This One’s For You

by Holloway, Taylor

  I set down my food, suddenly much less interested in eating. “I don’t know. I mean, she’s been through some shit of her own. Did you notice that scar on her left arm?”

  Ryan shook his head. “No. I didn’t.”

  I tossed the remains of my food in the nearby garbage can. We were sitting outside, and while it was a beautiful day, I barely noticed. Every time I thought about Vanessa’s accident, I got irrationally angry. It wasn’t fair what happened to her. I knew the world wasn’t fair, obviously, but it ought to be fair to Vanessa. I felt like she deserved it.

  Ryan was looking at me expectantly. I’d gone off in my mind again. I remembered what I was supposed to be telling him. “She was in an accident,” I said, “A very bad one. When she was an EMT, she and her partner, who also happened to be her fiancé, were attacked by their patient in the ambulance. Her partner died. Vanessa was hurt very badly. She lost her arm, although they reattached it. She almost died.”

  Ryan took a deep breath. “That’s really horrible,” he said. “How long ago?”

  “About a year and a half.”

  “Shit.”

  “Yeah.”

  We lapsed into silence for a bit. Neither one of us seemed to know what to say. Vanessa didn’t talk about her fiancé much. We’d gotten a lot closer over the past week since I got home to Austin, but I still felt like she was holding back telling me about him. All I knew was his name. Sam. The other man in my almost-relationship. Being resentful and jealous of a dead man was not a good look. But I couldn’t help it.

  “She might just need more time,” Ryan said eventually. “She might not be ready for a relationship at all, or she might just need to build more trust with you. I mean, getting to know you on the tour probably wasn’t the easiest. Plus, you two were basically pretending to be a happy couple for the cameras half the time you were together on tour. That’s got to mess with her head some.”

  “I was never pretending to be feeling anything I felt about Vanessa. It was always real.”

  Ryan gave me a ‘no-shit’ look. “Why do you think I went along with it?”

  “Wait, you didn’t think it was a good idea?”

  Ryan shrugged his shoulders. “It wasn’t a bad idea. I didn’t necessarily think it would work, but I thought it might help some. Plus, it would help you get close to Vanessa, and I was trying to be helpful.”

  I frowned at him. “Well, thank you, I guess.” My voice was dry.

  Ryan smiled. “Don’t give up yet,” he told me. “She might come around.”

  “I hope so,” I told him. “I just need to convince her that I’m worth the investment of time and energy.” I laughed at myself. “I’m a diamond in the rough. You know, like Aladdin.”

  “Well, if she can’t figure that out,” Ryan told me, “it’s her loss.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You have to say that, you’re my brother.”

  “Actually, it’s true,” he told me. Then he rolled his eyes. “But you’re right, I do have to say it. Mom said so.”

  I paused. “You told mom about Vanessa?” That was kind of a big deal. My mom hadn’t met or heard about a girlfriend of mine in… ever. Most of the women I spent time with over the years were not the ‘bring home to mother’ type. Vanessa was, of course. But we weren’t there yet.

  Ryan nodded. “Was I not supposed to tell her? She asked about you when I talked to her last Saturday about the wedding stuff. It just kind of came up. She was curious.”

  “Oh no.” My mom was now going to want to know everything about Vanessa.

  “It’s fine,” Ryan promised me. “She’s just happy to see you dating someone. She’s only curious about Vanessa, that’s all.”

  “I just hope she doesn’t go online to find information about her,” I said, worrying that my mom would find the stories about Vanessa being some kind of crazy homewrecker and take them to heart. There were some very mean things being said about Vanessa online, even now. We were no longer being stalked by the paparazzi, and it was obvious that Wendy and Jason were absolutely fine, but sometimes it can take months for a juicy story to totally disappear.

  Ryan paused. “Oh, I didn’t think of that.” Then after a moment of obvious thought, he relaxed. “But after years of reading crap about you that isn’t true, I think she’s kind of figured out not to believe the tabloids.”

