Awakened with a start, Anna bolted into a seated position. “What?” Had someone called her name? She heard the message. Crisp. Clear. Concise.
Will you obey Me?
Anna had been a Christian too long not to recognize the voice of the Spirit, but God was not the only one present.
A voice of darkness whispered into her thoughts. “There’s a simple way to hide your secret.”
You’re carrying a child, a baby, a living soul tucked safely in your womb, right where the child needs to stay until the time of birth. The Spirit of God thrummed a clear, powerful message.
“Nobody needs to know your shame. There’s a way to cover this up.”
You must tell someone of your pregnancy immediately. Make yourself accountable now.
“You may die, remember what it was like when you had the boys?”
I was your protector then, and I’ll be your protector now.
“How well did that God of yours protect Steven?” Anna could feel the hatred hiss from that planted thought. A shiver ran up her spine.
Steven is with Me, he is pain free and full of joy. And I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.
“One small procedure, and your troubles will be over.”
Trust me, Anna, and choose life.
Anna threw off her covers and stumbled to the bathroom. She splashed cold water on her face, as if to wash away the frightening thoughts. Anna knew she had to call Pastor Harry immediately. She didn’t care that it was 2:00 a.m. She needed to set up an appointment now. If she waited until morning, she did not trust she would do the right thing.
Her rubber legs could no longer hold her. She nearly dropped the phone as she sank to the edge of bed. With a tremble in her hand she punched the number listed in her contacts.
“Hello,” a groggy voice answered.
“Pastor Harry, it’s Anna.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes! I mean no! I guess, what I mean is that I have to talk to you tomorrow … first thing.” Desperation oozed from her voice, but she didn’t care.
“Of course. Can you come to my office in the morning around seven? My day is booked solid, but I’ll come in early if you can make it.”
“Yes, I can make seven … and thank you.” Her voice wavered, and her hands shook as she placed her cell on the nightstand.
Anna sank into her bed. Every muscle and tendon clear to the bone relaxed. The heavy weight dissipated, and she knew her decision to obey had dispelled the darkness. A warmth, as if God himself enveloped her in a hug, flooded in as she basked in the joy of peace. She fell into a deep, restful sleep.
Though fear nibbled at the edge of her mind, Anna felt a peaceful freedom the next morning. Embarrassment was sure to come. The right decision had been made, but the truth came with the painful realization her Christian witness would be severely tarnished and others would be negatively impacted. God, however, didn’t seem to care about that as much as he cared about the baby in her womb. Before she left, she took a few moments to open her Bible and read. The pages fell open to John 8:32 and the words jumped off the page. And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.
God lovingly echoed his message from the night before and gave her the strength to press forward.
No wonder, I’ve been so tied in knots. I’ve been running from the truth right into the arms of darkness, and my secret has had the power to keep me there.
Anna stuffed a few soda crackers down to fight off the nausea and headed out the door with purpose.
She stopped for a moment to breathe in the crisp morning air. The trees were verdant with newborn leaves that spread open to the warmth of the sun. A gentle breeze kissed her face, as a sparrow darted directly in front of her and lifted its wings into the heavens. This small message from nature touched her soul. She was reminded of Scripture that said if God cared for the tiniest sparrow, she could rest in the fact he cared about every detail of her life. The gathering light of another day gave evidence of the sun just waiting to show off. For the first time in months, she felt a stir of hope. Her darkest secret was about to find its way into the light of day, and yet an unfathomable peace filled her soul.
She found herself humming to a tune on the radio as she drove to the church and realized how unnatural that small normalcy felt. She had not enjoyed music for months.
How long since she felt happy, truly happy? The answer to that question eluded her. She dared not open that door or visit that room.
Pastor Harry wore an expression of concern as she entered his office.
“Sit, sit, Anna,” he said as he rose to usher her into a chair.
Rather than resume his chair behind the desk, he pulled up another one and sat across from her. He removed his reading glasses and rested them on the arm of the chair.
Without ceremony, he launched into prayer. As natural as breathing, he invited the Holy Spirit to join them and give wisdom. His prayer was short and heartfelt.
“Anna, how can I help?” He smoothed a hand through his thinning hair. “Eleanor and I talked in great length after your call this morning. We sincerely hope that the church hasn’t let you down. Have we failed to help you in the ways you need? You’ve been through so much … for so long.” He shook his head. “Too long.” His kind eyes radiated warmth encouraging her to speak.
Anna didn’t know where to begin. How did she tell her pastor she was pregnant only a few months after the death of her husband? Not a soul would believe the lonely existence they had shared together. Even if people could comprehend her loneliness, it was not an excuse she would use. She felt sorrow for those her mistake would hurt the most and prayed they would find it in their heart to forgive her.
“Anna,” he coaxed. “What is it?”
She blurted out the truth. “Pastor, I’m pregnant!”
His eyebrows shot up, and she could see the shock her words brought. She knew she’d have to toughen up and get used to that look. It took him a moment to speak.
