Arthur Rex

by Thomas Berger

  And though King Arthur believed that this was nearer the truth than what any of the women had told him, he thought it was not yet the correct answer. And he was in despair, for finally the year he had been given by Sir Gromer Somir Joure in which to find the answer had all but been exhausted without success, and it seemed as though he must soon go and be at the mercy of that evil knight who had none.

  Now meanwhile Sir Gawaine had been seeking Sir Launcelot, who himself was looking for the Holy Grail and not knowing where to look had ridden aimlessly out of Camelot and very soon he found himself in a place no one of the Round Table had ever seen before, for this was easy to do in that time when the laws of geography were lenient. And Sir Gawaine could not find his friend, no matter where he looked, and he went all over Britain and he did discover no trace of Sir Launcelot.

  And finally the entire year had passed during which King Arthur must needs find the answer to the question of Sir Gromer Somir Joure, and Gawaine returned to Camelot empty-handed. But then neither had he believed that Launcelot of all people could answer the question of what women wanted, for he had proved greatly ineffective in the matter of Elaine of Astolat, nor so far as Gawaine knew had Launcelot had ought to do with any woman his life long.

  Now when Sir Gawaine reached King Arthur and told him he could not find Launcelot anywhere, the king was sorry to hear these news.

  But he said nobly, “Then I shall go to Sir Gromer Somir Joure with the answers I have collected, though methinks that none will satisfy him, not those of the women I have interrogated nor that of the men. But I have no other.”

  “Then, Uncle,” said Sir Gawaine, “let me be your emissary in this matter. For this wicked knight will surely seek to do you great damage if you can not supply the correct answer. Whereas if it is I who confront him, what he does will be of no fundamental harm to the realm.”

  “Gawaine,” said King Arthur, “I have given him my word. Now, my death could never be so damaging to what we believe in as the breaking of my pledge. All vows are made ultimately with God, even though His instrument be an evil man. I should be happy to die in honesty if the alternative were to live by means of deceit.”

  “Yet,” said Sir Gawaine, “all this misfortune hath come about only because of the foul crime by which your sword was stolen. Hath a virtuous man no defense against criminality?”

  “Twice hath my sword been stolen lately,” said King Arthur. “To be sure, these thefts were wicked in the extreme. But were they not possible only because of mine inattention? And why was I inattentive? Because I arrogantly believed that all evil had been eradicated from Britain. If now I am killed by Sir Gromer Somir Joure, then it would be but a deserved punishment for my pride, dear Gawaine.”

  And he prepared to go to his fell appointment, for the time was at hand.

  But Sir Gawaine begged at least to ride in accompaniment with him, the which plea King Arthur granted, on condition that he not lift his sword to defend him.

  Then they left Camelot together, and they had ridden to within a league of the castle held by Sir Gromer Somir Joure, and they reached a crossroads where was standing an ancient hag, and the closer they came to her, the more loathsome did she seem in figure, and her face was turned away. And when they arrived near her, and she turned and looked at them, she was so ugly that their horses shied from her.

  For her nose was long and red as a carrot, and matter did run from her eyes, and her teeth were green as moss and her skin was purple, and her hair was like nothing so much as a thornbush. And foul as she looked, her stench was even worse.

  And she did smile horribly and she said, “Hail, King Arthur and Sir Gawaine,” and she raised in salute an hand like unto the claw of a cockatrice.

  Now notwithstanding her loathly appearance, until proved otherwise she was a loyal subject of the realm, and therefore the king and Sir Gawaine returned her courteous greeting.

  “I know where and why you go, King Arthur,” then cried this hag. “And unless you can supply the correct answer to the question, you shall be a grave king indeed.”

  And Sir Gawaine clasped the hilt of his sword, for she was so vile-looking he believed her to be some felon in disguise, and he asked, “Dost jeer at thy king?”

  But knowing no fear she cackled in shrill laughter, and she said, “Gawaine, remember how once you did kill a woman by mistake!” And Sir Gawaine was shamed, and he withdrew his hand from the sword.

  “Well, lady,” said King Arthur politely, “this is true enough. But if thou dost gloat over it, thou canst hardly be a virtuous dame.”

