All or Nothing

by Riina YT

  “Hey, Remmy? I think I’ll go have a look outside really fast.” Remmy stared at me wide-eyed, his pink tongue darting out and brushing his lower lip. “Why don’t you climb into the back seat and relax, okay? I’ll be quick.”

  ♥

  Chapter Five

  Remmy

  “What? No. Don’t be stupid, it’s freezing and…and it’s madness outside.”

  “Yeah, I know.” Carter blinked and nodded. “But I think I heard a police car. There’s gotta be someone who knows what’s going on,” he said, looking confident and sounding a little too casual for my liking.

  “Um, there’s a blizzard going on?” I didn’t like that I was panicking but honestly, I’ve never been very good with confined spaces, and the unknown of the snowstorm only fueled my worry. Having Carter as a distraction, to keep me from focusing on the small space and the blizzard slowly turning us into ice sculptures, would help to keep my cool—no pun intended.

  “If the police got here it should be safe now to step outside, don’t you think?” Carter’s lips curved up into a gentle smile. “It’s only snow and a little wind, Rem. I’ll be fine.”

  A little wind? Was he insane?

  “I’d rather you stayed here with me.” It slipped out the moment I opened my mouth. Carter’s expression softened. I was fascinated by the transition from concerned and serious to…pleased?

  “Okay,” he whispered, then shooed me into the back of the car. I turned around awkwardly. “I’ll stay with you,” he promised. With his attention on me, I wriggled into the back seat.

  I shoved my laptop bag to the far side of the bench seat and waited for Carter to join me. He was leaning forward with his upper body hovering between the front seats. A moment later Carter lowered himself through the gap and said, “Okay, watch out.”

  His intense gaze locked with mine, and he flashed me a cheeky grin. The cold weather has gone to his head! I barely recognize him! But then, I’d never had the chance of being alone with Carter before. I quite liked this unexpected, playful side of him.

  “Uh, Carter,” I started saying, but it was too late; he’d already squished himself through the gap and very purposefully landed half on me, straddling my lap. He smelled like one of those ocean-scented laundry detergents, as if he had stepped out of a shower only moments ago. His right hand gripped my shoulder as his leg gave out, and somehow, Carter managed not to slide off me completely.

  When Carter lifted his head, our eyes met. His cheeks dimpled, and I glared at him but had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from returning his lopsided grin. There was no way I could do anything but play along, especially when he looked at me like that.

  “Sorry,” he whispered and brushed his knuckles across my left cheek, which heated incredibly fast the moment his body collided with mine. The touch sent a lick of heat straight to my groin, and I sucked in a shaky breath. All of a sudden, the air around us was charged. Is he going to kiss me?

  “Dude,” I breathed, a chuckle escaping me. I was a little awestruck and couldn’t string together two words, let alone a complete sentence. Carter was holding himself up now with his other hand on the backrest, but damn, he was so, so close. My skin tingled and—screw everything—I wanted him to kiss me, really, really badly.

  “Dude,” Carter repeated, humor crinkling the skin around his bright eyes. Then he leaned back with ease, still wearing that dopey grin. His high cheekbones had reddened, too, which made me feel a bit better about myself. At least he wasn’t completely unaffected by his little act.

  Straightening up, he quickly rolled to my left and squished into the corner, resting against the door.

  Carter held his arms open wide, lifting a blanket with one hand. “Come on, Remmy. Scoot closer.”

  A pause.

  “I don’t bite.” Holding up his free hand, he crossed two fingers. “Promise.”

  I chuckled and, swallowing nervously, slid closer and closer, so very aware of every inch of the little space between us disappearing as I moved. His body was now right there, our hips and shoulders touching. I was glued to his side, and I liked it more than I had words to describe.

  “Okay.”

