“We’ll do anything, and I mean anything, to help. You just name it, and we’ll be there.” A troubled light stole into Betty’s eyes.
Anna could no longer look directly at Betty and bent her head in shame. Remorse filled her soul, as tears broke free.
Warm arms enveloped hers as Betty pulled her chair close enough to hug her.
“Now, now dear, it’ll be all right. How far along are you? You poor thing. You’ve looked so gaunt and malnourished, no one would guess.” She looked directly at Anna’s midsection and Anna breathed out trying to push the small mound to its fullest capacity.
“Five months now,” she hiccupped between sobs, knowing full well it was only four.
“And you’re only telling us now? Why haven’t you said something sooner? You shouldn’t have tried to deal with this alone. On top of being pregnant, you’re dealing with grief, school, and work. How absolutely dreadful.”
Anna had to think fast.
“It was the last thing I expected. I … I thought that I missed my cycle due to stress, and I had lost weight after Steven’s death.” She took in a deep breath, as a shudder ran through her. “I also became so distracted with starting a new job and school. I just wasn’t paying attention.”
One lie after another tumbled from her lips. Most of them were not complete untruths, but the message came through clear. Betty thought the baby was Steven’s, and that lie lived and breathed and would be passed along as truth.
“There, there, my dear,” Betty said as she patted Anna affectionately. “We’re here for you. You just have to learn to lean on others more and not be so fiercely independent.”
She pulled out a thick, soft tissue from her purse and handed it to Anna. “Promise me, my dear, that you’ll let us help you.”
Anna lay on her bed that night and trembled at the mess of her life.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Another Bible verse filtered into Anna’s troubled mind. She wished now she had not memorized so many Scriptures. They haunted her day and night. She knew if she came to God, he would give her rest but would also demand honesty. A mountain of embarrassment would follow. Honesty was off the table.
Betty had begged Anna to stop school and work, but Anna insisted they helped her fill her lonely days. She compromised and agreed to work only one day a week while she finished the six-month course she had started. Betty was only too happy to help out financially. Anna tried to refuse, but Betty insisted that Steven would have wanted both a restful pregnancy for Anna and a healthy baby. Anna had little recourse but to give in.
Guilt and sadness enveloped, and like a whirlpool she felt sucked into a vortex. Deep. Dark. Deadly. Who had she become? Where had that honest, dependable girl gone, the one who could sleep like a baby and had peace in her heart despite the hardships of life?
Anna tossed about and flipped restlessly from one side of the bed to the other.
The nights were the worst, and Steven wasn’t the one in her bed or her head. Memories of Matt and the pleasure that followed haunted the hallways of her mind.
After punching down her pillow and rearranging her covers, she stared at the shadows cast from the street light through her window. She tried to distract her troubled spirit by counting the light beams streaming through the slats of her valance. When that didn’t work she closed her eyes in hopes that counting imaginary sheep would help. Instead, another gnawing Bible verse came to mind.
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.
Groaning into her pillow, Anna cried. Great wrenching sobs shuddered through her body as she curled into a tight ball.
“God,” she whispered, “I didn’t set out to live this lie, it found me.”
I know my child, but it’s still a lie. The truth will set you free.
Somehow life went on for Anna, though she wanted to rage at the injustice or excuse the sin or turn the world off. Yet the sun rose in the east and set in the west. One day melted into the next, and her baby grew.
She had always loved late spring into the first blush of summer before the heat intensified. Cool mornings and evenings with sun-drenched afternoons made every living plant thrive. Flowers bloomed, birds fed their little ones, and life exuded hope, but not this year. Loneliness set in with a depression that skirted the edges of her mind.
Her sons hadn’t come home in April when university finished. They stayed to work at summer jobs in Victoria. She missed their company but tried not to feel sorry for herself. Both of them had serious girlfriends, and they longed to be close to the ones they loved. She remembered that season of her life all too well, but it intensified her loneliness.
Time was up. She had to tell the boys about the baby, so she set out on a road trip for the Island to tell them in person. Normally, she would’ve prayed for a safe trip through the steep, windy mountains. She ignored that habit, feeling shame, hypocrisy, and distance—all of her own making. Although she expected to white knuckle it through the high elevations with a mixture of rain, sleet, and fog, the sun shone. Visibility remained bright and beautiful. When she reached the town of Hope, she breathed a sigh of relief. The worst stretch of highway, which dropped a full kilometer in elevation over a mere fifty miles, was behind her. Without thinking, she thanked God as she would have so many times before. Instant angst filled her heart. The easy relationship they had shared was gone.
When Anna got together with her sons and shared she was pregnant, they never questioned who the father was. Anna didn’t have to voice the lie, she merely had to insinuate and perpetuate one. Somehow that didn’t ease her unrest. A part of her wished that someone would question her, stretch her, make her face the truth—no one did. Her good-girl persona remained unchallenged.
Jason spoke first. “Would’ve never guessed this news in a million years. I’m shocked, but I’m coming home, that’s for sure. I’m not leaving you alone at a time like this.”
Anna had expected this kind of response from her gentle-spirited Jason.
