Arthur Rex

by Thomas Berger

  “And is he not married, Launcelot?” asked Guinevere.

  “Yea,” said he, “and to Isold’s former handmaiden the loyal Brangwain.”

  “Not a beautiful woman, by all report,” said Guinevere.

  “Nay,” said Sir Launcelot, “but Kaherdin loves her dearly.”

  “Methinks then,” said Guinevere, “that she be grateful and not proud.”

  And Sir Launcelot said, “Lady...”

  “’Twas not my beauty which attracted thee,” said Guinevere, “but rather my pride. Therefore can it be said that thou shalt never be banished by Prince Kaherdin?”

  “Lady,” said Launcelot, “perhaps it was neither thy beauty nor thy pride, but rather thy sense of power to which I addicted. I am not a leader, but am always led. I was Arthur’s mastiff, and then I became thy spaniel. I shall offer my neck to Kaherdin for whichever collar he might fasten around it.”

  “And dost not propose to take me along as thy bitch?” asked Guinevere. But she smiled upon him, for she was done with him forever.

  “Madam,” said Sir Launcelot, “I do not think you would be comfortable in any place where you were not the queen. But if you require my services at any time, for defense or protection, you have but to send for me and I will come on the moment.”

  And he bowed to her, and then she put forth her hand so that he might kiss it, which he did.

  “Now, Launcelot, prithee tell me this,” said she. “Dost think we together brought down the Round Table?”

  Now she did not ask this in mockery, but neither did she feel a great guilt about it, for Guinevere was proud (for she really was the most beautiful woman who ever lived).

  And Sir Launcelot answered deliberately, “Nay, lady. We were great sinners but we were not heretics! Had we not done what we did, God would no doubt have found another pretext, for is He not jealous of Heaven as the only perfect place?”

  And saying that he went away from the Tower of London, and he left Queen Guinevere for the last time.

  But he did not yet take ship for Lesser Britain. Instead, though the most loyal knight who ever lived, he did disobey his king again, as he had disobeyed him when he was commanded to surrender Guinevere for burning. And he did this for to save King Arthur’s life, as he had saved that of the queen. For Launcelot believed that without his help King Arthur would be overwhelmed by Mordred, and perhaps that was his vanity.

  Now we return to Sir Percival and Galahad, who had arrived at the castle of Joyous Garde too late, for Percival could not find the road there for a long time, and Galahad was too ill to travel fast, and he coughed much and he must needs to stop oft and to rest.

  And so when they reached Joyous Garde they were told by the ladies of the fight between sirs Launcelot and Gawaine and of the death of that great knight Sir Gawaine, and of the abduction of the queen by a detestable felon.

  And these ladies all were weeping, even unto those who had wagered on Sir Launcelot, for all of them grieved most piteously for Sir Gawaine. And young Galahad heard of this fight with unhappy wonderment, and then finally he heard why his father had been at Joyous Garde and of his criminal attachment to the queen.

  But Sir Percival drew him aside, and he said to him, “Galahad my friend, do not listen to this gossip, for though these be decent ladies, who can say what is the truth? Methinks it be unlikely that thy father would change from being the greatest knight into an adulterous traitor. I tell thee I have met Sir Launcelot and there is no finer man alive. I can not think that he fought against that great knight his dear friend Sir Gawaine. Rather, these ladies being in a state of female giddiness owing to the time of the full moon, conjoined with the dampness of the days here at this castle (which seemeth more grim than joyous), they suffered from an optical fantasy, and the knights they saw fighting were rather two wicked men, and ’twas the winner which abducted the queen.”

  Now Galahad, who was too young to know the ways of the world, was some cheered by what he was told by Sir Percival.

  And Galahad said, “Well, Sir Percival, we must go to the succor of one or the other, king or queen, for Arthur is challenged at Salisbury and Guinevere hath been carried away illegally.”

