Seriously... I'm Kidding

by Ellen DeGeneres

  I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have written this chapter.

  For the Teenagers

  This chapter is 4 cool kids only. U NO WHO U R.

  OMG. I’m so happy ur reading this bk. I no I don’t no u, but u r so cool. LOL.

  Just want 2 say hi and how r u. What r u doin 2 nite? I M going out l8r 4 dinr w/frenz. I hope they r on time or I will b J.

  Here’s a fun-e stor-e. 1 time I told my bro LYLAS. He wuz like whaaaa? And I wuz like J/K! LYLAB. It wuz 2 funny. He wuz like u r 2 much LN. 2 much. LMAO.

  N E way… do u like U2? I <3 U2. Do U 2 <3 U2? GJKLE#*OJPOK, LVORPA//%$#. Ooops, I fell asleep on my keyboard!!!!!! OMG! ROTFL.

  OK, g2g. TY 4 reading. KIT. 6. TTYL. C U L8R. FSBO.

  <3, E

  For the Adults Who Don’t Understand the For the Teenagers Chapter and Really Want To

  This chapter is for the cool kids only. You know who you are.

  Oh my God. I’m so happy that you are reading this book. I know I don’t know you, but I can tell that you are so cool. Just thinking about the fact that I don’t know you, but can still tell that you are cool makes me want to laugh out loud for some reason.

  Well, I just want to say hi and see how you are doing. Hey, what are you doing tonight? I am going out later for dinner with a few friends. I hope they are on time or I will be very, very sad.

  Here’s a funny story that I think you’ll enjoy. I remember there was this one time I was talking to my brother and I said, “I love you like a sister.” And he looked at me incredulously and said, “What?!” And so then I said, “Just kidding! I love you like a brother.” It was too funny. He was like, “You are too much, Ellen! Too much!” Just thinking about it again right now is making me laugh so much that I am actually laughing my ass off. That’s how funny it is to me. I am laughing my ass off. Bye-bye, ass!

  Anyway, do you like the band U2? I love U2. Do you like them also, the band U2, that is? GJKLE#*OJPOK, LVORPA//%$#. Ooops, I fell asleep on my keyboard!!!!!! Oh my God! I can’t believe I did that!

  That is funny. That is actually so funny to me that I am currently rolling on the floor laughing. Previously, my ass was falling off from laughing so hard. Now I cannot help but roll around on the floor because of how funny that is.

  Okay, I got up off the floor and now I have to get going. Thank you for reading this chapter. Please keep in touch. I am so happy right now. I will talk to you later. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even see you later. For sale by owner.

  Love, Ellen

  The Longest Chapter

  You might be able to tell from its name, but I just want to make it clear up front that this chapter is the longest chapter in this book. So if you are planning on reading one more chapter before you go to bed or squeezing in one last chapter before you leave for dinner, this might not be the chapter for you to read right now. Because it’s long. Very, very long.

  If you’d like, I can tell you really quickly what it’s about and why it’s so long and then you can decide whether or not you want to keep reading it now or come back to it later. And trust me, I will not be offended if you decide to come back to it. I’m not that easily offended. Maybe if you said you didn’t like my shirt or my shoes my feelings would be a little hurt, but otherwise I like to think I’m pretty tough. Plus, I’m the one giving you the option to either keep reading or skip it for now, so it would be weird if I was like, “Hey, why didn’t you keep reading instead of going to your doctor’s appointment? My feelings are hurt!” Because I’m giving you the option.

  In fact, for your convenience I’ve made the next chapter of the book a short one. So you might want to skip ahead to that chapter and make that the last one you read before you put the book down, and then you can come back to this chapter later. Just don’t forget to come back to it! Maybe you want to dog-ear this page or bookmark it or write a note to yourself so you remember to read it. I know folding the corner of a page ruins the aesthetic of the book and you might lose money should you ever try to resell it, but that’s what makes life so difficult. It’s the choices you make.

  The reason this chapter is so long is because it’s the most compelling chapter in the whole book. I’m going to tell you about something that changed my life forever.

  That probably makes you want to keep reading! I don’t mean to try and tempt you to stay. I would feel really awful if I made you late for a date with someone who could have been your future spouse were it not for your unattractive quality of being tardy.

  It’s just that I know people want to hear compelling things about me that I’ve never shared before. When I first started writing this book, people kept asking me, “What’s in this book that I’m not going to hear anywhere else? Why should I read it? What’s so special about it?” And I would always answer the same way. “Why don’t you just buy the book because you love me, Mother?”

  But I understand what people are saying. I know I’m on TV every day talking about my life. You can read about me online or in magazines. I have that blog about flowers that has over eighty subscribers. Y’all know a lot about me. But you don’t know everything, and that’s what this chapter is about.

  And I certainly don’t mean to make this chapter even longer by talking about how long it is. It almost feels like I’m making you wait and wait and wait and I’m never going to get to my point, and I assure you that’s not the case.

