by Sarah Bailey
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”
I wanted to tell him even as I held back. Even as I thought he wouldn’t get it. Aaron had never been anything but understanding when it came to me.
“No, you shouldn’t.”
My heart deflated. Who thought it would be a good idea to make a friend? All people did was hurt you, leave you or both. And it didn’t make sense to me why I felt like crying. My shoulders shook with the effort of holding it all in. The emotional tornado taking up residence in my chest.
Then I felt his warmth against my back. Aaron wrapped his arms around me from behind, resting his head against mine. It shocked me so much, I didn’t move or tell him to get off.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Please don’t be mad at me. I just want to know you.”
No one but Mum hugged or comforted me and she could only do it when she felt well enough. No one else had done this since Aunt Bibi died.
“Aaron,” I breathed out.
“I’m here. I’m right here.”
“I hate myself.”
The words hung in the air between us. The truth. The lack of love and kindness, the self-blame and the words from my dad. They were all part of the recipe which signalled my spiral into self-hatred.
“Why?”
“I don’t know how to explain. All I know is there’s nothing good in the world for me. And no one cares how it hurts,” I pointed at my chest where his hand rested, “right here.”
“I care.”
His words were like a balm to the bruises in my heart. I spun around and hugged him back. Aaron held onto me. He was bigger but not by much. Safe and protected were the feelings coursing through my system.
“You won’t leave me, will you?” I whispered.
“Never. I promise.”
Pulling back, I put my hand out, raising my pinkie finger. He immediately linked it with his.
“I swear we’ll be friends always.”
His eyes were so sincere, I couldn’t help but believe him. This boy made me feel so many emotions, I could hardly decipher them. No matter how many times I tried to push him away, he wouldn’t budge. The only option I had left would be to surrender. To give in and let this be what it was.
“I swear too.”
Chapter Twelve
Weeks felt as though they melted into one another when I was with Rhys. Ever since we established a friendship, I’d been careful not to ask him any further questions about his mum. I figured he’d tell me when he was ready. Getting Rhys to admit anything was almost impossible. And now I was sulking as half-term had come around so I wouldn’t see him until I went back to school. An entire week without seeing his beautiful dark eyes and the curls of his inky hair. His smile and the way he laughed.
I’d begun to realise my feelings towards Rhys weren’t exactly what Tamara had called platonic. She’d explained the difference between a relationship and a friendship when I asked her about it. I told her I was curious as two people in my class had become ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ but the reality was I’d become confused by my own feelings. I’d never felt drawn to my other friends in the way I did with Rhys. Never wanted to spend all my time with anyone and have it physically ache when we were apart. It didn’t seem normal, or at least what I thought was normal.
I guess I had a crush on Rhys, or at least that’s what I assumed after talking to Tamara. If she suspected anything about me and Rhys, she didn’t say it. I hadn’t told anyone I liked boys. I wasn’t sure how. Even though I knew it wasn’t wrong, it felt strange to admit it when all the other boys at school seemed to talk about girls. I didn’t like girls that way, so it left me feeling like I was the odd one out.
I had thought about telling Rhys, but since he happened to be the object of my affections, I wasn’t sure what he’d make of it. It’s not like I could tell him I liked him as more than just a friend. It might freak him out.
“Aaron, your mum and dad are home,” came Tamara’s voice from downstairs.
I dashed out of my room. They hadn’t told me they were coming. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, Mum and Dad were stood in the hallway. I looked most like my dad. He had blonde hair and blue eyes with a lopsided smile. Mum had red hair and blue-grey eyes like me.
Patrick and Kellie Parrish looked like the perfect couple who doted on their only son. At least that’s the story they fed to the press. The reality was they left me with my au pair for nine months of the year whilst Mum shot TV shows and the occasional film and Dad went with her. They hadn’t planned on having me. Harriet was twenty, a whole thirteen years older than me and had moved out at eighteen to live with her stupid boyfriend Ralph who I hated. He always treated me like a baby.
I barrelled my way into Mum’s arms, clutching her to me. I’d missed her and the way she smelt of lavender all the time.
“Mummy.”
“My sweet boy, I’ve missed you so much.”
I’d buried my face in her stomach so she couldn’t see how it scrunched up at her words. If she missed me that much, she’d be home more. And I wouldn’t feel so alone.
Her hand stroked over my hair in a soothing motion. Except it didn’t soothe me at all. If anything, I felt worse. They were home, but for how long? They never stayed. Always leaving me here to fend for myself without them. I loved Tamara, but she wasn’t my mum. She couldn’t replace the parents I had but never saw.
I pulled away and stepped over to my dad. He ruffled my hair and smiled at me before walking away into the kitchen without a word. Dad never really did affection. He reserved that for Mum. Something I didn’t understand.
“Come, tell me about your new school,” Mum said, taking my hand and leading me into the living room.
I looked back at the hallway. Dad wasn’t coming. He didn’t want to hear about how I’d been doing. It made my heart sink to the floor.
I sat with Mum on the sofa, feeling tiny and insignificant.
