Redemption

by LK Shaw

  “Feeling better?”

  My eyes opened to find Connor standing above me.

  “Immensely. I’m glad Bryce reminded me of what I needed to do. It was definitely what the doctor ordered.”

  “Good. Now, are you ready to grovel at my feet for your job because you regret quitting?”

  I laughed at his words. “Not quite yet. I still don’t think it’s a terrible idea. Although, I am re-thinking it. Rash decisions aren’t always the best decisions.”

  “That’s true. You need to talk to Miles, Josie. Neither one of you can move forward until then.” He paused briefly, as though debating whether to speak further. He must have decided it was something I needed to hear, because he continued. “You know he’s seeing a therapist, right?”

  That was a surprise. I never would have imagined that Miles would seek outside help. He’d always thought he could handle things himself. I was happy for him. It certainly showed he was trying to defeat his ghosts. I was proud of him. Not sure what it meant for us, if anything, but I was glad he was doing what he could to help himself.

  “No, I had no idea.”

  “He is. I’ve noticed a difference in him the past few days. Go see him. Talk things through.”

  I exhaled a sigh, because I knew Connor was right. It was time.

  Chapter 23

  I’d been sitting at my desk when the knock startled me. I looked up and pleasure coursed through me at the sight of Josie standing there. I hadn’t spoken to her in almost a week. Not since she’d let her secret out. Plus, I still recovering from the sting of discovering she was Mistress Jasmine, even though I’d mostly forgiven her. Especially after my discussion with Dr. Parrish and realizing that I wanted a future with Josie. Now, I was anxious to speak with her. I’d finally set aside most of my anger and my resistance to submitting to Josie and was ready to embrace everything she had to offer me.

  “Hey there.” I spoke softly, unsure how our encounter was about to go.

  “Hi. Can I come in?”

  I stood swiftly and gestured for her to have seat. “Of course.”

  She closed my office door and settled into the chair.

  “I’m sor—”

  “So, wha—”

  We chuckled awkwardly as we both started speaking at once.

  I bade her to continue. “Go ahead.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was Mistress Jasmine sooner. I know you feel betrayed and confused. It was never my intention to hurt you, Miles. I’ve wanted, no, needed you for so long that I didn’t think things through. I’m sorry.”

  “I understand, and I’ve forgiven you. It took a lot of courage for you to bare yourself to me that night. At the time, it felt like a betrayal of our friendship. But, I can understand why you did it. My self-pity has been out of control. I know this now. I’m working on fixing it. Getting my mind right.”

  She smiled softly. “I heard you were seeing someone about that. I’m proud of you. I know it takes a lot of courage to talk to a stranger about your problems.”

  I blushed a little at her praise. “I didn’t just do it for me, you know?”

  A crease appeared in the middle of her forehead; she looked puzzled at my statement.

  “I did it for you. For us. I’ve learned a few things about myself during the couple of sessions I’ve had with Dr. Parrish. Things I’ve refused to admit.”

  “Oh, Miles.” She appeared dumfounded as she lifted her fingers to her lips in surprise.

  “I’m not saying that everything is roses, but I’m figuring shit out. Or at least trying to.”

  “I’m happy for you, Miles. Truly, I am.”

  “I’ve talked about you a lot. My feelings and insecurities. I even admitted my curiosity about submission and how it can help me. At first, I wasn’t sure how comfortable I’d be talking about that with her, but she never batted an eye or looked like she was judging me. Eventually, the words just started pouring out. I’ve also been talking a lot with Connor. He’s opened my eyes to what submission could do for me. To help me get rid of this guilt. It’s suffocating me, Josie.”

