The Law and the Lady

by Wilkie Collins

  CHAPTER XXII. THE MAJOR MAKES DIFFICULTIES.

  As I opened the dining-room door the Major hastened to meet me. Helooked the brightest and the youngest of living elderly gentlemen, withhis smart blue frock-coat, his winning smile, his ruby ring, and hisready compliment. It was quite cheering to meet the modern Don Juan oncemore.

  "I don't ask after your health," said the old gentleman; "your eyesanswer me, my dear lady, before I can put the question. At your agea long sleep is the true beauty-draught. Plenty of bed--there is thesimple secret of keeping your good looks and living a long life--plentyof bed!"

  "I have not been so long in my bed, Major, as you suppose. To tell thetruth, I have been up all night, reading."

  Major Fitz-David lifted his well-painted eyebrows in polite surprise.

  "What is the happy book which has interested you so deeply?" he asked.

  "The book," I answered, "is the Trial of my husband for the murder ofhis first wife."

  "Don't mention that horrid book!" he exclaimed. "Don't speak ofthat dreadful subject! What have beauty and grace to do with Trials,Poisonings, Horrors? Why, my charming friend, profane your lips bytalking of such things? Why frighten away the Loves and the Graces thatlie hid in your smile. Humor an old fellow who adores the Loves and theGraces, and who asks nothing better than to sun himself in your smiles.Luncheon is ready. Let us be cheerful. Let us laugh and lunch."

  He led me to the table, and filled my plate and my glass with the air ofa man who considered himself to be engaged in one of the most importantoccupations of his life. Benjamin kept the conversation going in theinterval.

  "Major Fitz-David brings you some news, my dear," he said. "Yourmother-in-law, Mrs. Macallan, is coming here to see you to-day."

  My mother-in-law coming to see me! I turned eagerly to the Major forfurther information.

  "Has Mrs. Macallan heard anything of my husband?" I asked. "Is shecoming here to tell me about him?"

  "She has heard from him, I believe," said the Major, "and she has alsoheard from your uncle the vicar. Our excellent Starkweather has writtento her--to what purpose I have not been informed. I only know that onreceipt of his letter she has decided on paying you a visit. I met theold lady last night at a party, and I tried hard to discover whether shewere coming to you as your friend or your enemy. My powers of persuasionwere completely thrown away on her. The fact is," said the Major,speaking in the character of a youth of five-and-twenty making a modestconfession, "I don't get on well with old women. Take the will for thedeed, my sweet friend. I have tried to be of some use to you and havefailed."

  Those words offered me the opportunity for which I was waiting. Idetermined not to lose it.

  "You can be of the greatest use to me," I said, "if you will allow me topresume, Major, on your past kindness. I want to ask you a question; andI may have a favor to beg when you have answered me."

  Major Fitz-David set down his wine-glass on its way to his lips, andlooked at me with an appearance of breathless interest.

  "Command me, my dear lady--I am yours and yours only," said the gallantold gentleman. "What do you wish to ask me?"

  "I wish to ask if you know Miserrimus Dexter."

  "Good Heavens!" cried the Major; "that _is_ an unexpected question! KnowMiserrimus Dexter? I have known him for more years than I like to reckonup. What _can_ be your object--"

  "I can tell you what my object is in two words," I interposed. "I wantyou to give me an introduction to Miserrimus Dexter."

  My impression is that the Major turned pale under his paint. This, atany rate, is certain--his sparkling little gray eyes looked at me inundisguised bewilderment and alarm.

  "You want to know Miserrimus Dexter?" he repeated, with the air of a manwho doubted the evidence of his own senses. "Mr. Benjamin, have I takentoo much of your excellent wine? Am I the victim of a delusion--or didour fair friend really ask me to give her an introduction to MiserrimusDexter?"

  Benjamin looked at me in some bewilderment on his side, and answered,quite seriously,

  "I think you said so, my dear."

  "I certainly said so," I rejoined. "What is there so very surprising inmy request?"

  "The man is mad!" cried the Major. "In all England you could nothave picked out a person more essentially unfit to be introduced to alady--to a young lady especially--than Dexter. Have you heard of hishorrible deformity?"

  "I have heard of it--and it doesn't daunt me."

  "Doesn't daunt you? My dear lady, the man's mind is as deformed as hisbody. What Voltaire said satirically of the character of his countrymenin general is literally true of Miserrimus Dexter. He is a mixture ofthe tiger and the monkey. At one moment he would frighten you, and atthe next he would set you screaming with laughter. I don't deny that heis clever in some respects--brilliantly clever, I admit. And I don'tsay that he has ever committed any acts of violence, or ever willinglyinjured anybody. But, for all that, he is mad, if ever a man were madyet. Forgive me if the inquiry is impertinent. What can your motivepossibly be for wanting an introduction to Miserrimus Dexter?"

  "I want to consult him?"

  "May I ask on what subject?"

  "On the subject of my husband's Trial."

  Major Fitz-David groaned, and sought a momentary consolation in hisfriend Benjamin's claret.

