2 Fuzzy, 2 Furious

by Shannon Hale

  Ms. Schweinbein whipped around, startled, and her expression was visibly disappointed when she saw Doreen.

  “Yes?”

  “Ms. Schweinbein, I feel like maybe you don’t like me so much. I was wondering, did I do something that I should apologize for? ’Cause I’m one hundred percent into apologizing.”

  Then she waited. Trying not to fidget, to show how sincerely she was listening.

  Ms. Schweinbein started in on one of her possibly-award-winning sighs, but stopped midway through. “You are the kind of student, Doreen, that rubs me the wrong way. Your outbursts, your attempt to pace alongside me as if mocking me, your comments about my odor…”

  Doreen very much wanted to interject with a detailed explanation of why and how and that’s not what she’d meant…but she shut her mouth and kept on her listening face as Ms. Schweinbein outlined all her faults.

  “Teaching is a challenging profession, Ms. Green. And being mocked by students is not a perk.”

  Doreen’s heart had begun to pound. Sweat gathered on her forehead, feeling prickly and unpleasant. Her muscles heated, her stomach was sick. She inhaled through her nose. No scent of musk. Nope, this was just normal panic. First came the flight option: she should run away and never talk to her teacher again. The fight option perked up, too, by suggesting she had the strength to throw her teacher through a window. No, no, that would not do.

  Especially not now, not after she’d seen Ms. Schweinbein at home. She was a real person with a real house and real pets, and an odd and probably illegal barnyard in her basement. That was kind of cool. Maybe Doreen could be the one to have a little understanding.

  After rejecting both flight and fight, Doreen discovered a third option, a kindness one, a bonding one. After all, base animal instincts didn’t just include flight and fight. There was also building of community: nests of squirrels, packs of wolves, adorable little caveman villages with top-notch cave wall paintings.

  “Never mind,” Ms. Schweinbein was saying. “I didn’t get into teaching to make BFFs, so I’ll get over it. So, anyway…” She started to go through papers.

  “Ms. Schweinbein,” said Doreen, “I am really sorry. I didn’t mean to mock you, but I totally see that that’s how it seemed. I feel awful that I ever made your day worse.”

  “Oh,” said Ms. Schweinbein, seeming surprised. “That’s…that’s okay.”

  “Also…” Doreen pointed to the sign on the wall: WIGGLING IS INAPPROPRIATE HUMAN BEHAVIOR. “Maybe if you thought of us as animals, that would help. Like how when something rolls by a cat, they can’t help but want to paw at it? And if something smells interesting, a dog is going to want to sniff it? Well, sometimes human kids need to wiggle. Or say things that aren’t just right and perfect, and stuff. If you thought of me as an animal, do you think you could like me bett—”

  “YES,” said Ms. Schweinbein a little too quickly.

  “Oh, good,” said Doreen. “Because animals are awesome, which is an opinion that I think we both have in common, and having things in common is good, but anyway I’d love to listen to anything you have to say on that topic as I’m a pretty good listener working on my listening skills?”

  “I love animals. In fact…” Ms. Schweinbein dabbed the inside corners of her eyes. “When I was little, I wanted to be a goat.”

  “A goat? Huh. That’s really interesting, Ms. Schweinbein. I never met anyone who wanted to be a goat before. And I just want to say, I think it’s really sad when dreams don’t come true, but really cool that you’re doing your best anyway.”

  “Thanks, Doreen,” said Ms. Schweinbein, sounding like she really meant it.

  “And, hey, I was thinking about your…um, I mean, you know Squirrel Girl? She asked me to pass along a message to you.”

  “WHAT.” The teacher dropped her papers to the floor.

  “I kinda know her, no big deal,” said Doreen, gathering up the papers. “But she was thinking, if the mall opens up, it could really use a petting zoo. Not sure what she meant by that exactly, since I’m not her and therefore don’t have access to all her thoughts, though I’m sure they’re grade-A thoughts, but just passing along a random message.”

  Ms. Schweinbein’s eyes twinkled.

  For a second there, Doreen thought she might even hug her. But the early bell rang and students started coming in. Doreen took her seat and made a mental note not to comment on how people smell anymore. And one time when she raised her hand, Ms. Schweinbein even called on her.

