Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one

by Anderson, Lilliana

  Much to my annoyance, Bianca has David well within her sights and won’t leave his side. He offers to get me a drink, and she tells him she’d love one too. So, he obliges, and it pisses me off that he’s even entertaining her advances in front of me. I'm sure he'd say he's just being polite, but it irks me.

  Unwilling to engage Bianca in conversation, I attempt to busy myself trying to spot where the rest of our group has gotten to. Elliot is talking to Andrew and Carmel, whilst Kayley and the others have gone straight for the dance floor. I smile as I watch them swaying their hips with their arms above their heads, getting plenty of attention from surrounding men. It feels like forever has passed since I’ve possessed such abandon. I wish I could revisit that time of my life again, when the possibilities were endless, and I wasn’t broken.

  Despite my efforts to ignore her, Bianca stares at me openly. “So, what are you? A cutter or something?” she sneers, indicating my scarred forearms.

  It’s hot in here, so I’ve rolled my sleeves up, never expecting that in a million years someone would have the audacity to accuse me of something like that. Even if I was into self-harm—and I’m certainly not—that’s not how you broach the subject. I’m categorically taken aback.

  “What is your problem?” I search her face to gain some understanding and find myself expecting a forked tongue to flick out of her mouth.

  “You’re my problem.”

  “What could I have possibly done to you?”

  “I see the way you’re going after Elliot.”

  “I’m not going after Elliot.”

  “And yet you were with him during the office drinks and walked most of the way here with him.”

  I frown. Who is this woman? “I need to talk to him for work. We get along. Is that against the rules now?”

  “Just stay away. Beth’s been working on him for months, and she doesn’t need some Amazon like you getting in the way. God only knows what he’d see in you. If you didn’t wear skirts and have long hair, I’d swear you were a boy.”

  My mouth drops open, and an animalistic rage seems to build deep inside me. In my mind, I’m jumping on her, screaming at her, while I scratch at her face and pull at her hair. But in reality, I keep my cool, knowing that all she wants from me is a reaction. I'm not stupid enough to give it to her.

  Instead, I look away, my eyes landing where Elliot stands with his friends. Beth has joined in and they’re all chatting happily like old friends.

  “It’s only a matter of time before he breaks,” Bianca says in my ear. “See how they look at each other? They’re perfect together.”

  I can’t deny the truth. Beth and Elliot look neat and tidy together. Like the poster children for perfection. He’s smiling; she’s smiling. Their hair seems equally shiny, and she’s just the right height, just the right size. They look right together.

  “I thought there was a ‘no-dating’ policy at work,” I say, struggling to drag my gaze away. Beth links her arm with Elliot’s and rests her head on his shoulder, laughing at something he said.

  “There is. But I’m sure they’ll find a way around it.”

  “He wouldn’t risk his career.”

  “You sure about that?”

  Jealousy flares within me as he puts his arm around her, giving her a gentle squeeze. It’s more bodily contact than he’s had with me.

  I need to look away. “Well, I guess it’s his life. He gets to do what he likes with it.”

  She grins. “I reckon he’ll be doing Beth by the end of the night.”

  “Good for him,” I state, refusing to allow even a shred of distress to enter my voice.

  Her eyes move over my shoulder. “David. You’re such a sweetheart.”

  She takes her Vodka Cruiser from his grip as he hands me a Bacardi and coke. My favourite. “I ordered us some food as well. This is like your third drink on an empty stomach,” he says in my ear.

  “Thanks for keeping count,” I say, knocking it back in two gulps before filling my mouth with the ice left over and crunching down angrily. “There. I ate.”

  “Is something wrong?” He frowns, taking the glass from my hand.

  “I’m fine. I'm going to dance.” I need space. I need to forget about men and move away from Bianca before I say something I’ll regret.

  “I'll come with you,” he says.

  “No,” I say, placing my hand on his chest. “I want to go alone.”

  His eyes meet mine with hurt disapproval. But he backs off, nodding before indicating that he'll be watching me. “Be careful.”

