Struggle: Beautiful Series, book one

by Anderson, Lilliana

  “Trina.”

  “Please, David. This won’t change anything. I just want it to be you.” Her hands moved to my belt. “I trust you. You’re the only one I trust to do it.”

  It? I clapped my hands over hers to stop her. “Trina, stop. What are you asking?” I was pretty sure I knew, but I had to be positive.

  Her blue eyes met mine, concerned and hopeful. “I want you to be my first, David. You were my first kiss. I trust you more than I trust anyone, and since I know you would never tell—”

  “No.” I recoiled away from her. Not because I didn’t want her—the throbbing in my dick said otherwise—but because my sense had returned enough to realise what a colossal error that would be. Eight years of friendship for one night of sex? And not even great sex because first times hurt girls. No. I couldn’t do that to us. I couldn’t be the guy to hurt her. No. We needed to stop.

  The distance I created between us felt like a cavernous void when I watched her eyes shift from hopeful to hurt to sorrowful.

  “I’m sorry, Trina,” I started, reaching for her, needing to comfort her because I felt like a colossal arse. What is wrong with me?

  She swiped her hands in the air, pushing me away as she jumped to her feet. “I want to go home,” she said, her voice cold, gaze averted as she sniffled.

  “Trina, I’m—”

  “Don’t.” She held up her hand. “I’m embarrassed enough.”

  “Don’t be. I’m the one who should be sorry. I did this to us. I should never have kissed you like that. I crossed the line and I’m so sorry. I really am.”

  Her eyes flashed as she turned my way. “Crossed the line? Crossed the fucking line? What line? The line where our friendship ends and this weird emotional connection begins? Or the line where every girl out there is worthy of that dick they’re always whispering about except me?”

  My mouth opened and closed but I had no fucking clue what to say to that. In a way, she was right; we did have a messed up connection. One I knew that I was responsible for muddying because I didn’t want her and I wanted her all at the same time. But she was wrong about not being worthy—I was ignoring the part about my dick because she was drunk and angry, and my dick wasn’t the real issue here—because she was more worthy than anyone I knew. I was the one who wasn’t worthy of her. She deserved more than I could give her.

  “I think we should walk to the shops and call your dad from there, sober you up a little.”

  She released her breath, a tear falling as she looked at me in disbelief. Then she turned away, walking around the outside of the party to avoid seeing anyone on our way to the road. Each step brought on quiet sniffles as she cried, and I wanted to punch myself in the dick. I had just ruined the most perfect night in history by kissing my best friend. Fuck.

  “I know we shouldn’t leave the party, Dad,” Trina said into her phone when we made it to the illuminated bus stop outside the row of shops. She kept her back to me, but I could still see her wiping at her tears intermittently. “It was getting out of hand… No, no one’s fighting… yes… Dad, don’t do that, just come and pick us up, please…Thank you.” She sounded relieved as she pressed the screen to end the call.

  “Everything OK?”

  She looked at me and shrugged. “He wanted to know if he should call the police to break the party up.”

  “He’s not really going to is he?”

  “No, he’s not happy about it. But he won’t make the call.”

  A tiny beat of heavy silence passed as we both stared at the road. I couldn’t take it.

  “Listen, about before—”

  Closing her eyes, she knitted her brow. “Please, David, I’m begging you. Forget I even asked. Blame it on the alcohol. Blame it on the dancing. I don’t care. Just don’t talk about it again.” She swiped at a fat tear as it slid from her eye. “Please.”

  Taking a deep breath, I nodded once. We remained silent until we got home. God, what have I done to us?

  * * *

  “How was the formal?” Mum asked eagerly when I came through the door. “I didn’t expect you home this early.”

  Not wanting her to see how upset I was, I went straight to my room to change. “It was fine, Ma. I’m just tired.”

  “Hey. Come and talk to me.” She followed me to the hall. “Did something happen?”

  “Everything is fine. I just want to go to bed.”

