by Sarah Bailey
“Rhys… I love you.”
He froze in place, his entire body going rigid at my words.
“What did you just say to me?” he choked out, his voice vibrating with repressed emotion.
I didn’t want to say it to his back again so I stalked into the room and rounded him. His eyes were so dark, they were almost black. He blinked when I came into view. I got up in his personal space, forcing him to meet my eyes.
“I love you.”
His mouth opened and closed like he couldn’t believe what I’d said.
“You asked me why yesterday. Why I kissed you. That’s why… I’m in love with you.”
His eyes flicked down to my mouth and then back up to my eyes. The silence between us widened until it felt like he would never speak. I couldn’t read his emotions like normal. He’d locked all of it down tight.
“Fuck you, Aaron,” he practically spat before turning away to walk out of the room.
I couldn’t let him do that. The reason being I’d felt his desperation when he’d kissed me back last night. I felt every ounce of need pulsing inside him because I knew Rhys like the back of my damn hand. I wouldn’t allow him to walk out on us as, on some level, he wanted me too. And he had to damn well face up to it.
I curled my hand around his wrist and tugged him back. Reaching out, I grabbed his other wrist and shoved him towards the wall until his back hit it. Rhys could easily overpower me and put a stop to this but for some reason, he didn’t. He stared at me wide-eyed whilst I pinned his hands to the wall by his head and leaned in close.
“You do not get to walk away from me again, Rhys, you hear me? Do not fucking walk out on us.”
He swallowed then nodded slowly.
Why did this make me feel so… good? I should be dying on the inside and to some extent I was, but having him pinned against the wall, him allowing me to be in control when he didn’t have to stirred my senses. Before I knew what I was doing, I’d ran my nose up his cheek causing him to let out a little pant. The noise the same as last night when I pulled back the first time our lips had fused together.
“I love you.”
“Stop saying that,” his words tumbled out on a ragged breath.
“Why? It’s the truth. Does it scare you? Does me loving you make you afraid?”
“Yes.”
His body trembled. I could feel it where my hands were holding his wrists. And I wanted to make his fear go away. Remind him of why the two of us never had to be afraid of each other.
“Tell me why.”
“You’re my best friend, A. This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen. I told you yesterday I needed us to be normal. And then you bloody kissed me, now everything is fucked up. I’m a mess and I can’t do this. I just… can’t. I… I’m so confused.”
I let go of one of his hands so I could stroke his cheek. He didn’t move it. He kept it there as if I was still pinning him down. As if he was afraid taking it away from the wall would mean it landed on me. I pressed my cheek to his free one, needing his touch so badly. Needing the physical connection between us.
“You kissed me back.”
“I know.”
“You don’t have to be scared. You’re safe with me. You always have been. I promised you I’d never leave, that I’d protect you. Let me be here for you. Let me be your shield and cover you when you’re feeling lost and in the dark. Let me take care of you. You need me as much as I need you. So don’t fight me.”
He shuddered. I knew what he needed. What both of us needed. We were exhausted and wrung out from what happened. So I did what I had to. Pulling him away from the wall, I walked him over to my bed. Rhys stared at me as I pulled his t-shirt off him followed by his shorts. I pushed him down on the bed, making him kick off his flip-flops. Then I tugged off my clothes, leaving us both in boxer shorts. I got in bed next to him, covering us with the sheets before I cradled him against my chest, stroking his hair and feeling sleep drag at my senses.
“What are you doing?” he whispered.
“Giving you what you need. Go to sleep, I’ll keep you safe.”
The moment I felt him relax was when I knew he’d given in. No matter how angry, confused and upset he was, he still needed me. His arm curled around me, his hand resting on my back. I kept stroking his hair until his breathing turned steady and even, fluttering across my chest with the rise and fall of his ribcage.
