An audible gasp slipped from her lips as she turned toward him, keeping the island safely between.
“So, this is how it’s going to be, Matt, right to the point? No niceties, no small talk?” She tried to sound aloof and in control, but the fact her hands trembled didn’t help the situation.
His eyes flitted from her hands to her flushed face in a way that told her he was fully aware she was affected by his presence. He had always been perceptive. She remembered how, as Steven’s doctor, Matt had skillfully broken down the walls of her unspoken distress. He had taken the time to care not only about Steven but every family member who suffered alongside. With compassion and expertise, he had broken down the barriers. She had shared snippets of truth about her struggles that no one else knew. Many people commented on his exceptional bedside manner. Anna knew he was gifted. Today, that quality frightened her.
“Anna,” he said softly as he wound his way around the island to stand before her. “I guess I could ask you to explain the silence. I could beg you to reconsider your decision.” He reached out to touch her arm, and she flinched and backed away.
“I could even kiss you senseless, but then again what would tomorrow bring? Would it bring more regret? Would it stir your moral convictions and leave you a sinner?’
Her cheeks flushed with heat, and she brought her hands to her face to hide the obvious. His forthrightness cut deep.
“I never meant to hurt you or to go against your beliefs. And I swear I never meant for that evening to go beyond anything other than comfort. But I’m not in the least bit sorry. I won’t lie, Anna, you mean a great deal to me, so don’t ask me to regret something I found incredibly beautiful—” his words broke off in a whisper.
Anna felt control of the situation slip away. She placed one hand over the other to still the movement. Everything within her wanted to calmly confront him, but she couldn’t even make eye contact. The tiles on her kitchen floor held her rapt attention. She was thankful he kept his distance.
“I’ve done some reading on what Christians believe and now understand that you have different convictions about premarital sex than I do. I also know this is not something you’ve ever done before. I don’t make a practice of it either, but Anna you … consumed me. I’ve never felt anything before that came close to what we shared.” He rubbed a hand around the back of his neck. “It’s hard for me to be so honest.”
Anna braved a quick look and knew he spoke the truth. His startling blue eyes held open emotion that pulled her in. Anna took a deep breath but forgot to exhale. This was not going as planned. She felt the spike and jolt of attraction course through her system.
Matt cleared his throat and swallowed hard. “I know you were in a vulnerable state that night, and for that I’m sorrier than words can say.”
“No,” Anna interjected finding her voice. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have—”
“Anna, let’s not ... try and figure out how to divvy up the blame. I’m having a difficult time regretting any of it, and I would rather not hear that you don’t feel the same.”
A longing soaked through his words, and he took a few steps closer. Instinct told her to back away. She was now up against the counter.
“Okay. Okay. I won’t touch you, but where do we go from here?”
When she didn’t immediately answer, he answered for her.
“We can start over. I’ll give you time to grieve. I respect what you and Steven had. We can just nurture the friendship we’ve always shared. It’s what I had meant to do in the first place. He lifted a hand up toward her face then dropped it. “You’ll find me a patient man, but please give me a chance.”
What could she say? How could she crush the heart of such a kind man? Her careful plan lay ripped apart by his gentleness. She had intended to do the talking but instead stood mute. Her short, pointed dismissal had turned into his sweet proposition. Where she planned to ask his forgiveness for her part and tell him that she was not ready for a relationship, he circumvented with his apology and respect enough for her beliefs to try and understand them. Her plan to communicate a need to be left alone instead became his offer—an antidote to a very lonely life ahead. What she hadn’t counted on was how much his presence would make her feel—the spark of something deep inside her that wanted life, love, and happiness. Her heart skipped a beat as she gazed into his hopeful eyes.
“Matt, there’s nothing I would love more. You’re an amazing man …”
He stepped closer in anticipation, and she almost capitulated. It took all she had to shake her head. He stopped short.
“Matt, you don’t understand. I just can’t.”
Brought back to reality, she remembered. There were a thousand solid reasons their relationship wouldn’t work. First and foremost, he wasn’t a believer, and secondly, they were worlds apart. His sheer good looks, position, intelligence, money and the fact he was younger, all screamed run. She had noticed the way the nurses on the cancer ward swooned every time he came around. She was no match for their constant charm. He would tire of her all too quickly, and then where would she be? They came from different worlds and different belief structures, and her decision was sound.
The support she had from Pastor Harry and Eleanor had been amazing. This baby needed the influence of a loving church that would stay the course. She didn’t have it in her to cause shame and hurt to her sons and extended family by starting up a relationship that was doomed for failure.
A way out of her predicament had been handed to her gift wrapped and tied in a bow, and she planned to open it. However, if she didn’t set Matt straight right here, right now, she would be tied to him forever.
The truth shall set you free.
She hadn’t heard those words for a few weeks now, and she sure didn’t want to hear them now. The one person she would have to directly lie to stood in front of her with soulful eyes and an intense determination. She needed strength to pull this off, not Bible verses flitting about in her head.