  “Now,” said Sir Percival, “according to these ladies both crimes are the work of the vile Sir Mordred! And how can this be possible? Therefore, how can they be believed as to the fight?” And he clapped Galahad on the shoulder, and he said jovially, “Come, my friend, let’s to the war! For if Sir Launcelot hath gone in pursuit of the queen, she has nothing to fear. And we, thou and I, are warriors. Come, we shall let some Saxon blood!”

  And Percival mounted his steed and Galahad mounted his own, and they both of them spurred their animals towards Salisbury Plain. But they had traveled no great distance before Galahad was ill again, and he coughed blood, and seeing a convent near by Sir Percival took him there, and there Galahad was nursed in a cell by a saintly old nun who bathed his head with Cologne-water and fed him warm broths.

  And neither Percival nor Galahad recognized her as Morgan la Fey, whom they had seen walking obscenely naked through the throne room at Camelot whilst Mordred had posed as king, for she had reformed absolutely. And with her tender care she restored Galahad at least temporarily, and then both knights prayed with her, and then they resumed their travel, and they carried with them a crucifix she had given them to take to King Arthur.

  Meanwhile Sir Launcelot had reached the plain at Salisbury, where the two armies were drawn up opposing each other, King Arthur on the one side with his small band of valiant knights, and on the other all the Angles and Saxons in the world and with them King Mark and his host of Cornishmen.

  But the battle had not yet begun, for the reason that King Mark and the Germans, when they first saw one another, were unhappily amazed, for each side had supposed that they would fight King Arthur alone and, when he was dead, get all of Britain for themselves. And Mordred being at that time many leagues away and occupied with the abduction of Guinevere, the ensuing quarrel had got so heated that these felons were ready to war on each other, for there is no love amongst criminals.

  And these allies were at swordspoint and were about to slaughter one another when Sir Mordred returned having ridden in such great haste that the stolen horse dropped dead with the effort.

  Now with the eloquence of a serpent Mordred did convince each party, by speaking to each aside, that he loved them the better, but that they needed the other’s help to defeat the fierce Arthur and his puissant knights of the Round Table. But to each he promised that when King Arthur was dead he Mordred would lead them in an attack on the other, whom they would destroy. (But privately he believed that the battle would be so deadly as to kill everybody but himself, leaving no one in Britain but the churls, over whom he would rule with Guinevere at his side.)

  Now when Sir Launcelot arrived there he came near the Saxon camp, and seeing one lone British knight (and not recognizing the device on his shield) an hundred German dastards did rush at him, with an intent to kill him foully, but though his right arm had been crippled by Sir Gawaine, so that he could not use it but rather carried it in a sling made from the petticoat of a lady-in-waiting, Sir Launcelot using his left arm only slew fifty of these felons from his horse, but then one of the remainder, who could not reach him with a weapon, did cowardly hamstring his steed with a battle-ax. And therefore Sir Launcelot fought the rest of his opponents on foot, and with his flashing sword he destroyed them all, and severed German heads did strew the field like unto melons at harvest-time.

  And Sir Launcelot would continue on to join the knights of King Arthur, but because of the command that he be banished, he believed he might do better to disguise himself, and therefore he hid his proper shield, with the lions rampant, and he took up a Saxon shield the which was round and in its center was a heavy iron boss all red with rust (for this backward people knew not how to make shining steel, nor did they have stuffs for their clothes, but wore hairy hides closed with thongs).

>   Now though Sir Percival and Galahad were delayed by Galahad’s illness, they had made good time in coming to join King Arthur, and when they reached the knights of the Round Table, Sir Percival brought young Galahad to the king straightway.

  And though he was a naïve knight, and did not for a moment believe that Sir Launcelot had an illegal attachment with the queen, Sir Percival forbore to mention to King Arthur that Galahad was the son of Launcelot, for he wished not to distract him on the eve of battle.

  Rather he said to him, “Sire, this young man is named Galahad, and he is the finest knight in the world, for at Camelot he sate upon the Siege Perilous with impunity. Nay, it burst into fiery letters which spelled his very name!”

