Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one

by Anderson, Lilliana

  “Oh, David,” I breathe. “This is the most beautifully corny gift anyone has ever given me. I love it. I love you.” I run around the bench to the kitchen and throw my arms around his neck, kissing him thoroughly to show my gratitude for such a beautiful gift. “Thank you so much, I’ll wear it always.”

  “You’re more than welcome,” he whispers as he takes it from me and undoes the clasp. “I wanted to give you something to commemorate our first month as a couple.”

  I hold my hair up as he reaches behind me, re-joining the clasp and adjusting the necklace so it sits neatly on my breastbone.

  I finger the disc, twirling it as I smile happily at him. “A whole month, hey?”

  “Well, a month and one day. I thought I should keep to tradition by celebrating a little late since we came into this relationship late too.”

  “I love it,” I say with a smile, reaching up to touch his now healed face. “I love you, and I love my gift.”

  He nibbles at my ear and whispers, “I love you too,” he says, kissing my neck where the necklace lies. I lean against the bench as he pulls my singlet above my breasts.

  “Do we have time for this?” I ask, knowing we both have a train to catch if we want to get to work on time.

  “We do if we’re quick,” he says grinning wickedly as he whips my pyjama shorts down my legs in a move any magician would be proud of. “I’ll bet I can rock your world in twenty minutes.”

  I laugh, accepting his challenge, as he grips my thighs and hoists me onto the bench before dropping to his knees in front of me. The moment his tongue darts out and laps tenderly at my clit, the smile falls from my face, replaced with a look of pure bliss.

  * * *

  Half an hour later we’re satisfied, showered, dressed and heading out the door on our way to work. “Don’t forget I have my Christmas party tonight,” I tell David while he deadbolts the door.

  He tears the slice of toast he’s still eating from between his teeth and nods. “You were planning on going home afterwards.”

  “I’m going to be drunk, and work is giving us taxi vouchers. So you won’t have to deal with me.”

  “Your work loves to liquor up their employees.”

  “They sure do. Helps us forget how soul crushing the work is,” I joke.

  “Well, I won’t complain if you want to catch that cab here. I like drunk Trina. She’s freaky.”

  “Don’t temp me.”

  “That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.”

  “Well, as much as my mum loves you, she still expects me home occasionally. She wants to go shopping with me tomorrow or something.”

  “I don’t know why you don’t just move in with me. You spend most nights here, anyway.”

  “Because we’re trying to do this right for a change. Date until uni ends then move in together.”

  “Baby girl, you and I are a sure thing. The rules don’t apply to us.”

  “Ask me again when we’ve been dating six months and six days. I’ll have your answer then.”

  He chuckles. “I’ll hold you to that. But you have to do one thing for me tonight.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Meet me in the foyer of the Hyatt. Your mum already knows you aren’t coming home.”

  “You got us a hotel room for the night?” My eyes go wide with excitement.

  “The weekend actually. I’m going to pamper my girl with luxury.”

  I wrap my arms around his neck for the second time that morning, peppering lipstick kisses on his face. “You are awesome at this relationship thing.”

  He laughs. “Well, you’ve always brought out the best in me.”

  Thirty-Two

  “I love half days,” Kayley sighs as she approaches my desk. “Are you looking forward to your first work Christmas party?”

  I wrinkle my nose. “I don’t know. I'm a bit nervous actually.”

  “Don’t be, they’re great. They’re pretty swanky and everybody gets drunk and starts dancing and letting loose. Then we all go out afterwards. So, it’s a day and night full of fun, fun, fun!”

  “Let me guess. You're going out to Pontoon afterwards?”

  “Hell yeah. We all love it there. There’s dancing, food, billiards and best of all—couches. I just love the couches. Are you coming this time? You’ve been notably absent these past couple of months.”

  “Well, it’s a bit uncomfortable being around Beth these days. I’ve snatched two guys from under her nose, so I thought it best to stay away.”

  Kayley laughs. “You know she and Bianca only come out with us when you’re there? They normally have nothing to do with us.”

  “Really?” I ask, taken aback slightly. Bianca and I have a kind of understanding these days; she stays out of my way and I stay out of hers. It works well.

  “Yep.” She drums her hands on the top of my partition. “Well, I’m off. Do you want me to go downstairs with you and show you where the bus picks us up?”

  “That would be great, Kayley. Thanks.”

  * * *

  When the time comes to leave, the entire office stands on the side of the road and waits for the two buses the company has hired to safely ferry us all to the Park Hyatt. The function room is beautifully appointed with round tables covered in white linens and festive silver and blue centrepieces, all surrounding a buffet and a small dance floor.

  Christmas music croons from the speakers and waiters are circulating with trays of wine and beer. There’s a bar at the back of the room that serves spirits for you to buy and free soft drinks, like coke or lemonade.

  I take a glass of wine from a tray and walk towards the nearest table to inspect the settings. I notice there are name cards at each table telling us where to sit.

  “Oh god, I hope I’m not seated next to my boss,” Kayley says from beside me. “I’m going to find out where I am and move my name if I’m not happy.” She gives me a mischievous look before dashing off.

