Redemption

by LK Shaw

  Connor cleared his throat before answering. “Miles, what are you doing here?”

  “Bryce badgered me into coming. In fact, I was just looking for him when I spotted you. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He didn’t need to ask what I meant.

  “I’ve known you for years, Miles. I’ve never seen any indication that you were in the lifestyle. You always spoke of your relationship with Lindsay in vanilla terms. A Dom and sub’s relationship dynamic is a personal thing. I wasn’t under the impression that you had an interest so there was no reason to share with you my sexual inclinations.”

  I understood what he was saying, but I was still a little hurt that I hadn’t known this about him. It didn’t matter since now I knew. I had a feeling I would never look at Bridget and him the same way again though.

  Connor interrupted my thoughts. “Why did Bryce invite you, anyway?”

  “He thought I would have ‘fun’.”

  “And are you? Having fun, that is?”

  Was I having fun? At the moment, no. But not long ago, with Jasmine? While I wouldn’t consider our time together fun, it was an experience I would be more than happy to repeat. Which made me think of something.

  “Do you know Mistress Jasmine?”

  A wary expression crossed his face. “What do you know about Mistress Jasmine?”

  “I met her this evening.” I hesitated because I was reluctant to share my experience with her with anyone. I suddenly understood why Connor hadn’t shared details of his relationship with Bridget. However, my need to see Jasmine again overrode my reluctance to talk about what had transpired between us. I knew the only way I’d see her again was if I did as she suggested and asked my friend about domination. She’d meant Bryce, but now that I knew Connor was a part of this, I needed the information to come from him. How I knew this, I wasn’t sure. But something told me Connor was the one who needed to explain it to me.

  “What can you tell me about Domination and submission? About power exchange?”

  He turned to his fiancée, Bridget, and spoke too softly in her ear for me to hear. I read the “Yes, Sir” on her lips before she bussed his lips and left us alone. I realized then that at no time during our conversation had she looked either of us directly in the eye. Her submissive behavior was blatantly evident.

  “Follow me.” Connor directed us to the bar on the far right side of the room. He picked two seats at the farthest end.

  “Have a seat,” he directed. “Now, why are you asking me about D/s? And most especially about Jasmine?”

  I shifted uncomfortably on the bar stool, hesitant about sharing with Connor what had happened between Jasmine and me. Thankfully, he waited patiently until I was ready.

  “She took me to a private room.”

  Connor cursed under his breath, and I noticed him clenching and unclenching his fists. Why did what happened between Jasmine and me seem to bother him so much? He got his anger under control and gave me his full attention. Whatever had bothered him was gone, and a blank expression now graced his face.

  “I don’t want explicit details, but in a vague way, can you tell me what happened? I know Jasmine, so my next question is, did you enjoy the experience? And I don’t mean the sexual aspect of it. I mean the emotional aspect. The power exchange.”

  I gathered my thoughts, focusing on everything he was asking me. Even though Jasmine had mentioned the term ‘power exchange’, I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant.

  “Remember the former president and the intern? That, only in reverse. Honestly, I felt freer than I have since…” I trailed off, my mind instantly, and without conscious thought, taking me back to that day. Damn it. For one night, I thought I would be free of my demons. Apparently, demons don’t take a vacation. Malcolm’s blood-covered face flashed in my head, his eyes staring at me in condemnation. My eyes squeezed tightly shut in hopes of blocking out the vision.

  Connor’s voice sounded tinny and far away in my ear. “Miles? Miles?”

  Pain bit into my arm as I was jerked back to the here and now. My gaze dropped to see Connor’s fingers digging into my bicep. I quickly looked up at him, and he removed his fingers from my arm.

  “Sorry, um, just daydreamed for a minute there. Anyway, I enjoyed the encounter. In fact, I’d like a repeat of the experience. However, I was told to learn about submission before I could return. So, here’s me, wanting to learn.”

