All Your Fears

by Peter Hodgson

  She had mentioned the Gao String Quartet would be performing at the Sixth Form Centre during the last week in April. Jay said he might go along with her. He wasn’t fond of the sound of violins, violas and cellos, but a night with Gemma …

  The choices were simple and straightforward – walk pleasant pastures, or swim the lake of uncertainty.

  ***

  ‘Take me to the Swan Hotel as fast as you can,’ said Kim. ‘You’re ten minutes late.’

  ‘Apologies, miss. The last job I did they kept me waiting. I’ll do my best, and I ain’t jumping no lights. Not for you. Not for nobody.’

  His casual attitude incensed her. He made a U-turn and set off. As usual, the roads were busy for the time of morning. Luckily, all the traffic lights showed green during the journey.

  Kim slipped into the hotel quiet as a shadow and hung up her coat. Eagle-eyed Denise walked hurriedly towards her. Her mouth was fixed in an expression of irritation. Kim wasn’t surprised. She knew Denise resented her, partly because Andy showed kindness and was lenient. Kim took two steps up the stairs. Denise pulled on her sleeve. ‘This is it,’ she thought, ‘either a bollocking or the sack.’ She hoped to calm Denise by asking if Andy was working on the first floor.

  ‘I don’t see why you should need to see him.’

  ‘I only –’

  ‘He’s not on the first floor. Why are you late?’

  Kim didn’t think a stolen dog would cut any ice with her. ‘My mother has died of a heart attack this morning.’

  Denise’s shoulders sank, her jaw dropped from genuine shock. ‘Oh, my dear girl, you should have told me.’

  ‘It’s all right. I can do my work. Work is the best thing for tragedy.’

  ‘For sorrow, my dear,’ Denise corrected. ‘You will need time off for the funeral, won’t you?’

  ‘Yes … It would be appreciated.’

  ‘Tell us when you have the date. Put your coat on and go home. You shouldn’t be here at such a time as this. Come back tomorrow. I’ll see to it you are paid for today.’

  Kim made a fake, weak smile. ‘Thanks ever so much.’

  Denise waved her to go. ‘Be off, and take good care of yourself.’

  Kim hurriedly got into her coat and went outside. ‘You should have given me the whole week off, you old cow,’ she said, under her breath.

  She reflected on her next move regarding Smarty. A ‘lost pets’ advert in the local newspaper came to mind. She dismissed the idea. If he was wandering the streets on his own somebody would have seen him. Whoever had him would no doubt keep him out of sight. She traipsed along High Street with dejection in her heart. At least she had the day to herself. Denise wasn’t such a nasty person after all.

  A guilty residue for not explaining the truth smouldered inside her. She sauntered into the open market, bought some groceries and sweets at Thackeray’s stall. She wormed her way through the groups of shoppers, oblivious to the chatter and the vendors’ pronounced voices. She wondered if Jay had abandoned her, and feared she would never see him again. She grasped her phone but was distracted by the jangle of a doorbell. She turned her head and focused on the poster affixed to the café window. She had seen her face and spoken to her in vivid, disturbing dreams. The poster of missing twenty-three-year old Kerry Halpin had faded slightly. Kim stood next to the window, studied the face, perceived features similar to her own. Halpin’s eyes were the same shape as hers; the colour of her hair was dark, as was Kim’s natural colour. She traced the outline of the eyes, nose, and mouth. ‘I should have been there earlier,’ she whispered. ‘I should have told them …’ The shop door opened inwards. A well-dressed lady came out, holding her daughter’s hand. The little girl smiled at Kim and looked over her shoulder as she walked away. Kim returned the smile. A pang of shame engulfed her. A lump formed in her throat and a resigned expression settled on her face. She moved on towards the stalls. A voice called out her name. Emma waved and closed the gap between them, dragging her son, Samuel, along with her.

  ‘Hi, Kim. What’s up? You look like shit.’

  ‘I don’t feel so well. A bit of fresh air is what I need. How’s it going?’

  ‘Not so bad. I’ll be glad when the break is over and he’s back at school. Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’

  ‘I’ve been given the day off. My dog’s gone missing. He’s been stolen.’