  Carter turned a warm gaze on me, and I nodded; my head must have been moving on its own since the rest of my mind short-circuited at the very moment his face split into a wide, gentle smile. Carefully, he covered us both with the thick, red woolen blanket. He wriggled his feet, and then he pushed closer still, gently nudging my side and holding my gaze. My head spun, and my dick jerked, desperately struggling for room. How he had me this hot and bothered with just one look was a mystery. His blue eyes were so close, so bright, I feared they might swallow me up completely. I couldn’t look away. I had to see his face, his expression. So desperately did I want to know what he thought when he looked at me like that, all warm and open.

  “Do you like gummy bears?”

  “Huh?” What an odd question. My brain struggled to make sense of what he was asking, and why, when Carter produced a small-sized plastic bag of colorful gummy animals. Oh. Yeah, I liked them all right.

  “Do you have to ask? Nobody in their right mind says no to gummy bears.” I followed the movement of his hands, as Carter ripped the pack open, then held it out to me. “Thanks.”

  I took a handful of green, yellow, and red gummies, while Carter picked out the white and green ones, strategically avoiding any reds or yellows.

  “No red ones?” Who didn’t like the red ones? “They’re usually so popular. I always have to fight everyone for them; my cousins are the worst, those little monsters.”

  “Brian’s worse, I imagine,” Carter offered, tugging the blanket higher, all the way up to his shoulders. Looking so comfortable and amused, I could almost forget where we were. In fact, I hadn’t thought about the blizzard trapping us until now.

  “True. The guy’s worse than my kid cousins.” I snickered. “Wait.” I narrowed my eyes and poked his chest. “How do you know he's never let me have any?”

  Carter shrugged, chewing. “I notice things, I guess.” His eyes crinkled when he grinned, looking suspiciously pleased, while popping a few of the chewy sweets into his mouth.

  I bit my lower lip, then reached for the bag in Carter’s hand, avoiding his gaze as my cheeks heated. His eyes bore into me as I took a couple more. Carter turned the bag over and emptied it on his opened palm, revealing four yellow, two green, and one white gummy bear.

  “I do like the red ones,” said Carter. “But I can’t stand the yellows. I’m not very fond of anything orangey in general. Can’t stand Fanta or, well, oranges.” He took the green and white ones, then offered me the yellows, my fingers tingling when they came in contact with his skin.

  Okay, this was absolutely ridiculous!

  I swallowed. My gaze locked with Carter’s and I willed my heart to slow down. His cheeks reddened. Holding two gummy candies to his lips he slowly sucked them into his mouth. I couldn’t tell if he did it on purpose or if that was how he usually ate his candy. I couldn’t look away from his red, red lips. My mouth was watering for something other than gummies.

  Mirroring the move, I made my last two gummy bears vanish behind my own lips, imagining sharing the syrupy taste on my tongue with Carter. I wished I was bolder, so I could lean forward and take what I wanted so badly. Hopefully he would make a move soon, or I… I didn’t know how this scenario could possibly end. Did he want me to make a move? By now, I was certain there was definitely something happening between us.

  Carter was still looking at me, his eyes bright even in the dim light of the car. They were focused completely on me, awakening the butterflies in my stomach. His mouth curled into a gentle, teasing smile, and tiny laugh lines appeared at the corners of his eyes. He was so beautiful. And he was giving me all of his attention and then the sweetest, most tender look. There was a hint of wickedness in it, too, a touch of something I so desperately wanted to see more of.

  I was about to break the silence because th
is—this moment between us—had gotten too intense, and I wasn’t quite ready to overcome my shyness yet, when suddenly, there was a nudge against my thigh, and I froze. My breath caught. Carter’s fingers brushed along my inseam and up and down my leg until his palm covered my knee, resting there. Shit, he was turning my entire body into wobbly jelly with just one damn touch.

  “Is this okay? Are you comfortable?” Carter’s voice barely carried. His eyes flicked nervously back and forth. Did he think I would recoil and punch him for touching me?

  “’S good.” My skin tingled, and I was afraid to say more, in case it’d break the moment. This slow approach was pure torture but I wouldn’t want it any other way. There were no sounds except our breathing. Leaning against Carter was perfect, his hand rested on my leg like it belonged. I wanted it to belong so desperately. How we’d gotten into this position, I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t want to question it either. There is no boyfriend; this is okay.

