Be Prepared

by Gary Greenberg

  Cold turkey does not work on all babies, so if it doesn’t work after ten days, you may want to try something else.

  Even if it works, it can become easily undone by illness, teething, visiting grandparents, and a host of other forces beyond your control. If this happens, you’ll have to start all over again.

  For more information about the psychology behind the cold turkey method and other methods like it, read Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems by Dr. Richard Ferber.

  How to Deal with 4 a.m. Wake-Ups

  When your baby’s cry wakes you up from a sound sleep, what do you do? If you’re like most dads, you’ll pretend not to hear it, hoping that your partner will respond. Your partner no doubt is employing the same tactic. And believe if or not, both of you are doing the right thing. The best way to deal with a crying seven-to nine-month-old in the middle of the night is to wait and see if she can fall back to sleep on her own.

  Believe it or not, babies often practice their new skills hall-asleep in their cribs. You may see your little gymnast rocking back and forth on her hands and knees or rolling around semi-conscious in the crib. It’s like Cirque de Bébé in there. She may cry, grunt, whimper, and eventually fall back to sleep. So before you go in, wait a minute or two. (Obviously, if it’s a pain or distress cry, go in immediately.)

  When you do go in:

  Keep the lights low. In lieu of night vision glasses, you can install a red bulb in a table lamp or night light so her room will remain dark but you’ll still be able to see what’s going on.

  Don’t smile or frown, and try to make as little eye contact as possible. Try to be monotonous, which shouldn’t be hard under the circumstances.

  If she wakes demanding a bottle, it could be simply out of habit. Give her a bottle filled with water. After a couple of nights is she may lose interest.

  Installing a red light in your baby’s lamp will you to see what’s going on without her think it’s wake-up time. You also get that creepy Mexican bordello effect.

  GOING MOBILE

  A baby’s first crawl is a proud moment for a new dad. All of a sudden she’s in control of her own destiny, and can go wherever she wants. Basically, she’s just gotten her first set of wheels.

  And that first set of wheels isn’t always pretty. While many babies adopt the traditional crawl, plenty of others find their own, often unorthodox methods of locomotion. Some slither on their bellies, others shuffle on their butts, and still others simply roll from place to place. If you have one of these rebel crawlers, don’t worry. It’s not the method that’s important, it’s the fact that she’s learning to get around that matters.

  Most babies learn to crawl between six and ten months, and usually by a year almost all are at least somewhat mobile. If your baby props herself up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth, she’s ready for take-off. You can assist by:

  modeling a crawl for her,

  letting her feet push against your hands, propelling her forward,

  putting a favorite toy just out of her reach,

  protecting your baby’s knees from hard floors and rug burns by cutting the toe area off a pair of your old socks and sticking them over her legs.

  And once she’s got the basics down, you can create an obstacle course made up of couch cushions, phone books, and empty shoe boxes to improve her agility and maneuverability.

  Expert crawlers have been clocked at speeds of up to 2 miles per hour and have been known to cover as much as 250 yards in a single day (your mileage may vary).

  Yet another use for your old socks: baby kneepads

  Your baby may use any number of methods of transport, including:

  BABY PROOFING

  As soon as your baby becomes mobile, you come to the realization that she doesn’t possess the greatest survival instincts. If anything, it seems like she’s bent on self-destruction. If there is a staircase, she will attempt to fling herself down it; if there is an outlet, she will try to stick something into it; and if there’s an inch of water anywhere, she will try to lie in it, facedown. It’s like she’s auditioning for some baby version of Jackass.

  Since you are most likely the one with the tools, the job of babyproofing your home will most likely fall on your shoulders.

  Here’s a good way to start:

  Secure a pad and a pencil;

  get down on your hands and your knees; and

  crawl around your house, thinking of all the ways you could possibly hurt, yourself along the way and writing them down. Don’t be lazy. Crawl under tables and behind the drapes, or you could miss things like exposed nails, loose change, and latches that could close on your baby’s fingers.

  If you’re not the hands-and-knees type, and you’ve got some extra on hand, you can always pay a professional babyproofer to do the job for you. But be warned: you’ll likely be told that your house is a giant death trap, and that your baby doesn’t stand a chance unless you purchase a array of devices that just happen to be in the babyproofer’s trunk.

  Keep in mind there is such a thing as too much babyproofing. If you turn your entire home into a giant playpen, your baby will have trouble learning self-control, especially when you take her to other people’s homes or stores.

  And the truth is that no matter how many gadgets you install, you still have to watch your baby. The day you get cocky and stop being vigilant is the day she pulls the little plastic tip of the door stopper and tries to eat it. (You need to glue it on or buy a one-piece stopper.)

  If, after reading the following pages, you’d like to delve deeper, you can look through specialty catalogs like Safety 1st or Safe Beginnings, or simply go to your nearest baby superstore and peruse the huge selection of safety-related items.

  Conduct a flashlight search of all the nooks and crannies in your home.

