Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one

by Anderson, Lilliana

  “That’s not what he does, David. You don’t understand.”

  “Did you know he’s been with Beth too? Kept it all a secret so nobody knew anything. Just like what he is doing with you.”

  “That’s not true. I'm the only…”

  “How do you know that? Is it what he told you?”

  “I…”

  “Maybe that’s what he does? Maybe he has a whole string of secret girlfriends. Have you considered that?” He stands there glaring at me, and I open and close my mouth, not knowing how to respond.

  “You know what? You can do whatever you want: make it secret, shout it from the rooftops. I don’t care, anymore. I won’t stand in your way because I’m removing myself from the equation completely.”

  “You…You’re dumping me?”

  “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep watching you self-destruct the way you do.”

  “Then stop me. Do something and stop me,” I yell, shoving him against his chest, daring him to act the way I thought he would on Saturday. Do it.

  His eyes go wide. “Why would I?” he roars. “You don’t fucking listen to me. You don’t hear me. You don’t see me.” He places his hands on my upper arms, fingers biting into my skin as he fills up my vision. “I have made you my world. But you only want me to be your moon, circling you constantly while you slowly creep closer towards your doom.” He shakes his head, eyes wide and locked on mine. “I can’t do it anymore.”

  I exhale, feeling punched in the gut as I wipe away a stray tear. “Don’t you dare pull that ‘I’m your world’ shit. You friend-zoned me years ago when I told you how I felt. I wanted you to be my world, and you said no. Don’t you dare throw a tantrum because I’ve found someone new. This is what you chose.”

  “I chose you at every turn. Every single time. It was you. It was you. It was you.”

  “Except for when it mattered. Except for when it truly counted,” I say, biting back. “Do you think this has all been fun for me? Do you think I like knowing you fuck all those girls? Do you think I like knowing you treat me like the girlfriend, but you get off with someone else at night? I need more than that, David. I deserve more. I need to be loved.”

  “I do love you! You don’t understand how much,” he yells back, his eyes wide with hurt.

  “Not the way I need you to. Otherwise you wouldn’t behave the way you do. You wouldn’t make me feel like the least desirable girl in the room. It seems to me you’re trying to hook up with every girl on this planet, pushing me and pushing me until I finally hate you because you can’t stand the idea of being something more with me.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Isn’t it? Because it worked. You win. Now that you’re sniffing around Beth, I don’t want you anymore. I can’t even look at you.” My tears fall as I watch his face screw up with hurt and anger from my words. I regret them almost immediately. But it’s too late, it’s all been said.

  He takes a step back, his eyes shining, jaw tight as he shakes his head from side to side. “You…you hate me now?” He runs his hands through his hair and blows out a breath that’s so charged with his emotions it hits me hard in the chest. “What are we doing? I wanted you to move on from Christopher. But…I wanted…I wanted you to move on with…” He stops talking and presses his lips together, shaking his head as he either tries to make himself continue, or force himself to stop. “He’s not the right guy for you. Hate me all you want, but he’s not.” He offers me a shrug then shoves his hands in his pockets and walks away. This time I don’t stand in his way. I just stand there, watching as my only real friend walks away, silent tears rolling down my cheeks as my heart breaks into a million tiny pieces. I don’t hate you.

  Twenty-Three

  With my entire body on fire, I focus my vision in the distance, the finish line looming. I lock my mind on my breath, on the rhythmic pounding of my feet against the path, needing one last push. The crowd cheers. I’m almost there.

  “Go you good thing!”

  I stumble over the finish line and drop to my knees, every muscle in my body burning. Why do I do this to myself?

  My coach hands me water as club members congratulate me. I guess that means I did OK.

  “Look at your time,” he says, pointing to the board.

  “Third,” I gasp, grinning. “I came third.”

  “She’s back,” he says, clapping a congratulatory hand on my back. “Watch out world.”

  Mum and Dad bustle about me, brimming with pride, closely followed by Tom and his girlfriend, and a few other people I train with. But it all feels a little bittersweet without David there too. He never misses a race.

  Looking towards the stands, my hungry eyes search then fall upon a familiar handsome face. The one who mends my heart—when no one’s looking of course.

  “That was amazing,” Elliot says, clapping as he moves towards me. “Congratulations.”

  Thanking him, I fall into his open arms, apologising for being so sweaty against his nice white T-shirt.

  “As if I care.” He beams and plants a kiss on my lips, not even reacting to the fact I’m a bright red mess right now. “I’m so proud of you.”

  I smile up at him, my heart relaxing with a happy sigh.

  Moving with him to the side, I take a moment to introduce Elliot to my parents, Tom and Daniella, watching the way both Dad and Tom size him up as they shake his hand.

  “And what are your intentions for my daughter?” Dad immediately asks.

  “Stop.” I laugh, playfully tapping Dad on his chest. “He doesn’t mean that, Elliot. Do you, Dad?”

  “Well, I suppose not,” he mutters, looking slightly put out.

  “It’s really lovely to meet you, Elliot,” Mum says, her eyes gleaming as she sizes him up for a different reason. “I’ve heard so much about you—from your mother, not Katrina. You’re even more handsome than your photo.”