“I’ve got you,” I whispered against his hair as I buried my face in it. “I love you. I love you so fucking much. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t let go of us. I’ll beg if I have to. Just stay right here, Rhys. Stay with me forever… and let me love you.”
Chapter Twenty Six
I didn’t know what came over me when I got up this morning. Just the driving need to put an end to this torment inside me. It built and built until I couldn’t think straight any longer. Sleep hadn’t come at all. Not even after I had a long, very hot shower and fell into bed, feeling like absolute shit. A huge piece of me had gone missing and I knew exactly where to find it. Maybe it’s why I’d jumped on the bus at some stupidly early hour of the morning and gone over to his. I’d told myself I needed my things as an excuse, but it wasn’t true. I wanted to see him. Aaron was the very air I breathed into my lungs time and time again.
He was right. I needed him. It was only now I realised how much. Now when everything was a mess. My feelings and emotions were all over the place. I didn’t understand myself. Didn’t understand this sudden wave of attraction and need I felt towards him.
Why is it him? It makes no sense. I’ve never wanted anyone. Not like this.
I needed him to take it away for me. To be my shield like he said he’d be. I sure as hell couldn’t sort out the complicated mess by myself. And I couldn’t process what he’d said either. The part where he’d told me he was in love with me. That just about broke my already fractured mind completely.
I woke up still pressed against his chest, our bodies so tightly joined together I didn’t know where I ended and he began. Turning my head up, I found his eyes closed with his lips parted, breathing steady. I don’t know what came over me when I reached up and brushed the pads of my fingers across his bottom lip. Perhaps I needed to remind myself they were real and they’d been against me yesterday, kissing without restraint. With so much passion and fury it almost burnt me to a crisp despite the fact we’d been standing in the pouring rain.
This beautiful boy who’d befriended me. Who’d torn me out of my locked cage and set me free. Given me everything. He saw me as something more. He… loved me.
My fingers were still on his lip when his eyes opened. Those blue-grey eyes stealing my ability to breathe. His hand captured mine, holding it in place before he kissed the pads of my fingers one by one. My heart slammed against my ribcage. All of my senses became attuned to him. To the way he looked at me as he did it. Daring me to stop him. The heat simmering in them set my blood on fire.
He pulled my hand away from his mouth, not stopping for a second as he slowly bent his head down towards me. I sucked in air, unable to move or stop what was about to happen. He gave me all the time in the world to do so. Each inch of distance he closed felt like an eternity. Letting go of my hand, his closed around my face right before his lips pressed to mine.
Everything about it was soft, gentle and completely overwhelming. His eyes were still open, staring into mine. His tongue snaked out, licking, sucking and nibbling my bottom lip in a manner so sensual, I almost died on the spot. And I couldn’t prevent the whimper from escaping my throat either.
The noise made me bold. My hand tangled in his hair, pulling him closer so he’d kiss me harder. Kiss me the way he had done last night. I needed him to drown out the chatter in my head. To show me what it meant to be loved by him. To piece together all the broken pieces of me. God, I just fucking well needed him. So desperately. I wanted Aaron to do things to me. To… take me.
My eyes flutte
red closed. The rushing noise of my blood pounding surrounded me. The sensation of his mouth moving against mine, his tongue delving into my mouth and devouring me only made my fingers tighten in his hair. Everything about Aaron was hard. His body a solid force against mine, his edges digging into me. And I revelled in it. The feel of him. The touch of him. The taste of him. I let myself be open to the possibility in that heated moment between us. His teeth grazed against my bottom lip, sending sparks running down my spine.
“A, please,” I whispered on a shaky breath.
In response, he only kissed me harder. I wasn’t sure what I even wanted from him. What I was asking for. He seemed to know. He seemed to recognise whatever I was begging for. The hand around my face drifted down my shoulder, stroking along my bare side, making me shudder. Sinking between us, he flattened it against the hard planes of my stomach. Why did his touch make my skin burn? Why did everything about him drive me absolutely fucking crazy?
