as it is. Goals and dreams that don’t involve boys. And I’m happy this way. I need you to be happy for me too. I will date again when I’m ready. But it has to be on my terms. Is that OK?”
“Of course,” she sniffs, grabbing a hold of my hands with her damp sudsy ones. “And please don’t move out. I missed you when you were gone, and I’m overjoyed to have you back.”
I give her a hug and grab a tea towel to dry the dishes. “Why did David go so soon?” she asks.
“Oh, he’s fine. He’s off to meet his current girl for a quickie, I think.”
“Katrina! I can't imagine David is like that. Why do you have to be so crass?” she chides, flicking bubbles at me to make light of the situation.
I grab some and flick them back at her. “Because I like seeing your face go all pink.”
“I’ll show you pink.”
I squawk with laughter when she claps her hand against my face in retaliation, bubbles finding their way into my mouth.
“Now you’re gonna wish I moved away,” I yell, flicking water over the front of her dress.
She gasps and grabs the scourer, throwing it at me so it lands with a wet thud against my shirt.
Things escalate quickly, and it’s on for young and old as suds and water fly around the kitchen, both of us ducking and weaving while trying not to slip in the mess. But we’re laughing so hard we’re crying, our frustrations forgotten and love found.
When Dad walks in the door, we both look like drowned rats.
“What’s all this then?” he asks, shock registering on his face as he takes in the ridiculous scene.
With synchronised movements, Mum and I glance at each other before looking back to dad and saying, “She started it.” Bursting into hysterics again.
“God help me. I need a beer,” he mutters, leaving the room.
Mum turns to me and hugs me tight.
“I love you, baby girl,” she says, borrowing David’s pet name for me.
I squeeze her back and close my eyes. “I love you too, Mum.” Family. It’s the only kind of love I have.
Five
After a night filled with unsettling dreams, I wake up the next morning way before my alarm is due to go off. The moment my eyes pop open, I know there is no way I’m getting back to sleep. My heart is racing and my skin feels tight. I need to work this agitation out of me; exhaust it with exercise.
I flick on my bedside lamp before I swing my feet out of bed, catching my reflection in the mirror as I do. I’m a mess. My blonde hair is sticking up all over the place, and I have a crust from drool in the corner of my mouth. My normally clear blue eyes are dull and bloodshot with dark circles underneath them, and my golden tan looks pale, causing my scar to look an angry red instead of the pink it’s faded to.
“You’d be gorgeous without makeup,” I mutter, recalling Elliot’s words from the day before. At the time they felt honest and flattering, but faced with my sallow complexion, I’m feeling lied to. What kind of game is he playing?
I pull out a cleansing wipe and clean my face, discarding it before raking my hair back into a ponytail.
If Kayley is to be believed, Elliot has never had a friendship with a woman from the office. Priya said he’d never risk his job for the sake of an office fling. So, why is he going to the effort of getting to know me? Is this some joke they’re all playing on the new girl? Was I befriended for the sole purpose of seducing and mocking? Would they do that?
Holding out my index finger, I squeeze the cream I use to help fade my scar onto the tip and rub it across the jagged line.
No. That’s too ridiculous to even consider. I’m running on too little sleep and need a heavy dose of caffeine to get my brain functioning in a somewhat logical fashion again. “You’re not in high school anymore, Trina. Maybe he just wants a running partner?” Or maybe he’s interested in you?