Tainted Forever

by Terri Anne Browning

  Her face, so similar to our mother’s, was lined from the years of drug use and hard living she’d experienced before we’d met again. “Jason was running a little bit of a temperature from all the teething he has going on, so Dean stayed back at the hotel with him. Sorry I’m so late.” Her eyes went over my shoulder, and I felt her tense when her gaze locked on Kassa. “Oh… I thought it was just the three of us…”

  Kassa got to her feet, looking just as nervous as Eden now was. My two sisters stood there, anxiously watching each other, and my own nerves began to skyrocket. My hands started to sweat, and I seriously needed a shot of something strong so I could get control of myself and the situation.

  A soft hand grasped my own, squeezing it reassuringly. I closed my eyes, thanking God that Kin was there, that I had her to ease my frayed nerves and help me through this.

  When I opened my eyes again, it was to find Kassa wrapping her arms around Eden’s waist. “It’s so good to see you,” my baby sister told Eden. “I’ve wanted to meet you so badly, but every time I got up the nerve to ask Jace about it, I always chickened out.”

  Eden hugged her back, squeezing her tightly. “I was too scared to even ask Jace if I could meet you. It was a miracle he let me into his life. I was terrified if I asked, he would drop me on my ass.”

  Kassa stepped back, waving her hand at Gray. “This is my husband, Grayson Knight.”

  Eden gave a small smile and a wave. “Hi. I guess that makes me your new sister-in-law.”

  Gray held out his hand, giving her a tight smile as she shook it. “I guess it does. Good to meet you.”

  Eden and Kassa both looked down at Kin. My redhead stood, offering her hand. “Hi,” she greeted, her voice soft and calm, which helped soothe my nerves even more. “I’m Kin. Jace has told me so much about you.”

  A flush filled Eden’s face. “Oh God, I hope not.”

  Kin waved her comment away. “It’s okay. We’re all family here. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. We all have a past.”

  “I doubt any of yours is half as colorful as mine,” Eden tried to laugh.

  I pulled out one of the spare chairs between Gray and me for her. “Let’s order dinner, and we can all catch up,” I told her with a smile.

  The atmosphere at our table started off tense at first, but Kassa and Kin pulled Eden into talking about her son, and she quickly began to relax. As we ate our meal and the evening passed, I watched her open up a little more. By the time dessert was served, I had relaxed almost completely and was finally able to enjoy the fact that my older sister was going to be a part of our lives from now on.

  Chapter 29

  Kin

  I had less than a week before the tour was supposed to start, and I was scrambling to get everything finished in time. I was glad Kassa was back from her honeymoon because she helped me with a lot of it since she basically had to do the exact same things I did so she could go with Gray.

  She looked like she was glowing after her weeks away in both Hawaii and Paris. I was jealous of the tan she was sporting, and the way she kept touching her stomach like she was caressing her baby every minute of the day was super adorable.

  The last thing on my list was a trip to the gynecologist. That was also something Kassa did with me, because she needed to go for her first OB exam. Gray was with her, and I was kind of jealous they were going to hear the baby’s heartbeat while I had to go into another room for my exam and to have my implant replaced. They got to do the fun stuff and I had to go through torture, but they looked so happy when Kassa’s name was called that I couldn’t stop smiling even as I was told to strip and put on a paper gown for my own exam.

  I was just getting comfortable when my doctor came in, my chart in her hands and a nurse behind her. I was freezing, the sheet over my lap doing nothing to keep me from shivering as Dr. Baric sat on her little rolling chair in front of me.

  “How have you been, Kin?” she asked with a smile that was probably supposed to put me at ease. Nothing she said or did right then was going to accomplish that. She was about to look at all my lady parts, and all I wanted to do was pretend I wasn’t about to flash my vag at her.

  “I’m still getting over some stomach bug,” I admitted.

  “Those are a pain in the rear,” she said sympathetically. “How long have you been sick with it?”

  “A week or so,” I hedged. “Just a lot of nausea and fatigue at this point, though. I haven’t vomited in a few days.”