  And King Arthur was amazed. “Then he who will come hath come at last,” said he, “and in the hour of my greatest need! Well, Galahad, kneel and become my last knight.” And the pale young man did so, and he looked so ill that King Arthur could not have believed him a knight were it not for his having sate in the Siege Perilous. Then he touched him with Excalibur, and he said, “Rise, Sir Galahad.”

  And Sir Galahad gave to King Arthur the crucifix which had been sent by him from the Little Sister of Poverty and Pain who had been formerly Morgan la Fey, and King Arthur looked at the figure of Our Lord and he saw above His head not the letters INRI but rather ACRB, which was to say, not Jesus of Nazareth King of the Jews but Arthur of Camelot King of Britain. And King Arthur thanked Sir Galahad for delivering this, but privately he put it aside, but he believed it blasphemous, for one, and for another he did not consider himself a martyr.

  And after this ceremony Sir Galahad must needs go and rest, for he was ill and sore weary, and taking his horse he went within the circle of Stonehenge and he lay down upon the ground and he slept.

  Now King Mark and the Cornish host foolishly attacked King Arthur and the knights of the Round Table without warning, for they seethed with indignation at their Saxon allies and would cleanse their bad blood in battle. And there were five thousand of them.

  But after they had charged upon King Arthur’s force their number was reduced by half, for at the far left extremity of Arthur’s shining line was Sir Launcelot (and he had gone there because he could use only his left arm), and he singlehanded slew two hundred men of Cornwall. And at the right end was Sir Percival, who did kill an hundred ninety-nine of these enemy and he wounded one mortally, who died within half an hour.

  And the other two thousand one hundred and one were killed in the center of Arthur’s line by sirs Lionel and Bors and Bedivere and Lamorak and Lucan the Butler, and sirs Gahalantine, Galihodin, and Galihud; Sir Nerouneus and Sir Plenorius, Sir Urre, sirs Blamor and Beloberis, both of Ganis; Sir Villiers the Valiant, Sir Harry le Fise, Sir Bellangere le Beuse, and Sir Clarius of Cleremont; and sirs Lavaine and Tirre, who were the brothers of Elaine the unfortunate maid of Astolat; and all the others, and all of them were knights of the greatest worship, including Sir Kay, who at this time did finally gain the prowess he had always longed for, and he destroyed ten of the enemy as if they were Cornish pasties.

  And then King Arthur looked sadly at the results of this carnage (for though he wished to defeat the enemy he deplored the bloodshed), and he sent a courier to King Mark asking that he meet him in the middle of the field under conditions of truce. And Mark agreed to this, and the two kings rode out alone to join each other.

  “Mark, my greeting to you,” said King Arthur.

  And King Mark replied, “God give you good day, royal Arthur.”

  “Now look you, Mark,” said King Arthur, “you are properly my vassal, yet never have I demanded tribute from you, and never have I punished you for your long-withheld expression of fealty. And I did not do this, because I have always been sensitive towards Cornwall owing to the unjust treatment of your predecessor Gorlois by my father Uther Pendragon, which resulted in my birth. But I can not tolerate your shameless treason.”

  “Well, Arthur,” said King Mark, “I think you a bad king for Britain, for else why should one of your knights come to me for help in overthrowing you? Clearly the Round Table hath not been a success, if one of your hand-picked knights doth revolt against it.” (And King Mark was an hypocrite, who had thought of this reason on the moment, for his true purpose here was to seek power.)

  “Now, Mark,” said King Arthur, “you know full well that I am the lawful king of Britain, whether good or bad, and that to take up arms against me be vile treason for whatever the cause.” (And Arthur could not tell him that Mordred was his bastard.)

  “But laws, Arthur,” said Mark, “are made by those who win battles.”

  And King Arthur said, “Even so. Look about the field and see your fallen, and none of my knights hath a scratch. Now what I propose to you is that we, you and I alone, meet in individual combat. I want no more of your Cornishmen killed on this field, for they too are my subjects. And if you so desire my crown on your head, then you must have the stomach to take it, or else be known more for your poltroonery than for your contumaciousness!”