  “Do not mistake me, King Arthur,” cried the hag. “It is I who can uniquely provide your deliverance, for I possess the true answer to the question of Sir Gromer Somir Joure.”

  “Then speak it,” said Sir Gawaine, “for the love of God.”

  But King Arthur chided him. “I will accept no aid that is begged blasphemously,” said he. And to the hag King Arthur said, “Lady, methinks thou hast some condition to providing this answer, else thou shouldst have given it me without ado.”

  “Indeed that is so,” said the repulsive crone, and Arthur and Gawaine had all they could do to keep their horses quiet, for even those beasts did find her aspect obnoxious and they strained at their bits. “In exchange for receiving this answer, the which will save your life, you must pledge to marry me.”

  “Well,” said King Arthur, “that I can not do, for the reason that I am married already.”

  “Which is no secret to anyone in the world,” said Sir Gawaine, and again he clasped the hilt of his sword. “Uncle, methinks there be some treachery here.”

  And then the hag shrieked in the vilest laughter that they had ever heard, and the foul exhalations of her breath turned the green grass to brown on the meadow near by. “Gawaine,” said she then, “remember your obligation to all women: that they be beautiful and desirable were no condition of it.”

  “That is true,” said Sir Gawaine. “Lady, what would you of me?”

  And the hideous crone did smile showing her teeth which were covered with slime, and there was a running sore in her ear, and her figure within the robe of filthy rags was as that of a blasted tree on a moor, and in her hair were the nests of many spiders.

  And she asked Sir Gawaine this question: “Would you save your king?”

  “With all mine heart,” said Gawaine.

  “Then I ask no less,” said the hag. “I will give to King Arthur the answer to the question of Sir Gromer Somir Joure, if in return you shall marry me.”

  And holding his breath, so great was her stench, Sir Gawaine said, “Then I agree, lady.”

  “Nay, Nephew,” said King Arthur. “I can not allow you to do this.”

  “Uncle,” said Sir Gawaine, “you have forbidden me to help you otherwise in this matter, and I could not defy your command, but it is mine own affair if I choose to bargain with this lady.” And to the hag he said, “I have accepted your proposal. And now tell us the answer to this question.”

  And therefore she did, and then she asked when Sir Gawaine would marry her, and she seemed to grow even more ugly by the minute.

  “We shall go now to the felonious Sir Gromer Somir Joure,” said Gawaine, “and if the answer you have provided be the correct one, and Excalibur is returned to King Arthur, then come to Camelot a fortnight hence and I shall marry you as promised.”

  “Then I have your word as knight of the Round Table!” cried the hag.

  “Indeed,” said Sir Gawaine, and then he said to King Arthur, “Uncle, come let us hie. Excalibur hath been gone too long from you.”

  Now as they rode King Arthur said, “Gawaine, I thank thee for this sacrifice. Long have I wished thou wouldst marry, but never in this fashion, thou who couldst have had the most beautiful maid in Britain.”

  But Sir Gawaine made an effort towards good cheer. “’Tis little enough, Uncle, and perhaps God would have me atone for mine old ways, when comeliness was all I sought in a woman. No doubt this
mine intended wife hath a strength of soul, a richness of spirit, for doth not God distribute human gifts so as to maintain a balance in the world?”

  “Surely she is virtuous,” said King Arthur, “and her wisdom must be remarkable, for she hath given us the answer to this question.”

  “Well,” said Sir Gawaine, “let us determine whether it is indeed the correct one.”

  And soon they reached the castle which Sir Gromer Somir Joure seemed to hold illegally (though we know that it actually belonged to Morgan la Fey and she had installed him there).

  Now the wicked knight awaited them in the middle of the drawbridge, and he held Excalibur across his saddle.

  “Hail, royal Arthur and noble Gawaine!” said he. “The time for answering the question is come at last. And if you have not the correct answer, King Arthur, then I shall strike off your head so that it will tumble into the moat and feed the serpents who live there.” And to stir their appetites he now flung a piece of meat into the water below and it soon boiled with writhing reptiles which had red eyes and yellow fangs.