  “Good. And you’ve been keeping your fluid intake high?” I nodded. Jace had forced Gatorade and water on me for the past week. “Perfect. This bug has been one that likes to linger, but you should be good in a few more days hopefully.”

  She popped on her gloves and told me to sit back, doing the breast exam first. I grimaced as she felt me up, my boobs feeling tender and sore.

  “When was your last period again?” she asked casually as she felt around my areola.

  “I haven’t had one in over two years. The implant stopped them after about twelve months.”

  “No spotting during that time?”

  “Nope. Not a single drop in two years.” And I hadn’t missed it the entire time.

  “Scoot down for me and we’ll get your smear done, then we can exchange the implant for you,” she requested, and her nurse started putting everything on a little tray for her easy access.

  I scooted my ass down to the edge of the table and put my feet in the stirrups. I was glad the sheet was still over my lap so I didn’t have to see her face as she examined me. The speculum went in and I tried not to tense up, knowing from experience it only made it more uncomfortable, but it was cold and metal and I couldn’t keep my ass from clenching as her gloved hands touched my inner thighs.

  I felt her doing her thing, then she was lifting her head. “You’re sexually active, right?”

  “Yes,” I said, drawing out the word because there was something about her tone that had me suddenly on edge.

  “Only one partner?”

  My eyes widened. “I’ve only ever been with my boyfriend,” I assured her. “We broke up for a few months, but we’ve been back together for like six weeks now.”

  “And you’ve been having sex?”

  I leaned up on my elbows, looking down at her with terrified eyes. “Yes. Why? What’s wrong? Do I have an STD? Oh fuck, I have an STD, don’t I?” Tears stung my eyes. “He said he wasn’t with anyone else while we were apart. Did he give me something—”

  Her eyes softened, and she was shaking her head before I’d even started my freak-out. “No. Everything looks great down here. It’s just…” My heart was pounding, and I felt light-headed. “Sometimes the implant can finish early. Sometimes they are defective. Sometimes…”

  “What the fuck are you saying?” I cried out, unable to take her hedging a second longer. “Spit it out, damn it.”

  “Your cervix is soft and, with how sensitive your breasts were when I was examining them, I’m fairly sure you’re pregnant.”

  I sat straight up on the exam table, not even caring that the speculum was still in me. “No! No way. You’re wrong. I can’t be pregnant. I can’t. You are wrong.”

  “Just take it easy,” she soothed. “Let me finish up the smear, and then we can do a really quick pregnancy test.”

  “I can’t,” I moaned as I let the nurse push me back onto the pillow so the doctor could finish her exam. “This is crazy. I’m not pregnant.”

  The nurse patted my hand. “We’ll get you all sorted out,” she promised, her wise eyes full of kindness.

  “I’m about to go on tour,” I muttered, not sure whether I was telling her or talking to myself. “I still haven’t decided if I even want to move in with my boyfriend yet. My dad and I are just now starting to have a normal relationship. What the hell am I going to do with a baby right now?”

  There was a tap on the door just as the doctor was standing and I was closing my le
gs. The door cracked open, just enough for whoever was on the other side to speak. “Hey, Kin?” Gray’s voice called out, and I screeched. “Take it easy, I’m not coming in. We heard you yelling over here earlier, and Kassa wanted me to find out if you were okay.”

  “I’m fine,” I shouted at him. “Go away.”

  “You sure?” His voice sounded like he didn’t believe me, and I had to swallow the rising panic because he must have heard it. “Kassa is getting dressed. She can come in and sit with you if you need her to.”

  “No!” I rushed to tell him. “No. You two go on. I still have to get my implant replaced.” The doctor opened her mouth, and I shot her a glare, cutting her off, mentally screaming at her not to say a single word about my potential pregnancy. There was no way in hell I wanted Gray Knight to find out I might be pregnant before I even had time to absorb that possibility.

  “We’ll wait for you in the waiting room,” he assured me.

