Necessarily Evil- Prophecy

by Shad N Freud

  Her powers had prevented her from pursuing a career among the regular clergy, and Camilla was a little too…brutal to become an assassin within the Hand. Instead, she worked her way up the ranks in an artillery division before being picked up to join the Rangers, where she met Sachiko Hernandez. Best friends almost immediately, they went on two tours to the Middle East together, enjoyed their twenty-first birthdays together… got matching tattoos on their ankles after too many shots of Patron together. That same young woman that saved her ass from a lich was starting to pile even more sand on the bipedal crocodilian, using a knife to apply wet sand to the sculpture and to cut away parts that did not fit her vision. Jin used his mastery of fire to make small glass soldiers for the highly impressive sand castle taking shape.

  Someone had thrown a towel over the exposed tiefling because children were present and watching the sand castle get erected, offering helpful advice about this and that the children felt were missing from the slowly developing monolith. One child noticed the scaly cornerstone of the castle and the supposedly sleeping lizardman looking right at him, one eye closing in a wink at him before both eyes closed again, the scaly man playing along.

  Camilla laughed as Sachi and Jin bowed to applause for their efforts, only to watch their grand castle’s eastern tower topple as a giant kaiju-like crocodile monster laid waste to the defenses, roaring in victory. The children shrieked with glee as they watched Zeke run from the firework like spells Jin threw well above his head, while Sachi organized sand-catapult details to fling pails of wet sand at the fleeing lizards. Leaving them to their fun, Camilla walked back to dry land, where Carl was sitting in a lawn chair and reading something on his phone.

  He looked up as she drew closer, before smirking at the display with the kids, and going back to his phone. “Got confirmation, we’ll be leaving for Hong Kong in two days. So, tell the gang to enjoy their respite. We might not get another for a while.”

  Camilla nodded and made her way over to Cenere, who was still asleep, dead to the world. She looked at the now empty bucket of beers and pulled the bucket out of the sand. With an evil leer, she tossed the bucket of ice water at the sleeping tiefling and laughed as he jumped like a scalded cat. Five minutes of chasing, laughing, and Cenere covering himself up with his towel later, the group was assembled. Camilla told everybody what was going on, as Carl had wandered off, making his way to the roach motel they’d grabbed a room at. The group agreed that Carl needed his privacy and decided to go into town, to see the sights.

  ∞∞∞

  Deep in the darkest part of the abyss, Cthulhu rolled over in his sleep as a dark, black mist took form. Ink screamed furiously as she reappeared only to pause, bewildered by the fact that she wasn’t dead. She’d felt her body disintegrate, her very soul burn away as she crumbled to dust. She looked up at her dread lord and prostrated herself before her God.

  Cthulhu’s bulbous, inky-black eyes opened for a moment, and Ink felt an immense pressure wave move her deeper into the gray silt that blanketed everything in the Abyss and cried out in pain. She felt more than heard the voice of her God, as every atom in her being reverberated intensely. In her mind, an image began to coalesce, a slender man with ragged black clothing that might once have been a finely tailored suit, black hair that needed a washing to get out the pervasive grease that kept it slicked back, and painfully pale skin. He stood wearing a pair of black sunglasses and smiled a shark’s grin at her as he turned around to look at her.

  “Ink, Ink, Ink…whatever am I to do with you? Do you realize how hard it is to reintegrate someone whose soul has been burned away? Were time not an issue, I’d make you stay incorporeal for another sixty-seven years to try and teach you a lesson.” He sighed, showing his annoyance. “As it is, I need you. With the exception of Malak, your compatriots are somewhat…rudderless? Is that the term? Anyways, I need you working with them. Legion is brilliant but it does take him a while to get consensus from all of his souls. Marduk is brilliant as well but he’s a baseball bat where I need a scalpel, and Kali is a little too…enthusiastic when she gets to killing. You’re the only one I can trust to accomplish anything subtle. Well, whenever that Beaumont sized boil on my ass isn’t the one you’ve got to deal with.”

