Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one

by Anderson, Lilliana

  For a while, we managed to stay together, hanging out on our own since we didn’t really know that many people in our classes. But slowly, the status quo got to us and we started making other friends and bending so we fit in.

  Katrina was encouraged to sit with a group of girls at lunchtime. I liked to call them the ‘celebs’ because everyone seemed to know their names. They flattered her, made her feel important, and since high school is difficult enough without being an outcast, I didn’t try to stand in her way. I spent most of my time out on the oval kicking a ball around with the guys, anyway. So it was no big deal. Trina and I still saw each other—we weren’t growing apart in the slightest—we were just becoming what we always were: a girl and a guy with separate interests.

  But as soon as the day finished, it was our time. We shed our social norms and slotted right back into being us. Trina and David. Best buddies till we die. Once we were off the bus, I would either go to her house, or she would come to mine. We’d do homework, we’d watch TV, or we’d just talk. We never got tired of being together and were happy in the ease of each other’s company. We survived entering the big world of high school and it seemed like nothing could change us.

  And we were right in a way. We didn’t change. I did. When my mum and dad started fighting all the time, I became angry and withdrawn.

  My dad seemed to hate the sight of me for some reason. I don’t know if he resented having to take care of mum and me, or whether he just hated everyone in general. He’d always been a big drinker. But by the time I was fourteen, it had gotten out of hand. He was gambling too. Both parents tried to act normal when I was around, but they would fight like crazy at night. Each time they fought, I woke up, and each time, I’d lie awake, listening to the argument.

  One night I was woken by the sound of a slamming door, followed shortly by the car starting before a crashing then a thud came from the kitchen. I raced out of my room, thinking something had happened to Mum. Instead, I found my father lying on the floor, a bottle of scotch glugging itself empty beside him. In his hand, he clutched the base of a broken glass while he snored loudly.

  “Shit,” I said to myself, leaning over him to pick up the bottle and remove the glass from his hand. I placed them both on the bench and stood over him, wondering what I was going to do. I wasn’t strong enough to pick him up and move him, and I couldn’t just leave him lying there.

  Before I even considered trying to rouse him, I threw down a bunch of paper towel to soak up as much scotch as I could and cleaned up the broken glass.

  “Dad,” I whispered when I was finished, shaking him gently.

  Realising he wasn’t going to wake easily, I rolled my eyes and yelled instead. “Dad! Wake up!” I shook him more firmly.

  “What? What are you doing, boy?!” he growled, sliding his knee up and nearly clocking me in the face with it. I quickly jerked my head back to avoid it. But in doing so, I managed to earn the wrath of my father. “What are you flinching for? You think I’m gonna hurt you? You think you’re better than me?” His face scrunched up in a scowl as he glared right at me, the stench of alcohol coming off him in waves. “Don’t deny it. I can see the way you’re lookin’ at me. Let me tell you somethin’, boy. You are me, so get a good look. This’ll be you in a few years. You’ll fuck up everything you touch. Just like I do.”

  My stomach bottomed out hearing those words. My mother always said alcohol brought out the truth in people and it hurt to hear the resentment bleeding from his tongue. Still, when he tried to stand, grunting and puffing before he stumbled back to the floor, I reached forward, offering my hand. “Dad, let me help.”

  Snatching his arm away from me, he pushed me backwards, causing me to fall on my arse and adding insult to injury. “Fuck off,” he spat. “I don’t need the help of a good-for-nothing kid like you. Get the fuck back to your room.”

  A good-for-nothing kid like me.

  My hand burned from the rejection while my heart ached and a seed of hatred took root in my chest. I looked down on him, the man who was half of my makeup, the man I was supposed to look up to, and all I could see was a mean drunk who cared for no one but himself.

  “Fuck off,” he grunted, eyes wild, throat gurgling.

  I shuffled back, out of his reach, my eyes burning as I scrambled to my feet and rushed for my room while he continued to yell obscenities in my wake. I didn’t want to, but I cried that night. Sat on the floor beside my bed, listening to him shout and yell and mutter, my head in my hands as my tears fell while his words sliced my heart. Sticks and stones.

  Over the next month, I did my best to avoid my dad whenever possible. If I got home and saw my dad’s car in the driveway, I’d go back to Trina’s house and tell them Mum was working late. If I did that, they’d let me stay for dinner. And I got to feel wanted for a couple of hours.

  Trina was my rock during this time. She listened to me go on and on about how pissed I was with my father, never once rolled her eyes because I was repeating myself. And she never tried to tell me what to do. She was just there for me, being exactly the person I needed, when I needed her. Because that’s what best friends do. They stay. They listen.

  On the nights Dad wasn’t home, I took the opportunity to spend a little time with my mother. We got along really well, and she did her best to make the most of what we had at the time. We were constantly broke because my father was burning through the family funds faster than the money could be made, but we made do. Chicken noodles weren’t the most nutritious, but they kept the hunger at bay.