  I nodded warily. He had a point. There had once been a story about me smuggling in a suitcase full of pythons from a flight from Thailand. And one about me trashing a hotel so badly that it permanently closed down. “I better give her a call anyway. Just to make sure she doesn’t get the wrong idea.”

  Ryan smiled, and a look appeared on his face that I was, unfortunately, very familiar with. It was the look of brotherly mischief and being outsmarted. “Good idea. Maybe she can give you some good advice. Also, can you ask her this list of questions that Rosie gave me about the wedding?” He produced the list from his jacket pocket, and I got the feeling that I’d just been masterfully set up. Ryan was nothing if not a strategic thinker.

  I accepted the long list, knowing I’d just been played into calling mom.

  “Thanks,” Ryan told me. “Consider it payback for all my help with Vanessa.”

  42

  Vanessa

  “Wait. So, they fired you, and then the guy they hired instead was so awful they had to hire you back?” Caroline’s voice was a bit tinny coming through my laptop speakers, but the look of disapproval on her face was nice and clear. “That’s ridiculous.”

  I nodded. “Yep, that’s exactly what happened. But I managed to negotiate a higher fee out of it, so it’s not a total loss. I’m now doing the video for their new single ‘This One’s For You’ in addition to the concert footage. It’s from the same source footage, but it’ll be totally different.”

  Over the past few days, when I wasn’t spending every waking moment with Ian, I’d been working on my footage. I’d completed my final cut of everything this afternoon, a three-and-a-half hour combined Axial Tilt show that according to Don would end up on HBO, cobbling together all the footage I’d taken on the tour.

  The video for ‘This One’s For You,’ a song that was on heavy radio rotation just about everywhere, was also complete. It had been a real labor of love, literally. Ian sang lead vocals on it, which was rare for an Axial Tilt song, but he and Jason had written it together and it had ended up playing better for Ian. So, Ian sang lead and Jason sang back up. It was a full-on rock power ballad, and I’d created a video to match.

  “They better be giving you a lot more money,” Caroline said. “Also, I hear that song everywhere and I’m in freakin’ Africa.”

  “I’m not complaining, and it’s a good song.”

  “It is a very good song, but that’s beside the point. I want to talk about the money. Coming from a rich girl like you, I’m impressed. They must have just rolled a wheelbarrow full of cash up to your door.” Caroline liked to tease me about my relatively privileged upbringing, but she’d eloped with a billionaire and moved to Africa, so I didn’t have much patience for it.

  I rolled my eyes at her. “I’m not a rich girl anymore. That’s you now.”

  “Yeah,” she admitted. “That’s true, and I’m still weirded out by it.”

  “Don’t be,” I told her. “You deserve to be happy and spoiled.”

  If anyone deserved the sudden windfall, it was Caroline. Her family was a dangerous mess, and she’d grown up in squalor, but she was hardworking, kind, caring, and intelligent. She and her husband both worked hard for what they had. I was glad she’d found financial and personal security.

  Unlike my father, who had pretty well bankrupted himself. After founding and growing a tech company for twenty-eight years, he’d managed to ruin it in less than five by refusing to see reason and going down a path of riskier and riskier decisions. After getting involved with some sketchy corporate bookkeeping and stock deals, he’d pretty much hammered in the nail to his own professional coffin. The only
saving grace was that he negotiated an exit for himself that didn’t leave him, or my mom, in trouble for their retirement. But any hope of an inheritance for me was gone.

  For a while I was resentful that my safety net was suddenly more of a slide, but the truth was that my relationship with my dad improved a lot when he lost his money. I’d always been financially dependent on my dad, but now I was on my own. He couldn’t control me through money anymore, and we had a more normal father-daughter relationship now that wasn’t half parental blackmail. It felt good to be independent, too. As long as my mom was taken care of, and she was, it didn’t really matter to me that my dad no longer had a driver and a house in the Hamptons.

  “So now that you’ve finished the footage,” Caroline asked, “what will you do?”

  I grinned. “Take a break. It’s been almost fifty-five hours of editing this week.”

  Caroline made a face. “That’s awful.”