  So Doreen was feeling pretty good when she headed to lunch. She was starving, having run out of the house that morning after only three bowls of cereal with almond milk, and was the first to the Squirrel Scouts lunch table by the frozen-yogurt machine.

  Vin Tang arrived second. He looked even paler today than usual, with dark circles under his eyes. He sat down and stared at his bagged lunch without opening it.

  “You okay?” asked Doreen.

  Vin startled, then nodded. He leaned closer to Doreen to talk under the noise of the cafeteria. “I…Last night Thor showed up at my house. He was holding a hammer bigger than my head. He told me I’d better be nice to girls or he’d know about it.”

  “Ah, yeah…so he’s a personal friend of the Arcos Romero family? And Squirrel Girl mentioned to him how you asked out Ana Sofía but then never set a date or called her back—”

  “Oh!” said Vin. “I was waiting for her to tell me when. Isn’t that how it works? A guy asks a girl to go out and then she takes care of everything else?”90

  “Um, I don’t think so,” said Doreen. “Dude, I don’t know. But probably you should talk to Ana Sofía about it?”

  “Okay,” he said, nodding vigorously. “Okay. Hey, so she isn’t friends with any of the scarier heroes, right? Like Hulk or Ant-Man?”

  “Ant-Man?”

  “Ants are scary, Doreen! Have you seen them up close? They’re like MONSTERS!”

  “Yeah, okay, well, just talk to Ana Sofía, okay?”

  “Hey, Vin. Hey, Doreen,” said Heidi, arriving with her usual entourage of friends. “Since the mall still isn’t open, this weekend we’re getting together at Dennis’s pad to talk Squirrel Scout strategy—”

  “Hang on,” said Dennis, “not everyone’s invited, you know.”

  “What are you talking about, Dennis?” said Heidi. “The party is for Squirrel Scouts, isn’t it?”

  “Exactly my point!” he said.

  “WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT, DENNIS?” said Janessa. “Doreen is a Squirrel Scout, isn’t she?”

  “Oh yeah!” said Dennis. “I forgot that you were! My bad. How come you don’t come out with us to fight beside Squirrel Girl?”

  “Parents,” she said vaguely. “Middle school.”

  “Dude,” he said and gave her a high five. “See you Saturday?”

  “Sure,” said Doreen.

  Her stomach warbled like it was full of wasps and her palms itched and sweated, though she played it pretty cool. She still wasn’t 100 percent sure how to be Doreen Green. But she reminded herself that Ana Sofía would be there. It was incredibly awesome having a best friend to fight alongside you a hundred feet belowground in a secret evil lair. But it was just as awesome having a best friend to stand beside you as you walked into a middle school party.91

  As the LARPers and Somebodies and the rest of the Squirrel Scouts sat down, Doreen stood up.

  “So I spoke to Squirrel Girl,” said Doreen.

  They all stopped talking and looked at her.

  Huh. That line had worked on Ms. Schweinbein, too. She needed to use it more often. “She wants me to tell you guys to calm the freak down.”

  They nodded wisely.

  “That sounds like her.”

  “Forsooth.”

  “You guys are getting hurt and being way too violent just generally,” said Doreen. “And Squirrel Girl is not hip to it. Like, I know that, uh, we all want to fight evil and crime and stuff, but we don’t have to be the punchers, right? L
et’s leave the punching to the girl with the squirrel powers.”

  That was the speech she’d been preparing, and unlike in her daydreams, there didn’t appear to be any fallout. Dennis, who had a sprained wrist from Mistress Meow, was nodding emphatically.

  “So we should figure out what being a Squirrel Scout is going to mean going forward?” said Heidi.

  “Maybe we need to train more in combat,” said Jackson.

  “Some of us are well trained,” said the duchess.

  “No, I think we should be more of a fan club, right?” said Dennis. “And cheer for Squirrel Girl and stuff from a safe distance?”

  “At least there should be regular parties,” said Janessa.

  The discussion got going, and Vin live-texted it on the Squirrel Scouts thread so the Skunk Club at the high school could see it as well as Ana Sofía. By the time she arrived, they’d moved on to other topics, and she was well-informed.

  Ana Sofía sat beside Doreen and opened up her laptop.

  “So we keep talking about me teaching you computer stuff but never do it ’cause there’s never free time,” she said. “But I don’t want computers to just be my thing because if I teach you what I know maybe we can get into the same college one day and major in computer science together and basically just keep being best human friends forever and ever, so how about we just start right now?”

