Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one

by Anderson, Lilliana

  Instead, he’s treating me like he doesn’t even know me. Like I’m no one. And that really sucks.

  Even training doesn’t help anymore. With my life in shambles, I don’t have the energy to put into it. I’m seriously considering giving up the sport altogether to focus more on uni and work. I need to change my life, do something drastic. It’s not working the way it is.

  My phone vibrates in my desk and I pull it out, my heart catching when I see David’s name on the screen. We should talk.

  We should talk? We should talk? What could there possibly be left to say? Is there a piece of my heart he hasn’t broken yet? Oh wait, maybe he’s getting married and wants to make sure I hear it from him first? That’d be fucking fantastic and just my luck. Elliot freezes me out because I’m from the wrong side of town, and David goes and marries a girl from the right side of town. It’d be the perfect ending to my stupid fucking life.

  I drop my phone into my bag, shaking my head at my bad luck.

  I should be happy he’s contacted me. I’ve been pining away, mourning the loss of our friendship for weeks now, and I wanted him to make contact. But now that it’s happened, I don’t want to go backwards. I don’t want to be the girl at home while he fucks someone else anymore. I don’t want to be his emotional catch-all held at an arm’s length.

  No more men, Katrina. They just mess you up.

  I’ve cried enough. I’m done with this constant rejection. I just want to… I want to forget them all.

  It’s time to reclaim my life.

  When I get home, I shower, do my hair and makeup and put on a nice dress before heading into the living area.

  “Where are you off to?” Mum asks, giving me a concerned look. “Please tell me you aren’t going on a date with someone new. My heart can’t take it.”

  I laugh and shake my head. My how her tune has changed. “I’m going to watch a band on my own. I’m taking back my life.”

  “By yourself? Why don’t you wait and see if Tom and Daniella can go with you?”

  “That’s the whole point, Mum. I need to start doing things on my own. I’ve always relied on someone. This is about becoming as strong as I’ve always thought I was.”

  “But you are strong, sweetheart. Just look at you. Look at all you’ve done.”

  “I need to feel strong. I won’t be late, OK?”

  “Be careful,” she calls after me as I leave.

  * * *

  The band is already playing Nirvana hits as I push my way through the crowd at the Irish pub in Emu Plains. Heading to the bar, I order myself a different flavour for my brand-new path; a Midori, Bacardi and lemonade. The bartender shakes his head and tells me they aren’t allowed to serve doubles.

  “Oh. Then just give me a Midori and lemonade with a Bacardi shot on the side. Can you do that?”

  He nods and starts mixing my drink while I think it’s a bit of a dumb rule. Alcohol restrictions are getting tighter and tighter.

  “I’ll pay,” a familiar male voice says when my drinks are set in front of me. He hands a twenty-dollar note to the bartender and tells him to keep the change.

  “I know you told me about tonight, but I wasn’t expecting you’d be here,” I say as I turn around. “When did you start liking 90s music?”

  “I’ve mellowed out now I’m clean.” Christopher smiles, looking the picture of health. Dark eyes gleaming, skin tan and clear, his brown hair styled neatly. He looks good. Like I remember him in the beginning.

  “Why were you at the triathlon last month? Are you stalking me now?”

  He laughs. “No. I was supporting a friend and stuck around to see you race too. You looked good out there.”

  I shrug. “I don’t know if I’m feeling it anymore.”

  “What happened to the Olympic dream?”

  “I was never going to make it. I just wanted to qualify to try out. That was my goal. But I don’t know. It feels like a waste of time.”

  “Does this have something to do with the guy I saw you with?”

  I shake my head. “We aren’t dating anymore. But no, it’s not about him. It’s me. I just think maybe my time is up. There’s more to life than sport.”

  “Why don’t you come and watch the band with us? Brent and Abby are here. Remember how much fun we used to have before everything got so messed up? Maybe catching up with old friends will help change your perspective a little. Help you find that drive you had back when I knew you. And I bet they’d love to see you.”

  “I don’t think anyone can change my mind but thank you for trying. I’m going to pass, however. I think you can understand why I don’t want to hang around you.”

  His eyes soften. “I wish you could forgive me.”

  “I do. But it’s hard. Looking at you as you are now, I could almost forget. But every time I blink, my mind superimposes that look—the crazed animal you became—over the top of your face and I’m struggling.”

  “You know I’d never hurt you again though? You know it was the drugs?”

  “Yes. And logically, I can reason all of that out. But it’s like a PTSD that triggers when I look at you. I’m trying to keep my cool here, but I need you to walk away.” I can only stay calm for so long. The images from that day flit through my mind, faster and clearer the longer he stands in front of me.

  “Please,” he says, reaching for my arm. “Don’t let your issues with me stop you from coming to see Abby and Brent.”

  I snatch my arm back like it’s been singed with fire. “I need you to leave.”

  “Get your fucking hands off her.” Christopher stumbles back as David slams his hands into his chest, jumping in between us and shocking the life out of me.

  “David!”

  “I wasn’t touching her,” Christopher shoots back. “Fucking relax.”

  “I’ll relax when you fuck off. If it was up to me, you’d be in prison right now. So how about you take the win and get the hell away from her.”