  Connor stared at me for several tense minutes, and I waited for him to ask me what the fuck just happened. I tried to play off my “episode”, but I knew something more than just a daydream had taken place a second ago. I prayed he wouldn’t comment on it. A defeated sigh escaped him, and I knew he would let it go. This time.

  “I know it’s Sunday, but come see me at the office tomorrow. I’ll explain whatever it is you need to know and answer any questions you might have. 10:00 am, my office.”

  Without even a good-bye, he left me sitting there alone, chaos that I refused to acknowledge still echoing in my mind.

  Chapter 9

  Not even an hour after arriving home, someone began pounding on my door. Irritated at the disruption, I grumbled beneath my breath as I stomped to open it. I hadn’t even had it cracked before Connor came barreling in.

  “What the fuck were you thinking, Josie?”

  Wow, I’d never seen Connor this worked up before. His hair was mussed as though he’d run his fingers through it multiple times. He didn’t even pause for breath before continuing his tirade, all the while pacing back and forth in the middle of my living room.

  “How many times have I told you you’re going to get your heart broken? Do you really think that Miles can be the submissive you need? I know you’ve been in love with the man for years, but have you really thought this through?”

  I didn’t answer until he finally stopped pacing and glared at me from across the room. I crossed my arms over my chest and puffed it out to emphasize the point I was about to make.

  “Something about what happened between Miles and me tonight must have struck a chord with him because you’re here, aren’t you? He understood what he was doing when he went to you, Connor. I was explicit that I was the one in control, in charge. If he wanted to explore submission, he needed to ask a friend about it. While I didn’t expect him to ask you, although I’d rather it be you than Bryce, he asked. Which means something to me. I never knew I was a Dominant until I met you, Connor. Maybe Miles didn’t know he was submissive until he met me.”

  Connor sighed in clear frustration. “But he didn’t meet you, Josie. He met Mistress Jasmine. How do you think he’s going to react when he finds out you and she are one and the same? And that you didn’t tell him? You and I both know he’s not been the same since killing Malcolm.”

  With those words, my overinflated ego flattened. Damn. Connor was right about everything. I hadn’t thought this all the way through, which wasn’t like me. I always saw the bigger picture. The end goal. Regret weighed heavy on my soul. I had only been trying to show Miles that we were meant to be together. My need for him overrode rational thinking. Six years was a long time to wait for someone. Even still, knowing how fragile Miles was right now, though he’d deny it to his dying breath, I shouldn’t have pushed. I’d waited this long. A little longer wouldn’t have killed me. Now, I was afraid I’d destroyed any hope of being with him.

  I looked at Connor helplessly. “I’m in so much trouble, aren’t I?

  Connor embraced me in one of his hugs that, until now, always made me feel better. “You know you are, Little Bit.”

  Shit. Connor hadn’t called me that since I was nineteen. It brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of a time when I had felt powerless, kind of like right now. I knew what I needed to do, but I was fighting it with every fiber of my being. Although I knew I’d give in. I had to. For both Miles’ sake and mine.

  “I’ll tell him as soon as I can. Maybe he won’t be mad.”

  I ignored Connor’s look of disbelief a
s I pulled out of his embrace. Let me live in my world of delusion. Everything was sparkly and bright in here.

  “What did you tell him about D/s?” I asked, attempting to plan my next step.

  “Nothing, yet. My fiancée was waiting for me, and she takes precedence over whatever it was Miles wanted to know. You’d left so it wasn’t as though the information was imperative at the moment. He’s coming to the office in the morning. Which, by the way, you owe me for. My Sundays are spent with Bridget, her dad, and Alex. Not on educating your sub.”

  A smile lit up my face despite the seriousness of our conversation. “My sub?”

  “While I’m still cautioning you, you have a point in that Miles did ask me about submission. He’s obviously not ruling it out. And to be honest, I think it would be good for him. We both know that submission is two-fold. It’s both about giving up control and yet, at the same time, holding all the power. I think that’s something Miles needs. No matter how hard he tries to hide it, I know Malcolm’s death affected him. I was there that day. I saw how he reacted. He was in shock.”

  “Wouldn’t you be in shock if you killed someone?”