  Elliot frowns for a second before it clicks. “You met at tennis, right? I remember her mentioning it.”

  “She was surprised to hear you were coming today. You don’t talk much?”

  Elliot grins and places a kind hand on Mum’s shoulder. “We do. But she obviously has lots of ways to keep tabs on me.”

  “All mothers do,” she says.

  Excusing myself, I leave Elliot to the inquisition from my family as I head back to our club tent to cool down and debrief with my coach and congratulate those who finished before and after me. Most of my squad is done now, but we all get together to cheer the final athletes across the finish line.

  By the time I head back to my family to save Elliot, I’ve had a quick shower and put on my street clothes. Searching the stands, I stop and squint against the sunlight, trying to focus on a familiar figure retreating up the stairs towards the carpark.

  “David?” I call out, and I’m sure he turns, but with his face in the shadows, I can’t be sure. It felt like him though. He came.

  I honestly have no idea what it means, but god it makes me happy.

  “Katrina.” Tom waves me over to where my parents are chatting with some other parents, discussing their children’s performances as though it’s an offshoot of their own efforts.

  “Ready to hit the road?” I ask Elliot as he slips an arm around my waist.

  “I’m not sure. I’m kind of enjoying listening to your mum brag about you.”

  My cheeks flame. “God. Has she mentioned the part about me walking at nine months old yet?”

  His eyes widen as he chuckles. “Sure has.”

  “Then we’re not missing anything. Let’s go. I’m starved.”

  Saying a quick goodbye to family and friends, we make our way to Elliot’s car, huddled together like any normal couple. The closeness makes up for the week spent avoiding him. It goes a long way to making up for my shitty week full stop.

  “Katrina!” A male voice calls after me once we hit the car park. A familiarity taps at the back of my mind and I turn around, curious and…concerned. />
  Christopher.

  “Great race today.”

  I push my hair from my face, my finger brushing along the smooth line of my scar. “Thanks,” I say, heart in my throat. Please don’t come over here. I forgave him for what he did to me. But I can never let him in my life again.

  “Do you know that guy?” Elliot asks as Christopher waves then gets into his Ford ute.

  Feeling relieved, I turn around and shake my head. “Not really.”

  “Must be a fan.” He flashes me a smile. “So where am I taking you to eat?”

  “Your place?” I suggest as he unlocks his car and pulls the door open for me.

  “You don’t want to eat first? I thought you were starving.”

  Rising up on my toes, I press my lips to his, needing the burst of Elliot to quiet the discomfort seeing Christopher brought up in me. It works, and I hum with pleasure as I lick my lips and grin. “When I said starving, I meant thirsty.”

  He lets out a low growl and pulls me against him. “My place it is.”

  * * *

  Stretching my leg out so my foot rests on Elliot’s shoulder, he runs a soapy loofah over my skin in long luxurious strokes. “I was surprised David wasn’t there today,” he says from the opposite end of the bath.

  “You’ve got me naked with my leg in the air and you want to talk about David?” I grin, lying back and enjoying the heat of the water on my exhausted muscles. Not too exhausted that I can’t go a few more rounds with Elliot between my legs. The man is good at what he does.

  “I want to talk about you. And since you’ve made it clear you two come as a pair, I expected to see him.”

  I press my lips together and sigh. “He’s not speaking to me.”

  “Any particular reason?”

  “He thinks I shouldn’t be dating secretly, especially after what happened with Christopher.” I go with the most basic explanation I can think of. The rest is too…deeply personal.

  “Does he worry I’m like Christopher?” He dips the loofah in the water, washing out the soap.

  “No, I don’t think so. He was kind of all over the place when we were arguing. He thinks I’m a little reckless with my heart. Doesn’t want me to get hurt.”

  He squeezes water down my leg, rinsing the soap away. “I’m not planning on hurting you.”

  I smile. “No one ever is in the beginning.”

  “I suppose that’s true.”

  “He did mention something about you, though. Something Beth told him.”

  He raises his eyebrows, his eyes confused. “What did Beth tell him about me?”

  I bite my lip, not really wanting to meet his eyes, afraid it might be true. “That you slept with her too. In secret. Just like you’re doing with me.”

  When I look up, his eyes are wide in astonishment, the loofah frozen in place. “And you believe that?”

  “No… Well, not at first. And I guess it doesn’t really matter. But… I do feel like I need to know.” I take my leg from his shoulder, sitting up a little. “Especially if it’s true. I don’t want to get my heart involved if office flings are a pattern for you.”

  “Office flings?” He sits up too. “A pattern?”

  “Is there an echo in here?” I say with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood.

  He wipes a hand over his face then leans forward and takes my hands, locking eyes with me as he speaks. “I’ve never slept with her, Katrina. I thought I made that clear. I have at no time even been interested in her either. I give you my word.”

  I nod. “I believe you. And I’m sorry. I just had to ask.”

  Sitting back, he rests his muscular arms on either side of the tub. “It’s fine. I’ll deal with Beth.”

  “What are you going to do to her?”

  “Let her know I don’t appreciate rumours being spread about me. Especially ones designed to get back to my girlfriend.”