  I roll my eyes and walk away, pushing through the crowd, knowing that's bullshit. He'll be too busy seducing Bianca. Elliot will continue seducing Beth. And I’ll attract some random guy who’ll be terrible for me. But I’ll have some massive relationship with him anyway, just because I need to feel something more than rejection. Fuck my life.

  Kayley’s group has grown, and she squeals, hugging me as I squeeze in next to her. She seems pretty drunk at this point, claiming she loves everyone. She yells in my ear, introducing me to the other people she’s dancing with. They’re mainly her housemates and all Irish like her—they came over to Australia on working visas at the same time she did. One guy is her cousin, and he leans into me to shake hands and introduce himself properly. “I’m Connor,” he yells above the music in his Irish lilt.

  “Katrina,” I yell back.

  “Katrina. Beautiful name.” He smiles and releases my hand.

  Letting the music wash over me, I bounce and sway, closing my eyes and trying to forget about the men in my life. I can’t force David to love me. And I can’t change the rules at work, or the path Elliot is choosing for himself. I can only focus on me. And on having a good time.

  Before I know it, my prophecy is fulfilled and Connor and I have broken off from the group, rocking together to the music. He keeps talking close to my ear. I can’t really hear him, but I’m laughing anyway because his voice is really sexy. And the heat, coupled with the alcohol is making me forget myself. Maybe I should have had that food.

  Song after song, we dance and we laugh, our faces close, but always skirting past our lips. I know he wants to kiss me. But each time he nears my mouth, I turn my head, suddenly feeling out of my depth. I’m not ready for this.

  My eyes leave Connor and search for David. I need him with me. I need him to take me home. But I’m still dancing, still so close to Connor, and he leans in to kiss me properly this time. The moment I realise how close he is, I panic.

  “I’m sorry, I can’t,” I yell above the music, pushing him away then wrestling my way through the crowd to get outside for some fresh air.

  The moment I step out, I feel the cool air coming off the water wash over me. I gulp it in greedily and walk farther along the wharf to escape the noise. What’s wrong with me? That’s not the kind of person I am. This isn’t who I want to be.

  “Katrina?” I turn to the voice. My head throbs as I realise Elliot has followed me out.

  I’m pissed off at him as much as I’m pissed off at David. I can’t have another guy in my life who sets my heart on fire but won’t do anything about it. “Go away, Elliot,” I tell him sternly.

  “No, I’m not going away. What the hell was that about? You invited me out, to what? Watch you dry hump some guy on the dance floor?”

  I turn on him, the fire in my heart filling my veins. “You haven’t even spoken to me since we got here. You’ve been focused on Beth.” Releasing how insane I sound, I shake my head and step away from him. “Oh my god, what am I even doing? I’ve spoken to you what? Three, four times? We’ve trained together twice. I don’t even want a relationship right now, and I’m acting like some jealous girlfriend. Fuck this shit.” I try to catch my breath as I run my hands over my head in frustration. This guy is making me act stupid.

  “It’s not just you. I'm behaving the same way. I just met you this week, and I've done nothing but break my own rules for you,” Elliot says gently, moving closer, h
ands out like I’m a scared animal who might run or lash out. “I don’t act like this. I never go crazy over a girl. Especially one I work with. I don’t know what’s happening. In a week you’ve got me at a bar chasing you out because I couldn't handle watching you with that guy. I even acted like a fool at work in front of the partners when I saw you with David. I just… I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t even care if we’re not supposed to date because of that stupid policy at work. All I know is I want you, and I don’t even want to think about you with anyone else.”

  “You could lose your job, Elliot.”

  “So could you.”.

  “Who cares about my job? It’s entry level. I can get another one.”

  He stops in front of me and lifts his hand, brushing his fingers along the side of my face. “I care about your job,” he whispers as a rush of longing courses through my body. I lean into him and close my eyes, revelling in the touch of a man who wants me. “My days are better when you’re in them.”

  “We only just met,” I whisper back, almost crying because this is crazy. Totally fucking crazy.