  “What did you say to me?” Christopher demands, through clenched teeth, leaning threateningly toward David. Oh no.

  “I said, fuck. the hell. off you pussy-hating-woman-basher,” David growls, speaking close to Christopher’s face.

  “Stop,” I say, trying to get them to back down before this goes too far. But we’ve been through this before. People don’t change much, and Christopher never backs down from a fist-fight. Neither does David.

  “Fuck you,” Christopher spits, his fist connecting with David’s jaw with a sharp jerk.

  David’s head flicks to the side, blood and spit spraying through the air. But that doesn’t stop him, he returns the blow, a fist in Christopher’s gut, followed by a sock to the eye.

  Christopher roars. He lunges forwards, throwing his weight at David as they both go toppling to the floor, punching, kneeing and choke holding each other. The entire bar erupts into a cacophony of cheers, egging them on and placing verbal bets on who they think will win. I can’t even hear the band anymore.

  I scream for someone to call the police as I rush over and try to pull Christopher off David as he pins him to the ground, holding him by the face and smashing his head into the ground. All I succeed in doing is getting clipped in the cheek by Christopher’s elbow. I yelp as I stumble backwards.

  Brent streaks past me, jumping in along with some random guy I don’t know to hauls Christopher off David. “The cops are coming,” he yells in Christopher’s ear. “We need to get out of here.”

  I rush to David, dropping on the floor next to him as he lies there, covered in blood and laughing, of all things.

  Christopher grunts as Brent continues dragging him back. “Jesus, Christopher,” I yell. “I let you back in my life for five minutes and you beat the crap out of someone? I believed you when you said it was the drugs. But now I just think you’re a thug. Don’t ever speak to me, David, or anyone I care about again. The police are on their way and we will be pressing charges this time, mark my words. I let it go once, I won’t let it go a
gain.”

  He looks at me, his expression falling, as he aggressively shrugs out of Brent’s grip. “Fuck,” he yells, before he books it, trying to get out of there before the police haul him off. I spot Abby in the crowd. She stops next to us on her way out and says, “I am so, so sorry that just happened.”

  “What’s a night out in Penrith without a fistfight or two?” I shrug, before I turn my attention back to David when he tries to sit up.

  “God, he hits hard,” he grunts, spitting blood on the ground beside him.

  “What the hell was that?” I ask softly. I’m not even angry. All of my anger evaporated the moment he hit the ground. He was literally fighting for me. Accepting a paper napkin from a girl at a nearby table, I hold it under his bleeding nose. “He could have killed you, then what would I do?”

  David sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t know. I just saw him near you and pretty much stopped thinking from that point.”

  I reach up and move his hair away from his forehead. “Do you think you have a concussion?”

  He tries to stand up, so I jump up first to help him. “I don’t know,” he says. “But I’m pretty sure he broke my nose.” The bleeding isn’t slowing down, so I grab more napkins to help stem the flow.

  “Come on, I’ll take you to the hospital and get you checked out.”

  We walk out to the parking lot together and get into my car, driving in silence to the emergency room at Nepean Hospital. There’s so much that needs to be said between us that the air feels thick all around.

  “What were you doing there?” he asked once we pass the plaza.

  “I wanted to watch the band. Why were you there?”

  “Your mum called me. She’s worried about you.”

  “I see,” I say, gripping my hands tighter on the steering wheel.

  “I’m worried too.”

  Stopping at the lights before the highway, I glance in his direction. “I’m just trying to live my life without you. It’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?”

  He shakes his head. “It wasn’t supposed to hurt. Letting go was supposed to be a relief. You were supposed to be happy.”

  “Well, like I told Beth to tell you: you were wrong.”

  He nods then we stay quiet until we arrive at the hospital. We’re sent through to triage fairly quickly where they assess the urgency of David’s wounds and decide to take him straight through since he’s bleeding quite profusely.

  I go through with him and sit in silence, while one of the nurses cleans him up then the police arrive to take our report. They speak to both of us, and assure us they’ll be bringing Christopher in. Then they leave and a doctor comes by to look at David’s face. It all takes so long, and we don’t get a chance to speak to each other until the doctor tells us he’s ordering some scans and we’ll have to wait to be taken to imaging.

  The moment we’re alone, David reaches over and takes my hand. I close my eyes when he does. It feels like home. Don’t cry.

  “Why were you even with Christopher?”

  “I wasn’t. He found me at the bar. And we were talking.”

  “Did he know to find you? Is he watching you?”

  “No. I mean, he told me about the band, but since he always said he hated Nirvana, I wasn’t expecting him to be there.”

  “Wait. What? He told you about the band? When? How?”

  “Via text. He sends them sometimes. We don't talk though. I don’t respond. And I saw him at that last club triathlon at the Lakes. The one you were at too. He said good race, but I was with Elliot so I didn’t approach.”

  “You saw me there, huh?”

  I nod and run my thumb over his scratched-up hand. “I was really happy to see you. It meant a lot.”

  “Like I said, I still care.”

  “And now you’ve got a broken nose to prove it.” I offer a small smile and he laughs, wincing a little when the pain in his face gets the better of him.