  “You weren’t,” he countered.

  My mind went back to that day almost ten years ago.

  Where was the maid? That was my first thought as I closed the door behind me. She always greeted me at the door when I came home. Granted, I was here a day early, but I wanted to surprise my family. I was on break from college, and I was excited to spend the time off with my mom and younger sister. I cocked my head when I thought I heard a muffled sound from upstairs, but when it didn’t come again, I figured I must have just imagined it. Instead, an eerie silence now reigned throughout the house, which was highly unusual.

  “Mom? Casey?” I knew Dad would be at work at this time of day. When no answer came, I started up the stairs toward Casey’s room. Maybe she had her headphones on and hadn’t heard me. The closer I got to the top of the stairs, the more my stomach hurt, and a knot began forming deep in my belly. A sharp cry rent the air.

  I raced down the hallway toward the sound coming from Casey’s room. The cries grew louder, and as I reached the door, another, more sinister, sound joined. My mind denied what I was hearing, as if it refused to process the sounds. As though watching someone else, I saw a hand reach out for the doorknob and turn it. The door opened quietly, and I stood there, for how long, I can’t remember, in shock and denial at what was happening in front of my eyes. When another cry, this one more pained, echoed in the air, my body reacted, and the scream of a berserker escaped me.

  I raced forward, and just as the man on top of my little sister turned to see who’d interrupted his defilement, I began clawing and scratching at his face, determined to stop him. He pushed me away, causing me to stumble and fall to the floor. He rose from the bed, a lingering look of pleasure still gracing his hated face. As though he hadn’t been caught in the most despicable act, he casually buttoned his pants and walked out of the room.

  For several brief moments, I lay there, stunned, unable to believe what had just happened. Blinding rage overcame me then, and I barreled out of the room, chasing the man I knew well since he was an associate of my father’s and had visited the house often. I heard a noise from the kitchen and followed it. There stood that mother fucker, without a care in the world, drinking a glass of wine, the bottle and a piece of paper on the counter next to him.

  He tipped his glass at me in salute. “Mmm. Almost as good as your sister.”

  A burning hatred, unlike anything I’d ever known, coursed through me. Without conscious thought or regard to consequences, I grabbed the knife from the butcher block on the counter and charged the rapist in front of me, stabbing that son of a bitch in the chest. The surprised expression on his face would have otherwise been comical. He collapsed to his knees, then fell face down, wine and blood mingling together on the floor.

  “To be honest, I think I was shell-shocked when I first realized what I’d done,” I said softly, still slightly lost to the memories. “But the sight of my baby sister retreating into herself more and more each day cured me of that real quick. I truly have no regrets about what I did. My only regret is that I didn’t see what was happening sooner. How could I have not sensed how withdrawn Casey had been since I’d gone off to college? I blame myself that irreparable damage was done to her. She’s never been the same.”

  “You know what happened to Casey is not your fault, Josie. It’s that bastard father of yours. And even as close as Miles and I are, killing someone who was raping your little sister before your very eyes and killing someone to protect your friend isn’t quite the same. He hides it, but I know Miles isn’t dealing well with the aftermath. I’ve tried encouraging him to talk to someone, but he keeps telling me he’s fine. Until it starts affecting his job performance, there is nothing I can do to force the issue. Once he gets over the betrayal of your deception, because we both know that’s how he’ll feel, I hope you can help him heal. Now, that’s all I’m going to say on the issue. Just be careful in how you handle this, Josephine. I don’t want to see either of you hurt. You’ve both suffered enough in your lives.”

  Connor embraced me one more time, with a brotherly kiss to the forehead before I walked him to the door. I had some serious thinking to do tonight, because I knew Connor was right. I needed to tell Miles sooner, rather than later. It wouldn’t be fair to him.

  Chapter 10

  At precisely 10:00 am, I walked into Blacklight Securities. I’d stewed all night about whether I really wanted to walk down this road. It was the first night my mind had been occupied by something other than death. Each time I thought about my night, Mistress Jasmine’s mask-covered face flashed in my mind and each time, I decided, yes, I wanted to know what submitting to her would be like. Whether it turned out to be for me or not, I had no idea. But, I didn’t want to add one more regret to my life. It was already full enough with them.

