by Sarah Bailey
He reached up and stroked my cheek, making me shudder.
“You don’t have to figure it out alone. You have me. No matter what this means for you or us, you always have me.”
He dropped his hand and put his arms out for me. It took me a second before I let him enfold me in them, pressing my face into his neck and breathing him in.
“It doesn’t bother you I don’t know my own sexuality?”
“Why would it? You’re a big idiot if you think that would ever matter to me. My heart belongs to you, regardless. I belong to you just as you belong to me.”
The truth of his words settled over me.
“A…”
“Mmm?”
“I think I have to be a little bit gay if I’m into you.”
For a second I thought he might take it the wrong way, but then his shoulders shook and laughter bubbled out of his chest.
“Just a little?”
I nodded which only made him laugh harder. I smiled against his neck, feeling the tension between us dissipate.
“You’re a fucking idiot sometimes, you know that?”
“I made you laugh though.”
His fingers tucked under my chin, forcing my face up towards him. His blue-grey eyes twinkled as he leant closer.
“Mmm, I suppose you did.”
There was no hesitation on his part as his lips brushed against mine. And there was none from me either as I kissed him back.
Chapter Twenty Seven
I watched Rhys out of the corner of my eye, both of us sat up on stools tucked into the kitchen island. Considering we’d not eaten, I’d whipped up huevos rancheros for lunch. Something Maritza had taught me to cook. All of my skills in the kitchen came from her. She told me she was preparing me for living on my own. Little did I know that would come when I turned sixteen. To be honest, it didn’t bother me since Rhys was around here most days.
We seemed to have reached some kind of equilibrium earlier. Whilst he’d freaked out over the fact we’d touched each other intimately, I did not expect what he offloaded on me next. Honestly, it would never bother me how he identified, but I hadn’t realised how badly it affected him. How confused it made him feel. My heart fucking died in my chest at how miserable and broken he sounded over the whole thing. Even more so because it was his confusion over his feelings towards me which caused his distress. And whilst he’d let me kiss him again after he talked about everything on his mind, I wasn’t sure what we were now. Where we stood with each other. Or whether it was even a good idea to ask.
“How are we going to work it out?”
I looked at him. His eyes were intent on his food but his brow was furrowed.
“Work what out?”
“What I am.”
I should’ve known that’s what he meant.
“Um, I hadn’t really thought about it yet.”
For me, it was easy since I’d always felt attraction towards boys and not girls. Yet he didn’t feel sexually attracted to anyone.
Except you that is. He admitted his attraction towards you.
He wasn’t incapable of feeling attraction and desire, it just didn’t happen the same way for him as it did for other people. I could work with that… somehow. I didn’t want him feeling like he was broken or abnormal. Rhys was such a fucking beautiful person inside and out. He didn’t have to be like everyone else. He only needed to be himself. I loved him exactly the way he was.
“How did you know?”
“What? That I’m gay?”
He nodded. I realised it was the very first time I’d called myself gay out loud. It didn’t feel weird saying it to him. Maybe it would be telling anyone else. I couldn’t imagine attempting to tell my parents. What a mess that would be.
“I’ve always known on some level. I was never confused about it. I just knew I liked boys and you’re the only person who knows that about me.”
A grin split his face and he nudged my shoulder.
“Because I’m special?”
“Yeah… special.”
“Fuck off.”
I stroked his cheek which only made him smile harder.
“You are special to me.”
“A…” he breathed, his eyes flicking down to my mouth.
The cord between us tugged hard. I resisted it because I didn’t know if it was a good idea for me to kiss him again. Not when everything between us was so up in the air. Besides, I’d told him I’d help him work this out and kissing him wouldn’t make that any easier. I didn’t want to confuse him any further than he already was.
“Eat your food, special boy.”
I saw the disappointment in his eyes but I turned away and dug back into my own food so it couldn’t hurt me more than it already had. He had to realise how much I wanted him by now. This was for his own good even if I really, really wanted to fucking well kiss the shit out of him.
“Fine,” he muttered and picked up his fork again.
It didn’t stop him reaching over and stroking his free hand down my thigh, leaving it resting on my knee. I almost choked on my mouthful at the sudden contact. And my heart stopped at the next words out of his mouth.
“I thought we could watch porn together.”
I swallowed my food, trying not to lose the plot completely over Rhys’ sudden boldness.
“What?”
“Well, I figured maybe seeing it might give me a hint, you know.”
“And you need me for that?”
He gave me a searching look.
“You said you’d help me.”
“Yeah, but not by watching porn with you.”
It’s not as if I hadn’t watched it myself, but the thought of being next to him whilst it was on made me have all sorts of dirty thoughts. Ones about him and me naked together. Would I be able to control myself? I certainly hadn’t been able to earlier. Not when he’d looked up at me like that with his fingers on my lips. The need in his eyes damn near killed me. So I’d kissed him. And he hadn’t pushed me away. Hadn’t said no. Then one thing had led to another.