  But then again, maybe that’s the lesson here. Maybe we all need to slow down and stop running from one place to another all the time. Maybe whatever you’re about to do can wait. Sometimes waiting can be really good for you. As an example, it’s always a good idea to wait at least a half hour after you’ve eaten before you go swimming. Some people say that’s a myth, but I say better to be safe than sorry. I wait a half hour after eating before I go anywhere near water, and that includes swimming, bathing, showering, and panning for gold.

  Obviously, there are some times when waiting isn’t great. Waiting on hold on the phone can be annoying. Waiting for the results of an exam or on something like a pregnancy test can be very stressful, I would imagine. And what about how frustrating it is when you have to wait in line for the ladies’ room? What takes so long in there, you guys?!

  But at the same time, if you’re waiting for something good like a new movie to come out or for your family to leave town, there’s a feeling of anticipation that can be very exciting. There’s suspense and drama as adrenaline starts to rush through your body like a rocket or like the water that shoots down through those dirty waterslides at theme parks.

  Right now you’re probably wild with anticipation. “What is she gonna say? What’s her story? I can barely wait another second to hear something she’s never told anyone!”

  And by the way, thank you so much for waiting and reading this chapter all the way through. I have to say I would find it rude if you decided to skip ahead or put the book down after I explicitly stated that I was going to share something for the very first time that changed my life.

  It’s not like it’s the only thing I’m sharing in this book that I’ve never told anyone. There’s actually a lot in here that I’ve never shared before. I would say that nearly every single page has a new thought or a new idea or a new word that I’ve never before uttered. Here’s one right now. Quoth. I’ve never said that word before. I’ve never talked about it. This is the only place I will ever mention or discuss the word “quoth.”

  Here’s another thing: I’m allergic to penicillin. Bet you didn’t know that, did you? That’s because I’ve never told anyone that. Not even a doctor.

  Here’s another thing I’ve never talked about: I think it’s weird that all dance classes have to be taught in front of a huge glass window. It’s the only business that leaves nothing to the imagination. Why no curtains? Why do they want people walking by and staring at them? I have nothing against leotards, but that’s a lot of bits and pieces for my eyes to see when I’m just trying to get to the coffee shop next door.

 
Anyway, those are all things that I’ve never shared with anyone ever before and as purchasers of this book I hope you feel special that you are the only ones to have this information. Those aren’t even part of what I set out to share with you in this chapter. Those are just bonus ideas.

  What I really wanted to tell you is what seriously changed my life forever. I’ve never been the same since I first laid eyes on it and it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

  It’s the Swiffer.

  You know what? That’s it. I honestly thought it was going to take more time to explain how it changed my life, but I think you get it with that one word.

  I guess this chapter isn’t the longest chapter after all.

  Tweet Chapter

  An observation in 140 characters.

  How come when you wipe up dust it’s called dusting but when you wipe up a spill it’s not called spilling? There’s something to think about.

  Deep Thinkers and Not So Deep Thinkers

  You’re probably familiar with the famous sculpture of The Thinker. It’s a man sitting down with his head resting on his hand, and it was created by a French artist named Rodin in 1902. It represents a person deep in thought, contemplating the struggles and the heaviness of the world around him. I recently saw a replica of it in the garden department of Sears and it got me thinking.

  There are obviously all different sorts of people in this world. That’s what makes the world go ’round. Well, that and wind. But when I saw The Thinker, I started to really think about thinking and I thought about this: There are two distinct types of people in the world—deep thinkers and not so deep thinkers.

  Deep thinkers are people who ask a lot of questions, who are conscious about their actions, who seek reasons and explanations for everything they do and see and hear. Not so deep thinkers are people who litter. They’re less aware of their impact on the planet. I mean, what year are you living in if you think you can still roll down your car window and toss garbage into the street? Maybe that was super awesome in 1968 but we can’t do that anymore. It’s not cool, man.

  We all need to be deeper thinkers. We need to think more about our actions and their consequences. There’s a law of physics that says “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Do you know what that means? Me neither. Actually, it might have been in my fortune cookie last night. My point is, we need to think about what we are doing on and to this planet. We only have one Earth and it’s the most important planet in our entire solar system, besides Uranus.

  The more we consciously think about what we’re doing and what we’re consuming, the better off we’re going to be. And I don’t just mean what we eat. I mean what we buy and what we use. We consume so much. We buy the latest computers and phones and TVs and clothing, and that means everything that came before it ends up in landfills and oceans. I know that’s not a particularly hilarious sentiment but it’s something we need to think about as humans. And if you’re an alien living on Earth, you should be thinking about it as well. Everyone should think about it—not just the people who get labeled “hippies” or “tree-huggers” because they care about our environment. I care and I’m not a hippy. I did hug a tree one time, but it was the seventies and I thought the tree was my friend Judy.

  There’s plenty we can do to help. First of all, if you’re not recycling I don’t even know what to do with you right now. I hate to have to scream at you through this book, but PLEASE RECYCLE!

  Secondly, there’s a very easy way to save water. Take group showers. It’s fun. It’s friendly. At first, my housekeepers were resistant to this idea, but luckily my landscaper talked them into it.