  "That dreadful subject again!" he exclaimed. "Mr. Benjamin, why does shepersist in dwelling on that dreadful subject?"

  "I must dwell on what is now the one employment and the one hope of mylife," I said. "I have reason to hope that Miserrimus Dexter can helpme to clear my husband's character of the stain which the Scotch Verdicthas left on it. Tiger and monkey as he may be, I am ready to runthe risk of being introduced to him. And I ask you again--rashly andobstinately as I fear you will think--to give me the introduction. Itwill put you to no inconvenience. I won't trouble you to escort me; aletter to Mr. Dexter will do."

  The Major looked piteously at Benjamin, and shook his head. Benjaminlooked piteously at the Major, and shook _his_ head.

  "She appears to insist on it," said the Major.

  "Yes," said Benjamin. "She appears to insist on it."

  "I won't take the responsibility, Mr. Benjamin, of sending her alone toMiserrimus Dexter."

  "Shall I go with her, sir?"

  The Major reflected. Benjamin, in the capacity of protector, did notappear to inspire our military friend with confidence. After a moment'sconsideration a new idea seemed to strike him. He turned to me.

  "My charming friend," he said, "be more charming than ever--consent toa compromise. Let us treat this difficulty about Dexter from a socialpoint of view. What do you say to a little dinner?"

  "A little dinner?" I repeated, not in the least understanding him.

  "A little dinner," the Major reiterated, "at my house. You insist on myintroducing you to Dexter, and I refuse to trust you alone with thatcrack-brained personage. The only alternative under the circumstancesis to invite him to meet you, and to let you form your own opinion ofhim--under the protection of my roof. Who shall we have to meet youbesides?" pursued the Major, brightening with hospitable intentions."We want a perfect galaxy of beauty around the table, as a speciesof compensation when we have got Miserrimus Dexter as one the guests.Madame Mirliflore is still in London. You would be sure to like her--sheis charming; she possesses your firmness, your extraordinary tenacityof purpose. Yes, we will have Madame Mirliflore. Who else? Shall we sayLady Clarinda? Another charming person, Mr. Benjamin! You would be sureto admire her--she is so sympathetic, she resembles in so many respectsour fair friend here. Yes, Lady Clarinda shall be one of us; and youshall sit next to her, Mr. Benjamin, as a proof of my sincere regard foryou. Shall we have my young prima donna to sing to us in the evening?think so. She is pretty; she will assist in obscuring the deformity ofDexter. Very well; there is our party complete! I will shut myself upthis evening and approach the question of dinner with my cook. Shallwe say this day week," asked the Major, taking out his pocketbook, "ateig
ht o'clock?"

  I consented to the proposed compromise--but not very willingly. Witha letter of introduction, I might have seen Miserrimus Dexter thatafternoon. As it was, the "little dinner" compelled me to wait inabsolute inaction through a whole week. However, there was no helpfor it but to submit. Major Fitz-David, in his polite way, could beas obstinate as I was. He had evidently made up his mind; and furtheropposition on my part would be of no service to me.

  "Punctually at eight, Mr. Benjamin," reiterated the Major. "Put it downin your book."

  Benjamin obeyed--with a side look at me, which I was at no loss tointerpret. My good old friend did not relish meeting a man at dinner whowas described as "half tiger, half monkey;" and the privilege of sittingnext to Lady Clarinda rather daunted than delighted him. It was all mydoing, and he too had no choice but to submit. "Punctually at eight,sir," said poor old Benjamin, obediently recording his formidableengagement. "Please to take another glass of wine."

  The Major looked at his watch, and rose--with fluent apologies forabruptly leaving the table.

  "It is later than I thought," he said. "I have an appointment with afriend--a female friend; a most attractive person. You a little remindme of her, my dear lady--you resemble her in complexion: the samecreamy paleness. I adore creamy paleness. As I was saying, I have anappointment with my friend; she does me the honor to ask my opinion onsome very remarkable specimens of old lace. I have studied old lace. Istudy everything that can make me useful or agreeable to your enchantingsex. You won't forget our little dinner? I will send Dexter hisinvitation the moment I get home." He took my hand and looked at itcritically, with his head a little on one side. "A delicious hand," hesaid; "you don't mind my looking at it--you don't mind my kissing it, doyou? A delicious hand is one of my weaknesses. Forgive my weaknesses. Ipromise to repent and amend one of these days."

  "At your age, Major, do you think you have much time to lose?" asked astrange voice, speaking behind us.

  We all three looked around toward the door. There stood my husband'smother, smiling satirically, with Benjamin's shy little maid-servantwaiting to announce her.

  Major Fitz-David was ready with his answer.

  The old soldier was not easily taken by surprise.

  "Age, my dear Mrs. Macallan, is a purely relative expression," he said."There are some people who are never young, and there are other peoplewho are never old. I am one of the other people. _Au revoir!_"

  With that answer the incorrigible Major kissed the tips of his fingersto us and walked out. Benjamin, bowing with his old-fashioned courtesy,threw open the door of his little library, and, inviting Mrs. Macallanand myself to pass in, left us together in the room.