  “My Lord, I can’t thank you enough for sparing me. I am, of course, at your service.”

  “Of course, you are, my dear! I own you, after all. Like I own every single particle of the Abyss. But, it’s always good to hear those words spoken with sincerity. Your colleagues would turn on me in an instant if they thought they stood a chance. That’s the problem with giving you demons free will. I’ll have to remember that if I ever get a chance to do things over again. Then again, mindless drones are only good for a Rush tactic, so…ah well, listen to me ramble!”

  “I will fulfill any task you ask of me, my lord. I simply ask that I be allowed to destroy that filthy half breed- “

  “About that. I know you want to go kill that rotten little half-orc for what he did to you in the past, and I’m pretty sure the ‘Archduke’ of Purgatory is now at the top of your shit list, but you are not to go anywhere near Carl or his little band of misfits-,”

  “NO! He’s cost me far too much for me to give up now! I’ll never rest until I rip his still beating heart from his chest and make him eat it!” Ink snarled before she felt the intense pressure wave flatten her against the ground again.

  “Ink? Chill. I have something else in mind. A covert mission that I want you specifically to perform. So, go gather as many demons as you can herd together and wait for the signal. Trust me, you’ll know it when you see it. And you’ll get your chance to kill Carl Fucking Beaumont after you kill his heart. But I must warn you…it will be your last mission.”

  “My…my lord, I apologize for my failures, but-,”

  “You misunderstand me, my dear. Bringing you back from oblivion? A temporary reprieve. The fire still burns within you and is gaining speed. I’m simply feeding the fire with the souls of other demons until you succeed in your mission. Your death is something even I cannot prevent, my dear. The Archduke of Purgatory has sealed your fate. Oh, if only you’d had a mortal soul. Then the fire could have been put out. But, like a metal fire, there’s nothing to do but let it burn. I’m truly sorry, my dear.”

  Ink bowed her head, tears running down her burnt face, the thought of non-existence frightening her more than her God’s displeasure. The Cthulhu in her mind’s eye lifted her chin, staring into her red eyes with his inky black ones that swirled with pinpricks of light, in a pattern reminiscent of the night’s sky. Her tears dried up as she felt her resolve return with a vengeance. She would not fail him again.

  “At once, my Lord.” She bowed her head and disappeared in a cloud of black mist. The kilometers tall head turned back over in its sleep and kilometers long facial tentacles twitched as a deep resonating laugh once more shook the Abyss.

  ∞∞∞

  Carl watched as Camilla bounded over and woke Cenere with a bucket of ice water and smiled as he walked away from the group. The sight of these youngsters playing around at the beach made him reminisce about his own years as a junior Inquisitor and all the shenanigans he used to get up to. He tilted his head as he pulled out his rune stone, striding towards the hostel they’d rented a room in, thinking about his misspent youth and that girl in Berlin he’d almost married. He made his way up the stairs in the tinder box the concierge had laughably called a youth hostel and opened the door to the room, watching various vermin scurry away into the dark corners of the room before slapping the runestone on the wall and waiting the five seconds the mansion took to unfold.

  As he walked in, he saw Jeeves talking on the phone in a quiet voice, before hanging up when Carl entered.

  “Setting up travel arrangements for your vacay, Jeeves?”

  “Something like that, sir. I’ve gotten in contact with my ‘brothers,’ and we plan to join up and see the world. I hope you won’t mind being without a butler for a y
ear after this is all over, sir.”

  “Hell, take two years if you like. I’ll probably close the stone down for a bit and just enjoy living with my family.”

  Jeeves thought he felt a gear slip out of alignment from turning his head so quickly, such was his shock. “Sir, you’ve been away from them for most of the time I’ve known you. Why the sudden change?”

  A complete bar slid out of the floor and Carl mixed himself a martini as he spoke. “I’ve been doing this work for over fifty years. I think it’s about time I took a sabbatical and helped raise my daughter for the last few years until she decides what she wants to do with her life. That’s what I told Tryst in that letter I had you mail out.”