  I shrugged. “I actually enjoyed it,” I admitted. “When I had to work long hours as an EMT I was usually too stressed out to really feel it, but this is different. I like doing this kind of work. It actually makes me happy.”

  Caroline nodded. “I can understand that. I like my work too. It never feels like work to me.”

  Her work as a physical therapist sounded horrible to me, but maybe that was only because I’d been on the other end of the physical therapy equation. Trying to relearn how to use my arm had been a long, taxing ordeal. I still wasn’t at one hundred percent and never would be. So, for me, physical therapy was something painful, difficult, and ultimately futile. Sure, I improved, but the perfectionist in me would never be satisfied with seventy percent use of my arm. It was just my personality to view that as a failure.

  But for Caroline, physical therapy was more than just a job. She ate, slept, and breathed it. Living with her while I was recovering was probably the best thing that possibly could have happened to me, even though there had been times when I was convinced it was the most annoying thing that could have happened to me.

  We’d grown very close after my accident, which was saying something because we’d been close before my accident. I’m not sure I would have survived the emotional fallout without her. When she moved away, it almost killed me. Sure, we still talked frequently on skype and had long-running text conversations, but it wasn’t the same without her. I had Faith, but it wasn’t the same. Losing Caroline to Africa and Christopher had been a bit like losing my other arm.

  “I miss you,” I blurted out, feeling a hot blush on my cheeks. “I wish you were here.”

  Caroline blinked in confusion. “Vanessa? Are you okay? I thought you were happy with your work?”

  I nodded, feeling like an idiot. “I am happy. I like my work. And I’m seeing Ian and I like him a lot, but…” I trailed off. I didn’t know how to articulate what I was feeling.

  “But what?” Caroline asked. She was looking seriously concerned. “Do I need to come home? I can fly back tomorrow if I need to.”

  I shook my head. “No. It’s nothing like that. I’m doing just fine.”

  In a lot of ways, it was true. I was doing well. I had more work to choose from than I could possibly ever sort through. I had a guy who was clearly crazy about me that was sexier than should be allowed and fucked me like, well, a rock star. And I had friends and family that cared about me. I had no real problems.

  So, people said some mean shit about me online. Whatever. That wasn’t a real problem. Now that I was no longer being mailed roadkill or attacked in public places, I could deal with mean words.

  But I was still feeling wildly overwhelmed.

  “You don’t seem like you’re doing okay,” Caroline said. Her pale blue eyes were concerned.

  “I am though,” I promised her. “I just wish you were here to help me sort through all the craziness.” I sighed and gathered my wits about me. I didn’t want her to think I was on the verge of some kind of nervous breakdown. Even if it was true. Especially if it was true. “I think I’m just not ready for a relationship with Ian, even though I want one.”

  Caroline’s expression became pensive. “Why do you think that?”

  “Because I’m not over Sam.”

  She cocked her head to the side. It was daytime where she was, and I could hear birds singing in the background. Behind her in the treetops, I could even make out monkeys playing. It felt like she was a world away.

  “Maybe you won’t ever really be over Sam,” Caroline said gently. “I think that’s probably okay. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let yourself enjoy falling in love with Ian.”

  I frowned. It was good advice, of course. “I know that Sam wouldn’t be angry or anything that I’m seeing someone,” I said hesitantly. “But I feel like I’m going to screw this up. I just don’t know that I’m ready for this.”

  Caroline nodded. “That’s okay, too. If that’s really how you feel, you shouldn’t rush things. But tell me, what would being ready look like? How will you know when you are ready?”

  I swallowed. Good question. “I don’t know.”

  Caroline smiled. “Well, if you don’t know what ready looks like, then how do you know that you aren’t?”

  I shifted in my seat. “You sound like Laura.”

  Laura was my therapist. She was helpful and good. She also drove me up the fucking wall with her questions sometimes. I hated emotional conversations, so therapy was a challenge in general.

  “Have you asked Laura about this?” Caroline ventured. She knew she was treading on unsteady ground.