  How Many Ways Can Your Baby Injure Herself in the … Living Room?

  The baby could:

  Crawl into fireplace. Install fireplace screen.

  Knock fire tools on top of herself or try to suck on them. Place out of reach.

  Fall on edges of glass table. Place rubber protectors around all edges.

  Try to eat candy in dish. Place out of reach.

  Pull sculpture on top of herself. Place out of reach.

  Eat dirt from potted plant. Put netting over it.

  Eat the plant, which may be poisonous. Keep plants out of reach, know the names of all houseplants and which are poisonous.

  Stick her hand in VCR door. Get a plastic electronics shield.

  Bang her head on the sharp edges of the two square tables. Get corner guards.

  Pull knobs off stereo and choke. Get a plastic electronics shield.

  Pull speakers down on herself. Put them out of reach or bolt them down.

  Walk into sliding glass doors face-first. Put decals on doors.

  Tangle herself in drape cords. Wrap them so they’re out of reach.

  Knock over wine glass and cut herself on broken shards. Place out of reach.

  Knock over standing lamp. Fasten to wall.

  Tangle herself in lamp’s electrical cord. Wrap cord.

  Shove something into outlet. Get outlet covers.

  Fall and smack her head on hearth. Install a padded cushion around hearth.

  How Many Ways Can Your Baby Injure Herself in the … Kitchen?

  The baby could:

  Reach up to counter and spill hot coffee on herself. Move it out of reach.

  Reach up and touch front burner or knock the pot down on herself. Always use back burner and turn pot handles inward.

  Twist knobs and turn on gas. Install shield or knob covers.

  Pull open the stove door. Install appliance latch.

  Open cabinet under sink and get at cleaning products. Install lock on cabinet.

  Choke on refrigerator magnets. Remove or place out of reach.

  Tip the chair in the foreground onto herself. Push in all chairs.

  Tangle herself in phone cord. Get a cor
d wrap.

  Try to eat contents of trash can. Put in locked cabinet.

  Pull down tablecloth and send bowl and glass down on top of herself. Always use placemats instead.

  Open dishwasher and take out contents or try to eat detergent. Install shield.

  Take food from dog’s food bowl or put head into water bowl. Keep in separate gated room. (And do the same with litter boxes.)

  Because the kitchen is probably the hardest place to keep babyproofed, you can always put up a safety gate in the doorway to bar entry.

  How Many Ways Can Your Baby Injure Herself in the … Bathroom?

  The baby could:

  Close bathroom door on her fingers. Place a towel over the door.

  Press knob button, locking herself in bathroom. Install a knob cover over doorknob.

  Open toilet lid fall into bowl. Install a lid lock on the toilet.

  Open cabinet under the sink and get at the contents. Install a cabinet lock.

  Eat the toothpaste, which can be poisonous to small children. Put it out of reach.

  Knock hair dryer into sink or toilet, or tangle self in cord. Place out of reach.

  Slip and fall right outside of tub. Install no-slip bath rug. (Also, install rubber bath mat on inside of tub.)

  Bang head into tub faucet. Install faucet shield.

  Turn knobs, releasing scalding water. Install knob covers, turn down thermostat below 120 degrees, or install scald guard.

  Try to eat razor and shampoo on the edge of the tub. Install rack that is placed out of reach.

  Drown in small amount of water left in tub. Always drain water.

  To keep your baby out of the bathroom entirely, you can install a hook and eye latch high up on the outside of the door.

  BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE

  The Home Office

  Bolt down your monitor to prevent the baby genius from pulling it on top of herself.

  Thread all of your cords through a tube so she won’t use them as teethers and use a surge-protector cover.

  Get a computer guard to prevent her from shoving a slice of cheese into your disk drive or shutting your computer down before you’ve had a chance to save your thesis.

  Anchor all bookcases and CD stands to the wall.

  Office trash cans with staples and paper clips need to be either lockable or placed out of reach of your little ragpicker.

  Staircases

  Place gates at the top and bottom of every staircase.

  Remove the bottom gate once in a while and let the baby try to climb up the first couple of stairs with you holding on to her. Put carpeting or a runner on the staircase so she won’t slip.

  Crawling down the stairs will require the butt-first approach, which is counter-intuitive to her self-destructive instincts. This should wait until she’s proficient at climbing up, and requires extra-careful supervision from you, and possibly a helmet.

  * * *

  Dads and Gates

  Much of your time at home will be spent hurdling baby gates. Every phone ring is like a starting gun at the Olympics. Just remember to use extra care when negotiating these barriers, especially when you’re carrying the baby. Almost every dad has a story about misjudging a gate and narrowly avoiding traction.

  * * *

  Toys

  Make sure that all toys are sturdy, and don’t have small pieces that could break off.

  Check the eyes of stuffed animals to see if they can be easily chewed off.

  If you think a toy may be too small for the baby to play with, a toilet paper tube as a toy tester. If the toy fits through the tube, the baby could choke on it. (And don’t let her play with the toilet paper tube. She could bite off chunks.)

