by Sarah Bailey
Had I remotely been expecting him to go down on me?
Hell no.
We stared at each other whilst he took me deeper. His eyes told me I’d pushed him too hard and now he was going to punish me for it. Punish me with pleasure. Because absolutely nothing could prepare me for the warm wetness of his mouth.
It took him a few minutes to find a rhythm since he’d not done this before, but it didn’t bother me in the slightest. Hell, Aaron could practice on me any time if it felt this good. His hand worked me from the base whilst his mouth suctioned over the head of my cock. His tongue bathed me, making me tremble.
“Aaron,” I moaned, trying to be as quiet as possible in case someone else was in here.
I couldn’t help wrapping my hand around the back of his head, my fingers digging into his scalp as he only sucked harder. And by god those fucking eyes. The taunting satisfaction in them did things to me. It got increasingly difficult to drag oxygen into my lungs. The sensations were too overwhelming. Too much.
“A, I can’t… going to… fuck.”
He didn’t stop despite my words. It’s as if he wanted me to come in his mouth. So when the first wave hit, my head fell back against the wall and I closed my eyes, letting it take me under. He didn’t falter whilst my cock spurted in his mouth over and over. And when I was spent, he licked me clean before readjusting my clothes and tucking me away.
I slumped against the wall, my eyes still closed as my legs struggled not to buckle underneath me. I felt him rise up and his hands connect with the wall by my head. He leant in close, his breath fluttering across my cheek.
“Is that what you wanted?” he murmured. “To make me lose control… because if so, it fucking well worked.”
“Maybe,” I whispered, my hands reaching out and curling around his hips, dragging him closer.
I opened my eyes and stared at him. He pressed his forehead against mine, letting out little harsh breaths as he struggled to regain his composure after what just happened.
“What am I going to do with you?”
“Give in.”
His eyes darkened.
“Is that so?”
I nodded, hooking my fingers in the loops of his jeans so I could keep him right there. He let out a sigh and I knew immediately I still had an uphill battle convincing Aaron I wanted him. Perhaps I should be putting my efforts into working out my sexuality, but my brain was consumed by thoughts of him instead.
“You don’t get it, Rhys. I can’t go through this if it’s an experiment for you. It already hurts enough as it is so don’t do this to me if it’s not real, okay? You’ll break my heart.”
My chest ached at the seriousness of his tone. Breaking his heart would kill me.
“Okay, A. I’ll sort my shit out first. I promise.”
It wasn’t an experiment for me at all, but if he needed me to work out how I identified before he took me seriously, then I’d do that for him. I’d do anything for the boy in front of me. He was my beating heart. My damn fucking soul.
“Thank you.”
“Anything for you.”
And I meant it. Now I had to do some soul searching. Some real, genuine soul searching. Perhaps some research too. Surely, I couldn’t be the only person in the world who didn’t experience attraction like normal people, could I?
Chapter Twenty Nine
I swear Rhys was trying to kill me. Actually trying to kill me. If not with those hauntingly beautiful dark eyes of his, then it was with his damn fingers and mouth. The way he’d teased the shit out of me in the cinema drove me fucking insane. And somehow, he got what he wanted despite how determined I’d been not to touch him in the ways I desperately wanted to. It’s not like I intended to shove him against a wall in the toilets and drop to my knees for him. I don’t know what the fuck came over me.
Hell, that had been the hottest experience of my life. The overwhelming sense of need lancing across my skin as I saw his cock up close for the first time. It made my damn mouth water. I’d acted on complete instinct, taking him in my mouth and driving him to distraction. I’d got off on the power it gave me over him. Seeing him tremble and pant whilst trying not to moan had been incredibly sexy.
Whilst I’d quite happily do it again and again as long as we both breathed air, the crushing weight of knowing I could be Rhys’ way of experimenting all but destroyed my enjoyment of it. I was not an experiment or a toy. He couldn’t play with my feelings. I’d made it crystal clear to him and I think he’d finally got the message. He needed to work out what was going on with him. Only then would I consider him wanting me as real. Right now, that boy was a mess of emotions and feelings. Us being intimate wouldn’t give him clarity. I had a feeling it would only confuse him more.
I let him out the cubicle when we’d both calmed down, ignoring the look the man standing by the urinals gave us when we walked out. In the toilets at the cinema is not where I imagined giving my first blowjob, but when it came to me and Rhys, all bets seemed to be off. It’d been nothing like I imagined and everything I needed. The feel of him. The taste of him. It’d driven me wild. The desperation and need between us stifling in the small space. As if years of pent up lust had overflowed and there was no holding back. I restrained him and Rhys surrendered. Just like the way I’d always imagined he would.
As we moved back towards our cinema screen, the very last person either of us wanted to see stepped into our path.
“Well, well, if it isn’t my two favourite gay boys.”
I almost groaned. Why did Valentine Jenkins have to be everywhere we went? I’d be convinced he was deliberately following us around if I thought he had any brain cells to plan such a thing. The prick had a habit of showing up when we least wanted him to. Like right now. After that intense moment between us. Here he was, calling us gay all over again. And quite frankly, it wasn’t far from the truth given what happened in the toilets.