The moan erupting from me when his hand dipped below my boxers and circled itself around my cock scared the life out of me. It sounded so guttural. So unlike me in every single way. Not least of all because I hadn’t noticed how hard I’d grown from kissing him.
“Rhys,” he groaned, his hand slowly stroking up and down my dick, making my toes curl. “Touch me.”
The command in his voice made my nerve endings go haywire. And the feeling of his cock thrusting against my hip as he stroked me had me losing all sense of rationality.
“What?” I spluttered whilst he kissed his way down my jaw.
His tongue curled around the back of my ear, making me twitch.
“Touch me.”
I had a pretty good idea of where he wanted my hand. Even so, it terrified me. He might be touching me, but I didn’t know if I could reciprocate when all my feelings were so tangled up. My hand left his hair and ran down his side, curling around his hip, encouraging his thrusts against me. His hand tightened around me, stroking harder as if he knew exactly how to drive me higher.
“Those sounds you make are so fucking sexy. Do you like this? Huh? Do you want me to make you come? Tell me, Rhys. Tell me to make you feel good.”
The only response I could come up with was another whimper which had him panting in my ear. Something about the noise only made me harder. My cock pulsed in his hand. All my pent-up lust had spilt out all over the place. There was no denying it. Aaron turned me on. Especially this side of him. The demanding one. Pushing me beyond my limits and forcing me to open up to him.
“Please.”
“Say. It.”
“Make me come, A,” I whispered, almost unable to believe I’d uttered those words aloud.
“With fucking pleasure.”
Next thing I knew, he’d tore his hand out of my boxers and pulled them halfway down my thighs. Then he grabbed my hand and shoved it inside his clothes, making me curl it around his cock. I trembled at the feel of him.
“You’re going to touch me. I don’t care if you’re scared. Fucking do it, Rhys. Do as I say.”
Whatever side of Aaron this had dragged out, I had no idea, but the way he spoke to me only made me harder for him. So I did as he commanded. It’s not like I didn’t know how to stroke a dick considering I’d done it enough times to myself. He moaned and took mine in hand again. Then he captured my mouth and kissed me so hard, I thought I might stop breathing.
Nothing else mattered right then except the driving need to get us both off. It consumed me. My fingers tightened around his cock, stroking harder and making him moan in my mouth like I gave him everything he needed in life. My body felt so hot. The desire raging inside choking me.
“Rhys, fuck, yes, fuck, I’m so close.”
His encouragement against my lips had my heart tightening and my cock throbbing harder against his touch. If he was close, I was basically there. Nothing could hold it back.
“Aaron!”
My eyes rolled back in my head, body tensing as I erupted all over his hand and my stomach. I could hear him panting against my mouth, his breath coming out in spurts.
“Jesus, I love you,” he whimpered.
I felt hot ribbons of cum spurting all over my fingers, making a mess inside his boxers. Him shuddering against me, his body losing all control as he came right alongside me.
Neither of us said anything. The only sound in the air was our laboured breathing. Our eyes fixed on each other. That blue-grey was so harsh right then as if his loss of control with me made him wild. The sight of it made my heart do backflips in my chest. Searing into me with such an intensity, my soul drowned in him.
We released each other at the same time. The sticky mess on my hand didn’t bother me so much. It’s what we’d done that had me pulling away from him, tugging up my boxers and swallowing hard.
“What… what the fuck was that?” I whispered.
He blinked then his eyes turned sad and it killed me.
What did we just do? Have I lost my sanity?
“Rhys, please don’t freak out.”
My heart thumped. My chest caving in as the reality of the situation crashed over me. I’d let my best friend kiss me. Let him make me come whilst I touched him too. Made him fucking come.
Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
“Don’t… don’t freak out? You… you expect me not to freak out?”