  This is the size of the hole in a toilet paper tube. Use it for reference if you don’t have a real lube handy.

  General Safety

  Check your home for lead paint.

  Make sure all poisonous substances are kept locked away out of baby’s reach.

  Install smoke alarms and fire extinguishers throughout your home and escape ladders for second-floor windows.

  Keep all emergency phone numbers easily accessible, and an infant first-aid and CPR class.

  Never leave your baby unattended.

  If all of this seems like way too much for you to handle, you can always just put your baby in a giant plastic bubble until she’s eighteen. But even then you’ll have to watch her. Plastic is a suffocation hazard.

  Removing a Foreign Object from the VCR

  For some reason, babies are drawn to VCRs. No matter how often you warn them, the lure of the little black door is too much for them.

  And while playing “Bye Bye Bagel” might help build their hand-eye coordination and hone their sense of spatial relationships, it can wreak havoc on your sensitive electronic equipment.

  Before you start your search-and-recover, keep in mind the following:

  Never leave a VCR plugged in while working on it.

  Never stick anything hard or sharp into the unit. You could scratch the heads located in the back (see diagram), rendering your VCR useless.

  If the object is hard to grasp, you can put double-stick tape on your finger to remove it.

  If the object leaves any kind of residue, such as a banana, you will have to take it in for repair. Moisture in the unit will produce disastrous consequences (e.g., wads of tape wrapped around the drum and other parts of the unit, damaged heads).

  Never try to load a tape into a VCR compromised by a foreign object. This could seriously damage the loading mechanism.

  The Terrible TUBE?

  You can use the TV to put your baby on pause.

  Is it OK to let your baby watch TV? While some dads strongly oppose the tube, most endorse any activity that enables them to take a shower in peace.

  The research on babies and TV hasn’t turned up much evidence either for or against, as it’s hard to psychoanalyze a seven-month-old. However, several years ago the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) came out with a blanket statement recommending no TV for the first two years. Their reasoning? That “babies and toddlers have a critical need for direct interactions with parents and other significant care givers.”

  This begs the question: How much direct interaction does a baby really need? It’s not like dads are throwing the baby in front of the TV with a bottle and taking off for the weekend. But after four hours of intense, in-your-face interaction, how much harm could half an hour of passive staring do?

  HERE ARE EIGHT ISSUES raised by the anti-TV lobby, followed by pro-moderation (sounds better than pro-TV) rebuttals.

  TV doesn’t teach babies anything.

  Babies commonly learn things such as songs, words, and physical skills (such as clapping or waving) from watching television. And by the way, do babies really need to be learning every second? Are they allowed any downtime?

  TV is bad for a baby’s eyes.

  There are no studies to prove this, and, as a matter of fact, some pediatricians have actually recommended television, and specifically sports, for the development of a baby’s eye muscles. Because sports broadcasts tend to use the camera to follow a moving object—a ball, a car, a person running—they can strengthen a baby’s ocular tracking muscles. (Next time your partner tells you to turn off the game, mention this fact.)

  TV gives babies a warped idea of reality.

  And books don’t? Have you read Mother Goose lately? The truth is, babies won’t be doing any heavy thinking about reality for a while yet.

  The time she’s watching TV is time that you could be playing with her.

  It’s also time that you could be bathing, getting something to eat, or shaking the cobwebs out of your head so that you can come back refreshed, ready for more scintillating bouts of peek-a-boo.

  The quick cuts and jerky camera angles will overstimulate the baby.

  Many shows geared to babies move slowly and use smooth transitions from shot to shot. And as for broadcast TV, your baby may enjoy
slow-moving fare such as C-SPAN, fishing shows, and the Weather Channel.

  You should be reading to the baby instead.

  It’s true that television is no substitute for reading. Nor is it a substitute for playing or feeding or washing. Used in moderation, it’s only meant to be an enjoyable complement to the daily routine.

  Your baby will be hypnotized by the flickering demon, and will turn into a life-long addict.

  Actually, many babies aren’t even interested in television. And even the babies who enjoy the tube usually divide their attention between the show and all of the other fascinating colors and shapes in the room.

  Your baby could be doing something more creative with her time.

  As she gets older, your child will have the opportunity to participate in vastly more creative, interactive, and physical endeavors than television. But during these first months, there’s very little she can actually do. She may show scant interest in building that model fighter jet or helping you with your taxes, but watching TV may be right up her alley.

  Some quality videos for your baby to stare at:

  Baby Mozart

  Baby Bach

  Baby Van Gogh

  The Teletubbies Series

  Sesame Street’s Sing Yourself Silly

  Sesame Street’s Elmo’s World Series

  Hap Palmer’s Baby Songs

  Raffi in Concert

  The Wiggles Series

  Singing Babies—Nursery Rhyme Time

  Baby Faces

  Baby Know-It-All Smartypants

  Baby Know-It-All Lil’ Bloomer