  “Enter.” Connor’s voice sounded behind the closed door after I knocked.

  I entered his office and headed to my usual spot, the love seat that butted up against the wall next to the bar. Considering it was still morning, I avoided pouring myself a glass of Jameson. Blacklight Securities’ clientele was high profile, so Connor kept a well-stocked bar of top-shelf liquor in his office for clients. Nothing like booze to schmooze with the upper-class folks.

  I waited patiently as Connor reviewed paperwork on his desk. After a few minutes, my patience began to wear thin, and just as I started to say something, he removed his reading glasses, set them on the desk, and reclined in his chair.

  “Well then, I guess we’ll get right into it. Tell me what you know about BDSM.”

  I thought about things I’d heard, which, truthfully, wasn’t much. “I have a swinger friend who’s told me some things, but it was more about partner swapping and not much more than that. I know it has to do with tying people up and hitting them. You know, whips and chains, and such. Kinky shit like that.”

  Connor blinked. And blinked again. Then, his head dropped to his chest, and he burst out laughing. After he got himself under control, he looked at me, an occasional chuckle continuing to escape.

  “Sorry. It just cracks the shit out of me what people think BDSM is. No wonder the vanilla community thinks we’re freaks. Let me educate you, my friend. We’ll start with the basics. BDSM stands for several things: bondage and discipline, Domination and submission, and sadism and masochism. Because you said Jasmine told you to specifically ask about submission, we’ll start there. Submission is different for everyone. It’s about giving up control and trusting your Dom to know what you need, even when you don’t. It’s about communication. It’s also about power.”

  At this, I had to interrupt, because I didn’t understand how submission equated to power. “I’m confused. If I’m submitting to someone, how in the hell does that make me powerful? When I think submission, I think weakness.” Except I hadn’t felt weak at all last night.


  “Ever hear of power exchange?”

  I nodded. “Mistress Jasmine mentioned it, but didn’t explain what it was.”

  “There’s a dynamic between a Dom and his, or her, sub called a power exchange. It isn’t always about sex. It’s about that emotional connection. You trust your Dom to give you what you need: sexually, emotionally, or spiritually. You give her the power. Hence, power exchange. However, if there comes a time where you can’t take what your Dom is giving you, you use a safe word and whatever is happening stops.”

  He waited while I processed what he was telling me. I guess it made sense, sort of. I still didn’t understand how I could be submissive. I mean, I got the sexual concept. Being told how to pleasure Mistress Jasmine hadn’t been a hardship. Apparently, I liked a bossy woman. What I didn’t understand was the emotional and spiritual aspect. Maybe it was one of those things you needed to put into practice to understand.

  “Okay, I get the safe word. If I’m with Jasmine and she does something I don’t like, I can say a word, and she has to stop what she’s doing?”

  “Yes. This is where the trust comes in. Jasmine is going to push you past where you’re comfortable. I know this for a fact. You have to trust her to catch you when you fall. Domination and submission are extremely cathartic. They both allow you to purge your emotions without fear of judgment. Keeping your emotions bottled up inside you isn’t healthy, Miles.”

  I ignored Connor’s pointed stare.

  “What about you, Connor? From what I witnessed last night, you’re clearly a Dominant. How does it feel to be able to tell Bridget what to do and she has to listen to you?”

  As though I’d said something hilarious, Connor burst out laughing again. I was getting a little irritated at him laughing at my expense.

  “Have you not met my fiancée? Do you really think I tell Bridget what to do under normal circumstances? And that she would actually listen to me if I did? She’d rip my balls off.” His expression changed from jovial to serious in the blink of an eye. “I’m only sharing this because you need to be educated to make an informed decision if this thing with Jasmine is truly something you want to pursue. Otherwise, what goes on in Bridget’s and my sex life is none of your damn business.”