  “No, no,” I told him. “You two just go ahead and finish what you need to do. I’ll call an Uber.”

  “Okay. See you later, then.”

  The door closed, and I blew out a relieved sigh. The nurse assisted me into a sitting position, and I tucked the sheet around me tighter in an attempt to regain some sense of normalcy. In the matter of ten minutes, suddenly my life had been turned upside down.

  It was ridiculous the speed at which something as small as a single word could upend everything in a person’s life. I covered my face with my hands and waited for the doctor to finish what she was doing.

  “Kin, we’re going to step out and let you get dressed. When you’re finished, come out, and we’ll give you a cup to pee in. The test won’t take two minutes, and then we can talk again, okay?”

  I nodded mutely without uncovering my face. I heard them both leave and only dropped my hands when I heard the door click shut. Jumping up, I jerked on my clothes, trying to breathe through the panic which had triggered a new wave of nausea.

  The nurse was waiting with the little plastic cup, and I took it into the bathroom, my fingers shaking so badly I nearly dropped it into the toilet when I tried to pee in it. When I was done, I put it in the little window and turned the dial so it would appear in the lab next door. I washed my hands and went back to the exam room to wait.

  I couldn’t sit, my legs were too restless. I pulled out my cell phone as I paced. Jace was handling his own list of things to do, and I knew he was busy. I wanted to talk to him, tell him what was going on.

  It wouldn’t be just my life that changed if the test came back positive.

  I didn’t make this baby on my own.

  If there even was a baby.

  Shit.

  Did I want there to be a baby?

  My free hand touched my stomach, unsure what I wanted anymore.

  What I did know was that Jace was going to freak. Fuck. Oh God, what was I going to do?

  Sure, he wanted me to move in. And yes, he’d even asked me to marry him multiple times, but I wasn’t sure he was truly ready for that. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it either. Not when we’d only just gotten back together. I didn’t want to jump straight into that big of a commitment yet.

  But a baby, that was the biggest commitment a person could ever make in their lives. To create and raise a child. To be responsible for another human being who was so vulnerable and fragile.

  How would I even tell him anyway?

  Oh hey, yeah. So, the doctor looked at my vagina today and thought I was pregnant. Turns out, you’re going to be a daddy in blah-blah months.

  A hysterical laugh left me at the thought just as a tap sounded on the door. Seconds later, the doctor returned, minus the nurse. I caught my breath, waiting for her to deliver the news.

  Her face serious, Dr. Baric clasped her hands together. “Have a seat, Kin.”

  “Oh God,” I muttered but took the seat by the window.

  The doctor took her place on her rolling chair and scooted it over so she was only a few feet away. “The pregnancy test was positive.”

  “Fuck,” I breathed, closing my eyes.

  “You have options. This doesn’t have to be life-changing.”

  My eyes snapped open, and I glared at her. “I wouldn’t even consider that option,” I growled at her, my hands covering my stomach protectively.

  Dr. Baric’s eyes softened, and she smiled. “Okay then. The first thing we need to do is get that implant out of your arm. I’ll send it in to have it examined, see why it stopped working. The second, let’s get you an ultrasound done right away. I would like to determine just how far along you are before you head off on this tour of yours. Third, I’m going to write you a prescription for a prenatal vitamin you should take every day. I advise my patients to take them at bedtime because they can upset the stomach, so it’s easier to take them before going to sleep.”

  An hour later, I walked out of the doctor’s office with a handful of ultrasound pictures and my prescription. My eyes were on the top picture, my fingers tracing over the tiny little blob that was supposed to be my baby. I was almost exactly six weeks pregnant. It was crazy. As soon as Jace and I got back together, we made a baby.

  “Hey!” Kassa called out, and my head jerked around at the sound of her voice.

  She and Gray were sitting in the corner of the waiting room. Surprised to see them still there, I quickly thrust everything into my purse and zipped it closed before she could see what I’d been holding.

  “Hey. I…I thought you two were going on without me,” I told her with a tight smile. “You didn’t have to wait.”