  “David.” She caught me just as I entered my room, blocking me from shutting the door. Folding her arms across her chest, she looked me dead in the eye and said, “Spill.”

  Dropping onto the edge of my bed with a sigh, I pulled the pale blue tie from my neck and ran it between my fingers. “I messed up with Trina,” I started, once again, spilling my guts. My mum has never once judged me for my choices and frankly, she gave great advice.

  “So, you kissed Katrina” she said, giving her shoulders a bounce like it was no big deal. “Anyone could see that was going to happen.”

  “Yeah, but she wanted more, and I knocked her back. And now I think she hates me.”

  “I don’t think Trina could ever hate you. But I think you do need to decide whether you want a relationship with her or a friendship. Toeing the line is just confusing things and hurting both of you.” Entering my room, she sat beside me on the bed, and placed a soothing hand on my back.

  “I don’t even know how to be in a relationship. I’ve never wanted one because they all turn to shit.”

  “Well, it’s a lot like being friends, but there’s a lot more kissing involved. And they don’t have to turn to shit,” she said, repeating my words even though she hated me using foul language. “Some couples are just meant to be, and it doesn’t matter how old you are when you get together. It lasts.”

  “What if it doesn’t? What if we do this and end up hating each other? I’ll have lost my girlfriend and my best friend.”

  “That’s a very defeatist way of looking at things.”

  I shook my head. “Honestly mum, I’m scared.”

  “Of?”

  “Of being a failure. Of turning out like Dad with the gambling and the drinking, and…” I scrunched up my face and raked a hand through my hair. “I don’t want that future for me and Trina.”

  “Oh David. You are nothing like your father. You look like him, and that’s where the resemblance stops. Is that why you’ve never had a girlfriend? Because of him?”

  I bounced my shoulders, shaking my head slightly. “I don’t know. Maybe.” The memory of that night I found him drunk on the floor revisited me. He told me I was good for nothing, that I was worthless, and I couldn’t help thinking that if a man like him thought I was worthless, then what good could I possibly be to anyone? I needed to be more, to make something of myself before I could even think about being deserving of another person. As I was, I was nothing, I had nothing. I wasn’t worthy. “I’m just not ready, Mum.”

  “OK,” she said, touching me lightly on the head. “Then you explain that to Trina and you wait. If it’s meant to be between you two, the opportunity will present itself when the time is right. For both of you.”

  “I’m really scared she’s gonna hate me.” I sighed.

  “Be honest with her, David. She won’t hate you. She loves you.”

  * * *

  It took me a really long time to fall asleep because I wanted to go to Trina and explain myself. I wanted to apologise and beg her not to let that night ruin our friendship. My thoughts must have called her to me because I heard a tap on my window and found her standing outside, still wearing her formal dress.

  “What are you doing? You must be freezing,” I whispered harshly, opening my screen and helping her to climb in.

  “I needed to see you,” she replied breathlessly.

  “Well, I’m glad you came.” Closing the window, I turned to her and rubbed my hands up and down her arms to generate some warmth. “We need to talk.”

  “I didn’t come here to talk, David.”

 
; “What do you—” Before I knew it, her lips were on mine, arms going around my neck, tongue pushing past my lips.

  I could have stopped it, but fuck, I didn’t want to. I’d knocked her back once tonight, and if I did it again, it would surely be the end of us. And besides, I wanted this just as much as she did. I was just too chickenshit to go after it. Trina was far braver with her heart than I was.

  Responding in kind, I kissed her back, holding her hips as we fell onto my bed all tangled up in each other.

  “I want it to be you,” she whispered in my ear as she positioned herself on top of me and reached between my legs with her hand.

  “Are you sure?” I whispered as I kissed her jaw and reached up, kneading her breasts with my hands, getting completely lost in what was happening.

  She brought her mouth to mine and slid her tongue slowly over my own, drinking me in, devouring me as she used her hand to slide the tip of my cock around her opening.