  Since neither of us wanted to talk about what was really happening, most of our time together was spent reading. We were sharing George R.R Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice series. She read the first book years ago, but had never read the others. So, while I read the first, she read the second and so on. I looked forward to these nights with my mum. I could almost pretend like we were one of those happy families they depict on TV shows, and I’d go to bed with the hope that Dad wouldn’t bother coming home and I’d actually get to sleep through the night….

  “I’m so sick of your fucking bullshit!”

  It was the first sentence I heard after being pulled from my sleep by my parents’ fighting. It was my mother. She was yelling at my father for spending all our money. Again.

  “You have a wife and a fourteen-year-old son. But all you give a shit about is fucking gambling and drinking. I’ve had it with you!”

  My ears reverberated from the shrill pitch of her voice. I could hear my dad say something in return, but it only came through the wall as a muffled yell.

  Sighing, I decided I’d had it too. I couldn’t stand another night listening to them argue. I got up and pulled on a pair of tracksuit pants and my runners. Then I climbed out the window and headed to Katrina’s place, jumped her side fence and tapped on her window.

  “Trina,” I whispered as loud as I could without talking. “Trina.”

  After a few moments, her blind went up and a bleary-eyed Trina was looking confused on the other side of the glass. It was probably the first time I really saw her—as a girl, I mean. She was wearing a sports crop top and a pair of satin Mickey Mouse boxer shorts, and with me still going through puberty at the time, I felt a bit of a stirring down below.

  Immediately, I dropped my gaze, pushing any thoughts that were at odds with our friendship as deep down as I could.

  She pushed the window open. “David?”

  “Jesus Trina. Put some clothes on.”

  “What?” she said, looking down at herself. “This is what I sleep in.”

  I keep my eyes averted, not trusting myself not to stare at her chest. “Just put on a shirt or something.”

  “Fine,” she grumbled, grabbing a shirt from the back of her desk chair. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

  “Can I crash here? Mum and dad are screaming at each other again.”

  “Sure,” she said immediately, popping out the fly screen so I could climb through. “You’
ll have to bunk in with me though. If I go wandering about the house to get you blankets and a pillow, someone might hear and go off their nut.”

  Pulling myself through the window, I picked up the screen and repositioned it. “You don’t think it’ll be a bit weird having me sleep in your bed with you?”

  “How is it going to be weird?” she asked me, hands on hips. “You’re like my brother.”

  For reasons I didn’t understand at the time, a heavy feeling landed with a thud in the pit of my stomach. “Your brother?”

  “Well, yeah. We practically grew up together.”

  I glanced between the bed and her then rubbed my hand across the back of my neck. “I guess.”

  “Get in,” she said with a sweeping gesture. “You get to sleep against the wall.”

  “Fine,” I conceded, taking off my shoes. “You know we could sleep either end. Head to toe type thing.”

  “I can guarantee I will kick you back out that window if you put your stinky foot anywhere near my face.”

  “My feet don’t stink.”

  “All feet stink, David. What’s your problem?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve just never slept next to someone before.” I shrugged, feeling my cheeks heat up.

  “Well, there’s a first for everything. Now, quit your belly aching and get in.”

  “All right, all right,” I conceded, climbing into her single bed and sliding until I was up against the wall. “This was a terrible idea. There’s barely enough room for one.”

  “I don’t know. I think it’s kinda nice,” she said, smiling as she slotted in beside me and propped herself up on her elbow. “We’ve never had a sleep over before.”

  “Not from a lack of asking.” I laughed, trying to ignore the warmth that was going through my body at being so close to her in the dark. I could feel the heat of her thigh pressed against mine, even though I was wearing track pants. I didn’t know what to do with my hands so I clasped them across my chest. This really was a terrible idea.

  She giggled. “They never really went for the boy-girl sleepover, did they?”

  When I didn’t respond, she nudged me gently.

  “So, how bad is it this time?”

  “Same as always. I didn’t really hang around long to listen.”

  “Do you think they’ll check your room for you?”

  I shook my head. “I doubt it. They’re pretty focused on screaming right now.”

  Pressing her lips together, she flicked her hair over her shoulder, causing my saliva to thicken as that long-gone urge to pull on her pig tails made its way to the surface again. Shit.

  “Cassie told me she likes you,” she said after a while.

  “Is she the tiny one with the curly hair?”

  “Yeah… she asked me to… I don’t know. This is stupid,” she huffed out, rolling onto her back.

  I got up on my elbow, so I could see her face properly. “What? What’s stupid?”

  Sighing she said, “She asked me to find out if you like her too.” She brought her forearm up to cover her eyes and groaned. “God, I feel like I’m in primary school doing this.” I didn’t like that she was doing it either. Relationships out there weren’t supposed to touch our friendship in here.

  “Then why are you?”

  She bounces a shoulder. “I don’t know. She keeps asking me to.”

  “Well, my answer is: I don’t know. I hardly know her.”

  “God, I can’t tell her that.”

  “Why not? It’s the truth.”

  “Because, she’ll get all upset.” She got back up on her elbow and faced me.

  “Then she shouldn’t keep asking.”

  Trina pressed her lips together as she thought for a moment. “Everyone seems to be so interested in pairing up lately.”