“No, Jason. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I don’t want you boys to change a thing. Your life, your jobs, your girlfriends are all here and I’m busy with my course and my job. I keep my days full,” she said with a firmness she never thought she could muster up.
“But, Mom—”
“No buts, Jason.”
Jason turned to his brother for support. “Come on, Mark, help me out here. I know you can’t leave Victoria, being you need the money for your last year of school, but I can take a year off and pick up where I left off later.”
Mark frowned and rubbed his hand behind his neck.
Anna could tell that for her practical, level-headed son, an unplanned pregnancy would be unheard of. He kept his world perfectly ordered with a rigidness that screamed out the damage from his childhood. His dad’s illness and death had been something he couldn’t control but everything he could manage, he did down to the last jot and tittle.
“Mom, how can this be? Dad was so sick, and didn’t you two ever do anything permanent to ensure that this wouldn’t happen … with Dad’s poor health, and all?”
Anna squirmed in her seat and felt heat swallow her face. She didn’t lie, she merely told part of the truth.
“Your father and I were told years ago he couldn’t have more children. That the drugs he used and the treatments he had made that impossible.”
Mark shook his head. “I don’t understand how God could let this happen to you now, when you have no help and are getting old ... er.” He rose to his feet abruptly. His hands tightened into fists, and he paced back and forth like a caged jaguar.
“Mark, don’t blame God. Please. He hasn’t failed me yet, and he won’t now.” Her words sounded weak, even to her ears. She knew them to be true, but she also knew that she wasn’t exactly asking God for help.
&n
bsp; “Ah, Mom, I can’t bear to see you go through more.” In a rare moment of tenderness, Mark broke down. His voice wavered as he struggled to hold onto control.
“I don’t know how you keep on believing in God when he’s done so little to make your life easy.”
Disappointment and anger bled into his words. Anna could tell his walk of faith was struggling.
Thankfully, Jason came to the rescue. He stood up and gave his brother a quick hug but didn’t linger, for Mark didn’t accept hugs well.
“Come on, Bro, it’s not that bad. We’re family. If God’s seen fit to add another little one, we need to find joy in that. I kinda like the idea of a little sister or brother … don’t you?”
Mark smiled despite himself. “Well, when you put it that way … the kid will be spoiled rotten.”
All the way home, Anna replayed their conversation. Her heart squeezed tight, and tears blurred her vision. She had to pull over to collect herself. The thought that Mark would blame God for her indiscretion felt like a thorn embedded in her flesh. Every conversation that fed the lie pricked her conscience, and the peace that had always been hers became a distant memory.
Anna’s heart beat out of her chest, and knots as big as boulders weighted down her shoulders. Her sister was the hardest person to lie to.
“Why wait this long to tell me? Haven’t I visited every week?” Lana’s eyes grew large as she blinked back tears.
“Here I thought you were finally eating again and putting on some decent weight, only to find that you’ve got a lot more to deal with.”
“I’m sorry, Lana. You can’t imagine the pressure I’ve been under lately. I could barely comprehend what was going on in my body myself, much less talk about it. It’s been forever since I was pregnant and believe me when I say pregnancy was the last thing on my mind. I thought I had the flu. And when I didn’t get my cycle, I believed the effects of stress had finally got the best of me.”
Tears filled Anna’s eyes. She just wanted to be left alone. She hated the liar she had become.
“Sorry, Sis,” Lana said. “I didn’t mean for this to be about me.” She fished in her purse for two tissues, one for each of them. “I’m just a little offended to be way down on your list of people to tell. But I’ll get over it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t worry about it. Eleanor came up to me the other day at church and quietly asked me if you had talked to me yet, like she was in on some secret. When I shook my head, she told me to pray for you. It felt weird to be left out of the loop. Why would you tell the pastor and his wife before me?
Anna shook her head. No good lie came to mind. “I don’t know. I’m not myself these days.”
Lana graciously conceded. “I get that now more than ever, but I need to be sure that we’re okay?”
“Yes. Of course.” Anna quickly interjected.
“What I’m trying to ask is if I’ve done anything to change the trust and friendship we’ve always had? I get this distinct feeling that you don’t tell me half the stuff you go through anymore, and I’m not sure why.”
It was hard for Anna to answer. She knew it had nothing to do with her attentive sister and everything to do with the lie she was now living.
“Lana, please don’t think it’s your fault. It’s … it’s me. I haven’t been a good friend to anyone since Steven died.”
“You would tell me if there was more, wouldn’t you, Sis? You seem so lost. I’ve never seen you like this, not even through the worst of it when Mom and Dad died, and then Steven. This scares me.”
Anna longed to fill her perceptive sister in and ask her advice. She desperately needed someone to talk to, but knew that her fate was sealed, her choice made. For the first time in her life she would keep a secret from her twin—a horrible, deceitful one at that!
“Yikes, Rita, your room is warm. I see you got those blinds wide open again. How do you sweet talk the staff into opening them for you when we all know we’ll be cooked out of this place?”
Rita giggled like a schoolgirl. “I guess you’re all scared of me.”