  I’m really not fussed about where I’m sitting and spend time chatting to a few people I know while admiring the Christmas decorations around the room. They’re all white faux pine with silver and royal blue decorations. The light in the room has a blue hue to it as well, and they’re pumping that smoke they use in nightclubs at floor level. It creates a misty swirl as everyone moves around, making it appear as though we’re in a winter wonderland in the middle of Sydney’s summer.

  “So, what do you think of it all?” Carmel asks, as she approaches, smiling warmly.

  “It’s lovely, almost magical,” I breathe, looking around. “I think this is the fanciest place I’ve ever been to.”

  “Me too. They go all out don’t they?”

  I nod, still looking around the room, feeling like I’ve entered the set of a Christmas movie.

  “Have you found your name card yet?” she asks.

  “No, I’ve been too busy circulating and admiring the room.”

  “Well, you’d better claim your seat fast. People are rearranging the cards. You’ll get stuck next to someone awful if you’re not quick enough,” she warns.

  I laugh. “Well, in that case. I'd better get moving.”

  I wish Carmel well and make my way around the tables trying to find my name. A lot of people have already taken their seats and are chatting happily. I spot Kayley, already seated, and she signals to me that she doesn’t know where my name is.

  My heart falls when I finally find my name. I haven’t even considered the possibility of being placed there. I’m seated on the right-hand side of the last person I want to sit next to, Elliot. To his left is Beth and to her left is Bianca. There are eight people to a table and four others I don’t know are sitting across from me. I stand back from the table a little, not really wanting to sit down just yet.

  Ken, the partner I’d spoken with at drinks, stands up at the front of the room, tapping the microphone to get everyone’s attention.

  “If everyone could please find their seats. The buffet will soon start.
Then we’ll have some speeches, a few fun awards and a bit of dancing when the eating is all done.”

  I lower my eyes as I move forward and roughly drag my chair out to sit down. I don’t bother looking at the three I already know. I just smile and nod at the four I don’t, introducing myself to the person who sits at my right. He’s softly spoken, and I struggle to hear him over the noise of the room, but I think he introduces himself as Eric.

  “Hello, stranger,” Elliot murmurs in my ear.

  Turning slowly, I level my gaze on him, and I can see his eyes darken. He’s still so beautiful to look at. But I don’t have that same need or want around him I did before. I just feel…sad. For him, not me. He’s the one with no control over his destiny.

  “Stranger indeed. But that’s what you wanted, isn’t it? To pretend we were never a thing?” I fix a saccharine smile on my face for the sake of anyone watching.

  “It’s not what I wanted. My father—”

  “I don’t want to hear it. You are your own man, and no one—not even your father can make you do anything you don’t want to.”

  “But…” he starts, and I shake my head.

  “This isn’t the time, or the place to be having this conversation, Elliot. Neither of us needs another written warning.” I flick my eyes to Beth and Bianca, noting their tilted heads as they strain their ears in an effort to hear what we are saying.

  “Who cares about those two!” he bursts out, louder than he should. “What are they going to do? Dob on us for talking?”

  That’s when it dawns on me. “Did you move my name card here on purpose?”

  His gaze flicks to the place card in front of me. “I needed to talk to you,” he admits.

  “Here? You couldn’t just pick up the phone?”

  “Would you have answered if I did?”

  I open my mouth to say yes, but shut it abruptly when I realise that no, I probably would have let it ring out. “That first week, yes. But now? No. I wouldn’t have.”

  “See?”

  “Fine, Elliot. Talk. But understand it will change nothing.”

  He nods his head towards Beth. “I heard you’re with David now. I guess there was something to worry about after all?”

  “I’ll be honest with you, Elliot. I’ve always been in love with David. I just didn’t think he could love me too. So, when I told you there was nothing to worry about, at the time, I was being honest.”

  “You were fighting because of us?”

  I nod. “Yes, we were. He told me how he felt after you went to see him.”

  “Yeah, I remember your message. You said you chose me…” He drops his eyes on a sigh then looks back up at me, his eyes looking pained as his brow creases. “But were you ever really mine?”

  “Yes,” I say immediately. “The time we were together, I believed in what we were. But you let me go. Without a word, you let me go. And my world shifted and opened the door for David and me.”

  His eyes close. “I made a mistake letting you go,” he whispers.

  “Maybe it’s the best for both of us. You promised me you’d never hurt me, and you did. I promised I’d never date David, and I am.”

  He shakes his head. “I knew it would happen. I could tell by the way you talked about him.”

  “Don’t put this on me, Elliot. You made your choice when you shut me out.”

  “You were always going to leave me for him,” he states.

  I shrug my shoulders. It’s something I can’t deny. “I’m not going to fight about this. What’s done is done.”

  His eyes skim over me, and he grunts slightly. Talk about an uncomfortable dinner. I turn my head away from him when it is announced that the buffet is being served. Tables are being called up one at a time to choose their meals.

  “I'm sorry, Katrina,” he says, causing me to turn back to him. “I know I’m the one who ruined things between us. I shouldn’t blame you, or David. I just… I wanted to talk to you and explain myself. I want you to understand how sorry I am for the way I acted. I really was a coward like you said.”