  Another thing you can do is take reusable bags to the grocery store. Now I always thought a reusable bag that you bring into a store was called a purse, and from what I understand putting things in your purse while you’re shopping is called shoplifting. So, shoplift.

  Want to save electricity? Unplug your appliances when you’re not using them. Every Sunday, I unplug my tanning beds and dim the lights in my discotheque. You might want to unplug your television for a few hours a day. Not while my show is on of course, but any other time. Well, not if it’s Shark Week because that’s fascinating programming, but any other time. Unless The Bachelor is on because people are going to be talking about it at work the next day. And if So You Think You Can Dance is on you gotta watch that. You know what, never mind. Don’t unplug the TV. Get rid of your refrigerator or something. I don’t know. You’ll figure it out.

  We all know people who go through life without ever thinking about their actions. They’re the people who don’t use turn signals and choose not to replace the empty roll of toilet paper after they finish it. They’re not malicious in their intentions (usually). They just aren’t paying attention.

  Let’s try and pay more attention to what’s around us. Look up. Look down—if only so you don’t trip. Ask questions. You know how kids always ask “why?” Ask why. Then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. Don’t stop asking why until you get the answer you’re looking for. Or until you’re escorted away by security, whichever comes first.

  Here’s a question: If our Earth is turning at one thousand miles per hour, why can’t I jump on a trampoline in Los Angeles and end up at a diner in Phoenix a few minutes later? Right? Think deeply about that for a while.

  Chapter for the Audiobook Listeners

  I know many of you are listening to an audio version of this book, so I’d like to say a special hello to all of you. Recording an audio book is a lot like doing the voice of an animated character in a movie. I’m in a recording booth and I have big headphones on and I’m talking into a big microphone. And since there are no cameras I don’t have to wear any pants.

  There is a sound engineer. Hi, Jerry! I’m waving to him right now. He’s sweet. He’s waving back. Hi! Now he’s holding up a sign. “My name isn’t Jerry. It’s Mike.”

  Anyway, since you have the benefit of being able to hear this, I thought I would include some bonus material of me making strange noises.

  For those of you who are reading this the old-fashioned way and can’t hear me, I’ve printed the noises below and I encourage you to use your imagination to think of what they might sound like coming out of my mouth.

  Meeeeee

  Faaaaa

  Coooooooooo

  Gooooooood morning

  Bowwwwwww

  Babowwwww

  Yellowwwww

  Kentucky!

  Pop

  Pop pop pop

  Kerplunk

  Lemonade

  Sylvia

  Click

  Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah

  Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew

  Shhhhhhhhh

  Harumph!

  Honesty

  They say honesty is the best policy. But is it?

  It is. Actually, honesty is one of the qualities I find most attractive in a person. (Another one is nice ankles.)

  Honesty is so important and yet a lot of times it’s hard to find in people. I’m not saying any of you are liars. I don’t know you. I’m sure you’re sweet and nice and have never “accidentally” dropped a jury summons down a garbage disposal. Maybe you’ve never uttered so much as a fib in your whole entire lives. But let’s face it, you probably have. We all have. Well, I haven’t. I’m always honest.

  Okay, see? That was a lie. And I’m sorry.

  We might not go around spewing huge, sweeping, outrageous lies, but in one way or another most of us lie every now and again. I actually read a statistic that on average people lie four times a day. I don’t know exactly what four lies people are telling each day but I do know that people tend to lie about their age, their weight, their natural hair color, and how cute their friends’ babies are. “What a cutie-pie. Look at those ears! You have to—can’t miss ’em! So cute.�
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  I also know that people lie on their résumés. People lie under oath. People lie to their doctors, which I’ve never quite understood. I know you might be embarrassed about how you got that bite on that particular part of your body, but you have to be honest about it so a trained professional can help you.

  I really try my best not to lie. That’s true. I try to give my honest opinion on things. I try to tell it like it is. Give it to ’em straight. Lay it on the line. Be up-front. Keep it real. Not say false… stuff. I don’t know any other sayings. I try not to lie.

  Sometimes it’s hard because I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. So there have been times when a friend will get a haircut and I will see it and my initial reaction is “Oh my God, you look like a streetwalker who got caught in a wind tunnel.” But I obviously can’t say that because that would be an insult to streetwalkers. So I have to say, “I love it! It looks great!” But when I say it my voice goes up about three octaves. “It looks greee-aaattt!” So I’m certain they know I’m lying.

  How come when we lie our voices go up so many octaves? It’s a dead giveaway. It happens when we dole out compliments we don’t mean and it happens when we say things like “You didn’t have to get me anything!” or “What do you mean you weren’t invited to my party? You’re always invited!” Everyone knows what those mean. “You definitely had to get me something” and “You haven’t been invited back to the house since the urn incident of ’04.” And it’s a mathematical fact: the higher the octave, the bigger the lie. “I didn’t even hear my phone ring!” is usually like a four on the scale. “You think I’m sleeping with someone else?!” is off the charts.