  ‘What a horrible thing to happen. There are some right scumbags in this town. It’s not surprising you’re down in the dumps.’

  ‘Yeah, my life is crumbling away. Stuff’s happening I can’t explain.’

  ‘Move somewhere else. You said you weren’t sure you wanted to stay in this crap town.’

  ‘It’s a nice town, Em. I’m just having a bad time. Things will change for the better, I’m sure.’

  ‘You hope … Here, stick these in your pocket.’

  Emma surreptitiously passed two packets of rolling tobacco to her.

  ‘Thanks. I hope they haven’t been knocked off.’

  ‘Would I do such a thing?’

  Kim raised her eyebrows and smiled at Samuel. ‘And how are you, young man?’

  He stuck a finger in his mouth and looked up at his mum.

  ‘We’re going to the sweet stall,’ Emma said, ‘and I’m going to have a cuppa and a sandwich in the café. Do you want to come with us?’

  ‘No, thanks.’

  ‘Give me a call when you’re feeling up to it.’

  ‘Will do. Bye.’

  Kim watched them melt into the throng. She wished her life was as carefree.

  ***

  Kim relaxed in the cold silence of the room. She hand-rolled six cigarettes, swept the tobacco debris into the bin and listened for any sounds coming from the Dagnall’s house. The sound of the TV or their voices was a comfort to her. ‘Perhaps they’ve gone to bed early,’ she thought, ‘or gone out for the evening.’ She picked up her diary and made an entry in her neat, rounded style of writing: My friends seem a million miles away. Mum is just a memory. Maybe Jay will be a memory too. Smarty has been taken from me. I’m having a dreadful time. Can’t cope with the strain. Bad memories return. I think of those horrible times I spent with him in a drab flat. Why was I so blind? I see her face in my dreams. It will never go away. So young and pretty. Gone forever.

  Kim snapped the diary closed, lit a roll-up and paced the room. She looked at the fence in the garden and dragged the curtains into position to block the view. She sat down and ruminated over the possibility someone had been following her, watching her every move. A chill of fear came swiftly, suppressing the sense of security she was once accustomed to.

  She recalled the evening when Smarty had scared someone away from the fence. Was the same person responsible for stealing him? The question came with a shudder. ‘Can’t be true,’ she thought, ‘not unless he was looking to see if Smarty was in the garden on his own … That could be the reason why. Someone out there is stealing dogs either to sell them or use them for … No, I’m not having it. They wouldn’t allow such a lovely dog to be ripped to pieces.’

  She drew heavily on the smoke. Her dismissal of such a disturbing idea betrayed a mind already steeped in uncertainty.

  A few hours crept by and sleepiness encroached on her. She cleared the table, climbed the stairs. A car pulled up. ‘Jay’s here,’ she thought. ‘He’s come to see me.’ She rushed to the door to find Gill and a younger woman smiling at her. A panting dog stood by their side, tail swinging energetically. Kim was overwhelmed with euphoria. She bent down, kissed and cuddled him. Smarty returned his pleasure by licking her.

  ‘Go easy,’ Gill said. ‘He’s been injured, but not badly.’

  They followed her inside. Smarty limped his way into the kitchen.

  ‘I can’t believe it, Gill. I never thought I’d see him again.’

  ‘Karen saw him by the kiddies play area, not far from the castle. She was visiting her nan. I was going in the same direction so I went with her.’

/>   ‘I couldn’t be certain it was him,’ Karen added. ‘He was limping and obviously on his own.’

  ‘I decided to take him to the vets which, I was told, is on Pointer Avenue.’

  ‘You are so considerate, Gill,’ Kim said, her words full of emotion.

  ‘The fact he’s been microchipped confirmed who he belongs to. Too bad he was bitten by another dog. The vet flushed the wound and prescribed a seven-day course of antibiotics. Start the treatment straight away and make sure he has the full course. The vet said if there’s any problems you must take him back.’

  ‘After visiting my nan, I went back home,’ Karen explained. ‘I waited for Gill to phone me and drove to the vets. I wanted to know the extent of his injury, and if he really was your dog … A happy ending, Kim.’