“So, Tamara said you’ve been doing much better.”
“Yeah, my reading age is improving.”
Thanks to Rhys. He helped me in class and at home when he came over after school. It was twice a week now on Tuesdays and Thursdays. His mum had said it was okay. I don’t know if Tamara told Mum about it or that we gave Rhys lifts to school. She knew being around Rhys made me happy.
“That’s wonderful news. I’m so pleased to hear it. And have you been making friends?”
“Yeah… I have a best friend now.”
Her eyes lit up. Whilst Rhys might not consider us best friends, I certainly did. He was the reason I woke up in the mornings eager to get to his so we could spend the whole day together. He was the reason I tried harder at school so I could impress him with my progress and in turn maybe make my parents proud of me.
“Do they have a name?”
“Rhys. We sit together in lesson. He’s really smart and helps me a lot.”
“Tamara may have mentioned him. She says he comes over quite a bit after school.”
My heart stuttered, a feeling of dread sinking over me.
“Is he not allowed?”
Her eyes softened and she reached out, stroking my hair.
“Of course he is, sweet boy. If he makes you smile like that, then he’s always welcome.”
I hadn’t realised I’d been smiling when talking about Rhys.
“He’s quiet, but we have fun together. I like him better than Calvin and Lydia.”
She gave me this indulgent smile as if I was still a toddler who couldn’t form his own opinions.
“It’s good to have lots of friends, Aaron. Not just one or two.”
“Yes, Mummy.”
I didn’t want to say otherwise, even though I only wanted Rhys as my friend. No one else made me feel the way he did. He needed me. I’d made a pinkie promise never to leave him. That meant way more than a normal promise. I could never break it. Never.
Mum didn’t need to know tha
t. She wouldn’t understand. Our friendship was special. I was the only one he’d told secrets to. Like the one about him hating himself. It broke my heart to hear him say it. I wanted to take his pain away. He didn’t explain why but I had a feeling it was to do with his home life and his mum. Something he didn’t like discussing. Now I knew better than to bring it up.
“I’ve got lots of plans for us this week. We’re going to go to museums and do lots of fun stuff together, how does that sound?”
She looked so happy and I didn’t have the heart to tell her what I really wanted was to see Rhys because I missed him. So I put on a bright smile for her.
“I can’t wait.”
I loved spending time with my mum but in the back of my mind, there was always the knowledge she wouldn’t be here for long. She might be home as it was my half-term holidays but come the start of school next week, her and Dad would be gone. And I’d be left alone with Tamara yet again.
At least I had Rhys now. He was the balm to everything. And I couldn’t wait to get back to school so I could see his beautiful face and brand it into my memory. Maybe he’d let me hug him again. Maybe he’d have missed me too.
Until then I’d enjoy my time with Mum and count down the days until I could see the boy who made my heart race again.
Chapter Thirteen
I barely got a chance to make it out of the front door of my house for the first day back at school after half-term when a body barrelled its way into me. Two arms wrapped me up so tight, I could hardly breathe.
“Uh… A…?”
“I missed you.”
My heart thumped at his admission. My arms dangled helplessly at my sides. This couldn’t be happening. Nat next door would see and then it’d be all around the estate. If Dad found out how close Aaron and I had become, I might not be able to go around his any longer. Mum hadn’t told him about the twice-weekly visits. For some reason, my dad didn’t like me having friends. He expected me to be home with Mum all the time. Like it was my duty. Mum kept telling me it wasn’t so the conflicting views bothered me. I tried not to think too much about it since I liked getting away from the estate to spend time at Aaron’s.
“A, please stop.”
He let go of me immediately, pulling back with a sheepish expression on his face. I wanted to hug him but not on my front doorstep. Not wanting to make things awkward, I wrapped my hands around the straps of my backpack and walked towards Tamara’s car. We could talk about why at school when we didn’t have ears listening in.
When we got in the car, his disappointment registered with me. It settled over us like a dark cloud. He wanted me to hug him back. It cut me, knowing I’d made him sad. He didn’t understand about my dad.
You haven’t told him. You should.
Telling Aaron about Graham King made my hands shake, so I tucked them under my legs. Admitting to anyone about Dad’s tendency to get angry and lash out with violence worried me. He hadn’t hit me in a long time, but I couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t. The less I did to make him angry with me, the better.
“Did you have a good holiday, Rhys?” Tamara asked as she drove.
“It was okay.”
I hadn’t done much other than hiding away in my room with the books I’d borrowed from Aaron or watch TV with Mum.
“Well, Aaron had fun, didn’t you?”
Aaron scowled and looked out of the window with his arms crossed against his chest.
“I guess,” he muttered.
“Why don’t you tell Rhys about where Kellie took you?”
I wondered who Kellie was and why she was taking Aaron out.
“Mum took me to the Natural History and Science museums, we had ice cream and she got tickets to the Lion King. I got to stay up late that night.”
His mum’s name is Kellie. Hold on, Kellie Parrish? Isn’t she like famous?