  He draws my face towards his and ever so lightly, brushes his lips against mine. “I don’t understand it either.” Our mouths connect, and I let out a slight whimper as he encircles his arms around me.

  I part my lips and his tongue slides against mine, searching my mouth for a response and sucking my lips between his. My reaction becomes urgent as I reach my arms behind his head and entwine my fingers into his hair, pressing myself against him. Melting.

  His hands move down toward my arse, lifting me up in a show of strength as if I weigh nothing. I circle my legs around his waist, clinging to him and kissing him like I’m an addict and he’s my drug, not giving a thought to where we are. Crazy. Insane. Nuts.

  I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been drinking when I shouldn’t, or because I’ve been without a man in my life since Christopher, but my emotions are swimming around in my head, overriding any common sense I may have had in this situation. I give into my need for this man’s touch and tighten my grip around him as my tongue dives into his mouth more forcefully, exploring him, drinking him in.

  “Um, Katrina?” an Irish accent interrupts the moment.

  My eyes pop open, and I pull away from Elliot slowly, peering over his shoulder. I see Connor standing there with a look of disbelief on his face, closely followed by Kayley, David and worst of all, Bianca.

  She stands there behind the others shaking her head disapprovingly, while I remain frozen: my hair a mess, my lips swollen from kissing Elliot so hard, and my legs still wrapped around his waist.

  “What’s going on?” he whispers, not daring to turn around.

  I push myself away from him and lower my legs while he supports my weight until my feet touch the ground.

  Embarrassed from losing control in such a public place, I look from Elliot to the group before I stammer out, “I… I’m sorry. I h-have to go.”

  I run.

  Barely even five steps away, I hear David yell, “I’ll go!”

  I don’t stop.

  I know he’s chasing me, but I just keep going. I’m angry at him too.

  At full speed, I dash through Darling Park with the single thought of making it to Town Hall station. I need to go home.

  “Trina!” David calls out, catching me before I’ve even exited the concrete park. “Stop. What the hell was that about? Are you OK?”

  “What the fuck do you care?” I shoot back, slowing down to a walk, but continuing at top speed.

  “That’s bullshit and you know it, Trina. I care. Slow down, damnit.” He reaches for my shoulder. “Talk to me properly.”

  I stop and look at him face on. “I don’t know what I’m doing, David,” I cry. “I just made a complete fool of myself in front of my co-workers. Every time I’m around him, I can’t even think straight.” Tears of frustration fall from my eyes, and I shake my head, annoyed that I can’t seem to fight them. “I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of going without.”

  Catching my face in the warm palms of his hands, David shushes me and holds me steady, wiping my tears away as his thumbs gently caress my cheeks. “Hey, baby girl. Please don’t cry. Just calm down. Everything will be all right.”

  “No, it won’t. I don’t want this David. I don’t want to want something I can’t have. And Bianca saw. My god. Of all the people in that club, why did you have to choose her? She hates me.” I throw my hands up in exasperation and pull my face out of his hands. “I am a walking magnet for drama. All this, and it’s only been a week. This isn’t me, David. This isn’t the kind of person I am.”

  “Bianca?” He frowns. “What’s she got to do with all this?”

  “Bianca is nothing but a bitch toward me, David. She might have been all gorgeous sex kitten towards you tonight. But as soon as you left me with her at the bar, she asked me if I was a cutter because of my scars then warned me off Elliot. Every time I see her, she has something bitchy to say to me. She keeps calling me a boy. Why do you keep doing this to me? Why do you choose girls that are everything I’m not?”

  David takes a step back, his brow knitted tightly together. “I didn't choose her at all. I was just making conversation. I didn’t even know you were having trouble with her. You never told me she was giving you a hard time. You’ve hardly talked about your work at all. I only know about Elliot because I caught you staring after him on your first day. Otherwise, before tonight and that… that scene on the wharf, I’d have no clue. You have to talk to me, Trina. We're best friends, and before Christopher came along and fucked everything up, you and I were everything. I know you’ve been going through a hard time, and I’ve been patient, waiting until you’re ready to...but…” He pauses and shakes his head. “You’re everything to me. Don’t push me away because I remind you why Christopher hurt you.” He stares into my eyes, showing me how serious he is before he draws me into a tight hug. I sigh against his shoulder, realising I haven’t been a fantastic friend lately.