Rhys stiffened at my side and my eyes flicked down to his hand to see him clenching his fist. Then the very next moment he relaxed, his posture growing languid and suddenly his fingers entwined with mine. A sharp tug brought me closer to him.
“Oh, we’re your favourites, are we? Who’d have thought? Did you hear that, A? Valentine likes us.”
The man in front of us spluttered, staring down at our joined hands with a confounded look on his face. His friends behind him looked at us like we’d grown two extra heads.
“What? No, I don’t fucking like you.”
Rhys nudged my shoulder, a grin flashing across his face.
“Oh, I think he’s just jealous.”
“J…jealous?”
“Of me and A here, and how free we are to be open with our affections. Clearly, you want what we have. Now, excuse us, we’re missing the rest of our film.”
Rhys tugged me away, leaving Valentine and his cronies staring after us.
“What the fuck was that?” I whispered as we quick-walked towards our cinema screen.
“That was us playing him at his own game.”
I shook my head as Rhys pushed open the door and pulled me inside before I had a chance to glance back at our childhood bully. We traipsed back up to our seats, but who the hell knew what was happening in the film anymore. To be honest, I hadn’t been paying as much attention as I should’ve been. Not when Rhys’ eyes kept boring a hole in my head.
He seemed particularly quiet as we sat back down. Did he regret what happened? Did it make him uncomfortable now it was over like it had this morning after we touched each other?
Stop worrying. He’d have told you if it was an issue.
I didn’t like the weird vibe I was getting. I hadn’t rejected him if that’s what he thought. Hell, I wanted him to work his shit out so fucking badly. If he did that, there might be a possibility, a chance his feelings towards me were very real. And we could explore it together. He could be mine. All mine. The thought of it made my heart slam hard against my ribcage.
I wanted that outcome so much, it threatened to choke me. Free rein of his body. The ability to touch and taste him with nothing holding me back. To love him in the exact way I’d dreamed of. Well, shit, it would be heaven. It would make me the happiest damn person in this world.
Still, right now, I had a feeling Rhys was a bit sore after what I said to him. And I didn’t want that. We were still best friends regardless of the sexual turn our relationship had taken. I always comforted Rhys when he was feeling out of sorts.
When I lifted my arm, put it around him and tugged him half across the armrest, he stared up at me for a long moment. I couldn’t see him properly in the dark but I knew he was questioning what I was doing.
“I know when you need me,” I whispered.
He settled his head against my shoulder and wrapped an arm around my waist without saying a word. And he stayed that way for the rest of the film even though it was probably not the most comfortable position for him.
When we walked out of the cinema together, I turned to ask him what he wanted to do now, but I found him watching me already.
“Do you mind taking me home?” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I should probably see Mum whilst Graham isn’t around.”
I didn’t want to call him out, but I knew it was an excuse. He didn’t want to be around me any further today. I saw it in his eyes. And maybe it was for the best. I only complicated things for him. I hated it. Hated I’d forced this mess out into the open by kissing him last night.
“Sure, no worries.”
This time as I drove, he tapped along to the music on the radio, nodding his head as the houses and streets passed us by. I had to wonder how he was really feeling, but I didn’t ask the question. Rhys needed to process and I had to let him.
Before he got out as I pulled up, I put a hand on his arm.
“Are we okay?”
His eyes met mine and the emotions swirling inside them threatened to undo me.
“We’re good. I’ll text you, yeah?”
He shrugged off my hand and got out without waiting for a response. My senses prickled as I watched him walk up the path towards his house.
Everything in his expression wrecked me.
Everything.
We were not okay.
We were most definitely not okay at all.
Fuck.
Chapter Thirty
I wasn’t sure what Aaron expected from me right now. He’d told me nothing else would happen between us whilst I worked my shit out, but then he still wanted things to be normal. They weren’t normal. Not at all. How could they be?
I scrubbed my hand across my face as I shut the front door behind me. He was usually the first person I talked to when I was feeling all kinds of crazy. It being him I was going crazy over meant I couldn’t do that.
I trudged along the hallway and poked my head into the living room as I could hear the TV going. Mum sat with her hands crossed over her chest watching a daytime TV game show.
“Hi, Mum, do you want a tea?”
“Ooh, that’d be perfect, love, thank you.”
Before she could question why I was home, I continued along to the kitchen, filled the kettle and flipped it on. Maybe I should talk to her about it. Mum always told me I could tell her anything. I don’t think she would care if I suddenly came out as gay to her. Not that I knew if I was or not. I mean, I had some idea considering how hard I got thinking about Aaron and his beautiful physique. It wasn’t the only issue at hand here though. There was also the whole thing with me not feeling sexual attraction in the way other people did.
I pulled my phone out, typing in a search to Google.
Why don’t I experience sexual attraction?
It came up with a ton of different hits. I clicked on the first article which talked about asexuality. The attraction I felt towards Aaron was raw and completely overwhelming so I didn’t think I was asexual. The kettle boiled. I stuffed my phone back in my pocket, not being any the wiser to why I felt the way I did. After making tea for both me and Mum, I took the mugs into the living room, handing one to her before I took a seat on the sofa.