He shook his head and lifted a hand to smooth his scrunched-up brows.
“Well, well, well … the Lord surely works in mysterious ways doesn’t he, Anna? He giveth, and then he taketh away, bless his name. But I guess in your case it’s the other way around. He took Steven and gave you a baby.”
Those were about the last words Anna had expected would roll off his tongue. A stunned and tongue-tied silence filled the room.
“Now remember, Anna, God wouldn’t give you this child if he didn’t think you were capable of raising the little one.” He rose, walked over to his desk, and began jotting down notes.
“Let’s see here. The prayer group will be notified and immediately begin to pray for an easy pregnancy, safe birth, and healthy baby. The women’s ministry group will be put on a weekly schedule to give you any help or support needed.”
Anna’s surprise blossomed as her eyebrows knit together in confusion.
He glanced up over the brim of his glasses. “Now, don’t even think of declining our help Anna, it’s the least we can do in the circumstances.
“Oh, and what about your finances? The Lord clearly encourages us to take care of the widows and the fatherless. Sadly, in your case there will be both.”
Anna remained speechless. She had always admired Pastor Harry’s compassionate spirit but had not been sure what to expect. This was over the top. She’d anticipated, at the very least, he would pray for her sinful ways and would want to know who the father was so he could suggest counseling in hopes of it leading to marriage. But this was astonishing.
“I’m … I’m okay for now. I’ll be able to carry on with my job for a number of months, so my finances will be adequate.”
“Don’t be afraid to let me know if you need extra help. Besides, you don’t want to be exhausted
because finances dictate you have to work right up to the end.
“Let’s see?” A frown etched his brow as he thought for a moment. “You’re what, at least four months along now? Although, my dear, you don’t look it.” He glanced at her midsection and shook his head. “It’s all the stress you’ve been under, poor dear.”
“Let’s say you work another three months, and then we’ll help you with your finances so you can have some rest before the baby is born.” He jotted down another note. “I know that the church board will agree wholeheartedly, so you can consider it done. Then we’ll continue to help you financially until you tell us otherwise. We’re here for both you and your baby, Anna. You can rest assured.”
He rose to full height and shook his head in wonder. “As hard as this may be to understand, dear Anna, God planned that you would have another legacy from the great man you lost. It truly is a miracle that you could conceive, with Steven being so sick and at your age. It’s almost like a modern day Abraham and Sarah story, if you ask me.”
Anna’s head snapped up and she couldn’t stop her eyes from bulging out of her head. The straightening of her spine nearly jerked her from the chair.
“What, Anna, you didn’t seriously think we wouldn’t support you in your time of need, did you?”
Anna shook her head. Her heart sunk to the bottom of her shoes. So, this was what he believed. It all made sense now. He thought the child was Steven’s. Oh, it would be so simple to leave it there. If the child were born a month late who would suspect anything? Both her boys had been overdue and not a soul thought anything of it. The wheels of deceit began to turn and pick up traction.
Her relief lived but a second. As clear as if someone had audibly spoken the words, she heard the Holy Spirit speak into her soul, The truth will set you free.
She knew what God wanted her to do, but never had she been more tempted in her life to let a half-truth live. After all, she had not spoken one lie. Maybe this was God’s form of mercy.
Again, the spirit spoke. No, the truth will set you free.
Just as she was about to tell the truth … a slight rap at the door interrupted and a head poked in.
“Come in, dear,” Pastor Harry said, as he waved her into the room.
Anna had always loved the Pastor’s wife, Eleanor, and it pained her beyond measure to have to tell the rest of the story with her present.
“Oh, my dear,” she said bustling forward. Her arms squeezed Anna in a genuine hug before she prattled on. “We were so concerned. When you called, I almost got dressed and came over immediately. Had it not been for Harry fitting you in first thing, why I would’ve never lasted the night. I hope you don’t mind me here. I just know that whatever you need, the Spirit of God has asked me to personally help you, and I would feel honored if you’d let me know what that looks like.”
“Eleanor, dear—” Pastor Harry interrupted, “It’s the most amazing and truly wonderful news. Anna is pregnant. God saw fit to send another little miracle our way—another addition to Steven’s legacy.”
Eleanor gasped in astonishment. “My dear, you never said a thing.” Her eyes traveled down Anna’s slim frame to rest upon her abdomen.
“Why, I look far more pregnant than you do.” She laughed as she patted her round tummy.
Without a breath between she rattled on. “You’re one of the strongest women I know. If only the rest of the church body knew how to take things to the Lord first, before running poor Harry ragged as if he was the Almighty himself.” She clucked her tongue. “You’ve always been the rock-solid one. We could all take lessons from you. You help out at the retirement home, attend choir practice, and find peace in the midst of your grief by giving to others. Why, the other ladies and I just marvel at your strength of character and generous spirit.”
Anna had never felt more the hypocrite than she did in that minute. Every word Eleanor spoke only served to drive the nails deeper into the coffin of lies that she now felt surrounded by. The four walls of this box squeezed in, the weight of her omission lowered her into darkness. The lid creaked shut and she felt suffocation take over.