  “I’m sorry,” I cry. “I'm sorry. I’m a mess.”

  “It’s OK, baby girl. It’s OK.”

  As soon as I’ve calmed down, we walk arm in arm towards the train station, remembering half way there that we were supposed to catch the train back with Carmel. “I should call her and tell her where we are.”

  “I wasn’t going to do anything with Bianca,” David says while we wait for her to catch up. “Bitchy isn't really my type.” I lift my brow, knowing to the contrary so he adds, “Anymore,” with that lopsided grin of his that melts my heart and instantly makes me smile in return.

  “It doesn’t even matter, David. You can sleep with whomever you like. And like always, it’s none of my business. Although, I do think you should steer clear of Bianca. I’m pretty sure she’s a siren who’ll drown you if you get too close,” I say, trying to lighten the mood.

  An amused burst of air leaves his nose, but he stays fairly serious as he meets my eyes. “I didn’t realise you and Elliot had gotten so close.”

  I take a deep breath. “We’ve been training together,” I admit.

  He seems taken aback. “For how long?”

  “Just since Wednesday. We were both running, so we ran together. Then we went to the gym at lunch together.”

  “I see.”

  “I don’t really understand what’s going on because he runs hot and cold. There’s that no dating policy at work, so he acts like he barely knows me in the office, but then we’re best friends at lunch. And he’s funny and easy to get along with.” I reach out and touch his arm, trying to relax him as he tightens his jaw. “He’s a lot like you, really. I think you’d get along if you gave each other a chance.”

  “Jesus, Trina,” he mutters, looking away as he runs his tongue along his bottom teeth.

  “I know,” I say. “It’s reckless. I don’t even know him.”

  “Hey guys.” David looks over my shoulder at the sound of Carmen approaching, the
dark look on his face telling me she’s not alone. I turn around and see Carmel walking toward us with both Andrew and Elliot. David takes a step away from me.

  “Thanks for waiting,” Carmel says brightly. “I hate catching the train home by myself at night. I normally go home much earlier than this, but since you guys were staying, I thought, what the hell.” She giggles, a little breathless from her brisk walk. “I was freaking out when you left without me.” Elliot stands beside her watching me intently, his eyes dark and serious.

  “I’m sorry about that,” I say. “It won’t happen again.”

  “Ah, that’s what phones are for.” She waves my apology away.

  “My car is at the station if you need a ride home,” I offer, trying not to focus on Elliot’s gaze as it bores through me.

  “Will you be sober enough to drive home?” Andrew asks.

  “I’ll be fine,” I assure him. “I only had three drinks. I just didn’t eat much today, and it went straight to my head. Anyway, it takes an hour and a half to get home at this time of night. I’ll be well and truly sober by then.”

  “In that case, I’d love a ride home, thanks,” Carmel accepts, reaching up to Andrew and giving him a quick kiss goodbye. I watch the exchange and realise that Albina was right; the 'no-dating' rule doesn’t stop anyone at all. However, it could definitely cause problems if the wrong people knew about you. Like Bianca for example.

  Elliot touches my hand and lifts it toward him a little. “Can we talk before you go?”

  I nod and squeeze David’s arm to reassure him before walking a few steps away to talk to Elliot more privately.

  “I’m sorry,” he starts, frowning as he shifts on his feet. “I’m sorry if I pushed you or embarrassed you. It wasn’t my intention. I lost control.”

  “You didn’t do anything, Elliot. I embarrassed myself.”

  He studies my face for a moment, gauging my state of mind. If he could really see inside it, he’d find chaos and storms. “About Beth: she’s my PA. I know she has a thing for me. But I try not to encourage it. Putting my arm around her tonight was…a lapse in judgement.” He runs his fingers though his hair causing it to stick up at an odd angle.