  “Be careful,” I warned, knowing the other girls I’d been with had a bit of trouble adjusting to my size. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “We’ll be a perfect fit,” she assured me, lowering herself down. I closed my eyes and moaned as she took me inside her body. It really was as if she was my perfect fit.

  Sitting back, she rolled her hips, taking me in deeper as she rode my shaft. Opening my eyes, I gazed up at her, rocking above me, a look of pure ecstasy on her face as I watched her slide herself up and down my length. She’s beautiful.

  My hands roamed all over her body, loving the touch of her bare skin under my fingertips. I grabbed her hips and sat up underneath her so we were face to face. I needed to be closer to her.

  Grinning at me, she continued to rock her hips. I brushed my lips against hers, kissing her gently at first as we slowed things down. I deepened the kiss, exploring her mouth with my tongue, I brought my hand up to cup her breast, tweaking her nipple between my fingers.

  She gasped into my mouth and started to whimper, close to orgasm. Feeling overcome, but not wanting to blow yet, I held myself back as best I could, trying to wait until I was sure she was ready.

  “Oh God, you feel so good,” I whispered between kisses. “I can’t believe this is actually happening.”

  She rested her hands either side of my face and pulled back, looking at me intently before she spoke. “It’s not.”

  Snapping my eyes open, the room was filled with daylight, and I was on the verge of bursting. “Fuck.” I reached down and frantically grabbed my cock, squeezing to stop myself from blowing my load all over my sheets. Snatching up the towel I’d left lying on the floor from my shower the night before, I released my grip, letting go with a shudder. The images from the dream still clear in my mind as I blew. Hard.

  Raking my fingers through my hair, I let out a charged breath. “What the fuck was that?” I dropped back on the bed. I should have known it was a dream the moment our clothes went missing without either of us actually removing them. “Fuck.”

  Once I’d calmed down, I got up and took a shower then skipped breakfast so I could go straight to Trina’s place. I needed to sort this out. I was beyond confused.

  “Hey, Tom,” I said as Katrina’s brother answered the door. “Is Trina in?”

  “Yeah man, she’s in her room,” he said, stepping away from the door and heading back toward the kitchen.

  “Is she awake?” I asked as I followed.

  He answered with a simple shrug as he took a seat at the breakfast bar to continue eating his cereal.

  “Where’s your mum and dad?”

  “Mum’s hanging washing and Dad’s gone to Bunnings. The lawn mower shat itself so he’s gone to get a new one.”

  Katrina’s bedroom was just off the kitchen, so I turned where I was standing and knocked gently before trying to open it, glad she hadn’t locked it when the knob turned in my hands.

  She was sitting up in bed reading and put her book aside when she saw me come in.

  “Hey,” I said, offering a small smile as I shut the door behind me.

  “Hey yourself,” she replied moving her legs so I could sit down.

  I looked around the room briefly, taking in the dress she wore last night—the dress she wore in my dream—as it hung over the back of her chair with her shoes lying on the ground beside it.

  Clearing my throat, I pushed the dream out of my mind. “Listen, Trina, about last night…” I started.

  “Oh god, please don’t go there,” she groaned, raking her hand through her now shoulder-length hair.

  “We need to talk about it.”

  She brought her knees up to her chest. “It’s fine David. Let’s just forget about it OK. I feel stupid for what I said, what I did—let’s just put it down to me being a little drunk and on the rebound, OK?”