  ‘I’m so grateful to both of you. How much do I owe for the vet’s fee?’

  ‘You don’t owe me anything,’ Gill replied. ‘Your delight at having him back is reward in itself.’

  Gill and Karen said their goodbyes.

  Kim filled Smarty’s food bowl and hid the first of his tablets amongst the nutritional nuggets. He wolfed down his grub and returned to his favourite spot by the French doors, happy and contented once again.

  Chapter Twelve

  Jay looked smart dressed in his suit, red tie, pale blue shirt. He thought of his school attire as his ‘uniform.’ Given half a chance he would be wearing jeans, T-shirt and waistcoat.

  He walked briskly down the corridor. Remnants of the afternoon’s final lesson lingered inside his head. The refugee problem in Berlin in the period 1958-61 was one of his favourite topics. He smiled inwardly, knowing his enthusiasm had held his students’ attention.

  ‘Are you ignoring me, Jay?’

  He stopped and turned around. Gemma Mason was dressed to perfection in black pinstriped trousers and jacket over a lustrous mandarin collar blouse. The black-frame glasses created the sexy secretary look. Every male student's wet dream. They often remarked, ‘Women in specs give more sex.’

  ‘Sorry, Gemma. My mind was elsewhere. You’ve been off sick, I believe.’

  ‘I have indeed. I’m fit once again. How’s life treating you?’

  ‘Well, uh …’

  ‘It’s that bad, is it? The Gao String Quartet …?’

  Jay’s brow furrowed.

  ‘You’ve forgotten already. They are performing next week at the Sixth Form Centre. I did mention it to you.’

  ‘I haven’t given it much thought, to be honest.’

  Her delicious lips tightened. She took a step towards him. ‘Some other time, perhaps.’

  She breezed off, her high heels clicking indignantly across the floor. She berated a group of girls loitering on the corridor.

  ‘She must be in a mood,’ Jay said under his breath.

  Further down the corridor, he was stopped in his tracks by the Terrible Trio. ‘Yes, gentlemen,’ he said, with some irritation. ‘What can I do for you?’

  The tallest of the trio stepped forward. ‘We didn’t realise the Vikings were keen on women’s arses, especially big round ones.’

  Jay purposely made a stern face. The trio did likewise and waited for a response.

  ‘Enlighten me, gentlemen. I’m simply bursting with curiosity.’

  ‘During the Viking lesson, the one you gave the other day, you said they were bloodthirsty marauders who clobbered everybody in their quest for booty.’

  Laughter rang out.

  ‘Away with you,’ Jay said, smiling and shaking his head. He switched his phone on and saw there were no missed calls. The last he had heard from Kim was a text saying Gill and Karen had brought Smarty back home. He rang her number, changed his mind and cancelled the call.

  ***

  Kim looked up to the sky at the few scattered clouds. She hoped for a fine evening so she could take Smarty out for a dry walk. Before she reached the pavement, Lauren called out her name.

  ‘Hiya. I’m off to work,’ Kim said, apprehension simmering inside her.

  Lauren bit her bottom lip and said, ‘I shan’t keep you for long. I’m waiting for a colleague to give me a lift … We haven’t spoken to each other for some time. How are you feeling?’

  ‘Not so bad. And you?’

  ‘Fine, thanks … Concerning what you did a few weeks back, you know, in the garden?’

  ‘I’d rather not talk about it.’

  ‘I’ve had time to consider your situation. You’ve had some trouble recently. Me and Stuart don’t want to hold a grudge against you for what you did. We don’t think you meant to cause any difficulties. Come and see me whenever you want.’

  Kim was taken aback. ‘I’m relieved. I thought … It doesn’t matter. Thank you for your kindness and understanding.’

  ‘I mean what I say. By the way, we haven’t seen any suspicious characters in the neighbourhood. There’s no need to be afraid.’ Lauren picked up on her body language. ‘Are you still having problems?’

  ‘No problems at all.’

  ‘Glad to hear it. Are you doing anything on Saturday night?’

  ‘I’ve nothing planned.’