I’d heard that name before. I remembered Mum telling me she’d directed a recent adaptation of some book written in old times and how she wished she could have gone to see it in the cinema. Now I felt even more insignificant than ever. What if his parents didn’t approve of me being his friend when I’d come from nothing and they were rich?
It registered with me Aaron’s tone hadn’t exactly been excited. He sounded… off. Like spending time with his mum wasn’t something he enjoyed. It made me wonder why. He did say his parents weren’t home very much.
“That sounds fun, must’ve been nice to see your mum.”
Aaron shrugged and I noticed Tamara eying him warily through the rearview mirror.
“It was okay. I liked the museums, but it would’ve been better if you were there.”
My heart went crazy in my chest. He wanted me there. Me. I’d never been to a museum, though I knew we’d be going to one on a school trip next term.
I wasn’t sure what to say, considering Tamara happened to be staring at us with concern written all over her features. Well, maybe it was concern for Aaron and his standoffish behaviour. I knew he was upset with me for telling him to stop hugging me.
By the time we got to school, Aaron looked like he wanted to kick the car when we got out. Everything inside me raged at the injustice of the fact that I couldn’t give him what he clearly wanted. He said he missed me and it was only now I realised just how much.
“A…”
He didn’t respond as we walked through the gates into the playground.
“I’m sorry.”
His blue-grey eyes turned on me and the sadness in them stabbed me in the chest.
“For what?”
“You know what.”
He scuffed his shoe against the ground as we came to a standstill near the main entrance.
“I don’t.”
I almost sighed. If we were alone, I would have come out with it straight away, but there were kids everywhere and I didn’t want my home life problems aired all over the school. Kids could be mean.
“Come with me.”
I took him by the arm and dragged him away towards where the bike shed sat on the school grounds, eying the area to make sure no one had seen us. When we stopped behind it, I looked up at him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t hug you back. My neighbour likes to gossip and I don’t want my dad finding out, okay?” I blurted out in a hushed voice.
His eyes widened slightly
“Your dad?”
I nodded. I’d gone and said it now, but I didn’t want to tell him anything else about Graham King. Not all the horrible things he did to me and Mum. Not the way he grovelled afterwards to her. Nothing.
“Why does that matter? I didn’t even know you had a dad.”
“He is…” I thought of all the nasty words my dad used against my mum and the things he’d shout about people on our street. “…a dick.”
Aaron’s eyebrows shot up.
“What?”
“He might stop me from coming over to yours. Please don’t ask me why.”
“But, Rhys, that’s not a very nice thing to say about your dad.”
“He’s not a nice person.”
“Oh.”
I knew I shouldn’t say bad things about my dad to other people, but honestly, I couldn’t lie to Aaron about how I felt. I hated Graham King. Hated everything about him.
“I still don’t understand.”
I didn’t want to explain to him how my dad railed against boys liking boys or the way he’d call other people horrible names for being different. Mum said he was being racist and homophobic, but I didn’t understand what those words meant. She told me not to listen to him anyway and that I shouldn’t be scared of people’s differences as we were all human beings.
So instead of answering Aaron like I probably should’ve, I stepped up to him and hugged him. He seemed startled for all of two seconds before he hugged me back. I wanted to show him I didn’t think horrible things like my dad. Boys hugging boys didn’t mean anything. We were friends and friends could hug
each other.
“Well, well, well, what do we have here? Has gay boy infected you or something?”
Aaron and I sprung apart so fast I almost stumbled backwards until he caught my arm. Then he glared at the newcomer. I turned, finding Valentine staring at us with a deadly smile on his lips.
“Get lost, Valentine. No one cares what you think. And if you go around spreading rumours about us, then I’ll tell my dad and he’ll fire yours.”
That made me look at Aaron with confusion. Valentine’s eyes flashed with fear momentarily, then he put his hands up.
“All right, all right, calm down, Parrish. No one said anything about spreading rumours.”
“Really? I don’t believe you. Watch yourself.”
Aaron grabbed me by the arm and tugged me out from behind the bike shed. I could barely form a sentence as I looked back at Valentine, who sneered at our retreating backs.
“What was that about?” I asked when Aaron and I were in the classroom and he’d stopped dragging me across the school.
“His dad works for my dad’s publishing company.”
“I don’t know why he has it in for me.”
“He’s an idiot, ignore him.”
It made me wonder if Valentine and Aaron had history going on. Maybe they knew each other if Valentine’s dad worked for his.
“What kind of rumours would he spread?”
“You don’t know? He’d make out we’re gay for each other.”
I stared at him.
“Is that a bad thing?”
Aaron blinked and then his brow furrowed.
“I don’t want anyone to make fun of you, it’s not nice.”
“They’d make fun of you too.”
“Yeah, well, I can handle it.”
I wondered if that was true. And I wondered why people would make fun of us for being ‘gay for each other’. Who cared what other people thought anyway? It’s not like it was true. Aaron and I were just friends.
“A…”
“It doesn’t matter, okay? He won’t say anything.”