  “Are you?”

  “I don’t know. What about you?”

  “Not really.”

  “Why? Don’t you want to kiss a girl to see what it’s like?”

  “Who’s to say I haven’t.”

  “Me. I know you, David. You’ve never kissed a girl before.”

  “So? You’ve never kissed a boy.”

  “That’s not because I don’t want to. They’re just not interested in me.”

  “Listen, I’m going to let you in on a secret. The guys are more interested in sports and farting than girls. I mean, they talk about them and stuff, but I don’t think we’re as into this boyfriend-girlfriend stuff as you girls are… Well, at least I know I’m not anyway.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t think I’ll ever want a relationship to be honest with you. Look at the mess my mum and dad are in. Why would I want that?”

  “No one expects you to get married, David.”

  “I know that. I just don’t want the drama, and I don’t want to hang out with them instead of you. But, if you really want a boyfriend, then fine, I can tell you who thinks you’re hot. But once we hook up with other people, then that’s our friendship time over. We only get to hang out after school as it is, and if we start pretending to be all serious about relationships and stuff, then we’ll lose that time too. I don’t want that. I don’t want to stop hanging out with you just so I can start messing around with some girl who’s gonna take up all my time.” I shrugged and looked over at her.

  Letting a short laugh come out her nose, she said, “I never thought about it like that. Maybe we can just hook up with people at parties for fun like some of the others do, avoid the whole relationship issue.”

  I closed my eyes, feeling sick at the image of seeing her hanging off some guy. “Trina, you’re too good for that kind of thing.”

  “Am I?” She let out her breath and turned onto her back, staring at the ceiling for a moment before looking back at me. “I’m glad, you know?”

  “What about?”

  “You not wanting to date Cassie. I was worried you’d go out with her and wouldn’t have time for me anymore.”

  With a deep sigh that I felt throughout my body, I slid my arm underneath her and pulled her close. “Never Trina. I’ll always have time for you.”

  * * *

  I hadn’t had a decent night sleep for ages, so it took a bit for Trina to rouse me. She was shaking my shoulder and whispering urgently while looking between me and her bedroom door.

  “Wha?” I sat up, bleary-eyed.

  “You have to go,” she whispered, holding a finger to her lips as the doorknob began to jiggle from side to side, followed by a thumping knock and her mum’s voice.

  “Katrina! Why is your door locked? You know I hate it when you do that. What if there was a fire? We couldn’t get you out.”

  Trina’s eyes widened. “Get out of here!”

  “Now? She’ll hear me,” I whispered back.

  Pressing her lips together, she rolled her eyes then turned her face towards the door. “Mum. Let me sleep,” she muttered in a sleep-drunk voice.

  I almost laughed at her acting skills and she clapped her hand over my mouth. Shut up, she mouthed, biting her lip to control her own laughter.

  “You have school, young lady. Get your butt out of bed now.”

  “Fine, just give me a minute to get dressed. I’m allowed privacy for that, you know.”

  We could hear her mum’s feet shift away from the door. “Just be out for breakfast in ten minutes, or…or I’ll take the sim card from your phone.”

  “Harsh,” I whispered, half smiling over the exchange as I pulled her hand away from my mouth. Katrina’s mum was pretty strict, but she meant well. I actually thought she was pretty cool.

  Reaching over to her bedside table, Katrina turned on some music so HIM’s version of ‘Wicked Game’ filled her room.

  Taking the noise as my cue, I slid my feet into my shoes and headed for the window. Once again removing the screen, so I could climb through.

  Standing on the ground outside, I leaned in. “Thanks for last night, Trina. You could have gotten into a lot of trouble.”


  “Just go, or I will be in a lot of trouble… and you’re welcome,” she smiled, leaning on her windowsill so we were eye level.

  Something about the way she leaned toward me caused my stomach to skitter. And I don’t know why I did it, but I grabbed her face and pressed my lips against hers, holding her there as I slowly inhaled and my mind spun. It was a first for both of us—a soft kiss, involving only our lips, but still, it took my breath a moment to return to me.

  When I pulled back, Katrina’s cheeks were bright pink and her eyes were wide with surprise. “What did you do that for?” she asked in a shocked whisper.

  “Now you don’t have to wonder what it’s like,” I told her with a wink, trying to act as though it was just a bit of fun.

  All of a sudden, her expression changed before she hit me in the shoulder. “You just stole my first kiss, you dick.” She laughed, only half meaning what she was saying. “Go home before I think you meant it.” Rolling her eyes at me, she lifted the screen back into the frame.

  “Hey, at least you’ll always remember me now,” I told her, curling one side of my mouth into a grin.

  She simply shook her head at me, smiling the whole time I helped her fix the fly screen back in place. I was glad she could see the kiss as something fun between us, because I didn’t want anything to change. I needed things between us to stay just as they were. She was the only stability I had.

  “See you at school,” she said as I took off for home.

  Once there, I climbed back through my window and listened to the house. The TV was on in the living room, but I couldn’t hear any voices so I figured I got away with my impromptu sleepover and walked out of my room as if I’d been there all along.