  “So, um, Carter?” I paused. How did I word what I wanted to say? I couldn’t just ask if he wanted to make out with me, right?

  “Yeah, Remmy?”

  My smile wobbled—damn nerves! “Maybe we could use this opportunity, as messed up as it is, to get to know each other better.” I swallowed nervously. “If you want to, I mean.”

  “It’s like you read my mind, Remmy.” Carter smiled softly and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. There was a spark in his eyes when he said, “How do you suppose we could get to know each other better?” The playful smirk on his lips was kinda sexy.

  “We could play a game?” I suggested helplessly, a familiar heat rising up my cheeks to the tips of my ears. A game? Really, Remmy? It was stupid, but didn’t it bring people closer? Friends played board games or video games all the time. I doubted either of us had packed Monopoly or a box of cards though.

  Carter grinned. “Much fun as I think it’d be to beat you at Scrabble, that’s the last thing on my mind right now, Remmy.” Something soft and warm nudged my hand. I lowered my eyes, and a smile lifted the corners of my lips at the sight of Carter’s fingers caressing my skin.

  Was it weird such a small gesture turned my insides to boiling jelly? I couldn’t keep my smile from splitting my face.

  “No Scrabble? Okay. Noted.” I sought out Carter’s eyes. His gaze caught mine, and the warm gooey sensation intensified. “What do you feel like doing instead?” Not like there was much we could do, being stuck in a car and all.

  The way his dark eyes bored into me told me everything. I wanted to hear Carter say it though, say he wanted the same things I did.

  The air was charged, our bodies too close, and damn, Carter still only stared at me. His gaze dipped to my mouth and my heart started racing. He pulled his lower lip between his teeth and it drove me crazy. Hooking up with guys who I only just met didn’t work for me, at all. Given the chance, though, I wouldn’t turn Carter away. After all, back on campus our paths crossed all the time, and I’d had a lot of time to observe and admire him. And hadn’t we gotten to know each other a lot more today? He wasn’t a stranger anymore, and I totally dug this sweet and attentive side of him.

  The need to kiss him, to feel those lips against my own was strong, absolutely crazy. I never wanted someone’s kiss this bad. Not even Ryan Follesé, the cute guy from Hot Chelle Rae, who I had a printed photograph of hidden between my notebooks. Ryan, with his blond hair, sunglasses, tattooed chest, ripped shirt, and one nipple showing. It was the hottest thing I’d seen back then, and I never stopped drooling over him.

  After the longest, most crucial stretch of silence, I couldn’t stand the suspense any longer. My feet were cold, despite the blanket we were sharing. I was restless and a little frustrated with all the pent-up wanting, and the rock between my legs. What was he waiting for? Time had frozen along with the car’s windows, and the charged silence drove me insane. I had to do something, say anything to keep my mind busy or else I was afraid I might slip into that embarrassing panicky mode again. I suffered from claustrophobia since I could remember, and while I found elevators doable on a good day, being stuck inside a snowed-in car was starting to be a real challenge. It was eerily quiet outside, and the darkness surrounding us didn’t necessarily make me feel any better.

  “I remember the first time I saw you,” I blurted, nearly biting my tongue as soon as the words left my lips. Why couldn’t I simply lean forward and claim Carter’s lips in a searing kiss? I wanted to. How much will change between us if we open up and talk more about personal stuff, our dreams and hopes. Feelings even? Am I brave enough to find out? It should be a good thing, before any kissing happened, right? But there was no rush, and I was sure it would happen eventually, the kissing. I hoped like hell it would.

  Carter shifted beside me. A squeeze to my knee. “Oh yeah?” His voice was low and hesitant, sending my heart racing again. “Do tell, now I’m curious.”

  “Last September, freshman year, shortly after classes had started. At the coffee shop down on Pine Road. You wore a white baseball cap and that denim jacket you seem to love so much. I heard you order a chai tea latte. Then you left in a hurry. I thought, God, I’m glad I came here!”