He tried to reach for me but I tore myself away, almost falling out of the bed. I threw the sheets off and scrambled up. I reached out with my clean hand, ripping tissues from the box on his bedside table and wiping off the evidence of what we’d done together. I could feel his eyes on me but I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t fucking take it.
“Don’t shut me out… that’s not fair.”
“No, don’t do that. Don’t tell me it’s not fair and don’t bloody well tell me we need to talk about this either. Jesus, Aaron, we just… and you… and me… fuck.”
I threw the box of tissues at him and bolted from the room. Considering I wasn’t dressed, I slumped down on the top step of the stairs, putting my head in my hands. That was not how I wanted any of this to go. We should’ve had a fucking conversation about what he’d confessed to me. There should’ve been no kissing. No touching. No getting each other off like two fucking animals in heat.
I felt him beside me a minute later as he sat down and leant his head against my shoulder. No part of me felt it necessary to push him away. If anything, I needed his presence because the war going on in my head had my stomach twisting and my hands shaking.
“I know you’re scared. I know this is confusing and not what you expected. Trust me, I understand. I never wanted to feel these things about you, but I do. And on some level, you feel them about me too. So I’m going to sit here with you whilst you freak out.”
“How are you not freaking out?” I whispered.
He let out a soft chuckle.
“I’ve had a long time to get used to it. To come to terms with it.”
“How long?”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but something in the way he said it gave me pause.
“Ten years.”
I swallowed. The finality of it hit me. Aaron had always loved me. He’d always felt this way towards me. And I honestly couldn’t say I blamed him for never saying a word about it. He knew me. The way I was. My tendency to bolt when things got too hard or when I freaked out so much I couldn’t cope with it.
“That long, hey?”
“Yeah… that long.”
“Well, fuck.”
What else could I say? I could get mad and throw all kinds of accusations about how he’d lied to me but it wouldn’t change anything. Besides, I wasn’t angry. Not really. It wasn’t him having those feelings about me which was the issue here. It was my feelings towards him. The confusion they’d brought on.
Am I gay?
Not that it changed anything if I was. I just didn’t know for sure either way. How could I when the only person
I’d felt attracted to was sitting next to me? You’d think being a teenage boy I’d have taken the time to explore those things by watching porn or something, but it didn’t seem like a big deal not knowing. Until now. Now it seemed like a huge fucking deal.
“I don’t know what this means, A, and I don’t mean you liking me. I mean for me. I don’t know what it means for me.”
“In what way?”
I dropped my hands from my face and stared at the floor.
“I told you in the park, I don’t feel attracted to anyone. Not like the way people describe. You know I don’t like being touched by strangers. It makes me uncomfortable. It’s part of that. The only people I feel comfortable with are you and Mum.”
I sighed, rubbing my face with one hand.
“Whenever boys at school talk about girls, it’s all about how their tits make them hard or whatever, but I don’t get that. I don’t feel it. Objectively, I can see how girls and boys are like physically beautiful, but I don’t want to have sex with any of them. I don’t feel those sorts of urges towards other people.”
I hoped I was making sense because I didn’t feel like it. My thoughts were messy and jumbled, but I had to try to explain why this was so fucking weird for me. Why I didn’t feel normal. Why I couldn’t understand how when I was with him, I felt those urges.
“Because of that, I don’t even know if I’m straight or gay or something in between. It never mattered. At least it didn’t until… well… you.”
I dropped my hand and turned to him. His expression was neutral, but I had to face him when I said this. I had to do it for my own fucking sake.
“You make me feel, A. Just you. Yesterday when you touched my dick by accident, it confused the shit out of me. Especially when afterwards, I couldn’t get it out of my head and in the shower… well, you know…” My face felt hot, but I pushed on. “I got myself off thinking about you, then I got so fucking scared when you kissed me. Scared it would ruin everything between us. You are my lifeline in this world, I can’t live without you. So I don’t know what this means. I don’t know why it’s you, but it is and… and… I’m scared of what that means. For me and for us.”
