The Courage to Be Disliked

by Ichiro Kishimi

  PHILOSOPHER: Let’s look at interpersonal relationships from a slightly different perspective. Are you familiar with the term “feeling of inferiority”?

  YOUTH: What a silly question. As you can surely tell from our discussion up to now, I’m just a huge blob of feelings of inferiority.

  PHILOSOPHER: What are those feelings, specifically?

  YOUTH: Well, for instance, if I see something in a newspaper about a person around my age, someone who’s really successful, I’m always overcome with these feelings of inferiority. If someone else who’s lived the same amount of time I have is so successful, then what on earth am I doing with myself? Or when I see a friend who seems happy, before I even feel like celebrating with him, I’m filled with envy and frustration. Of course, this pimple-covered face doesn’t help matters, and I’ve got strong feelings of inferiority when it comes to my education and occupation. And then there’s my income and social standing. I guess I’m just completely riddled with feelings of inferiority.

  PHILOSOPHER: I see. Incidentally, Adler is thought to be the first to use the term “feeling of inferiority” in the kind of context in which it is spoken of today.

  YOUTH: Huh, I didn’t know that.

  PHILOSOPHER: In Adler’s native German, the word is Minderwertigkeitsgefühl, which means a feeling (Gefühl) of having less (minder) worth (Wert). So “feeling of inferiority” has to do with one’s value judgment of oneself.

  YOUTH: Value judgment?

  PHILOSOPHER: It’s the feeling that one has no worth, or that one is worth only so much.

  YOUTH: Ah, that’s a feeling I know well. That’s me in a nutshell. Not a day goes by without me tormenting myself that there’s no point in being alive.

  PHILOSOPHER: Well, then, let’s have a look at my own feelings of inferiority. When you first met me, what was your impression? In terms of physical characteristics.

  YOUTH: Um, well . . .

  PHILOSOPHER: There’s no need to hold back. Be direct.

  YOUTH: All right, I guess you were smaller than I’d imagined.

  PHILOSOPHER: Thank you. I am 61 inches tall. Adler was apparently around the same height. There was a time—until I was right around your age, actually—when I was concerned about my height. I was sure that things would be different if I were of average height, eight or even just four inches taller. As if a more enjoyable life were waiting for me. I talked to a friend about it when I was having these feelings, and he said it was “a bunch of nonsense” and simply dismissed it.

  YOUTH: That’s horrible! Some friend.

  PHILOSOPHER: And then he said, “What would you do if you got taller? You know, you’ve got a gift for getting people to relax.” With a man who’s big and strong, it’s true, it does seem he can end up intimidating people just because of his size. With someone small like me, on the other hand, people let go of their wariness. So it made me realize that having a small build was a desirable thing both to me and to those around me. In other words, there was a transformation of values. I’m not worried about my height anymore.

  YOUTH: Okay, but that’s—

  PHILOSOPHER: Wait until I am finished. The important thing here is that my height of 61 inches wasn’t inferior.

  YOUTH: It wasn’t inferior?

  PHILOSOPHER: It was not, in fact, lacking in or lesser than something. Sure, my 61 inches is less than the average height, and an objectively measured number. At first glance, one might think it inferior. But the issue is really what sort of meaning I attribute to that height, what sort of value I give it.

  YOUTH: What does that mean?

  PHILOSOPHER: My feelings about my height were all subjective feelings of inferiority, which arose entirely through my comparing myself to others. That is to say, in my interpersonal relationships. Because if there hadn’t been anyone with whom to compare myself, I wouldn’t have had any occasion to think I was short. Right now, you too are suffering from various feelings of inferiority. But please understand that what you are feeling is not an objective inferiority but a subjective feeling of inferiority. Even with an issue like height, it’s all reduced to its subjectivity.

  YOUTH: In other words, the feelings of inferiority we’re suffering from are subjective interpretations rather than objective facts?