  “Heck yes,” said Doreen.

  She sat across from her, opened up her lunch bag, and tossed Ana Sofía the string cheese her mom had packed for her. She took a handful of raisin-free trail mix, munching while listening to Ana Sofía’s in-depth explanation of databases. She hoped no Super Villain chose today to show up in Shady Oaks demanding to fight Squirrel Girl. She was looking forward to a full day of being Doreen Green.

  Three weeks later, Doreen was back at the mall for the first time since Squirrel Girl punched a bunch of Hydra agents till they didn’t want to be bad guys anymore.92 Hundreds of people from both Shady Oaks and Listless Pines showed up, some in freshly washed Chester Yard Mall T-shirts, but many without. The combined Union High and Listless Pines High marching bands were playing a song they’d rehearsed together.93 If it didn’t exactly create a perfect harmony of love and acceptance, the result could still be classified as “music.”

  A huge banner proclaimed it OPENING DAY OF COMMUNITY MALL! Beneath the banner, on the dais, Pepper Potts spoke into the microphone. She was a petite light-skinned woman with bright red hair, dressed inconspicuously in a blue pantsuit, but her voice was commanding.

  “When we at Stark Enterprises heard about the tragic situation here in your community, we saw not only an opportunity to make a great business deal but a chance to help you keep your mall. Your own Squirrel Girl contacted Mr. Stark to ask for his help. Mr. Stark could not be here today as he is currently lending a hand to the Avengers—”

  A man in a black suit came up to Pepper Potts’s elbow and whispered in her ear, handing her a folded piece of paper.

  “Oh,” said Ms. Potts, unfolding the paper. “It appears Tony Stark sent a message he wants me to read to you.

  “‘We at Stark Enterprises are happy to help Shady Oaks and Listless Pines keep their new mall after potential disaster was averted, thanks in no small part to Squirrel Girl. And if she’s there, I just want Squirrel Girl to know that a lot of people like how I wear my facial hair. I get compliments on it constantly. And I don’t have any reservations about my facial hair choices, nor are they covering up any deep-seated insecurities, just FYI.’

  “Okay, so that just happened,” Pepper Potts continued, refolding the paper. “In the future, I’m just going to scan Tony’s memos to myself before reading them aloud. Anyway, Union Junior student Ana Sofía Arcos Romero has been instrumental in saving this mall and has worked with me personally to find businesses to open shops, including Shady Oaks Shades, Schweinbein’s Petting Zoo, Socks Socks Socks, Somebodies Froyo, Professor Nutty’s Nut Emporium, and Burger Frog. I’ve asked Ana Sofía to say a few words.”

  Ana Sofía stood up at the microphone. She looked so small up there, squinting out and frowning at the crowd. By now, Doreen was literate in her BHFF’s various frowns, and this was her I’m Nervous But Determined frown.

  “YEAH, ANA SOFÍA!” Doreen yelled.

  The Squirrel Scouts shouted, too.

  “Ana Sofía! Represent!”

  “That’s our girl! Go, Ana Sofía!”

  Ana Sofía read from a paper.

  “Thank you, Ms. Virginia Potts, CEO of Stark Enterprises and one of my personal role models. Ahem. Greetings, people. I’m honored to be here today and first want to convey a message Squirrel Girl asked me to pass along. And I quote: ‘Yes, dudes! We totally wiped out those jerks! Hydra is the worst. The literal worst. For real. So let’s stop being jerks to each other and enjoy some tasty froyo flavors and play on the escalators!’”

  Some in the crowd laughed, some applauded politely. Ana Sofía looked up and folded her paper.

  “Look, I’ve seen the message boards. I know some of you still don’t think it was really the real Hydra. Even though I videoed the really real Hydra agents attacking Squirrel Girl with plasma guns in their secret underground lair. It seems super-strange how some believe and pass around the weirdest conspiracy theories and then deny hard, scientific facts and actual evidence—”

  Pepper Potts made the wrap-it-up signal with a circling finger and smiled encouragingly at Ana Sofía.