  Now there was nothing in the world more loathly to King Arthur than serpents, for they had figured in the nightmare he had suffered after bedding with his sister Margawse. And his other sister Morgan la Fey had divined this through her art of nigromancy, and she had put these snakes into the moat for just that reason.

  “Then put thy question, sir knight,” said King Arthur, “and I shall try to answer it.”

  “What do women most desire in this world?” asked Sir Gromer Somir Joure.

  But King Arthur would not first give the answer provided by the hag, because if he did not use it, then Gawaine would not be forced to marry the repulsive creature. Rather he began by repeating the divers answers he had got from women, “To obey their husbands... to care for men,” &tc., and then he gave the answer he had got from male persons, “To be desirable to men,” but at each of the answers the wicked knight shook his head and he raised Excalibur ever higher, until finally it was high as he could lift it.

  And then Sir Gromer Somir Joure said, “King Arthur, you may give but one more answer, and if it is as wrong as these (and I expect it to be) your head will feed the serpents. Therefore I ask you to remove your crown and give it me.”

  And notwithstanding that he should have to marry the loathsome hag, Sir Gawaine prayed that her answer be the correct one.

  “Nay, caitiff, do not be precipitate,” said King Arthur. “I shall keep my crown so long as I am king of Britain, even if that be for but one moment more. Now, repeat thy question.”

  “What do women most desire in this world?” cried Sir Gromer Somir Joure, this knight who might have been a fine man had not his detestable lust caused him to surrender to Morgan la Fey his self-command.

  And King Arthur gave the answer which the hag had given him in exchange for Sir Gawaine’s promise to wed her: “What women most desire in this world is... to rule over men.”

  And with a terrible howl of chagrin Sir Gromer Somir Joure dropped Excalibur onto the drawbridge and he toppled from his saddle into the moat, where there was a terrible seething of the surface as the serpents tore all the flesh from his bones and the water turned bright red from his blood.

  Then King Arthur took up his sword and he and Sir Gawaine voided this pestilent place.

  “Well, dear Gawaine,” said King Arthur when they had ridden for several leagues, “thou hast delivered Excalibur and preserved me, and I am most grateful to thee.”

  “Any knight would have done the same,” said Gawaine.

  Now when they reached Camelot the preparations for the wedding were begun, and they were lavish. And all the knights were curious to know who it was that Sir Gawaine was going to marry, but he did not tell them, nor did King Arthur.

  And Guinevere, who had fallen ill for want of Sir Launcelot, of whom nothing had been heard in ever so long, determined to be well enough to attend Gawaine’s wedding, for so fond of him was she. And she summoned him to her and she asked whom he was to wed.

  “Madam,” said he, “with all respect, I would not tell you now, so that you might be surprised at the appropriate time.”

  “Then very well, dear Gawaine,” said the queen. “No doubt thy reason for this secrecy will appear in the sequel and thy bride shall amaze us with her beauty and her grace.” And then her sweet smile did take on another character, and she said, “Alas for thee that thy dear friend Launcelot is not at Camelot now! But perhaps he shall come home in time for the nuptials?”

  “Nothing could please me more,” said Sir Gawaine. “But I did search for him throughout the realm for an whole year. Were he not the invincible knight we know him for, I should fear he had been killed.”

  And Guinevere did shudder, saying, “Yet he is not immune to treachery.”

  “Let us rather think that he hath gone again to some monastery,” said Sir Gawaine, “and there, secretly immured, doth spend his days in pious exercise.”

  But to Guinevere this was first a worse thought than if he had been killed, but next she knew an horrid guilt for having had the first thought.

  Now the day of Sir Gawaine’s wedding did come, like all anticipated misfortunes, soon enough. And all hope that the bride would not appear were dashed when the hag came a-riding into Camelot on a donkey that was the ugliest beast in the world, and it was lame and covered with sores. And the guards upon the gate sought to turn her away, for it was not seemly that such a pestilent-looking creature be admitted to the castle on such a festive day.

  But King Arthur was waiting to escort her, and he gave her gracious welcome and he conducted her to the chapel.