  Jeeves stared at Carl for a moment, then closed his eyes, nodding. “That sounds like a great idea, Carl. I can’t imagine a better way to spend your time than with your loved ones. Excuse me, sir. I need to go prepare dinner.”

  Carl nodded absently as he poured his martini into a glass and dropped in a couple of olives. He walked into the great room and sat down onto an Italian leather sofa as it rose from the floor, grabbing a remote and watching some telly while drinking his martini.

  In the kitchen, Jeeves tossed a second cutting board into the bin, both chopped in half due to his frustration. He wished he’d never agreed to the last order he’d received before being “inherited” by Carl. It frustrated him to no end having a secret he couldn’t share with anyone. Especially not his employer or their staff. Especially when he knew just how painful that secret would be for Carl when it was revealed. A single drop of lubricating oil fell on the counter and caused Jeeves to pause; was he…crying? Jeeves wiped his face and discovered the thin trail of oil coming from his right eye, staining his white glove.

  Cenere staggered back to their booth with a tray full of beer mugs, handing them off to the others. Jin looked at the double-pint mug warily and swayed slightly as he took his second drink that night. Sachi’s Asian heritage was on full display as her blush grew deeper with each mug of beer she drank with her fellows. Zeke grabbed a mug in each of his massive hands and chugged them as his friends cheered him on while he fought to stay on his seat - a beer keg set on its side, as he was too big to sit in the booth and had broken a chair already. Camilla’s grin turned slightly lecherous as she slid her hand further up Cenere’s leg when he sat back down beside her, and he looked at her with mild shock as she whispered something in his ear.

  “You’re drunk,” Cenere slurred as he gently removed her hand. “Ask me that when you’re sober.”

  Camilla’s voice developed an indignant note, “I though’ ye’re supposed, urp, to be an Inquisitor of, of…Lust! Tha’s right, Lust. So, why you puttin’ on the brakes, me bonny lad?”

  “Two reasons,” Cenere said as he lifted his mug, “First, I want you to enjoy this and not do the walk of shame tomorrow when sober you gets mad at drunk you for fooling around. Second…I get whiskey dick something fierce when I get to drinking. It’s like pushing rope. So, no go.” He drained the rest of his beer as Sachi laid her head down on the table and Jin hopped up on the table, declaring himself the King of the Beer. He demanded a passing waitress to bring a round for the entire bar, which caused Zeke to start a chant of “Long live the King” that echoed throughout the pub as the little guy started dancing on the table to a dirty little song about a man in Nantucket.

  “Can’t take the lot of you anywhere, can I?” Carl snarked as he sat down at the table with his subordinates, raising an eyebrow at the jaunty attitude of their resident sourpuss. “Having a good time, then?”

  “Carl,” Camilla slurred, leaning away from Cenere and confiding in her boss with a whisper that could be heard from outside the bar. “Fancy here turn me down. Me! All because we’re both pissed. Wha’ a daft cunt, right?”

  Carl took stock of the rest of the table, noting that Jin was about half an ounce of beer from passing out, Sachi had succumbed to Orpheus’s call, and Cenere was starting to nod off himself. Zeke, despite drinking nearly a keg of beer by himself, was still functional. Or, moreso if a brawl were to break out. Deciding that discretion would be the better part of valor in this situation after all, he turned back to Camilla. “Tell me all about it after I get you kids back to the mansion.”

  “Bu’ ye jus’ got here!” Camilla whined, then laughed as Jin fell off the table and onto the cheaply upholstered bench of the booth they sat at, dead to the world and snoring already. Carl caught Zeke’s eye, nodded at him, and threw Camilla over his shoulder, much to the amusement of the patronage as she thrashed, attempting to get free before passing out on his shoulder. Zeke wobbled slightly as he stood and collected the rest of their people while Carl settled the bill.