She turned away from his stare. “Matt, I’m sorry too. I’m not proud of what I did that night. I hope you can forgive me.” When he tried to interject, she stopped him. “I listened to you, now please do the same for me.”
He slid onto the bar stool beside the kitchen island. With deliberate care she positioned herself on the opposite side. She prayed he wouldn’t notice the flush in her cheeks and hated the way she blushed when emotions ran hot. As she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, the tremble in her hands came into full view. She lowered them to her lap and clutched them together.
“It … it just won’t work. I’m still crippled with grief. I’m sorry for what I did, but I was lonely. It meant nothing more.”
Matt stood abruptly to his feet and walked around the island removing the barrier between them. A ripple of fear skittered up her spine. She knew she couldn’t hide the truth if he touched her. She would be lost.
“What are you so afraid of Anna? Is it possible that you’re lying to me? What’s going on? I don’t fit into your perfect little Christian world, or you’re embarrassed you have feelings for me so soon after your husband’s death? Don’t give me that shocked look, I know I’m very close to the truth. Your little speech rang far too hollow.”
He reached for her and in one sweep pulled her close. Without giving her time to protest, he lowered his lips to hers.
Anna struggled not to respond, but after a second of hesitation all reason vanished and she melted in the warmth, the taste, the beautiful sensation of being kissed by a man who desired her.
Matt pulled his head up. “I’m sorry I had to do that, but I have my answer.”
She caught his look of satisfaction and wrenched out of his embrace. Tears burnt hot. The desire to cry turned into anger. She lashed out. “Why did you do that? Can’t you respect what I’m trying to say?”
“Anna, I can see you’re angry, b
ut you’re lying to me and to yourself. You needed to know that.”
The urge to hit him and finish that kiss collided.
Knots of anxiety twisted in her stomach and her forehead broke out in a cold sweat. She somehow had to make him believe her. Her whole future hung in the balance. The choice of truth or lies lay before her. She stepped into the fray. Once the lies started, they flowed like lava spewing from an erupted volcano.
“I … I’m truly sorry, Matt, but I don’t feel anything for you. I was remembering Steven … both then and now.” There was a catch in her voice, before she hammered the message home. “When we made love, I imagined Steven once again healthy and strong beside me. I’ll love him until the day I die. There’s no one who can take his place. Please, please … leave me alone.”
Genuine tears flowed down her cheeks. She cried for Matt, for her lies, for their baby who would never know a father.
The crestfallen look on Matt’s face spoke volumes. Her words had hit the mark.
“No wonder you responded so readily. You were making love to a memory, and I was the fool making love to you. What an idiot I am.” He raked his hand through his hair and paced the kitchen. “You begged me to leave you alone these past three months, but no. I never imagined that you could respond the way you did and it not be me you wanted or needed. It all makes perfect sense now. What a fool I am.” In a daze, he turned and walked to her front door.
“Goodbye, Anna.” Though he paused, he didn’t turn back. “I’m truly sorry, and I won’t bother you again.” The quiet click of the door was the last she heard before she fell in a heap to the floor. Agony roiled and twisted within her. She was sick to her stomach, and it had nothing to do with the pregnancy.
“I’m so sorry, Matt, so very, very sorry. You don’t deserve this.”
“Oh, God, what have I done?”
The agony and weight of her deceit crashed in damning her. Conviction pressed down. The depth of her cruelty to hide the truth stunned her.
Justification volleyed for attention. I could hurt Matt, or I could hurt many others. What choice did I have?
Truth, however, tugged at the edges of her mind. She liked the respect her good girl image had given. Perfected for far too many years, she couldn’t bear the thought of a fall from grace. The destructive power of pride lay swaddled in the manger of her choice—deception.
Anna didn’t need to question why God and his peace had become a distance friend. She had heard countless times that truth would set her free, and she had chosen lies.
Tears would not fix this mess, but they were all she had.
Anna scurried out the door to meet Steven’s mom, Betty, for lunch. Matt had stayed clear, and now was the time to tell her family. Pastor Harry was waiting on her to make her pregnancy public so the church could lend a hand. She could not delay the inevitable. She had set the table of deceit, and now it was time to pull up a chair and eat the fruit.
Anna picked a spot she knew would put Betty at ease. Betty had a flare for the dramatic, loved good food and excellent service. The upscale Eldorado Hotel fit the bill perfectly and remained one of Betty’s favorite places to “do” lunch.
Anna shifted nervously in the chair awaiting her arrival. Though spring still held crispness, the garden patio was open and afforded just the privacy she needed. Copious blooms spilled from the hanging baskets in a rainbow of cheery color and filled the air with a pungent fragrance. A cool breeze kicked up off the lake and made Anna second guess her decision until the patio heaters automatically turned on. They radiated a warmth she wished could reach the cold on the inside.
“Well, little one,” she said as she smoothed a hand over the tiny protrusion beneath her fingers. It’s time to tell your grandma all about you.
She’s really not the child’s grandma, is she? Matt’s parents would be the grandparents.
Disturbing thoughts of truth cut into her train of thought. She hated the fact this often happened and pushed them away yet again.
