The Courage to Be Disliked

by Ichiro Kishimi

  YOUTH: Um, well, I guess so.

  PHILOSOPHER: First, do the separation of tasks. Then, while accepting each other’s differences, build equal horizontal relationships. Encouragement is the approach that comes next.

  How to Feel You Have Value

  YOUTH: So concretely speaking, how does one go about this? One cannot praise, and one cannot rebuke. What other words and choices are there?

  PHILOSOPHER: Think about a time when you’ve had help in your work—not from a child but from a partner who is your equal—and you will probably see the answer right away. When a friend helps you clean your home, what do you say to him?

  YOUTH: I say, “Thank you.”

  PHILOSOPHER: Right. You convey words of gratitude, saying thank you to this partner who has helped you with your work. You might express straightforward delight: “I’m glad.” Or you could convey your thanks by saying, “That was a big help.” This is an approach to encouragement that is based on horizontal relationships.

  YOUTH: That’s all?

  PHILOSOPHER: Yes. The most important thing is to not judge other people. “Judgment” is a word that comes out of vertical relationships. If one is building horizontal relationships, there will be words of more straightforward gratitude and respect and joy.

  YOUTH: Hmm, your point that judgment is created by vertical relationships certainly seems to be true. But what about this? Could the words “thank you” actually have such a great power as to be able to bring back courage? After all, I think I’d prefer to be praised, even if the words I hear are ones that come from vertical relationships.

  PHILOSOPHER: Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgment from another person as “good.” And the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person’s yardstick. If receiving praise is what one is after, one will have no choice but to adapt to that person’s yardstick and put the brakes on one’s own freedom. “Thank you,” on the other hand, rather than being judgment, is a clear expression of gratitude. When one hears words of gratitude, one knows that one has made a contribution to another person.

  YOUTH: So even if you’re judged as “good” by another person, you don’t feel that you’ve made a contribution?

  PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. This is a point that will connect to our subsequent discussion as well—in Adlerian psychology, a great deal of emphasis is given to “contribution.”

  YOUTH: Why is that?

  PHILOSOPHER: Well, what does a person have to do to get courage? In Adler’s view, “It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage.”

  YOUTH: When a person is able to feel that he has worth?

  PHILOSOPHER: Do you recall when we were discussing the feeling of inferiority that I spoke of this as being an issue of subjective worth? Is one able to feel one has worth, or does one feel one is a worthless being? If one is able to feel one has worth, then one can accept oneself just as one is and have the courage to face one’s life tasks. So the issue that arises at this point is how on earth can one become able to feel one has worth?

  YOUTH: Yes, that’s it exactly! I need you to explain that very clearly, please.

  PHILOSOPHER: It’s quite simple. It is when one is able to feel “I am beneficial to the community” that one can have a true sense of one’s worth. This is the answer that would be offered in Adlerian psychology.

  YOUTH: That I am beneficial to the community?

  PHILOSOPHER: That one can act on the community, that is to say, on other people, and that one can feel “I am of use to someone.” Instead of feeling judged by another person as “good,” being able to feel, by way of one’s own subjective viewpoint, that “I can make contributions to other people.” It is at that point that, at last, we can have a true sense of our own worth. Everything we have been discussing about community feeling and encouragement connects here.

  YOUTH: Hmm. I don’t know, it’s starting to get a bit confusing.

  PHILOSOPHER: We are getting to the heart of the discussion now. Please stick with me awhile longer. It is about having concern for others, building horizontal relationships, and taking the approach of encouragement. All these things connect to the deep life awareness of “I am of use to someone,” and in turn, to your courage to live.

  YOUTH: To be of use to someone. That is what my life is worth living for . . . ?

  PHILOSOPHER: Let’s take a little break. Would you like some coffee?

  YOUTH: Yes, please.

  The discussion of community feeling had become more confusing than ever. One must not praise. And one must not rebuke, either. All words that are used to judge other people are words that come out of vertical relationships, and we need to build horizontal relationships. And it is only when one is able to feel that one is of use to someone that one can have a true awareness of one’s worth. There was a major flaw in this logic somewhere. The young man felt it instinctively. As he sipped the hot coffee, thoughts of his grandfather crossed his mind.

  Exist in the Present

  PHILOSOPHER: Well, have you worked things out?

  YOUTH: Gradually, but yes, it’s getting clearer. You don’t seem to be aware of it, but just now you said something really over the top. It’s a dangerous, rather extreme opinion that just negates everything in the world.

  PHILOSOPHER: Oh, really? What is it?

  YOUTH: It’s the idea that being of use to someone is what gives one a true awareness of one’s worth. If you put it the other way around, a person who isn’t of any use to others has no worth at all. That’s what you are saying, isn’t it? If one takes that to its logical conclusion, then the lives of newborn babies and of invalids and old people who are bedridden aren’t worth living either. How could this be? Let’s talk about my grandfather. He spends his days bedridden at an old people’s home. Since he has dementia, he doesn’t recognize any of his children or grandchildren, and his condition is such that he would not be able to go on living without constant care. One simply couldn’t think of him as being of use to someone. Don’t you see? Your opinion is basically the same thing as saying to my grandfather, “People like you aren’t qualified to live!”