  “I guess you needed a grand gesture, huh?”

  “To prove what exactly?”

  “Come here.” He tugs on my hand, pulling me towards the bed he’s on. I sit down facing him, and he keeps his eyes focused on my hands as he speaks. “I lost my mind today, baby girl.” He looks up at me, and I can see the pain in his eyes. “I can’t handle seeing you with any other guys anymore—especially him.” He reaches up and touches my cheek gently. “Does this hurt?”

  I close my eyes against his touch, feeling the warm familiarity of his fingers against my skin. My hope returns, a rose blooming in my chest as I hold his hand against my cheek and let a tear escape, my heart aching from missing him so much. I shake my head no, not trusting my voice to speak.

  He moves his thumb to wipe my tear away and sits up so his poor swollen face is closer to mine. “Trina…I will never be able to handle seeing you with anyone else because… because I want to be with you,” he whispers. “I want us to be together.”

  My eyes lock solid with his; eyes that are blue like mine and filled with equal measures of the pain and suffering I’ve also endured during our time apart. The world doesn’t make sense without him.

  “What about Beth?”

  “It’s over. The moment I saw you come out of that lift—the anguish you felt, how hurt you were. I knew that what we were doing was wrong. I should never have left you.”

  I cover my eyes with my free hand as my tears burst from my eyes. “I’m so sorry. I should have listened to you. I should have realised sooner.”

  He gathers me in his arms and shushes me, holding me tight even though I’m sure his body is in pain. “I’m the one who didn’t make it clear. I kept backing out, letting my fear get the better of me.” Shifting back, he holds my face in his hands and looks deep into my eyes. “All we have left is a chance, Trina. Will you take it with me?”

  Closing my eyes as tears splash down my cheeks, I nod. “I would love to take a chance on you, David. I love you so much. I always have.”

  “I love you, Trina,” he whispers, pressing his lips to mine, kissing me for the first time without the fear of messing this up. This time when our mouths connect there’s no anger behind our action, just pure honesty and emotion. He loves me. He wants me. I’m his. He’s mine.

  “I know I’ve already told you, Trina. But you need to hear this again: You need to understand that I love you so much it hurts. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, ever. I’ve loved you for years—even before I stole your first kiss through that window. I was just too shit-scared to admit it. I was scared I’d fuck things up between us and I’d lose you because of it. I kept telling myself it was better to be friends forever than to be—”

  “Lovers for a moment,” I finish for him, having heard him tell me this drunkenly many times before.

  “Yeah,” he says, reaching up and gently touching the side of my face with the back of his fingers. “Now, I feel that denying what was between us was enough to ruin us, anyway. And I don’t want that, Trina. I love you too much to lose you. I love you. And I’d rather risk loving you honestly than live for another moment without you.”

  “You won’t fuck it up, David. I won’t let you,” I whisper, kissing him again, soft lips and gentle sighs. I love him so much.

  When we pull away, he looks into my eyes, his own filled with affection as he wipes at the tears on my cheeks. It’s only now, being with David again that I can truly understand how much I’ve been missing him. It was like a part of my soul was gone when he wasn’t in my life. I used Elliot to fill that gaping hole, and it was wrong of me to do that. No matter how things ended between Elliot and I, he didn’t deserve the fallout from my reckless heart. I probably owe him an apology for how I behaved in the office—even if he never apologises for dumping me without explanation, I think I should be the bigger person and prove that Westies aren’t the basal creatures his father thinks we are. We have honour and integrity, and we admit it when we’re wrong. And I was wrong. I threw myself at Elliot, told him I could fall in love with h
im, and that was never true, because the person I love—the person I’ve always loved—is David.

  It will always be David.

  “I love you, David,” I say again, burying my face in his neck as he holds me close. “I was so miserable without you. I thought I’d lost you forever.”

  “You never lost me, baby girl. I just needed to grow up a little.” He smooths my hair and kisses my head, whispering that everything will be all right, and he won’t leave me again. He tells me how sorry he is, and that he loves me so much it hurts to be away from me. I tell him the same, whispering all the things my heart has been holding in for so long.

  I love you, David. I love you. I love you. I love you.

  A nurse comes around and takes David to get his scans done. I don’t want to let go of him. But I’m told to sit in the waiting room as it’s likely he’ll go home afterwards. It hurts my heart to leave his side when we’ve only just become us again.

  A good two hours later David comes through the doors with a prescription for painkillers and an information sheet about concussions. The scans don’t show anything except for a fractured nose—which is less than we were expecting—and a slight concussion. He needs to be monitored overnight and isn’t allowed to drive for twenty-four hours.

  “Let’s get out of here, baby girl,” he says, holding his hand out to pull me to my feet.

  I look at his face, all swollen and bruising already. “Aren’t they going to put anything on your nose?”

  He drapes his arm over my shoulder, the familiar gesture filling my heart with happiness. “Nah. They said ice it, take some painkillers and some decongestant. It’s just a fracture and should heal fine on its own. But,” he pauses, grinning that half-dimpled grin of his. “You’re going to have to keep me up all night to make sure I don’t have any bad effects from the concussion.”