  PHILOSOPHER: Exactly. Seeing it from my friend’s point of view that I get people to relax or that I don’t intimidate them—such aspects can become strong points. Of course, this is a subjective interpretation. You could even say it’s an arbitrary assumption. However, there is one good thing about subjectivity: It allows you to make your own choice. Precisely because I am leaving it to subjectivity, the choice to view my height as either an advantage or disadvantage is left open to me.

  YOUTH: The argument that you can choose a new lifestyle?

  PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as one likes. And we are inhabitants of a subjective world. We talked about this at the very beginning, right?

  YOUTH: Yes; the well water that’s sixty degrees.

  PHILOSOPHER: Now, remember the German word for a feeling of inferiority, Minderwertigkeitsgefühl. As I mentioned a moment ago, “feeling of inferiority” is a term that has to do with one’s value judgment of oneself. So what on earth could this value be? Okay, take diamonds, for instance, which are traded at a high value. Or currency. We find particular values for these things and say that one carat is this much, that prices are such and such. But if you change your point of view, a diamond is nothing but a little stone.

  YOUTH: Well, intellectually it is.

  PHILOSOPHER: In other words, value is something that’s based on a social context. The value given to a one-dollar bill is not an objectively attributed value, though that might be a commonsense approach. If one considers its actual cost as printed material, the value is nowhere near a dollar. If I were the only person in this world and no one else existed, I’d probably be putting those one-dollar bills in my fireplace in wintertime. Maybe I’d be using them to blow my nose. Following exactly the same logic, there should have been no reason at all for me to worry about my height.

  YOUTH: If you were the only person in this world and no one else existed?

  PHILOSOPHER: Yes. The problem of value in the end brings us back to interpersonal relationships again.

  YOUTH: So this connects to what you were saying about all problems being interpersonal relationship problems?

  PHILOSOPHER: Yes, that’s correct.

  An Inferiority Complex Is an Excuse

  YOUTH: But can you say for sure that feelings of inferiority are really a problem of interpersonal relationships? Even the kind of person who is regarded socially as a success, who doesn’t need to debase himself in relationships with other people, still has some feelings of inferiority? Even the businessman who amasses enormous wealth, the peerless beauty who is the envy of all, and the Olympic gold medalist—every one of them would be plagued by feelings of inferiority. Well, that’s how it seems to me. How should I think about this?

  PHILOSOPHER: Adler recognizes that feelings of inferiority are something everyone has. There’s nothing bad about feelings of inferiority themselves.

  YOUTH: So why do people have them in the first place?

  PHILOSOPHER: It’s probably necessary to understand this in a certain order. First of all, people enter this world as helpless beings. And people have the universal desire to escape from that helpless state. Adler called this the “pursuit of superiority.”

  YOUTH: Pursuit of superiority?

  PHILOSOPHER: This is something you could think of as simply “hoping to improve” or “pursuing an ideal state.” For instance, a toddler learns to steady himself on both legs. He has the universal desire to learn language and to improve. And all the advancements of science throughout human history are due to this “pursuit of superiority,” too.

  YOUTH: Okay. And then?

  PHILOSOPHER: The counterpart of this is the feeli
ng of inferiority. Everyone is in this “condition of wanting to improve” that is the pursuit of superiority. One holds up various ideals or goals and heads toward them. However, on not being able to reach one’s ideals, one harbors a sense of being lesser. For instance, there are chefs who, the more inspired and accomplished they become, are forever beset with the sort of feeling of inferiority that makes them say to themselves, I’m still not good enough, or I’ve got to bring my cooking to the next level, and that sort of thing.

  YOUTH: That’s true.

  PHILOSOPHER: Adler is saying that the pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases but stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth. If it is not used in the wrong way, the feeling of inferiority, too, can promote striving and growth.

  YOUTH: The feeling of inferiority is a kind of launch pad?

  PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. One tries to get rid of one’s feeling of inferiority and keep moving forward. One’s never satisfied with one’s present situation—even if it’s just a single step, one wants to make progress. One wants to be happier. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the state of this kind of feeling of inferiority. There are, however, people who lose the courage to take a single step forward, who cannot accept the fact that the situation can be changed by making realistic efforts. People who, before even doing anything, simply give up and say things like “I’m not good enough anyway” or “Even if I tried, I wouldn’t stand a chance.”

  YOUTH: Well, that’s true. There’s no doubt about it—if the feeling of inferiority is strong, most people will become negative and say, “I’m not good enough anyway.” Because that’s what a feeling of inferiority is.

  PHILOSOPHER: No, that’s not a feeling of inferiority—that’s an inferiority complex.

  YOUTH: A complex? That’s what the feeling of inferiority is, isn’t it?

  PHILOSOPHER: Be careful. The way the word “complex” is used today, it seems to have the same meaning as “feeling of inferiority.” You hear people saying, “I’ve got a complex about my eyelids,” or “He’s got a complex about his education,” that sort of thing. This is an utter misuse of the term. At base, “complex” refers to an abnormal mental state made up of a complicated group of emotions and ideas, and has nothing to do with the feeling of inferiority. For instance, there’s Freud’s Oedipus complex, which is used in the context of discussing the abnormal attraction of the child to the opposite-sex parent.

  YOUTH: Yes. The nuances of abnormality are especially strong when it comes to the mother complex and the father complex.

  PHILOSOPHER: For the same reason, then, it’s crucial to not mix up “feeling of inferiority” and “inferiority complex,” and to think about them as clearly separate.

  YOUTH: Concretely, how are they different?

  PHILOSOPHER: There is nothing particularly wrong with the feeling of inferiority itself. You understand this point now, right? As Adler says, the feeling of inferiority can be a trigger for striving and growth. For instance, if one had a feeling of inferiority with regard to one’s education, and resolved to oneself, I’m not well educated, so I’ll just have to try harder than anyone else, that would be a desirable direction. The inferiority complex, on the other hand, refers to a condition of having begun to use one’s feeling of inferiority as a kind of excuse. So one thinks to oneself, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed, or I’m not good-looking, so I can’t get married. When someone is insisting on the logic of “A is the situation, so B cannot be done” in such a way in everyday life, that is not something that fits in the feeling of inferiority category. It is an inferiority complex.

  YOUTH: No, it’s a legitimate causal relationship. If you’re not well educated, it takes away your chances of getting work or making it in the world. You’re regarded as low on the social scale, and you can’t succeed. That’s not an excuse at all. It’s just a cold hard fact, isn’t it?

  PHILOSOPHER: No, you are wrong.

  YOUTH: How? Where am I wrong?

  PHILOSOPHER: What you are calling a causal relationship is something that Adler explains as “apparent cause and effect.” That is to say, you convince yourself that there is some serious causal relationship where there is none whatsoever. The other day, someone told me, “The reason I can’t get married easily is that my parents got divorced when I was a child.” From the viewpoint of Freudian etiology (the attributing of causes), the parents’ divorce was a great trauma, which connects in a clear causal relationship with one’s views on marriage. Adler, however, with his stance of teleology (the attributing of purpose), rejects such arguments as “apparent cause and effect.”

  YOUTH: But even so, the reality is that having a good education makes it easier to be successful in society. I had thought you were wise to the ways of the world.

  PHILOSOPHER: The real issue is how one confronts that reality. If what you are thinking is, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed, then instead of I can’t succeed, you should think, I don’t want to succeed.

  YOUTH: I don’t want to succeed? What kind of reasoning is that?

  PHILOSOPHER: It’s simply that it’s scary to take even one step forward; also, that you don’t want to make realistic efforts. You don’t want to change so much that you’d be willing to sacrifice the pleasures you enjoy now—for instance, the time you spend playing and engaged in hobbies. In other words, you’re not equipped with the courage to change your lifestyle. It’s easier with things just as they are now, even if you have some complaints or limitations.

  Braggarts Have Feelings of Inferiority

  YOUTH: Maybe so, but . . .