  The corner of his mouth lifted on one side. “How so?” he asked with another torturous squeeze to my knee—not because it hurt, but because I was so turned on by his touch alone.

  “First week in a new city and I saw the most gorgeous guy in my life. Moving there had already paid off.” I laughed nervously, pulling the blanket closer to my chest in an attempt to hide a little. What I wouldn’t give for a nip of whiskey to calm my nerves.

  After that morning in the coffee shop, I’d seen Carter around campus constantly. He was everywhere I looked. Laughing with his friends before class, reading books during free periods, throwing Frisbee with the girls or kicking soccer balls with the guys, walking across the parking lot to his car. And not to mention all the parties Cody dragged me along to!

  “Next time I saw you, you were sitting in my Advanced Composition class. I couldn’t believe it, my chai tea latte guy! Then right after my final lecture you were there again, at the Veterans’ Fountain. You stood across from me, on the other side of the marble blocks and violet flowers, amid a herd of chatting girls in skimpy dresses, clutching a forest-green backpack.”

  Carter chuckled, and this time, squeezed my thigh. His hand had wandered up and down my leg, and I loved it, loved that he obviously wanted to touch me. It was dizzying to think he might want me the way I wanted him.

  “I noticed you too. You wore a red T-shirt with a huge panda-face print. The red one you wear, like, once a week.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. He meant my lucky shirt. “Ah, yeah, it’s my favorite.”

  “Figured.” Carter grinned. Now that he was no longer driving, his gaze drifted toward me every chance he got. Staring at me. It was like he couldn’t look away, like he didn’t want to miss a second of this. Holding me. Cuddling me. I willed my nervousness to go away. I mean, I’d wanted to be close to Carter for a long time, so why couldn’t my body go along with my mind and enjoy this moment? It wasn’t likely to come by again anytime soon.

  I squirmed a little, my cheeks heating again, because—fuck—I remembered what he was seeing when looking at me. Bright, turquoise hair which had obviously freaked him out earlier. I was the shy, odd guy with the flashy blue-green hair!

  Nothing could’ve saved me from that overwhelming wave of self-consciousness, plunging my stomach into the basement with an enormous pang. I reached for my colored bangs and brushed them away from my face with the back of my hand. Nervously, I tucked them behind my ear and pulled my beanie lower, trying to disappear.

  “You all right, Rem?”

  “Yeah…sure.” Another intoxicating squeeze to my thigh. My mind was spinning and my face burning under his scrutiny. And all of a sudden, the idea of suffocating in a confined space popped into my head and cut off my air supply, the panic hitting me hard. It came as a surprise, conside
ring how good I’d dealt with it so far. Sometimes the panic sneaks up on me.

  Think happy thoughts; think happy thoughts. There’s enough air to last all night!

  “I…err, I think I should have mentioned that I might be a teensy bit claustrophobic.” Biting my lower lip hard, I turned away.

  “Shit, Remmy. I’m so sorry we’re stuck out here.” Carter pulled me closer. Squished to his side, I could actually breathe a little better. “Is there anything I can do?”

  “Nah. It’s okay. I guess…I’ll just pretend we’re…not stuck, crammed in the back seat of your tiny car, stranded on the highway without knowing what’s going on outside, left to either suffocate or starve, whichever comes first.”

  Carter’s laugh sent pleasant chills down my body, and he squeezed me tighter, held me closer. When he leaned down a little, his face merely inches from mine, my eyes zoomed in on his. I wanted to really see him, to know everything, to learn all his secrets. Map every inch of his body with my lips, my tongue. Press my lips to the tiny beauty mark near the corner of his right eye, seemingly invisible until you were this close.

  “Ha! I’m glad my distress amuses you.” I searched his face, my gaze darting back and forth between his nose, eyes, and mouth. I couldn’t help it; he was so close, and I wanted to bring my lips to his, wanted to kiss him so badly I was surprised he couldn’t hear my thoughts in his own head.

  What I was about to say had the potential to fuck everything up.