  “Gray was concerned,” Kassa told me, glancing at Gray for a moment.

  His sand-colored eyes were trained on me, and I quickly looked away. “You okay? You look… Sick?”

  I lifted a shoulder in a half shrug. “Just nervous, I guess. The closer we get to the tour starting, the more anxious I get.”

  “Don’t be. You’re going to do amazing,” Kassa assured me. She linked her arm through mine. “Guess what?” I lifted my brows as we started out of the building, trying to focus on her excitement. “Because we have to wait so long for the next visit, when we come back, we will probably know what the sex is.”

  “That’s awesome!” I gushed, genuinely happy her for her even though my head was a chaotic mess.

  “How did your exam go?” she asked as we reached Gray’s car.

  “What?” I asked, distracted as I put on my seat belt.

  “Your exam,” she repeated. “Was everything okay? You were in there forever.”

  “Yeah, it went okay.” I slouched down in the back seat. “Gray, do you mind dropping me off back at my apartment? I just remembered there are a few more things that need my attention.”

  “No problem.”

  In the front seat, the two were talking nonstop about their first prenatal exam. I barely heard anything they said on the whole ride, too lost in the realization that I’d just had my first one too. Kassa and I were going through the exact same thing, only she was over the moon about her pregnancy, and I was still freaking out. Gray seemed just as happy as she was, but I didn’t know what to expect from Jace when I told him.

  What if he got mad?

  What if he didn’t want the baby?

  What if—

  “You want us to wait for you?” Gray’s voice cut through me like a blade, and I jerked in surprise, realizing he’d parked in front of my apartment building in West Hollywood.

  I scrambled to unbuckle my belt, my fingers feeling numb as I fumbled for the door handle. “No, no. I’ll be fine. Th-Thanks for the ride.”

  “Kin, are you sure everything is okay?” he asked, his hand catching my arm when I would have jumped out of the vehicle.

  I nodded. “I’m good. Just a lot on my mind.” Totally not a lie. I patted his hand, touched by his concern, then pulled away and got out. “See you two later,” I called with a wave.

  He stay
ed where he was until I was in the building and I waved to them again. But as soon as they drove off, I began to crumble. I tried to hold on until I was upstairs in my room, and as soon as I had my door locked, I slid down to the floor, unable to control the sobs any longer.

  Chapter 30

  Jace

  It was getting late when I finally got home. Since Kin had to take care of her doctor’s appointment, I’d gone over to Kale’s to make sure we had everything we needed. I ended up having dinner with him and Santana before stopping at First Bass to grab a beer with Harris now that he was back at work a few nights a week.

  “Kin?” I called out when I heard chatter coming from the direction of the kitchen. Pushing open the door, I looked in, surprised when I saw only Kassa and Gray sitting at the island eating a bowl of fruit. “Oh, hey. How did your prenatal visit go?”

  “We heard the baby’s heartbeat!” my sister squealed. “And next time, we get to see if it’s a boy or a girl because we’ll be gone for so long on the tour.”

  I walked into the room, pulling a beer out of the fridge. “That’s great. What do you want?”

  “I want a girl, but Gray says he doesn’t care.”

  “Just want Kassa and the baby to be healthy,” Gray told me, popping a strawberry into Kassa’s mouth. “Son or daughter, I’m okay with either or both.”

  I choked on my beer. “Both? Are you having twins?”

  My sister’s laugh was precious, but she shook her head. “No. Gray’s just already thinking of more babies.”

  “We only have the one extra bedroom, Kas,” I reminded her. “One for now is enough until you two find a house.”

  “We’ve been looking,” Gray said. “Just not where you would think we should be looking.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?” I demanded. “I know you two enjoyed your time in Paris, but you’re not moving there.”

  “Of course not!” Kassa exclaimed, rolling her eyes. “Actually…” I lifted my brows at her when she paused. “We’ve been talking to realtors in Bristol, Jace,” she finally mumbled.