Anna laughed. “Yeah, scared to disappoint the most loving soul in this place.”
“Glad you don’t want to disappoint me, Anna, dear, because I have something I want you to do for me. I know I’ve been bedridden for over a month now, but I need”—her voice became a whisper and Anna could not make out her words.
Anna walked closer and bent toward her.
“I want to go outside and feel the sun’s warmth on this old face.”
Anna smiled. “You’re a plucky soul, because we both know this is going to cause you considerable pain to be moved and jostled about. Are you sure?”
Rita’s eyes crinkled into lovely lines of laughter. “No pain, no gain,” she said, “I aim to see the roses blooming at least one more time.”
“Don’t talk like that Rita, it makes me sad.”
“Why ever so, my dear? We both know I’m going to a far better place. When I get there, I’ll find your Steven and give him a big hug from you and tell him all about the baby.”
Anna’s eyes shifted down and she changed the subject back to Rita’s request. “I’ll check with the head nurse. If you’re allowed on a field trip, consider it done.”
The smile that radiated from that wrinkled, worn face lit up with the brilliance of a shooting star. She shouted after Anna, “See that the answer is yes, because I’m not taking no for an answer.”
To rearrange Rita’s schedule took some doing, and Rita had to forgo the rigor of her bath to have the energy for her trip outdoors. But the day was too perfect to pass up.
“The bath can wait. Because there’s a chance that neither me nor that sunshine will be around tomorrow. I do believe the good Lord won’t care a hoot whether I go to the grave without my last bath.” She chuckled at her own humor, and Anna joined in.
With the help of the orderly, Anna dressed Rita and moved her from the bed into the wheelchair.
“I would like my purple sunhat, dear.” Rita waved to her closet. “And that lovely colorful afghan for warmth around my legs.”
Anna smiled and did her bidding.
“And I’m keeping my fuzzy yellows on. They keep the feet warm like nothing else. Don’t care if they’re slippers, won’t be doing any walking anyhow.” She chuckled.
As they rolled into the foyer, Rita caught a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror. Laughter rang out as she pointed at her reflection. “Why, Anna, look at that. If the good Lord can’t see I’m in need of a new body soon, well, I’m just going to have to get stern with him. Every time I ask him to take me home, he tells me my work is not yet done.
“Tally-ho, my dear,” she said as waved toward the door and broke into song. “Some glad morning when this life is over, I’ll fly away.” Anna joined in. “To that land where joy shall never end. Oh, I’ll fly away.”
Joy radiated from Rita’s being, and her usual waxen complexion changed before Anna’s eyes. Color burnished both cheeks, and her gray eyes grew bright with an unearthly sparkle. They sang their way out into the sunshine.
It was one of those rare summer days where a cool breeze rustled the leaves in the nearby maples and lifted the oppressive heat. The afternoon sun spread a buttercup yellow across the adjacent field and covered the waving grass in golden threads of splendor. Rita lifted her face into the warmth and breathed deeply.
“My dear, find me a rose. I need to feel, smell, and touch.”
Anna cast her eyes around.
“Over there.” Rita lifted her frail bony hand and pointed across the street to the wooded area. “I’ve been looking at those wild roses for a few days now, and there’s nothing like the smell of a wild rose.”
Anna was torn. Should she leave Rita unattended or disappoint her with a no?
“Go. I’ll be fine.” It w
as as if she read Anna’s mind, and that thought unsettled her.
Anna hustled across the street. If not for her swollen abdomen that reminded her to be cautious, she would’ve broken into a full run.
It had been ages since Anna had gathered wild roses and stopped long enough to drink in the beauty or smell the woodsy perfume that floated up. She buried her nose into the bouquet as she headed back.
Rita gathered the sprigs in her fragile hands and gently rearranged the blossoms to her liking. She set them before her. “It’s like having sunshine in my lap,” she quipped.
A long moment passed as her gaze fixated on the flowers. “Did you know that summer has always been my favorite season?”
Anna shook her head. “No, why?”
Rita smiled. “Ah … because I love the sunshine and roses, especially the ones that grow wild.” Her fingers touched the velvety petals, and she lifted one to her nose. She breathed in and exhaled slowly.
“How lovely. I may not be able to run or walk, but I can still smell.”
She motioned toward Anna. “Can you push me through the park?” Anna slipped behind the chair and they moved along the walk.
“As believers, we want to be a pleasing fragrance like these wild roses, don’t we?”
“Yes.”
“I guess, then, the question remains, how do we lose that sweet aroma?”
Anna had no idea how to answer and turned the chair into the rose garden.
“Stop,” Rita said. “Push me over to that rose bush, dear.”
Anna felt glad that Rita’s probing was distracted.
“Closer, please. I want to smell that beautiful yellow one right there.” She pointed to a bush straight ahead. Anna wheeled her over and leaned in to bring the branch close to Rita’s nose.
Rita breathed in deeply. “Hmmm, just what I thought. You smell it.”
Anna bent down and took a good whiff. Nothing. She did it again. Still nothing.
“This rose has the appearance of the real thing, but isn’t it disappointing when it has no scent?”
Anna's Secret Page 7
