Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one

by Anderson, Lilliana

  I let a single sob escape my chest as I watch his form grow smaller, sucking in huge lungfuls of air until I can breathe again without crying. How could he say those things to me? How could he throw that in my face when he knows I’ve always wanted more from him? Knows I would be with him if he gave me that option. He chose this. He drew big thick borders around our friendship, separating us from becoming anything more. He made us everything a couple was—minus the intimacy. And I went along with it because I loved him in all the ways you can love another person. I loved him so much I was willing to have him in my life, however it pleased him, just as long as he was here. And I accepted that we’d never be more. I pushed my longing deep down into the depths of my soul so I could love him without wanting him, and it was hard. It’s still hard. Every time I see him it’s hard. But I accept the man for who he is, accept my role in his life as his best friend. And I need him to accept his role in mine. I know my relationship with Christopher was hard on him. I know he’s scared of seeing me hurt again. But I can’t give up on finding happiness because he’s afraid. Short of never dating again, I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m just… I’m hurt.

  Nine

  With my phone switched off, and a white lie about feeling sick, I successfully avoided David for the rest of the weekend. Even when the gentle taps on my window woke me during the night, I remained quiet and unresponsive. I couldn’t get up and let him inside my room like I had so many times before, couldn’t lie in his arms and share a bed with him while we whispered into the night, platonically. Always platonically. I needed some of my own boundaries for a change. And this was one of them.

  His words cut me deeper than the glass that scared my skin. He got me right to my core in the most vicious way possible. I needed some time to myself.

  On Monday morning, I’m still not ready to see him so I catch the earlier train to work. The place is eerily quiet save for the gentle clacking of the keys on Bianca’s keyboard. She pauses her typing as I pass, a smug smile curving her plum coloured lips. I don’t have the energy to battle her, so I just smile and wish her a good morning.

  The moment I reach the library, Kayley races over and follows me to my desk. “Oh my god, oh my god! I can’t believe you kissed Elliot on Friday night.” She squeals and I drop my bag into my desk drawer with a sigh. It’s funny how something wonderful can be quickly overshadowed by something painful. I’ve already lost the heart full of hope I’d discovered through Elliot. It leaked from the wound David’s harsh words delivered.

  Kayley doesn’t seem to notice my lack of enthusiasm and clasps her hands together. “You, my dear friend, are my new hero. Although, I have to say you upset my cousin by rushing off like that. But, I’ll forgive you if you give me all the details.” She grabs one of the library chairs and wheels it over to sit next to my desk, looking at me expectantly.

  I can’t help but laugh at her wide-eyed, awe-filled expression. But I’m not sure what to tell her. I don’t even know how I feel about things anymore. “I don’t remember much. I’d had a few drinks by then.”

  “What?” She scrunches her face and sits back in her chair. “Are you telling me you got the glorious Elliot Roberts to lock lips with you and that’s all you have to say about it?”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to tell you.”

  She folds her arms. “That’s bullshit you don’t remember. Just tell me it was hot. It’s all I need, and I promise not to breathe a word to anyone.” She places a hand on her heart, a solemn expression on her face.

  I sigh, looking around to make sure no one is within earshot before I concede. “It was hot.”

  That small admittance causes her to squeal and bounce on her chair happily. “I knew it. Please tell me you’re dating him now. Someone in this place has to, and I would just love to see the look on Beth’s face when Bianca tells her.”

  “Sorry but no. I’m not dating him. It was a mistake. A drunken mistake. It can’t happen again.” When I deny my involvement with Elliot, it’s because I’m in the office and don’t want to fuel gossip. But by the time I’m finished, I believe my words to be true. As harsh as David was this weekend, he’s also right. Having a secret relationship with a guy I work with is a stupid idea. I need to stop it before it goes any further and messes my whole life up.

  “Seriously? One kiss and it’s over?” Well, two. But who’s counting?

  “It’s how it needs to be.”