“Yes, my baby, I’m so glad I can feel you now.”
She had taken up the habit of talking to her little one ever since that first flutter of movement. Like butterfly wings gently taking flight, the tiny sensation caused excitement and brought relief. With the stress she was under, she had been worried about the development of her child. Though it had been difficult to face the pregnancy, she now realized how much she wanted this baby.
Matt would want this baby too. He has every right to know that you carry his child.
One daunting thought after another jabbed in until she felt like an over-used pincushion. With determination she redirected her thoughts to Betty.
Anna loved Betty. She had taken Anna in as a daughter-in-law and promptly removed the “in-law” thereafter. She helped Anna heal from the loss of her own mother by being a kind replacement.
With Betty and George always so good to her, Anna rationalized how it would hurt them to have the memory of their late son tainted by this pregnancy so soon after his death.
In quiet moments when truth prevailed, Anna admitted she craved their approval and didn’t mind the fact they practically hero-worshipped her for all the years she had taken care of their son. She couldn’t let one mistake wipe away twenty-three years of exceptional reputation.
Her lie gained power. Like the baby growing within, it had life. One lie bled into two, three, four, and many more. She now lived in a state of angst. Her life up to this point had not been one prone to deception.
Will I trip up on some detail? Will I forget to tell people that I’m a month farther along than I actually am? Will people believe that I’m not showing as much due to the stress and loss of weight incurred after Steven’s death? Will I get used to the lies?
Anna’s heart rate spiked each time a lie rolled off her tongue. The fringes of darkness crowded in.
She wanted to run when she saw Betty weave her way through the lunchtime crowd, but instead she waved her over with a well-practiced smile.
Betty hugged her and slipped gracefully into her chair. Her brightly colored sequined sweater and pencil slim skirt would have looked overdone on most people, but Betty could handle the look. With her trim, still youthfull figure, immaculate coiffure, manicured nails, and Louis Vuitton purse, Betty looked like she could have stepped out of the pages of a high-fashion magazine. Anna remembered being terrified of her at first. But Betty’s genuine friendliness soon changed that. She had a flare for fashion, but beneath the surface lived and breathed a down-to-earth soul. Her bubbly personality soothed Anna’s frayed nerves.
Betty placed a warm hand over Anna’s ice-cold fingers and gently squeezed. “How you must miss our dear Steven. George and I think of you every day and wonder how you manage the grief.”
She turned and waved the waitress over. “Could you bring me a Perrier, my dear?”
Anna was grateful that Betty would carry the conversation and flit from subject to subject invariably answering her own questions.
“How are Jason and Mark processing the grief? I suppose their studies help dilute the sadness. You said they both have girlfriends now?
“Oh, that just brings back such wonderful memories of when Steven first brought you home. You were so shy and incredibly lovely. He was smitten from the get-go.”
Anna smiled and listened to Betty’s chatter, it oddly gave her comfort.
The waitress had to wait a few minutes before she cleared her throat. “So sorry to intrude, but are you two ready to order.”
“Oh, yes, my dear. Sorry. I didn’t see you there. Now tell me all about your lunch special, does it have onions, I like them my dear, but they just don’t like me.” Before the girl could answer, Betty was gushing over the ring on her finger.
“Is that an engagement ring? Oh, how lovely. Why, your fiancé is a lucky man.
“Anna, look at the size of this ring and the
beautiful bride-to-be. Don’t you think her fiancé has impeccable taste?”
Anna nodded in agreement.
The young waitress beamed.
Anna sat and listened to a love story unfold as Betty genuinely wanted to hear how her fiancé had proposed.
Their lunch came and went, and Anna let Betty carry the conversation. They were currently on the latest kitchen renovation that Betty and George were undergoing. Anna nodded politely, answered where needed, but could barely concentrate. All she wanted to do was blurt out her news and be done with it.
She wished that things could be as they always had been, and she could have a peaceful luncheon with one of her favorite people in the world, without the guilt. Instead, peace had flown away that morning in Pastor Harry’s office never to return. She was going to have to tell a boldface lie to this dear soul.
“My dear, did you hear me?” Betty patted her arm.
Anna’s head snapped to attention as she forced herself to focus. She had no idea what Betty had just said.
“Are you okay, you look a little peaked?”
The opening that Anna needed fell into her lap.
“Well, actually, Mom, I have something to tell you. You’re not going to believe this. I’m still in shock myself.”
Betty was all ears. She leaned in closer and placed her hand over Anna’s. “Go ahead, dear. You know that George and I will help you in any way we can.”
The sincerity in her voice and eyes made Anna want to cry.
“I’m … I’m pregnant!
The astonishment on Betty’s face could have registered a seismic wave of ten on the Richter scale. Her perfectly arched eyebrows shot up to the roof.
“What! How … can that be? Steven was so sick!
Anna nodded and used the same words Pastor Harry used. “I guess it’s a modern-day Abraham and Sarah story.”
“Oh, Anna, I’m both delighted and sad. This must be so difficult for you.”
Genuine tears filled Anna’s eyes as she nodded in agreement.
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