  “No Trina, I need to explain.” I told her, taking a deep breath before launching into my practised speech, the one where I’d draw a solid line in the sand that wasn’t to be crossed. My dream had been great, but the regret I felt even though it wasn’t real told me what I needed to say today. “Out of everyone in this world, you are the most important person to me. You’ve been my best friend through every moment of the past eight years: great or shitty. And I love you”—she took a sharp breath—“but I love you as a friend.” When her gaze fluttered down, my chest stuttered and ached. I hated that I was hurting her, but this was what needed to be done. “I don’t think I can be anything more than that to you, and I don’t know if I ever could. To be honest, I don’t know if I ever want to be anyone’s boyfriend, and as much as I liked kissing you last night, it can’t happen again. If we were together, I really think I’d just mess it up. It’s better to be friends for a lifetime than lovers for a moment. And, I don’t think I’m built for relationships—my dad wasn’t and perhaps I’m not either.” The disappointment set into her face and turned her eyes glassy. “I’m not explaining myself very well, am I? I guess, I’m just sorry, because I messed up—I’m messed up—please don’t let this ruin us as friends. I need you in my life. You have been the only constant for me in the fucked up mess of my life, and I’m begging you to stay.”

  Letting out her breath, she placed her hand over mine. “It’s OK, David, you’re making perfect sense. We’re friends, end of story. You really didn’t need to give me the whole ‘love you like a friend’ speech. I get it, I asked too much of you, and it’s fine,” she told me with a slight edge to her voice that made me feel as though I’d fucked things up between us, anyway.

  “Are you sure you’re OK? You don’t look fine?”

  She laughed and took her hand back. I missed it immediately. “Good work, David, you friend-zone me then you tell me I look crap. That’s really awesome.”

  “No, you’re beautiful. You're always beautiful. That’s not what I meant.”

  Shaking her head, she said, “It’s fine. I’m just embarrassed. But I’ll get over it. It’s not every day you offer your best friend your virginity and get knocked back, so I might need a moment. Let’s just drop this whole thing, OK? I promised you it wouldn’t change things, and I meant that. We’re OK.”

  “All right, well… I should probably head home then. Maybe I’ll see you later?” I said, rising from the bed and leaning forward to kiss her on the top of her head. “You sure we’re good?”

  “Positive David. Now go home,” she sighed.

  I pressed my lips into a wan smile and left, closing her door behind me and saying goodbye to Tom as I headed for the front door. There was a knock just before I reached it, so I called out, “Do you want me to get that?”

  “Yeah, it should be Ethan, let him in,” Tom called.

  Opening the door, I shook Ethan’s hand. “Hey man, I didn’t know you were friends with Tom?”

  “Yeah, we work together at the cinema.”

  “Hey, we’re playing Xbox if you wanna stick around,” Tom said, coming up behind me.

  “Nah, I’ve got stuff to do. But thanks. I’ll see you ar
ound.”

  As I walked back home, I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was glad I told Katrina how I felt, but I was worried it was going to affect our friendship regardless. Loving your best friend was hard.

  Seven

  After the night of the formal, things were a little strained between Trina and me. It’s not that we weren’t talking, because we were. There was just a slight discomfort between us, one that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard I tried to be friendly, or how much time we spent together. When I questioned her, she claimed she was tired and sick of school, which I guess was understandable. But it felt too coincidental.

  There were only a couple of weeks left before the Christmas holidays kicked in, which meant at least six weeks away from school life as well as all the bullshit Cassie had continued to cause for us.

  Along with the rest of our grade, she’d seen how close Trina and I were at the formal. And because no one could mind their damn business, more rumours spread and I became public enemy number one. There wasn’t a day that went by when someone didn’t call me a horrible name for ‘forcing Cassie to have an abortion’. It didn’t matter how many times I told them I never got her pregnant in the first place. They were more willing to run with the scandal than they were to hear the truth. I was done with them.

  Trina also copped a bit of backlash for supposedly dumping Cassie as a friend because she wanted me all to herself. So stupid. There were a few different versions to the story, but all had some element of Katrina being insanely jealous of my non-existent relationship with Cassie and doing everything she could to make sure we couldn’t be together.

  It was so incredibly lame.

  Besides the handful of people I sat with at lunch, I didn’t bother talking to anyone anymore. I had effectively gone from the guy who called the shots, to the guy who everyone kicked mud on. It sucked, that’s for sure. But at least I knew who my friends were.