Anna found herself surrounded in a circle of prayer with both the pastor and his wife praying up a storm. They pleaded with God for a safe delivery, prayed others would come around and give support, and that Anna would have health and strength in the months to come. They prayed, and prayed, and prayed, for everything except what she needed—the strength to tell the truth.
Before she could grasp the wherefore and the why, Anna was on her way home in complete and utter shock. She turned the radio off and felt annoyed by the cheerful sun. How had something she knew to be the right thing to do, turn out so wrong? In truth, the lie grew bigger and better than she herself could have concocted, and she had prayed … so maybe, just maybe this is what they call divine intervention.
The truth will set you free.
Anger surged as Anna entered the house. She slammed her purse down on the kitchen island and stomped to her room. She fell on the bed in a heap. “It’s nobody’s business who the father is. This child might as well have a beautiful legacy rather than sordid history. It’s destined to grow up without a father anyway. Matt’s way too busy. And God, I’m not aborting the baby, surely that’s what matters the most? Besides, I raised my other two virtually alone, and I can do it again.”
Relief poured over her. The more she thought things through, the better it got.
I won’t have to tell my sons or in-laws. To remain quiet makes perfect sense—far better than the pain and shame the truth will bring to my family. And I won’t lose the respect of others. Who in their right mind would argue with that? I’ll get everyone’s help rather than their gossip and scorn. She rolled over and spoke out loud. “Now, that’s a blessing too good to pass up.
“And, God, I didn’t tell one lie. Can it be that you understand and this is your hand of grace—after all my suffering, I’m finally getting a break?”
Rationalization danced in her head. Deliverance lay spread before her until the thought of Matt bit into her consciousness. Like a ferocious attack from an angry Pitbull, a bite-size chunk ripped the comfort from her reasoning.
She’d have to deal with Matt. He was the only one who knew the truth. But their worlds never met, so this wouldn’t be too hard. He lived, worked, and socialized in different circles, and he certainly didn’t attend church, so the chance of keeping this from him seemed doable.
One caveat—she would have to do something about the way he kept showing up on her doorstep. This had to be dealt with immediately, before she was showing. No more skirting around the unavoidable. She had to squelch any hope he had of them becoming a couple.
A pang of regret flooded her soul. As much as she wanted to lie to herself about that night, she couldn’t. They had connected in a way that went far beyond a mere indiscretion, but he could never know. He was a heartache waiting to happen anyhow. The heartache might as well begin now.
Anna, the truth will set you free.
She buried her head under her pillow and ignored the voice.
If only Matt had left her alone after that one night, life would be much easier. Instead, he’d sent flowers, dropped off chocolates, wrote a hauntingly beautiful letter, and left too many phone messages to count. He’d begged to see her, but she had ignored the plea. She knew she owed him an explanation but couldn’t find the courage, all too aware of the attraction between them. Now, however, her hand was forced. His child grew within her, and she had to make sure he never found out.
The closer the hour drew to his arrival, the more miserable she felt. Pride and self-preservation held her firm and stilled her fingers from dialing the phone and cancelling their meeting.
Just beyond the curtain, she watched him jump out of his vehicle and climb the steps to her front door two at a time. He looked all too eager. Her legs began to shake, and she san
k into a nearby chair. Could she really do this to him?
The doorbell chimed in rapid succession with a definite urgency. Anna clutched the sides of the chair in her hands. She longed to present a cool, collected front, but there she sat digging her nails into the leather. About as calm as a hummingbird in flight, she gathered her courage and rose.
With one last careful appraisal in the hallway mirror, she was thankful her tall frame and the choice of a loose-fitting blouse and flared black skirt carefully concealed the growing bulge. She had left her wavy hair flow free down her back knowing this would create a further distraction.
I wonder what he thinks about me agreeing to see him after three and a half months of silence?
There he stood, the outline of his wide shoulders and strong frame filtered through the misty glass in the front door. A flash of memory brought the feel of those muscular shoulders splayed beneath her fingertips alive. A hot flush spread over her body. She wanted to cower and once again ignore him but knew she must not. With the door handle grasped firmly in her hand, she opened it wide.
Matt’s easy smile vanished and something intense took over. He didn’t move or say a word as his eyes locked with hers. They stood silently staring, both tongue-tied, drinking in the sight of the other.
Anna’s heart jumped into her throat. Blood began to thrum through her veins as she tried valiantly to still the raw emotion that flooded in. She didn’t want to feel. She wanted to say goodbye with no heartache and had hoped it would be easy for the both of them. What a foolish notion.
“Doctor Carmic—Matt, come in.” Her words sounded forced and fragile even to her.
She turned from his stare to break the awkward moment and walked into the kitchen, confident he would follow.
“Matt, would you like a drink, a soda, a wat—”
“No, Anna, all I would like is you.”
Anna's Secret Page 5