  And King Mark waxed wroth at this taunt, for in truth his strength was not a thing of principle but rather his emotion at any given moment (and he had had a few fine impulses in his life, along with many bad). And he lowered his visor angrily, and he fewtered his lance, and then he charged on King Arthur.

  And when Mark rode down upon him King Arthur swung Excalibur twice. The first time he cut in twain the shaft of King Mark’s lance, and the second time he cut off his head.

  And then King Arthur went before the host of Mark, who had been watching this fight, and he spake as follows.

  “Cornish subjects! Ye have seen what happens to all traitors. Therefore return to your land of Cornwall and live there in peace, without fear of punishment, if ye promptly void this field. Stay, and ye shall all die. Leave, as my loyal subjects, and know my love.”

  And therefore this Cornish host did fall to its knees as a man and do homage to King Arthur, and they all swore their fealty to him. And then they rose and they went towards their home in Cornwall.

  But when they went over an hill and into the valley and were out of sight of King Arthur, their late allies the Angles and the Saxons seeing their depleted force fell upon them from ambush, and this German host did outnumber the men of Cornwall ten to one. And though Cornishmen were valiant warriors and each was worth nine Germans, these odds were too great and they were killed every one.

  But King Arthur nor none of his knights knew ought of this massacre, and many knights commended him for making peace with the Cornishmen without more fighting. And he was encouraged to believe that he might make a similar truce with the Germans, for whom he had no hate (though much contempt), and to convince them that they should return peaceably to their own land.

  And therefore he sent a message to them, but this was intercepted by Mordred (who had sent the Germans to destroy the host of the late King Mark), and when the Saxons returned with smoking swords and the high passions aroused in such a beastly people by killing, he said to them, “I have received from King Arthur a message in which he maketh great insult to the Angles and the Saxons, of whom he says those who are not vile sodomites are despicable cuckolds, and all are cowards!”

  Now the Germans did take no great offense at these words, because they knew themselves as just the men so characterized, and they were so shameless a folk as to believe this a mere description of themselves and not a judgment upon them, for they knew no moral scruples and were entirely pagan.

  Now seeing this Sir Mordred understood that he must give them something to fight for which would appeal to their felonious greed and vicious lust. And therefore he said, “Amongst the knights of the Round Table are many handsome men, and some of them are but youths with fair skin, and after this battle ye may use them as your catamites.” And the many sods amongst the Angles and the Saxons grunted in pleasure to hear this.

  And next Mordred said, “And for those of ye who like females, the British women are the
most beautiful in the world, and when we destroy these few knights of the Round Table, ye may ravish all the mothers, wives, and daughters and sisters in the land.” And the Germans did cheer vilely at this promise.

  But some were more interested in treasure than in flesh, and to them Sir Mordred said, “King Arthur keepeth, at the castle of Caerleon-upon-Usk, which is virtually unguarded, the lode of the Nibelungs, the which was stolen from Germany when your Sir Siegfried was foully murdered from behind by a cowardly British assassin!” For Mordred had made a study of the lore of this people, and he spake to them in their own tongue, the which was called Anglish and was so many grunts and squeaks.

  Now with his serpent’s tongue Mordred soon brought these pagans to a murderous frenzy in which they would have smote their own brothers. And they built huge fires and they erected altars to their obscene gods and they made barbarous blood-sacrifices. And they sounded horns and they screamed and howled whilst dancing in circles detestably naked, with their privities exposed indecently.

  And this noise was heard in the British camp, and King Arthur and his knights believed that it signified the Germans’ joy that there would be no war, whereas it was just the opposite.

  And King Arthur said, “Come, let us visit these fellows and embrace them in friendship, for a Saxon despite appearances is human and if he be a heathen yet, it is doubtless only for the reason that the missionaries have not yet reached his wild land.”

  And Arthur and his knights did ride across the field, and they were not in the order of battle, and the king did carry below the point of his lance a banner with the picture of the Mother of God upon it.

  And the Germans were so distracted by their heathenish rituals that they did not see the British until they arrived before their camp. And had his purpose not been peaceful King Arthur could have killed them all.