  Then began a scenario as old as time, where two people try to get their drunk friends back home. Inevitably, Camilla vomited all over Carl’s back and he rolled his eyes as he opened the door, slapped the stone on the wall, and waited an eternity as he waited for the mansion to ready itself. Carl strode into the place and handed his charges off to the marble golems, who he ordered to ready for bed without their usual hijinks. He then placed his hand on the mansion’s primary control node, which materialized under his hand, and set an alarm for…he looked at his watch. It was just after two in the morning, so he set the alarm for ten AM, with the loudest possible setting, to go off in each of their rooms. Ah, the simple joys of being the sober friend, he thought to himself with a sadistic smirk as he lit his cigarette.

  At ten o’clock in the morning, the mansion’s occupants were greeted with intensely bright light, the sound of an air raid siren going off next to their heads, and insistent marble golems wearing Army helmets circa 1944 carrying buckets of ice water that they then proceeded to toss on the hungover members of Carl’s irregular crew. Zeke was least affected, a bonus when it came to drunken style, but as for the rest…

  Cenere put three throwing knives into the speaker near his bed, another six into the lights that gave his room a hellishly bright glare. The golems squeaked as they sank into the floor, narrowly dodging knives meant to harm them, then poked their heads back up to blow raspberries. Camilla shot the lights out, punched the speaker, and sputtered as she spat out the water before glaring at the sheepish golems, who displayed the good sense to sink into the floor to avoid the lead retort from their angry mistress.

  Jin cast a darkness spell, a silence spell, and a drying spell all without opening his eyes, then laid his head back into his pillow, giving the marble women the finger. Sachi merely pushed a button and activated an EMP mine, knocking out the unshielded electronics and slipping back into blissful slumber as the golems cautiously avoided the tripwires leading to Sachi’s fortified bed bunker. They decided waking her wasn’t worth possibly losing something over.

  Carl, meanwhile, was downstairs at breakfast, enjoying a tall stack of fluffy buttermilk pancakes alongside scrambled eggs, bacon, and a steaming mug of coffee. He watched as his subordinates straggled downstairs, glaring daggers at Carl who smiled back at them sweetly while he pointed at the carafe of black coffee and the bottle of aspirin. The two Satanists looked at the aspirin incredulously and Cenere gave Carl the finger as he sat down and poured himself some coffee.

  Jeeves walked in with metal platters of food and set them down less than gently causing a slight clatter as Carl sipped his coffee and smirked at their discomfort. Sachi eventually staggered her way to the table, looking like death warmed over, and began piling food onto her plate. She grabbed the bottle of aspirin, blew a raspberry at the two Satanists, and popped a couple as she drank some orange juice. Zeke came strolling into the dining room, whistling a jaunty tune as he grabbed a plate and piled on meats, eggs, and delectable bacon, smiling at the malcontents suffering from hangovers as they each tried to kill him with a glare, to no effect.

  As the plates were being cleared away, Jin crawled into the dining room and pulled himself into his highchair, looking like he’d been worked over by an orc with a bad attitude. He feebly reac
hed for the bottle of aspirin and looked ill when a plate of food was placed before him, pushing it away, and settling for a bowl of plain rice and a tall glass of orange juice.

  “Morning gang!” Carl said loudly, just shy of yelling. “Had a good time last night? I see the King of Beers decided to grace us with his presence! Tell me, your Majesty, does the meal meet with your approval? Or, should I bring you a nice piece of salt cod?” Carl did his level best not to laugh as he watched the gnome turn a particularly impressive shade of white and run for the bathroom, doing his best to try to hold down his sick. The rest glared at him for aggravating their hangovers, with the exception of Zeke who looked at Carl with some concern.

  “Carl? I know that the cane we bought you for your upcoming birthday was supposed to be a joke, as I really don’t know how much a rearview mirror and a brake are going to help, but are you okay? The shouting…are you going deaf? Cenere does make mention of your rather…advanced…age pretty often.”

  Despite the pain their indulgences the night before was causing them to endure, Cenere and Camilla both cracked up at the lizard’s deadpan delivery, not quite sure if he was joking or not. It was hard to tell with Zeke, as he often walked through life with a serene expression on his face, leading many to doubt his great intellect. The wink to Sachi, however, broke the illusion and soon the entire table was laughing, even Carl.