  PHILOSOPHER: I reject that definitively.

  YOUTH: How do you reject that?

  PHILOSOPHER: There are parents who refute my explanation of the concept of encouragement by saying, “Our child does bad things from morning to night, and there is never an occasion to tell him, ‘Thank you,’ or ‘You helped a lot.’ ” The context is probably the same as what you are talking about, isn’t it?

  YOUTH: Yes, it is. So tell me please how you justify that.

  PHILOSOPHER: At this point, you are looking at another person on the level of his acts. In other words, that that person “did something.” So from that point of view, it might seem that bedridden old people are only a nuisance and are of no use to anyone. So let’s look at other people not on the “level of acts” but on the “level of being.” Without judging whether or not other people did something, one rejoices in their being there, in their very existence, and one calls out to them with words of gratitude.

  YOUTH: You call out to their existence? What on earth are you talking about?

  PHILOSOPHER: If you consider things at the level of being, we are of use to others and have worth just by being here. This is an indisputable fact.

  YOUTH: No way! Enough joking around. Being of use to someone just by being here—that’s got to be straight out of some new religion.

  PHILOSOPHER: Well, for example, suppose your mother has a car accident. Her condition is serious, and her life may be in danger. At a time like that, you would not be wondering if your mother “did something,” or anything of the sort. More than likely, you will just be thinking you’ll be glad if she makes it, and you’re glad she is holding on right now.

  YOUTH: Of course I would!

  PHILOSOPHER: That’s what it means to be grateful on the level of being. Your mother might not be able to do anything in her cr
itical condition that would be considered an act, but just by being alive, she would be supporting the psychological state of you and your family, and would therefore be of use. The same could be said for you, too. If your life were in danger, and you were hanging on by a thread, the people around you would probably feel very gladdened just by the very fact of your existing. They would simply feel thankful that you are safe in the here and now, and would not be wanting you to perform some direct act. At the very least, there is no reason they would have to think that way. So instead of thinking of oneself on the level of acts, first of all one accepts oneself on the level of being.

  YOUTH: That’s an extreme example—everyday life is different.

  PHILOSOPHER: No, it is the same.

  YOUTH: What is the same about it? Try and give me a more everyday example, please. If you can’t, I won’t be able to agree with this.

  PHILOSOPHER: All right. When we look at other people, we are prone to construct our own ideal images of ourselves, which we then detract from and judge. Imagine, for example, a child who never talks back to his parents, excels in both schoolwork and sports, attends a good university, and joins a large company. There are parents who will compare their child to such an image of an ideal child—which is an impossible fiction—and then be filled with complaints and dissatisfaction. They treat the idealized image as one hundred points, and they gradually subtract from that. This is truly a “judgment” way of thinking. Instead, the parents could refrain from comparing their child to anyone else, see him for who he actually is, and be glad and grateful for his being there. Instead of taking away points from some idealized image, they could start from zero. And if they do that, they should be able to call out to his existence itself.

  YOUTH: Okay, but I’d say that’s just an idealistic approach. So are you saying that even with the kind of child who never goes to school or gets a job, but just shuts himself in and stays home, one should still communicate one’s gratitude and say thank you?

  PHILOSOPHER: Of course. Suppose your shut-in child helped you wash the dishes after a meal. If you were to say then, “Enough of that already—just go to school,” you would be using the words of such parents who detract from an image of an ideal child. If you were to take such an approach, the child would probably end up even more discouraged. However, if you can say a straightforward thank you, the child just might feel his own worth and take a new step forward.

  YOUTH: That’s just utterly hypocritical! It’s nothing more than the nonsensical talk of a hypocrite. It sounds like the “neighborly love” that Christians talk about. The community feeling, the horizontal relationships, the gratitude for existence, and so on. Who on earth could actually do such things?

  PHILOSOPHER: With regard to this issue of community feeling, there was a person who asked Adler a similar question. Adler’s reply was the following: “Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you. My advice is this: you should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not.” My advice is exactly the same.

  People Cannot Make Proper Use of Self

  YOUTH: I should start?

  PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. Without regard to whether other people are cooperative or not.

  YOUTH: All right, I’ll ask you again. “People can be of use to someone else simply by being alive, and have a true sense of their worth just by being alive.” Is that what you are saying?

  PHILOSOPHER: Yes.

  YOUTH: Well, I don’t know. I am alive, right here and now. “I,” who is no one else but me, am alive right here. But even so, I don’t really feel that I have worth.

  PHILOSOPHER: Can you describe in words why you do not feel that you have worth?

  YOUTH: I suppose it’s what you’ve been referring to as interpersonal relations. From childhood up to the present, I have always been belittled by people around me, especially my parents, as a poor excuse for a little brother. They have never really tried to recognize me for who I am. You say that worth is something one gives to oneself. But that’s just an impracticable theory. For example, at the library where I work, for the most part my job is just sorting the returned books and putting them back on the shelves. It’s routine work that anyone could do once they’ve been taught. If I stopped going to work, my boss would have no trouble finding someone to replace me. I am needed only for the unskilled labor I provide, and it doesn’t actually matter at all if it is “I” who is working there or someone else, or a machine, for that matter. No one is requiring “this me” in particular. In such circumstances, would you have confidence in yourself? Would you be able to have a true sense of worth?