  As if on cue, a heaviness developed in my chest and began to grow as Malcolm’s accusatory face suddenly appeared like an apparition behind Josie. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the spirit I knew wasn’t real. The pressure grew enough that I couldn’t catch a full breath, and black spots danced in my vision, as the regret demonstrated its power and control over me. I vaguely thought I heard my name being called, but the sound was so dim and faded I couldn’t be sure. Then, it was quiet. Pressure built against my face, then a wetness against my mouth startled me back to awareness as I realized that Josie’s lips were pressed against mine, her tongue teasing my seam for entrance. A sharp yank to my hair roused me even further and banished the crippling heaviness.

  Unconsciously, I opened to the unspoken command as Josie’s tongue burst past the opening and swept the inside of my mouth. She sipped and drank from me as though parched, and I was her only sustenance. Of their own accord, my hands pulled her hips into mine, our lips never breaking contact. The kiss went on, neither of us willing to break our tenuous connection.

  Her citrus scent tickled my nose, while the softness of her hips beneath my hands had my fingers twitching. Josie pulled slightly away, sucking my lower lip between hers, and a bolt of arousal shot through me when she nipped it with her even, white teeth. Our hips were still connected, and her arms remained wrapped around my neck as she arched back slightly to look me in the eyes.

  “What happened just now?” She spoke softly, testing my response to the possible trigger question.

  I wanted to deny anything even though we both knew it would have been a lie. But one of the most important things Dr. Parrish had stressed to me was that I needed to communicate when I was struggling. I also knew that if I were to enter a D/s relationship with Josie, she would need to be aware of any triggers I might have. Which meant I had to disclose things. Uncomfortable things. Things I would much rather push way deep down inside and forget about. But I couldn’t.

  “I couldn’t breathe. It was as though an elephant rested on my chest making me physically unable to inhale. Dr. Parrish says I have PTSD. And it comes with lots of fun features like panic attacks. Malcolm likes to visit me at unexpected times. He’s that uninvited house guest who overstays their welcome.”

  “God, Miles, I’m so sorry.”

  I shrugged a little. “I’m trying to deal with it. I can only take it day by day.”

  Something had been on my mind for a couple days now, and I knew I needed to take the leap, but my toes were stuck at the end of the diving board, and I just keep staring down at the deep end of the pool. I couldn’t force my feet to move, so I didn’t want to mention anything about my plan in case I continued to remain frozen in fear and uncertainty.

  Josie’s fingers threaded through my hair. “I could command you to come to Eden, but I haven’t earned that right as your Domme yet. But, when you’re ready to embrace your submissive side, you know where to find me. The release you’ll experience will be unlike any you’ve ever had before.”

  It was scary how well this woman knew me. I’d been working up the nerve to come to Eden. To meet Josie on her terms. I just had to plug my nose, close my eyes, and jump.

  Chapter 24

  I’d been seeing Dr. Parrish for a few weeks now, and we’d spent several sessions discussing my yearnings to submit to Josie. After talking over my fears and insecurities, I finally decided I was ready to take that leap and learn how my complete submission could help me let all these emotions inside me go. I wouldn’t be allowed to think. The guilt and regret would have no room when the pleasure took over. Pain and pleasure would drown out everything, and my only focus would be on pleasing my Mistress and releasing the pent up toxic emotions. Josie and I had also started talking more often. No longer did we leave the room when the other entered. We’d truly begun to communicate.

  Tonight was the night. My visit to Eden h
ad already been cleared through the owners, and it was the first time I was going to be there knowing full well I was meeting Josie and not Jasmine.

  Philip greeted me at the door, and the thump thump of the music coming from the common area reverberated through me as I got closer. Even knowing I’d have on more clothing than many of the people in here, I was twitchy about walking into the room wearing only a pair of low-slung leather pants. For the first time since starting to come here, I wasn’t wearing a shirt. I wasn’t self-conscious about my body; I mean I went to the gym. But in here, nakedness felt different. It was more.

  As I stepped into the room, my eyes immediately began scanning the room for Josie. Bryce told me she’d most likely be at the rope suspension area. Rope was her area of expertise. I’d researched rope play after I’d been given this tidbit of info. It had me intrigued. The overall concept of being tied up sounded kinky, and I was totally on board, but from the things I’d read, it was more than that.