  I nodded. “Yes. And she asked me a bunch of questions about my feelings and I didn’t know the answers to half of them.” My tiny thumbnail on Skype was pouting.

  I’ve never excelled at talking about my feelings. Ever. And given my emotionally stunted father and extremely protective but also very delicate mother, I’d never really been encouraged to develop those skills. I’d mostly learned to bury and suppress the negative things that I felt, and I had a whole host of excellent coping mechanisms to brush off, minimize, and weasel out of emotional inquiries. If there was an award for not talking about one’s feelings, I’d be the champion.

  “What did Laura recommend?” Caroline followed up.

  “She said the same thing you did, basically,” I told Caroline. “She said that I should think about what I want right now, and what I want long term. She said that I shouldn’t force myself into situations that made me uncomfortable, but that I shouldn’t close myself off to possibilities that might make me happy. She reminded me that Sam is dead and that making myself miserable won’t bring him back and will only make it harder to remember him with love and joy because I’ll start to resent him.”

  All good stuff. But harder to practice than to preach.

  Caroline nodded. “And what did you say to all of that?”

  “I said I’d take it under advisement.” My heart was pounding in my chest over just this conversation. My talk with Laura yesterday had left me feeling emotionally numb and exhausted. She was right. I knew she was right. “But I’m scared,” I told Caroline. “I’m scared that if I let myself get invested in this thing with Ian, he’s going to take off on tour and I’ll be left wondering why I was stupid enough to think that I could keep him. I’ll never be enough for someone like him. He’s got this crazy, exciting life.”

  “Your life sounds like it’s pretty crazy and exciting these days,” Caroline told me. “You’re becoming a director. Isn’t that what you want?”

  “A director?”

  She nodded. “Aren’t you? You aren’t just ‘doing video work’ anymore. You’re doing way more than that. You’re going to be famous in your own right soon for the work you’re doing.”

  My lips parted in surprise. She was right about my career. I didn’t know why I hadn’t seen it before. I guess I was just too close to it. I wasn’t seeing the forest for the trees. Hell, there had even been requests from potential clients in my email right now asking me to direc
t things for them. And that made me a… well, a something more than a ‘video work’ person.

  In the world of film, there were directors, who made things on behalf of producers and other people, and then there were filmmakers, auteurs who develop and film their own creations. I was obviously not a filmmaker, at least not yet, but I could make a pretty good argument that I was a director now. I was much more than just a camera operator, that’s for sure.

  “When I got fired from channel nine, my boss told me to lean into this,” I told Caroline. “He said that I’d won the lottery.”

  “Sounds like he might have been right.”

  I swallowed. “But even if he is right, it doesn’t change things with Ian. He’s not someone that has a stable life. He’s got his own share of issues, and he’s got this insane job that’s probably going to put him on the road for months at a time. If this video does well, and the new singles go well, and the tour goes well, and they will all go well, then Axial Tilt could be poised for a total resurgence. And where does that leave me?”

  “Where do you want to be?”

  “I guess that’s what I need to figure out.”

  43

  Ian

  Vanessa and I spent as much time together as physically possible over the next two weeks. I couldn’t get enough of her time, and even the most ordinary things felt new and special when I was doing them with her. Even going to the grocery store, or to the mailbox, or just staying home was a pleasure. It felt good to be in love.

  I’d never been in love before. Not like this. I thought that I’d been in love, but now that I’d met Vanessa, I knew I’d just been practicing. Vanessa was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. We were sleeping over at one another’s places, I had a toothbrush at hers, and it felt like all the pieces were falling into place.

  I told my mom all about her. My mom was overjoyed that I was seeing someone and more or less immediately demanded to meet her. She asked about a hundred questions. I could practically hear the gears turning in my mother’s head. She didn’t mention grandchildren, but I knew she was thinking it. I had to rein her in from driving down from the Dallas suburbs to meet Vanessa immediately. It wasn’t time yet to try that introduction. The fact that she was getting one daughter out of Rosie marrying Ryan was probably the only thing that prevented my mom from showing up on Vanessa’s doorstep.