  Kayley raises her eyebrows as she gets up to move her chair back in place. “I don’t believe you by the way.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That wasn’t a mistake, Katrina. Look at you: you're beautiful, tall and into sports. Same as him. The way I see it, you two are made for each other.” She turns and walks out the door, heading back to her desk.

  I’m so busy watching Kayley that I don’t notice Priya come in after her. “Katrina, can I see you in my office?” she asks, looking unimpressed.

  Anxiousness fills my head and buzzes in my ears. I nod and look out the window towards Kayley, who pulls her lip to the side in a grimace. Crap.

  I immediately get up and follow Priya out, trying to walk tall and confidant, despite feeling much like a head of cattle being led to slaughter.

  When we arrive at her office, Elliot is already sitting there with his legs crossed ankle to knee, his elbows on the chair arms and his fingers steepled in front of him. Now I understand what Bianca was so happy about this morning.

  I think I see a flicker of a smile pass his lips when he sees me. Although, he sets his face to impassive, eyes following us as we take the other two seats in the room. We’ve been ratted out. That didn’t take long.

  Priya takes her seat and leans her elbows on the desk to begin. “I got an interesting email this morning that said a few of your colleagues witnessed a rather public display of affection between you two.” She eyes us both closely.

  “Between us?” Elliot asks, his thumb pointing from himself to me. “When?” I press my lips together, not trusting myself to say anything.

  “Friday night at Darling Harbour on the wharf outside a club called Pontoon.”

  “Is there proof of this? Or are we going purely on speculation?”

  Priya sighs, and I’m pretty sure she mutters something about ‘bloody lawyers’ under her breath. “The email is quite detailed. I just need to know if it’s true,” she states.

  Elliot and I look at each other then turn back to her and shake our heads. The burden of proof lies with the prosecution. Legal studies 101.

  “Is that a no? Or are you declining to answer? I can always ask around the office, find a few more of these eyewitnesses.” Priya looks at the screen of her computer before eying us both, her gaze lingering on me longer than is comfortable.

  “Go for it,” Elliot says. “Eye witness testimony from a group of intoxicated twenty-year-olds?” He shakes his head. “How reliable could they possibly be? It was dark. They would have been at least fifty metres away. Without photo proof, this is hearsay at best, gossip more likely.”

  Priya presses her lips together. “I don’t hear you denying anything.”

  Elliot uncrosses his legs. “I don’t see you offering any evidence.”

  I can see why Elliot was chosen by the firm. He has skills—even if he doesn’t get to use them often.

  Giving up on Elliot, Priya shifts her attention to me. “You’re new here, Katrina. And I can understand that a new job can be overwhelming and slip-ups are made. Especially when alcohol is involved. I think I can let this go if you can give me a straight answer and promise this is the end of it.”

  I take a deep breath, feeling Elliot’s eyes on me. Like every tiny lie that’s come before, this one slips easily from my lips. “There’s nothing to tell.”

  Priya purses her lips as she sits back in her chair. “I’m not entirely convinced, but without proof or an admission, there’s not a lot I can do. You can go.”

  “Thank you, Priya,” I mutter, my pa
lms sweating against my thighs.

  She nods. “Just consider this a warning. We take our office policies seriously, and you both agreed to abide by them when you signed your contracts. If I receive proof you two are dating, there won’t be another chance. You will both lose your positions.” She looks at Elliot. “And I don’t care who your father is.”

  “Understood. Thank you, Priya.” Elliot nods politely as he stands to leave. Gesturing for me to walk out the door before him. I can’t even look at him. I just duck my head and practically run back to the library and the safety of my little desk.

  “What did she want?” For the second time today, Kayley rushes in for some gossip. “Was Elliot in there with you?”

  I don’t bother lying. “I think Bianca dobbed us in for Friday night.”

  “Oh no. Are you in trouble?”