  “Elliot, you’re not a coward,” I say, feeling bad for planting that word in his head. “You’re just stuck. I already know your father threatened to cut you off for dating a western suburbs girl. I obviously wasn’t worth standing up to him, and that’s fine—I accept that. But I think I’ll be forever pissed at you for giving me the silent treatment instead of having the decency to break it off with me properly. I think I at least deserved a phone call.”

  He looks down at his hands. “I know. I went about it all wrong, and I’m so sorry for that. I guess I just knew that if I spoke to you, I wouldn’t be able to go through with it, then I’d be out on my own with no one to help me.”

  I think about how David has moved out on his own with a job that pays less than Elliot’s. But because he’s realistic with what he can afford, because he’s always saved his money, he’s comfortable in his accommodations and lifestyle. When I used to look at Elliot, I saw a man who had his life together and everything going for him. Now I see him as a boy who’s petrified of going against his father, still clinging to his purse strings. I’d rather be poor than controlled. That’s no way to live.

  “I don’t know what to say to you, Elliot. I’m sorry your father’s money holds such importance you let it rule your decisions. I’ve never had lots of money, so to me the choice to follow my heart would have been easy.” I shake my head, searching for the words to convey how I feel about everything that happened between us. “You hurt me, Elliot. You made me feel special, you made me feel loved. You let me feel something for you then, poof.” I use my hands to mime the word. “It was all gone, and all I got was an insult about being a Westie from your father, and not so much as a text message from you. That hurt me greatly, Elliot. It made me feel worthless. But it’s you, I feel most sorry for.” He knits his brows together as he listens to me. “You’re the one that lost out here. You gave up what you thought was love. For money—money, Elliot. I can’t understand that.”

  “I’m so sorry, Katrina,” he barely whispers. His hand twitches toward mine, but he seems to realise what he’s doing and curls his fingers underneath instead. “I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am. You don’t know how many times I started to call you, how many times I wrote an email, a text… I know things have changed for you, but my feelings are still the same. I fucked up. I fucked up big time. And I can’t change that now, I wish I could, but, I can’t.” His handsome face etches with pain as he speaks to me.

  Our table gets called to go up to the buffet, and the others around us stand to make their way over, leaving Elliot and me on our own for a moment. I watch Beth and Bianca hesitate as they stand, desperately wanting to stay to try to find out what Elliot and I are talking about. I stand as well, turning to Elliot, who is still sitting.

  “I’m really sorry too,” I say. “Just be thankful this all happened early on while we were only getting started. At least we weren’t too invested in each other yet. Things would have been a lot harder the longer we were together.” I touch him lightly on the shoulder and make my way to the buffet, but he catches my hand and holds me there.

  “I’m still invested in you,” he says, looking at me sincerely.

  I pull my hand from his. “I’m sorry, Elliot. I’m not. You need to let this go.” Walking away from him, I ignore the watchful eyes of others, chancing a glance back toward him when I reach the buffet.

  He is sitting sideways in his chair slouched over with his elbows on his knees, and his hands clasped together as he stares at the floor. He takes a deep breath and sits up, running his hands over his face and through his hair.

  I decide to resign from this job, now fully understanding the reason for the 'no-dating' policy. It’s hard to be around a person you once loved, and even harder to work with them every day.

  As I watch him walk over to the buffet, he gives me a small smile and shrugs his shoulders in capitulation. It’s then that I make my next dec
ision: to forgive him. He’s clearly torturing himself over what happened. Whether I continue to be angry with him or not is of no consequence anymore. It’s time I look on our relationship for what it was—a beautiful struggle; one that we ultimately lost, but it was wonderful while it lasted. I can’t hate him for that.

  I get through the necessary parts of the Christmas party, trying to talk pleasantly to everyone at my table, even attempting some nice conversation with Beth and Bianca. I don't receive much of a response but, at least I try to make the best of things.

  When everyone starts dancing, I slip outside to call David and tell him what happened.

  “Are you OK?” he asks when I finish, concern edging his voice.

  “I’m fine. I actually feel a lot better about everything now. I guess I needed some closure, you know?”

  “I’m glad you got the chance to talk to him, Trina,” he says sincerely.

  “Thank you, David, I’m glad too.”

  “Although, I do feel sorry for the guy.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because you’re a hard woman to get over, Trina. I tried. And I failed miserably.”

  A light chuckle escapes my throat. “You’re sweet.”

  “You’re beautiful,” he murmurs down the line, setting the butterflies in my stomach aflutter.

  “I’d better get back in there. I’ll see you tonight?”

  “You will. I’ll call you when I’m finished. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.” I smile as I hang up the phone and head back inside to re-join the party, feeling much lighter now that I’ve spoken to my most beautiful struggle of all—my best friend, my love, my heart. Thank god we won that one.

  Epilogue

  Two years later…

  After leaving Turner Barlow & Smith, I went to work at a much smaller law firm as an office all-rounder. I love it there, getting to do some paralegal work and have a lot more hands-on experience.