  “Anyway,” said Ana Sofía. “Squirrel Girl risked her furry tail for you. And I did, too, actually, now that I think about it, only not my tail since I don’t have one. Ahem. But the least you could do is try to be nice to each other, okay? It’s so arbitrary anyway! I mean, yeah some of us live in one neighborhood and some the other, but like Squirrel Girl says, we don’t have to be jerks about it! So, thanks, Ms. Potts and Stark Enterprises.”

  And she promptly walked off the stage. Doreen wasn’t sure how much of the sincere and enthusiastic applause her friend could hear. So she lifted her hands in the air, twisting them in the ASL sign for applause.

  The Squirrel Scouts around Doreen switched from clapping to the applause sign as well. And the sign quickly spread. Clapping quieted, hands rose, and soon a thousand people in the crowd were signing their applause. Ana Sofía glanced back and her mouth opened. She wiped an eye and hurried off.

  Vin was waiting for Ana Sofía as she got off the stage, clapping and smiling. They had a plan to go walk around the mall together. Doreen was going to meet them at the nut shop in an hour.

  “Hey, Pepper Potts, read the results from the mascot election!” shouted Heidi.

  “RE-SULTS! RE-SULTS!” Dennis tried to start a chant, but no one else picked it up. He fake-coughed to stop and then ran his fingers through his hair.

  “Aye, the definitive results of our civic duty!” yelled the baron.

  “Prithee,” said the duchess, “announce them to the eager masses!”

  Pepper waved and opened the ballot box, scanning the various papers with something that to Doreen looked like a Star Trek device.

  “I’ve tallied the results and we have a clear winner,” Pepper Potts said into the microphone. “Most of you chose to write in a candidate, and most of you chose to write in the same candidate. Wow, this is truly amazing. The mascot for your new Community Mall is a SQUIRREL!”

  The crowd cheered.

  Doreen gasped. She caught Ana Sofía’s eye from across the crowd and signed, “Squirrel wins.” Ana Sofía smiled. Most people wouldn’t be able to tell that she was actually smiling, but Doreen could.

  A squirrel! Tippy-Toe was going to be stoked.

  Doreen’s secret phone buzzed. She ducked out of the crowd to see who was texting her.

  SHE-HULK

  Hey I’m on the east coast for the weekend but all my friends are apparently in space fighting Thanos. Are you free to go grab a smoothie sometime?

  SQUIRREL GIRL

  …

  …
<
br />   …

  Yep94

  SHE-HULK

  Cool see u soon

  SQUIRREL GIRL

  Sure no problem since grabbing smoothies with fellow heroes is a thing I totally do on a regular basis and basically the norm for me is what I’m saying

  So is there a way to unsend already sent texts?

  Anyhoo see u soon fellow hero

  SHE-HULK

  ;)

  Endnotes

  1That means Best Human Friend Forever. By the way, this is me, Doreen Green, aka Squirrel Girl. I’m just gonna read along with you and let you know my thoughts down here in the endnotes, deal?

  2Or Luster Lass, Lumen the Undying, Captain Incandescent, Flicker Filly, the Inexcusable Glare, Sun Bunny….If it were me, I would just go as “Shine,” but I would also pretend to be Australian, because with the accent people might think my name is “Shoin,” which would confuse and discomfit them, and that’s what crime is all about, right?

  3Best Squirrel Friend Forever, of course.

  4In my experience, capes are a lot more common among the Super Villain lot than bicycles. Which is a shame because bikes could totally be evil with the right look. SPIKES! CHAINS! EVIL HANDLEBAR STREAMERS IN SHOCKING COLORS!

  5Squirrel Scouts are basically people who think Squirrel Girl is pretty awesome and wants to help me stop evil. This group was mostly students from my school, but you can be a Squirrel Scout, too; it’s not an exclusive club or anything.

  6Even so, I haven’t been invited to that many parties in my life. Yet. Probably the invitations will start rolling in soon. But I was trying to empathize with Laser Lady’s feelings first so she’d take my advice after. You know, like parents do.

  7TBH I still can’t believe they don’t recognize me from school, even if I do hide my tail in my pants. They must be like, “Doreen sure looks like Squirrel Girl, but I don’t see a squirrel tail, so totes not her, I guess.”

  8The Somebodies is…a popular group, I guess? I don’t really get how that works. But Heidi’s dad donated a frozen-yogurt machine to the school cafeteria, so for a long time that apparently meant that she and her friends got to decide who mattered? Middle school is confusing.