  PHILOSOPHER: Further, you harbor an inferiority complex about education and think, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed. Put the other way around, the reasoning can be, If only I were well educated, I could be really successful.

  YOUTH: Hmm, true.

  PHILOSOPHER: This is the other aspect of the inferiority complex. Those who manifest their inferiority complexes in words or attitudes, who say that “A is the situation, so B cannot be done,” are implying that if only it were not for A, they’d be capable and have value.

  YOUTH: If only it weren’t for this, I could do it, too.

  PHILOSOPHER: Yes. As Adler points out, no one is capable of putting up with having feelings of inferiority for a long period of time. Feelings of inferiority are something that everyone has, but staying in that condition is too heavy to endure forever.

  YOUTH: Huh? This is getting pretty confusing.

  PHILOSOPHER: Okay, let’s go over things one at a time. The condition of having a feeling of inferiority is a condition of feeling some sort of lack in oneself in the present situation. So then, the question is—

  YOUTH: How do you fill in the part that’s missing, right?

  PHILOSOPHER: Exactly. How to compensate for the part that is lacking. The healthiest way is to try to compensate through striving and growth. For instance, it could be by applying oneself to one’s studies, engaging in constant training, or being diligent in one’s work. However, people who aren’t equipped with that courage end up stepping into an inferiority complex. Again, it’s thinking, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed. And it’s implying your capability by saying, “If only I were well educated, I could be really successful.” That “the real me,” which just happens to be obscured right now by the matter of education, is superior.

  YOUTH: No, that doesn’t make sense—the second thing you’re saying is beyond a feeling of inferiority. That’s really more bravado than anything else, isn’t it?

  PHILOSOPHER: Indeed. The inferiority complex can also develop into another special mental state.

  YOUTH: And what is that?

  PHILOSOPHER: I doubt you have heard much about it. It’s the “superiority complex.”

  YOUTH: Superiority complex?

  PHILOSOPHER: One is suffering from strong feelings of inferiority, and, on top of that, one doesn’t have the courage to compensate through healthy
modes of striving and growth. That being said, one can’t tolerate the inferiority complex of thinking, A is the situation, so B cannot be done. One can’t accept “one’s incapable self.” At that point, the person thinks of trying to compensate in some other fashion and looks for an easier way out.

  YOUTH: What way is that?

  PHILOSOPHER: It’s to act as if one is indeed superior and to indulge in a fabricated feeling of superiority.

  YOUTH: A fabricated feeling of superiority?

  PHILOSOPHER: A familiar example would be “giving authority.”

  YOUTH: What does that mean?

  PHILOSOPHER: One makes a show of being on good terms with a powerful person (broadly speaking—it could be anyone from the leader of your school class to a famous celebrity). And by doing that, one lets it be known that one is special. Behaviors like misrepresenting one’s work experience or excessive allegiance to particular brands of clothing are forms of giving authority, and probably also have aspects of the superiority complex. In each case, it isn’t that the “I” is actually superior or special. It is only that one is making the “I” look superior by linking it to authority. In short, it’s a fabricated feeling of superiority.

  YOUTH: And at the base of that, there is an intense feeling of inferiority?

  PHILOSOPHER: Of course. I don’t know much about fashion, but I think it’s advisable to think of people who wear rings with rubies and emeralds on all their fingers as having issues with feelings of inferiority, rather than issues of aesthetic sensibility. In other words, they have signs of a superiority complex.

  YOUTH: Right.

  PHILOSOPHER: But those who make themselves look bigger on borrowed power are essentially living according to other people’s value systems—they are living other people’s lives. This is a point that must be emphasized.

  YOUTH: So, a superiority complex. That’s a very interesting psychology. Can you give me a different example?

  PHILOSOPHER: There’s the kind of person who likes to boast about his achievements. Someone who clings to his past glory and is always recounting memories of the time when his light shone brightest. Maybe you know some people like this. All such people can be said to have superiority complexes.