  ‘It’s my birthday on Saturday. We’re going for a meal and having a celebration at Merchants. I want you to come along. Bring a few friends if you like.’

  ‘I’d love to. You’ve made my day.’

  ‘Good. If I don’t see you until then, take care.’

  ‘You too.’

  Kim set off to the hotel, her strides energetic, her heart lighter.

  ***

  Denise tapped away at the computer keyboard. Andy walked up behind her. ‘I haven’t seen Kim all day,’ he said. ‘I want to see how she’s getting on. Where is she?’

  ‘How should I know, Andy? She might be on the top floor cleaning the toilets or whatever. Try her mobile, or follow the trail of her cheap perfume if you want to speak to her in person.’

  ‘Follow the trail?’

  ‘You must have work to be doing. I’m busy, can’t you see?’

  He made a disgruntled moan, went into the bar and rang Kim. The reception was bad. The words ‘laundry room’ were discernible amidst the crackle. He went down into the basement, breezed into the room and was hit by the warm, suffocating air from the dryers and the smell of freshly washed towels. Kim was sitting on a rickety chair, rubbing her ankle-tattoo with a damp cloth. She gave him a guilty look. ‘I’m trying to get rid of this mark.’ She threw the cloth onto the floor and quickly pulled the leg of her jeans over the tattoo.

  ‘There’s no particular rush,’ Andy said, eyeing her with suspicion. ‘What’s the matter?’

  Kim sat upright. ‘You wouldn’t want to see my ankle, would you? I mean, it’s no concern of yours.’ He looked around the room, checking everything was as it should be. ‘You’re not going to look at it. I won’t allow it,’ she said.

  ‘I’m not sure what you mean.’ A mystified expression formed on his face. ‘I don’t need to see your ankle.’

  ‘Nobody can see it, Mr Sachs. Private property. And don’t mention it to your wife. I wouldn’t want her harassing me … How is your wife, by the way?’

  He gave her a hard stare. ‘She’s fine … Your mother passed away not so long back. I think you are still –’

  ‘Mothers never die, Mr Sachs.’

  ‘Not if you have enough pleasant memories … You’re tired, worn out by nervous exhaustion and sadness.’

  ‘She can see me. I feel her presence,’ Kim murmured.

  ‘What did you say?’

  ‘Ignore what I said. It’s all a blur. I need to move on, break away from the chains.’

  ‘Kim, you’re not making any sense. Look, you have nothing to worry about. You have a steady job here. I wouldn’t have anyone else.’

  Kim grinned, ran her hands over her breasts and folded her arms. ‘I have a good job here, Mr Sachs.’

  ‘Yes, you do. I meant to ask you, did the funeral go smoothly?’

  ‘What do you mean?’


  ‘Your mother’s funeral. You were given a day off to attend.’ She gaped at him. ‘Monday – two days ago – you said you were going to the funeral.’

  Kim pretended to be deep in thought for a moment, and said, ‘Yes. It went smoothly, I suppose. Those occasions are never pleasant. Have you ever been to one?’ He moved towards her, his features set in bewilderment. ‘Don’t come any closer, Mr Sachs. You can’t have me. Some other time, maybe. If I’m in the right mood you can do whatever takes your fancy. I swallow, but I don’t want you to think I’m a filth-bag.’

  ‘That’s enough! You can go home. Go home and I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  ‘I hope I haven’t upset you.’

  ‘Follow me. I’ll get your coat and call a taxi. I’ll pay for it.’

  ‘I don’t want a taxi. You’re a nice man, you know. I can’t think of a kinder person.’

  She was ready to give him a kiss, but his eyes and mouth were set in a fearsome scowl.

  They made their way to the ground floor. A voice inside her head said, ‘You fucking little slag.’ Kim answered back. ‘You can’t throw disgusting words at me, Not the way he did.’

  Andy grabbed her coat and coaxed her to the exit door. He stood on the step outside, watched her heading towards the market. His body sagged with relief. Back inside, he saw Denise coming out of the kitchen. He ignored her questioning look and tried to think of some excuse for allowing Kim to finish work early.