  I tap him on the chest with my foot. “You cannot say that. You may as well get a billboard in Martin Place and get us fired that way.”

  With a chuckle, he catches my foot between his hands then works his thumbs into my aching arch. “I’ll be tactful,” he says as I moan contentedly. “And maybe just give David a little time to get used to us. I’m sure he’ll come around when he sees how serious I am.”

  “You’re serious?” I ask, breathless from the glorious things he’s doing to my foot.

  “As a heart attack. I don’t date unless I mean it.”

  “Hmm. That’s good to know. I’m the same.”

  He switches feet. “Also good to know.”

  I rest my head on the bath’s edge, closing my eyes as his fingers massage up my calf, producing that glorious achy relaxation that only a good set of hands can create.

  “Keep doing this and I’ll fall asleep in the tub. Then I’ll be no good to you at all.”

  “I don’t just want you for your body, Katrina.”

  Sitting up, I lean forward, placing my hands on his shoulders. “Now I feel really bad,” I say as I position myself over him.

  His hand cups around my thigh and slides up to my hip. “For?”

  “I totally want you for your body,” I whisper against his lips, reaching between us to guide his already hard shaft into my depths.

  Twenty-Four

  “I have to go home this morning,” I murmur, my fingers gliding through Elliot’s hair as he lies on my naked chest, listening to my heartbeat after a night filled with exploring each other’s bodies and very little sleep.

  He lifts his head to look at me. “Can’t you stay tonight as well?”

  “No. We have work tomorrow and I have a bunch of study I need to catch up on. There’s only one week left until exams start. Then I’m off work for three weeks.”

  “For exams?”

  I nod. “And my Ironman triathlon.” I lower my eyes, remembering the holiday David and I planned. That’s obviously not happening now. “It’s interstate.”

  “Interstate? Where?”

  “Hamilton Island.”

  His eyes widen slightly. “Hamilton Island? In a month?”

  “Three weeks. I put in for the extra week off work so I can have a break.”

  “On Hamilton Island?” That was the plan.

  “I’m not sure yet,” I lie. It’s booked, but I can feel where this conversation is going, and I can’t in good conscience take Elliot with me. I should just cancel it.

  “I could always put in for a week off too? Meet you up there?”

  I run my fingers back through his hair, running my index finger beneath his jaw. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Too coincidental.”

  He groans and rolls onto his back. “You’re right. But does this mean I won’t get to see you for a month?”

  “You can still see me. I need study breaks, you know. Let’s say, next Friday night?”

  “One night a week,” he says, glancing up at the ceiling. “That’s all we get?”

  I roll on my side and bounce a shoulder. “Did you expect we’d find more? You know our circumstances.”

  “The moment you get a free weekend, I want you here with me the whole time.”

  “Let me check my schedule.” I grin. “I’ll see if I can slot you in somewhere.”

  “You better. After this race of yours, I want you Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Maybe even Monday. I need some time with you. Like, a lot of time with you.”

  “You’re making me want to complete the race and run straight to the airport to get back to you.”

  He slides his arm around my waist. “How about the weekend after your competition? I’ll take you out on the town, show you off to my friends. We can celebrate the end of the uni year, and you can relax before getting back into training mode for your next event.”

  “I’d like that,” I say, running my nails up and down his arm, causing his skin to bump. He hums his contentment, griping when I stop and tap him on the shoulder, asking him to hop up.

  With an unhappy groan,
he rolls off me. “We don’t get enough time,” he complains.

  “We’ll get more time in a few weeks,” I say, as I stand up and gather my things. “Be patient.”

  “Patience sucks when you can only look without touching all week.”

  I lean in and kiss him tenderly. “Then savour the moments we have.”

  “I do. It’s why it’s so hard to let you go.”

  Smiling, I move towards the bathroom. “I need to shower. Will you drive me to the station after breakfast?”

  “I’ll drive you home,” he states.

  “It’s too much petrol for one weekend. I’m fine on the train.”

  “No, I’m not just fucking you and dumping you at the train station. This is supposed to be a relationship. I want to drive you. I want to spend a bit more time with my girlfriend.”

  “All right, you can drive me,” I soothe, loving the sound of him calling me his girlfriend. I love how sure of himself he is. I turn and walk into the bathroom, turning on the shower to wait for it to warm up.

  “Do you want me to wash your back?” he calls from the bedroom.

  “No, thank you. I'll never get home if we start that again,” I call back teasingly.

  “That’s the point,” he says, appearing at the door, reaching out and pulling me towards him.

  * * *

  Two hours later we’re on the road back to Penrith. I don’t feel as though our bubble is bursting this time. We talk comfortably with each other, touching each other when we can, and making plans to continue training together at lunch times so we can still see each other during the week. Now that David isn’t having lunch with me, Mondays can be used for training as well. As much as it sucks that we can’t behave like a couple during the work week, those snatched hours of friendship are the next best thing.

  “Aren’t you worried someone will see us training together and figure something is up?” I ask after a while.

  “Nope.”

  “Why not? Someone could see us outside the office—and not just training. They could see us, like, in the car together.”