“You okay, love? I thought you’d be out with Aaron.”
I almost flinched at his name. Of course, she’d bring him up. Aaron and I were rarely without each other, especially during the holidays.
“I was.”
She raised an eyebrow. I sipped my tea and swallowed hard.
“Are you two okay?”
Aaron wasn’t the only one who could read me like an open book. Mum tended to do it too.
“Yes and no.”
Her stare burnt into the side of my head as I looked down at my mug.
“What’s happened, love? Did you fall out?”
I shook my head. If only it was that simple. Nothing about me and Aaron was simple any longer. What happened had blurred the lines between friendship and more. There would be no going back no matter what.
“I don’t think I’m normal, Mum.”
She reached over and stroked the side of my head where my hair was cropped close to my scalp.
“What makes you say that?”
Talking to my mum about sexual attraction or my lack of it? Yeah, that was a new one on me, but what other choice did I have.
“Normal people are attracted to other people, like, you know, they want to sleep with them. I don’t feel like that… ever. I don’t know if I like boys or girls because I never thought to work it out. It never mattered until now.”
Her fingers continued their path along my head.
“That doesn’t make you not normal, sweetheart. Lots of people get confused about that stuff. It’s okay if you don’t know.”
It used to be. Until yesterday. Until Aaron kissed me. Until he touched me and made me want him. Now my entire relationship with him hinged on me knowing who I am. The pressure I felt was intense and unyielding. I wanted things between us to be okay and they really weren’t.
“It’s not though. I need to know.”
I looked up at her, finding her expression full of compassion which made my heart ache. Mum never made me feel like I was stupid or wrong for anything I did.
“Does this have something to do with Aaron?”
“How did you know?”
She smiled.
“Because I’m your mother and the two of you are inseparable. You always have been.”
I sighed and sipped my tea again. I couldn’t exactly tell her about all the physical stuff we’d done. That would be embarrassing as hell.
“Aaron kissed me last night,” I mumbled.
“And how did that make you feel?”
I rubbed my face.
“Weird, I guess. It scared me. Wait… why don’t you sound surprised about that?”
She chuckled and shook her head.
“Aaron looks at you like you hung the moon, love. It didn’t take much for me to put two and two together.”
Why didn’t I know that?
Probably because I didn’t want to see it. Aaron was the first and only friend I’d ever had. He understood me. Was there for me when everything got dark. He saved me from myself. I was confident and secure because of him. Except now I was far from confident about who I was. At least parts of me anyway. I’d not changed who I was deep down just because I didn’t know my own sexuality.
“I’m terrified of losing him, Mum. He’s everything to me.”
Her hand stroked down my cheek. I hadn’t shaved this morning so I’d already grown a rough patch of stubble. It’d started growing in when I turned sixteen. Since then, I kept it under control, but some days I forgot. Like today. I’d had other things on my mind. Like Aaron.
“Tell me what happened, sweetheart.”
“I have all these feelings for him… feelings of attraction which I’ve never felt before. It was like a switch flipped, you know. One minute he was Aaron, my best friend, and the next, I wanted more. But how does that e
ven work? I don’t like strangers in that way and I don’t even know if I’m… gay.”
Mum’s expression almost killed me. She had so much understanding in her eyes.
“And the worst part is everything is weird between us. He told me I had to work it out and that he’d help me do it, but he won’t let me explore with him. I do understand why. He loves me and he doesn’t want to get hurt if I decide I don’t want him like that.”
Saying it out loud made it so real. My heart felt tight. How could I ever have thought it would be okay to push him? He didn’t need that from me. This was such a fucking mess. I desperately wanted to apologise for my behaviour today. Aaron deserved so much better from me.
Mum took my mug from me and popped it and hers down on the coffee table in front of us. She wrapped her arms around me and tugged me against her chest, stroking my hair.
“Oh, Rhys love, I imagine he’s just as scared as you. It’ll be okay. You two will work it out.”
“I don’t know how to work out what I am.”
She pulled away and gave me a searching look.
“Have you tried looking it up online?”
“Not properly.”
“Maybe you should.”
“Maybe.”
Mum cupped my face.
“I just want you to be happy. I hope you know I love you no matter what. And I know Aaron loves you too. Whatever the outcome, he won’t abandon you.”
Out of everything, Aaron leaving me scared me the most. I needed him to survive.
“Thanks, Mum. Guess I needed to get that off my chest.”
“It’s okay, love. I’m here whenever you need to talk.”
I kissed her cheek before picking up our mugs and handing hers over. The two of us sat watching TV together whilst I finished my tea. There didn’t seem like much else to say. I knew what I had to do.
“Should I start on dinner?” I asked when I’d downed my tea and looked at the time.
“There’s a pizza in the freezer.”
I nodded and got up, taking our mugs through into the kitchen. I turned the oven on before washing up and getting some plates out. Then I leant against the counter and pulled out my phone. If I wasn’t asexual, there had to be another explanation. I spent the next ten minutes searching various terms online whilst waiting for the oven to heat up. I put the pizza in the oven, setting a timer before I clicked on another article. My eyes scanned down the description and hit on a word which gave me pause.