  “No. We denied everything. Elliot went all lawyer on her and demanded she show proof. Since she had nothing more than the email reporting us, she just reminded us of the policy and let us go.”

  “You’ll have to be more careful. If I hear anything, I’ll do my best to redirect the conversation. Insist there’s nothing going on. You know, since I’m your best friend here and all.”

  With a chuckle, I power up my computer. “I appreciate that, Kayley. But there really is nothing going on. I promise.”

  Offering a conspiratorial smile, she winks. “Exactly. That’s what I’ll say too.”

  I roll my eyes and laugh as she heads back to her desk, her ponytail flicking from side-to-side as she walks. My best friend in the office? Weird. I’ve never had a female best friend before. Are you even supposed to rank your friends once you hit twenty? I haven’t got a clue.

  While I’m still smiling to myself over Kayley, my internal line rings.

  “Library, Katrina speaking,” I say into the handset.

  “You didn’t call. You didn’t text.” Elliot’s voice rumbles down the line, sending delicious little ripples racing beneath my skin. “If I was any other guy, I might think you weren’t interested anymore.”

  I look around the room to make sure I’m alone before I say, “Are you insane? Can’t they track who’s calling whom?”

  “Probably. But I’ll keep it brief and we can say I needed a book.”

  “Do you?”

  “Who knows? I’m sure there’s something boring in my tray that requires me reading an entire act from front to back.”

  “Being a lawyer isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, huh?”

  He sighs. “Not in the beginning, anyway. And you’re avoiding my question.”

  “You asked one?”

  “Why didn’t you call me this weekend?”

  “Did you call me?”

  “You’re avoiding.” I can actually hear the smile in his voice. “And yes, I did. Several times. Possibly forty-eight times. But who’s counting?”

  I place my fingers over my mouth as I laugh. “My phone was switched off. I needed some time to… process, I guess.” And lick my wounds over my fight with David.

  “Second thoughts?”

  “After this morning? Definitely.”

  “Let me take you out for a drink tonight. We can discuss your concerns.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Besides, I have training.”

  “Wednesday then? We can argue over the terms, establish boundaries, plan this out so we both get what we want with minimal risk.”

  “You sound just like a lawyer.”

  “I’m told it’s in my blood.” I hear his intake of breath as he pauses. “Say yes.”

  Closing my eyes, I squash down my nerves, push away the fear-filled thoughts in my mind and focus on my breath, on the way I feel when I’m around him, on the sliver of hope I have remaining in my heart. I’ve spent the entire weekend as an emotional wreck after my fight with David, and just listening to Elliot over the phone has me smiling again. I want to take this risk with him.

  Taking a deep breath, I let it out again before I nod. “One drink.”

  “I’ll let you know when and where,” he says, a smile in his voice as he disconnects then a request for a book comes through asking for the Australian Indigenous Law Review, Vol 18.

  I pull out my phone and power it up, ignoring the incoming notifications as I select Elliot’s number and sent him a text.

  Do you seriously need that book?

  Sure do, he replies immediately.

  Finding it on the shelf, I print out the receipt and mark it ready to collect. Beth will most likely come and get it shortly.

  Deciding I don’t want to be sitting in the library waiting for that confrontation, I grab my phone and take it to the bathroom, locking myself in the stall while I scroll through my weekend’s worth of notifications. Most of them are from David, a lot of from Elliot. There aren’t forty-eight, but there are a fair few. I feel kinda bad for leaving him hanging like that.

  Most of David’s messages are in the form of an apology or a plea for me to call him or let him come see me. Eleven years, Trina. I messed up. Please talk to me.

  Opening the reply box, my thumbs hover over my screen as I try to come up with something I can say to express what I’m feeling right now. I don’t want to push David out of my life. But I do need a break.

  I’m hurt. I need time, I message back.

  I’ve barely sent the message before my screen lights up with a call. My heart jumps into my throat and my eyes burn as a smiling picture of David fills the screen. I hit decline.