  It was all about trust and definitely about giving up control. You were bound, yet completely exposed. There was definitely no hiding. You were helpless and at the mercy of the person who controlled the scene. I’d read in one article about the pleasure submissives experienced even after they were untied, because the patterns left on their skin by the rope was a symbol of what their master had done to them. It was as though they’d been branded. It was almost a sign of ownership, which pleased both partners. I was both anxious and nervous to experience it.

  It was then that I spotted her. I remained where I was, observing her in her element. The expression on her face was one I’d seen only once: the first, and only, time we’d played. Jealousy coursed through me, even if I didn’t have the right to feel it. I’d pushed Josie away, so I had no claim on her. But seeing her with another man, even if they weren’t having intercourse, had me seeing red. Especially when I could sense the euphoria radiating off her. Her determined and focused expression as she tied knot after knot around the male sub’s bound arms had me seething. I was hers. But no matter how jealous I was, I held myself back. I’d been educated on how important it was to not interrupt a scene already in play. So, I waited.

  After what felt like hours, Josie finally had the sub unbound. A man joined them and began stroking the sub’s hair. He bent down and pressed a soft kiss to the male’s head before helping him onto his feet. Hand-in-hand they walked away from the area and sat on a nearby couch. I saw the Dom direct the sub to lie down and place his head on the Dom’s lap. He continued providing aftercare, and I had to look away. Continuing to watch them seemed like an invasion of privacy. What was going on between them was special, and they didn’t need me gawking. Instead, I headed over to where Josie stood with her back to me as she talked to another woman.

  When I reached her, I dropped to my knees, sat back on my heels, placed my hands on my thighs, and bowed my head. Then, I prayed. Something I hadn’t done since I was a kid. A soft gasp sounded above me, but I remained still.

  “Miles? What are you doing here?” I hated how hesitant her voice now sounded. Especially after the confidence I’d seen in her only moments ago.

  “I’m here for you, Mistress.” Then I took a deep breath and raised my head to look her straight in the eye. I wanted her to recognize how sincere my actions were. “I’m yours. Tonight. Tomorrow. For however long you’ll have me. I want you to show me how to heal, Josie. I can’t do this without you. So, here I am. Humbling myself before you. I’m yours to command. To control.”

  Neither of us moved for the longest time. After the pain I’d caused her, I knew Josie was hesitant. All I could do was hope she took pity on me quickly. Kneeling for her felt right when I first did it. But my submission was for her alone. While I didn’t know if her intent was to make me suffer, I grew uncomfortable with the attention that was being given to us. I remained stiffly kneeling, forcing myself not to fidget. If this was what she needed, what she thought I needed, then this was what I would do… for the both of us.

  Finally, a spark entered her eye. A twinkle that had been lacking since I’d pushed her away two weeks ago. She stepped over to me and drew my head to rest against her stomach. Hesitantly, I raised my hands from my thighs and wrapped them around her waist, pulling her even closer, and I breathed in her citrus smell. We remained embracing, essentially forgetting everyone around us. Eventually, she took a step back, and my hands returned to my thighs. Then I bowed my head again and waited to see what would happen next.

  Her hand appeared in my vision as she tipped my chin up to look at her again. Josie’s expressions had always been so easy to read. The emotion I was seeing now was not one that had ever been directed at me. She was focused, stern, yet loving. Her next words came out confident, strong, and powerful. Immediately, I knew who was in charge.

  “There’s no turning back now, Miles. This is it. It’s all or nothing. You can’t come back and say you didn’t fully understand what you were doing when you agreed to this submission. This is who I am, Miles. It’s who I’ll always be. I also think this is who you are as well. I will never do anything to break your trust, but I will push you past the point of comfort. You just have to embrace this side of you. Let go of everything else. All your preconceived notions need to be tossed out the window. Release your fears, your guilt, your regret. Don’t think. Feel. By surrendering yourself, you’ll take back control. Just submit. Can you do that, Miles?”