I shut those thoughts right down before my dick got hard from the memory of his fist wrapped around it.
“Is that too weird for you? Like watching girls I mean. I’d understand if it is.”
“Jesus, Rhys, no, I don’t care about that.”
I’d watched straight sex to make sure I really wasn’t into girls. Whilst it didn’t do anything for me, I didn’t find it gross. Besides, I’d do anything for Rhys, but I didn’t think this would be a good idea.
“Then what?”
“Do you think putting us in a situation where both of us might get turned on is really the best way to explore your sexuality?”
He was silent for a moment, his fingers squeezing around my knee.
“Oh. I didn’t really think of it like that.”
He chewed on his bottom lip, distracting me entirely since I wanted to be the one chewing on it.
For fuck’s sake. Is he doing this on purpose? Making me want him so much I lose all fucking control?
Now I knew what he tasted like, I wanted more. I wanted everything. But I couldn’t have that. For his sake, I had to silence those urges. Keep them on lockdown. One way of doing it was taking that damn lip out of his mouth. So I reached over and tugged his chin down, forcing him to stop.
“Don’t do that.”
He blinked.
“Do what?”
“Bite your lip.”
His eyes fell on me, brows furrowed.
“Why not?”
I stuffed another forkful in my mouth to save myself from answering despite his gaze burning into the side of my head.
“A? What’s going on? Are you okay?”
I swallowed and mumbled, “It makes me want to kiss you.”
Glancing at him, I watched his eyebrow raise. My face felt hot all of a sudden. Talk about fucking awkward. It’s not like he didn’t know I desired hi
m. I felt weird about admitting it out loud like that.
“And that’s a problem?”
I let out a lengthy sigh.
“Yes, it is.” I waved my fork at him. “I can’t be confusing you any further whilst you’re working this shit out. I don’t want you getting all mixed up over it and thinking you have to do stuff with me if it’s not what you really want.”
He was about to open his mouth when I stopped him.
“I want you to want me because you actually do, not because you’re confused.”
He pursed his lips. I thought he might drop it, but he leant over instead, his breath dusting across my ear.
“I’m not confused about you.”
“Yes, you are. I’m not going to kiss you again, Rhys. I shouldn’t have earlier.”
As hard as it was for me to say it and not act on the way I felt about him now he knew, I had to stay strong. Rhys needed to get his shit straight. I wouldn’t be the one who made things harder for him. I loved him too much for that.
“If you say so,” he whispered before his lips trailed along the shell of my ear.
I was about to tell him to cut it out when he pulled back, dropping his hand from my leg and going back to his food.
“Should we catch a movie later?”
I blinked at the sudden turn in conversation.
“Um… sure.”
“Cool.”
When I looked at him, his expression wasn’t remotely perturbed. If anything, he looked happy. I decided it was best not to press the subject. I wasn’t sure what else he expected me to do after his confession that his attraction to me confused him. Perhaps I should have been more concerned about why he’d been so quick to drop it. And his newfound boldness with me. In fact, I should have been really fucking concerned about it. Pity for me, I had no idea what was going through that beautiful mind of his. Absolutely no fucking idea at all.
Chapter Twenty Eight
I understood why Aaron had told me he wouldn’t kiss me again. It didn’t mean I had to like it. Because I didn’t. Despite freaking out over everything between us, knowing he loved me and wanted me regardless made it all easier to deal with. Whether I was straight or gay, didn’t change my feelings. I wanted to explore them. With him. Specifically. So now I was on a kissing ban, I felt extremely put out by it.
I could be confused about who I was attracted to all I wanted. Aaron was still Aaron. And I was still me. We didn’t need labels or terms to know we belonged with each other. That hadn’t suddenly changed because he’d confessed he loved me and I wanted him to show me exactly how much.
When we got to the cinema, I insisted on getting seats in the back. He hadn’t batted an eyelid over it but he should’ve. The place was almost empty given it was mid-afternoon and we’d picked a film which had been out for weeks. It only worked in my favour.
I watched him more than the actual film for the first half an hour. The way he sipped his Pepsi and stuffed his face with popcorn. We never shared because despite what Aaron said, he was a greedy little shit who’d eat the entire tub in one sitting. I’d learnt that early on so always got my own.
The seats at the back were those plush ones you paid extra for. He looked entirely relaxed, his legs spread out in front of him inviting me to admire every inch of his hard body. He dumped the popcorn in the seat next to him and stretched out further. I swallowed at the sight. It gave me ideas. Too many ideas.
What would he say if I crawled between his legs right now and ran my fingers up his inner thighs? Would he pant like he had done this morning in bed? Would he stop me?
No one else was in this row. There were maybe ten other people scattered across the seats below us. And this film was boring as fuck.
I didn’t know what was up with me. It’s like kissing Aaron had opened up a whole new world of possibilities. I wanted to experience everything. What every groove of his body felt like under my fingertips and perhaps my tongue. I wanted to touch him again but this time draw it out slowly so I could see him come apart in front of me… because of me.
Since when did you get so horny over your best friend?