  A moment later, a message comes through. OK.

  * * *

  David’s and my lives are so intertwined that it’s hard to avoid him. He’s everywhere I normally am, and I have to make adjustments to my schedule to keep that distance I need. At uni, I arrive late and sit close to the exit so I can be the first one out. Travelling to work, I catch a different morning train and leave a little earlier in the afternoon. It’s crazy and if I’m honest, it’s a little lonely. But I need to figure out where my head’s at. I can’t face him when I’m hurting like this. Every time I consider it I almost burst into tears. I’m a mess.

  My arrival at work on Wednesday morning is met with a look of surprise on Bianca’s perfect face. I can’t help but smirk as she almost chokes on her sweet-smelling coffee. She probably expected I got fired over that email. I smile, glad she didn’t get the satisfaction, offering a polite finger wave as I head past her towards my desk.

  As I move around the library, replacing books left about, I’m hoping that the workplace interest in Elliot’s and my relationship status has died down enough not to cause me any more drama. I need to venture out of the library and take the new law magazines to his office, and I’m not keen on doing it to a chorus of whispers. It was so awful on Monday that I barely left the library at all, Kayley bringing me coffee so I could hide out during morning tea. It was insane how similar a large firm was to high school, all the groups and petty backstabbing games were the same.

  Taking a deep breath, I put on my big girl pants and walk confidently over to Elliot’s office, determined to behave as professionally as possible. With Beth in the cubicle outside his door, I smile and show her the magazines.

  “He’s on the phone. But you can put it on his desk.” There’s no smile or fake platitudes from her. Just cold indifference and a calm façade. Better than nothing.

  “Thanks,” I say, continuing through.

  Pushing his door open, I tap on the frame and wait for him to notice me. Wearing a sky blue dress shirt and maroon tie, he looks commanding from his high-backed office chair as he taps his fingers on his wooden desk, listening to his caller. “That precedent won’t stand,” he says. “No. It predates the one I provided you.” During the pause in his side of the conversation he smiles, mouthing ‘hi' before gesturing me inside. I marvel that a simple smile from him can send my stomach excitedly flipping around inside my body. He could be the salve I need right now.

  Moving to the other side of his de
sk, I hold up the law journals, and he points to his 'in' tray. Dropping them on top of the pile, I step back to leave him to it, stopping when he holds up his hand and signals for me to wait while he scribbles something down on a Post-It note then hands it to me.

  Star City Sports Bar 6:30pm? After reading it, I nod my agreement before folding it and tucking it inside my pocket.

  As I walk back, Carl is wheeling a heavily laden trolley down the hallway. “Hey, new girl,” he says, smiling when he sees me.

  “Hi Carl. How’s it going?” I stop beside him for a moment.

  “I was about to ask you the same thing. You’re the topic of the week, I hear.”

  “I was hoping that had died down already.”

  He laughs. “A promising young solicitor and the new girl busted for fraternising? No way, that stuff is gold. I was inside on Friday night, so I missed the show. Heard it was hot though.”

  I flush a little. I hate that people I don’t even know are talking about me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Yeah, that’s what they all say. Just watch yourself, OK. I’ve been privy to some bitchy conversations. I don’t think the other girls are taking it very well.”

  I smile and place a friendly hand on his arm. “Thanks for letting me know.”

  I pat him on the back and return to my desk where my internal line is already ringing. “Library. Katrina speaking.”

  “Hey, sorry I was on the phone.” Elliot’s baritone rumbles through the line, caressing me in places it shouldn’t be over the phone.

  “Don’t sweat it. We can’t talk here, anyway. I think we’re being watched fairly closely right now.”

  “Probably. You look hot today,” he whispers into the receiver.

  I blush and lower my voice to a murmur. “Thank you. You're not so bad yourself.”

  I practically hear him smiling. “Are you running today?”

  “I am.”

  “Want some company?”

  I smile. “I wouldn’t say no.”