  Every word out of her mouth scared the shit of me. I’d been living with this guilt for so long, it was almost as though it was now a part of me. I wasn’t sure I knew how to let go. For her, though, I would do my damnedest.

  “Yes, Mistress.”

  A smile unlike one I’d ever seen before lit up Josie’s entire face. Power unlike any I’d ever known surged through me knowing I was the one who put that expression on her face. A rush came over me as adrenaline coursed through my veins. Excitement beat like a drum inside my chest. I was taking a leap of faith. Plunging into unchartered territory. It was a heady feeling.

  “Then come, Miles.” Before we moved from the suspension area, she reached down to grab a bag I hadn’t even noticed lying on the floor. Unlike the two previous times, she didn’t take my hand as she walked toward the familiar back hallway. It was as though she needed to know I followed her of my own accord. Not because she was pulling me along with her, but rather, I freely went with her because I wished to go wherever she led.

  Chapter 25

  When I’d turned and spotted Miles on his knees before me, I blinked a few times to make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me. His submissive pose had my heart almost beating out of my chest and a lump forming in my throat. This was what I’d been waiting years for. To see this man, my man, on his knees. Not in defeat, but as a way to take back control. Because even though he was bowing to me, he held the power of this relationship in the palm of his hands. I might be leading this dance, but Miles was more powerful than he could ever know. It was now up to me to help him unleash that power.

  Once he’d admitted his need to submit, I picked up the bag that housed all my toys, including the bundles of rope I loved so much. Rope was made from a wide selection of materials, and I’d experimented with almost all of them. There were lovely ones, including hemp, which was a little more “starchy” than I preferred, but it left beautiful marks along the skin. For Shibari, I adored my jute. One of my all-time favorites was made of bamboo silk. I really only used it for “bedroom” bondage, mostly because of the soft, butter-like texture. The feel of it running through my fingers brought chills to my spine. I couldn’t wait to see it lining Miles’ body.

  The last two times we’d walked down the hallway, I’d held his hand as though leading a child. Tonight, he needed to be with me of his own accord, so after I got my bag, I turned my back and walked away, leaving him to come with me or not. The choice had to be his and his alone. No longer could I use my seductive wiles to persuade him to see things my way. Both of us needed to be clear-headed.


  My heart skipped a beat when I heard Miles get to his feet and begin trailing behind me. I refused to turn my head and acknowledge him though. When I approached Damian, his eyes scanning the area behind me, he spoke low.

  “Room 8 is available for your pleasure, Mistress.”

  I nodded my thanks and headed straight to the last room that Miles and I had shared. The night I exposed my identity to him. This was the room where everything truly began between us. I wanted to expunge the previous bad memories, including the argument that ensued, and replace it with lush, pleasurable memories. I needed to remember to take things slow. Acquaint Miles with my specific tastes and expectations of a sub. I swore this time there would be full disclosure and communication. It was vital for our relationship to thrive.

  The snick of the door closing behind me had me exhaling a breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding. My entire posture relaxed, and my heart rate accelerated with wonder at what the rest of the night would entail. Without turning around, I spoke.

  “Please remove the rest of your clothing and place it neatly on the chair. You will then present yourself as you did out there, only your hands will be clasped together at the small of your back. You will not speak unless I tell you to speak. You will keep your head bowed until I give you permission to raise it. You will not touch me unless I allow it. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, Mistress.”

  “Your safe word remains red. You may also use yellow if you need things to slow down. Understand?”

  “Yes, Mistress.”

  I continued fiddling with my bag of tricks even though it was strictly to buy myself some time while I calmed down and gathered my control. I was the teacher now. My mind raced through all the things I needed to do to help Miles. This was going to be the biggest step of my life, and I couldn’t screw it up. Both of us were depending on me.