This wasn’t exactly like me. I didn’t get all worked up over another person. Sure, I had the urge to pound one out on a regular basis because what seventeen-year-old didn’t. But I never had ‘wank bank material’ as those idiots at school liked to call it. It was just a physical release.
Did I hit my head too hard against the sea wall last night when he kissed me or something?
Aaron flipped a switch on inside me and I couldn’t fucking well turn it off. All of this shit was directed solely at him. It was all about him. The way he laughed. Smiled. Our bond which only seemed to grow stronger with each passing day. How I felt safe and wanted. Comfortable in my own skin. Except I was far from fucking comfortable right now. Not when I was itching to touch him. Not when thoughts of what we’d done earlier made me hard all over.
“Watch the fucking film, Rhys,” he hissed, startling me.
My eyes flicked up to his face finding him staring right back at me as if he could read my thoughts in the dark.
“Can’t,” I whispered back.
“Why not?”
“You’re right here looking all sexy and shit. I can’t pay attention.”
I swear to god he spluttered at my whispered words. Aaron didn’t get flustered often so to see it now even in a dark cinema was a sight to behold. And just to fuck with him some more, I reached over and ran my finger down his bare arm resting next to us. He grabbed his drink with his other hand and sipped at it. I could tell he was trying not to look at me or respond to what I’d said.
His self-control must be impeccable considering he’d had feelings for me for ten years. For some reason, I wanted to see him lose it so he’d pin me down and have his wicked way with me. When he’d done it this morning, shoving me against the wall and ordering me not to walk out, I couldn’t help the thrill of excitement it elicited despite the emotional turmoil both of us were going through at the time.
I wouldn’t be like this with anyone else. Not least because I didn’t feel things towards them the way I did with Aaron. My emotions were so intrinsically linked to him. We had a deep, intense connection with each other as best friends.
Continuing to run my fingers up and down his arm, I watched him shift in his seat. He ran his hand down his thigh as if getting increasingly agitated by my touch. It was a wonder he hadn’t told me to stop. Clearly, he didn’t want me to.
Did he crave me? How much would it take to get him to break his stupid kissing ban?
I shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts or even trying to push his buttons. Using my knowledge of him to my advantage like this. So why did I do it anyway? Why could I not stop?
I turned in my seat, leaning my head up against the back of it. My fingers trailed higher up his bicep and across his shoulder. I could feel his eyes on my fingers, watching their progress as they dipped down his collarbone and lower. His hand gripped the armrest as if to stop himself from reacting. Except his reaction was clear to me. The part of his mouth. His fist clenching on his thigh. He wasn’t the only one getting turned on.
You’re being bad and he’s going to lose it with you if you’re not careful. He’s already shown you how dominant he can be. Is that what you want?
Some part of me must do as my fingers were on his stomach now, so close to the hem of his jeans. Before I could go any lower, he snatched my hand up and held it away from him, his eyes burning into me. If I could see him properly right now, I knew the grey would be more pronounced. A storm was brewing and I was about to get completely swept away in it.
“Come with me,” he hissed.
He stood up, tugging me with him as he quick-walked down the aisle and the steps. I was hard-pressed to keep up with him. We were out the doors and striding towards the toilets a moment later. I swallowed hard when he dragged me in before shoving me into a cubicle and locking the door
. The moment his eyes met mine and I saw the hard edge to them, I knew I was in trouble. Big fucking trouble. He pushed me against the wall with an arm across my chest, pinning me down.
“What the fuck are you playing at?”
“You know what.”
“No, Rhys, I really don’t. Is this some kind of game to you? Because if it is, it’s not funny.”
It stung a little that he’d think I’d be playing games with him over this.
“Of course it’s not a fucking game, A.”
His eyes searched mine for a long moment.
“I already told you, we’re not doing this until you work your shit out.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“No? So you’re not happy to see me then?”
His eyes flicked down to where he’d pressed himself against me.
Yeah, that’s right, Aaron. I can fucking feel how much I’ve turned you on.
“You are such fucking trouble,” he muttered.
I bit my lip forgetting he’d told me not to this morning. His arm against my chest pressed down harder as if he was contemplating doing something he shouldn’t.
“You love that I am.”
Taunting him probably wasn’t the best idea I’d ever had. Not when I knew exactly what might happen when I did.
“I hate that you’re right.”
His arm left my chest and he dropped to the floor. Fingers dug into me as he tugged at my clothes. I stared down at his blonde head, swallowing hard at the sight of my best friend on his knees for me. The moment his fist wrapped around my cock as he freed me, I let out a shaky gasp. Then those blue-grey eyes of his flicked upwards towards me. I froze in place, unable to stand the heat and desire radiating from them. It licked across my skin as I watched his tongue slide out and trail its way up my length before swirling around the crown.
“Fuck,” I panted out.
His hand ran up my stomach, holding me against the wall. As if I’d be going anywhere right now. I doubted my legs’ ability to hold me up. Especially not when his mouth covered me.