  And there Sir Gawaine in a handsome costume of fur and silk awaited her, and he bowed to this loathsome crone who wore a wedding gown of some mean stuff, which had not been white in many years, and it was tattered as well, and her shoes were covered with mire, and her veil was so torn that her hideous face, with its bursting boils, was hardly covered at all.

  “Lady,” said Sir Gawaine, “as you can see, I am prepared to keep my promise, for the answer you supplied was the right one, and I am grateful to you for saving King Arthur’s life.”

  “Then, handsome Gawaine,” said the hag, “mine husband to be, let us proceed in all haste, for I long to share thy bed!”

  And then, her claw upon his arm, King Arthur conducted her to the altar, whilst Sir Gawaine was accompanied by his brother Sir Agravaine, who had known nothing of the hag until he saw her, and when he did he believed that Gawaine had lost his reason.

  And all the knights and ladies there assembled did marvel at the sight of the hideous bride, and they could not believe what they saw, and therefore they would have murmured amongst themselves, but King Arthur silenced them with his stern countenance. And Guinevere believed that want of Launcelot had made her so ill that she had been affected in her brain.

  Now the ceremony was conducted by the chief of the chaplains of Camelot, and you can be sure that he lost no time in completing it, for the stench of the bride was even more obnoxious than her appearance. And when he was done and he told Sir Gawaine, as he was obliged to do, that the husband should now kiss the wife, never had there been such an awesome silence, except for the gasps of the many ladies who fainted dead away (and a deal of these had first been made women of, from girls, by Sir Gawaine in his robust days, and without exception they loved him yet).

  Now Gawaine turned discreetly away for to take one deep breath, and then he turned back to kiss his abominable bride. And with her yellow talons she did lift her torn and filthy veil with all the dead flies in it...

  But when her face was fully exposed her skin was white and flawless, and more delicate than sendal, and her eyes were the bluest of gems and her hair was the color of spun gold. And now a sweet perfume came from her, like unto that borne by a spring breeze which hath come through an orchard in blossom. And her rags were magically transformed as well, and now her loveliest of figures was clothed in white lace fine as a cobweb
and it was trimmed with perfect pearls!

  And when he kissed her Sir Gawaine pressed his mouth against the softest and the sweetest lips he had ever tasted, and they were the color of the most delicate rose, and no diamond was so perfect and white as her teeth.

  And now the entire assemblage could gasp as one, in joy, and you can be sure that they did, for they all loved Sir Gawaine. Nor was anyone (except Gawaine himself) so happy as King Arthur!

  “Well, lady,” said Sir Gawaine when he had finished kissing her, “this is some change.”

  “Yea, and it is not an illusion,” said his bride, whose name was Ragnell. “For this is my proper aspect, as the other was altogether false, and I was condemned to show ugliness to the world by a wicked queen who cast a spell upon me. Nor could this enchantment be altered in any way until one of King Arthur’s knights would take me in marriage.”

  “Then,” said Sir Gawaine, “how fortunate it was for both of us that this happened as it did!” And he displayed the greatest feelings of bliss.

  “Thou hast nobly kept thy promise,” said Ragnell, “but I fear that thou hast been rewarded but by half. For even though I am married, I must yet assume the beastly guise at times—indeed, I am sorry to say, for half the time, dear Gawaine! And now thou must choose whether this is to be by day or by night.”

  And so was Gawaine plunged into half-despair, and he asked, “Whether day or night?”

  “Think carefully of the consequences,” said Ragnell. “If I am loathsome by day, then I shall be an obnoxious sight to all at Camelot, shaming thee before thy friends, but at night I shall be beautiful for thee to hold me in thine arms. But reversing this, if I am comely throughout the day I shall bring thee much honor in court, yet in the nights I shall be so foul as to sicken thee when we are chambered together.”

  And they stood yet before the altar, and all the persons gathered in that chapel wondered at their delay in going to the wedding feast.

  Now Sir Gawaine pondered on this matter, and then he said, “My dear sweet Ragnell, when thou art plain I shall not forget that thou wert beautiful not long before and that it will never be long before thou art beautiful once more.”