  PHILOSOPHER: From an Adlerian psychology point of view, the answer is simple. First of all, build a horizontal relationship between yourself and another person. One is enough. Let’s start from there.

  YOUTH: Please don’t treat me like a fool! Look, I have friends. And I am building solid horizontal relationships with them.

  PHILOSOPHER: Even so, I suspect that with your parents and your boss, and with your junior colleagues and other people as well, the relationships you are building are vertical ones.

  YOUTH: Of course, I have different kinds of relationships. That’s how it is for everyone.

  PHILOSOPHER: This is a very important point. Does one build vertical relationships, or does one build horizontal relationships? This is an issue of lifestyle, and human beings are not so clever as to be able to have different lifestyles available whenever the need arises. In other words, deciding that one is “equal to this person” or “in a hierarchical relationship with that person” does not work.

  YOUTH: Do you mean that one has to choose one or the other—vertical relationships or horizontal relationships?

  PHILOSOPHER: Absolutely, yes. If you are building even one vertical relationship with someone, before you even notice what is happening, you will be treating all your interpersonal relations as vertical.

  YOUTH: So I am treating even my relationships with my friends as vertical?

  PHILOSOPHER: That is correct. Even if you are not treating them in a boss-or-subordinate kind of way, it is as if you are saying, “A is above me, and B is below me,” for example, or “I’ll follow A’s advice, but ignore what B says,” or “I don’t mind breaking my promise to C.”

  YOUTH: Hmm!

  PHILOSOPHER: On the other hand, if one has managed to build a horizontal relationship with at least one person—if one has been able to build a relationship of equals in the true sense of the term—that is a major lifestyle transformation. With that breakthrough, all one’s interpersonal relations will gradually become horizontal.

  YOUTH: What nonsense! There are so many ways I could refute that. Think of a company setting, for example. It wouldn’t really be feasible for the director and his new recruits to form relationships as equals, would it? Hierarchical relationships are part of the system of our society, and to ignore that is to ignore the social order. Look, if you heard that a new recruit at your company, who’s only twenty or so, had suddenly started buddying up to the sixty-something director, don’t you think it would sound pretty far-fetched?

  PHILOSOPHER: It is certainly important to respect one’s elders. In a company structure, it is only natural for there to be different levels of responsibility. I am not telling you to make friends with everyone, or behave as if you are close friends. Rather, what is important is to be equal in consciousness, and to assert that which needs to be asserted.

  YOUTH: I am not someone who can mouth off to my seniors, and I would never think of trying. My social common sense would be called into question if I did.

  PHILOSOPHER: What is “senior”? What is this “mouthing off”? If one is gauging the atmosphere of a situation and being dependent on vertical relationships, one is engaging in irresponsible acts—one is trying to avoid one’s responsibilities.

  YOUTH: What is irresponsible about it?

  PHILOSOPHER: Suppose that as a result of following yo
ur boss’s instructions, your work ends in failure. Whose responsibility is it then?

  YOUTH: Well, that’d be my boss’s responsibility. Because I was just following orders, and he was the one who decided on them.

  PHILOSOPHER: None of the responsibility is yours?

  YOUTH: No, it isn’t. It’s the responsibility of the boss who gave the orders. This is what’s known as organizational accountability.

  PHILOSOPHER: You are wrong. That is a life-lie. There is space for you to refuse, and there should also be space to propose a better way of doing things. You are just thinking there is no space to refuse so that you can avoid the conflict of the associated interpersonal relations and avoid responsibility—and you are being dependent on vertical relationships.

  YOUTH: Are you saying I should disobey my boss? Sure, in theory, I should. Theoretically, it’s exactly as you say. But I can’t do that! There’s no way I could build a relationship like that.

  PHILOSOPHER: Really? You are building a horizontal relationship with me right now. You are asserting yourself very well. Instead of thinking about this or that difficulty, you can just start here.

  YOUTH: I can start here?

  PHILOSOPHER: Yes, in this small study. As I told you earlier, to me you are an irreplaceable friend.

  YOUTH: . . .

  PHILOSOPHER: Am I wrong?

  YOUTH: I appreciate it, I really do. But I am afraid. I am afraid of accepting your proposal.

  PHILOSOPHER: What are you afraid of, exactly?

  YOUTH: The tasks of friendship, naturally. I have never befriended an older man like you. I have no idea if a friend relationship with such a difference in age is even possible, or if I had better think of it as a student-teacher relationship.

  PHILOSOPHER: Age does not matter in love and friendship. It is certainly true that the tasks of friendship require a steady courage. With regard to your relationship with me, it will be fine to reduce the distance little by little. To a degree of distance in which we are not in very close contact but can still reach out and touch each other’s faces with our outstretched arms, so to speak.