This Is All

by Aidan Chambers

  Then he said, ‘There’s something you should know, and I

  ‘Hello,’ Ms M. said. ‘This is Julie.’ And only then realised that she had never told him her name. ‘I mean,’ she added quickly, ‘your helper at Evensong.’

  ‘My dear!’ Old Vic said with obvious pleasure even through his strangulation.

  ‘Sorry to hear you’re poorly.’

  ‘Bronchitis. The very devil.’

  ‘Can I do anything?’

  ‘How kind. Mrs Topping is attending. My churchwarden. Topping by name, topping by nature.’ He tried to laugh but had a nasty coughing fit instead.

  When the fit was over, Ms M. said, ‘Missed saying the office.’

  ‘I also.’

  ‘Well …’ What else could she say to someone with whom she had never had a proper conversation? ‘Hope you’re better soon.’

  The next day, the same notice, the same croaking voice on the phone. And the next.

  ‘Isn’t there anything I can do to help?’ Ms M. said this time. ‘Would you like me to come and see you? I’d like to. Really.’

  ‘You’re an angel. But I wouldn’t want you to catch anything and Mrs Topping keeps me well supplied.’

  ‘I do miss Evensong.’

  ‘You do?’ There was a pause. She was going to say goodbye when Old Vic went on, ‘You still could, if you want to. On my behalf, as well as everyone else’s. You know the ropes by now. And I’d like that. It would mean a great deal to me.’

  She knew at once she would, and said, ‘How do I get in?’

  ‘Mrs Topping has a key. She lives opposite. In the bungalow. Number five. I’ll warn her.’

  For eight days, minus Sunday when a stand-in priest took the services to which she did not go, she said Evensong all alone in the church. And as soon as she got home, she rang Old Vic, who instructed her about the next day’s special

  think you’re a clever enough little girl to understand.’ He picked me up and sat me on his knee. ‘Daddy told you Mummy has gone away for a while.’

  I nodded. I felt something bad was coming.

  ‘The thing is,’ Granddad went on, ‘she won’t ever be coming back.’

  I said, ‘Daddy said she’s waiting for me.’

  ‘Yes, I know. And he’s right. She is. But you won’t be going to where she is for a long long time.’

  I knew I was going to cry soon. I said, ‘How long? Will it be before Christmas?’

  ‘Longer than that. Not until you’re older than I am, I should think.’

  Older than Granddad? This was inconceivable. I started to cry.

  ‘And,’ Granddad said, ‘that’s such a long long time that I thought you might like to say goodbye to Mummy properly, like you would if she was going away on a long journey.’

  ‘Like when she and Aunty Doris went to London?’

  ‘Yes, like that.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I wailed. ‘I don’t want her to go away.’

  ‘None of us does,’ Granddad said, mopping up my tears with his handkerchief. ‘You’d like to say goodbye to Mummy, wouldn’t you?’

  I tried to take this in. ‘How can I say goodbye to Mummy if she isn’t here?’

  ‘Well, you see,’ Granddad said, ‘when people go to heaven, they leave part of themselves behind. A part that can’t go to heaven and stays here so we won’t forget them.’

  ‘But I won’t forget Mummy,’ I said.

  ‘I know, I know,’ Granddad said. ‘But if you were going away and you could leave part of yourself here so people you loved could say goodbye to you properly, you’d want them to, wouldn’t you?’

  I thought about this, but couldn’t make any sense of it. ‘I don’t know,’ I said through my snivels.

  prayers (the names of sick parishioners, the dead, the newly born, etc.), and they exchanged their usual few words about themselves.

  For the first time in her life Ms M. felt she was being treated like an adult and being useful in an adult way, and she loved it.

  When Old Vic was well enough to return to work they settled into their familiar routine again. A couple of times Mrs Topping joined them, suspicious, Ms M. couldn’t help guessing, about what was going on. She was one of those ‘holy women’ whose life is their work for their church and who often become maternally possessive of their priest.

  On Fridays the old woman who had been arranging the flowers the day of Ms M.’s godspell would be doing the same job when Ms M. arrived but she always left when the service started.

  Two months went by. And it was after the service one Friday that Old Vic said, ‘Three months now, and we’ve never had a proper talk. I don’t even know your full name.’

  ‘Julie Martin,’ Ms M. said.

  ‘Of this parish?’

  ‘Bowbridge Lane.’

  ‘Hello, Julie Martin of Bowbridge Lane.’

  ‘Hello, Reverend Ruscombe of St James’s.’

  They shook hands and laughed.

  ‘I’d prefer it if you felt able to call me Philip.’

  ‘And I’d like you to call me Julie.’

  ‘Well, Julie. You’re not a golfer, are you, by any chance?’

  She was so startled he saw his answer in her face.

  ‘No. Pity. A passion of mine, I’m afraid. Though I’m not as adept as I used to be. What about crosswords?’

  Ms M. shook her head. ‘But I like words.’

  Old Vic’s head drooped, he looked at his dog, which, as if knowing without opening its eyes, waved its tail at him a couple of times.

  ‘Well,’ said Granddad, ‘I thought you might like to see the part of Mummy that Mummy left behind so that you know she really has gone. And so you can say goodbye to her. But only if you feel brave enough.’

  I didn’t want Granddad to think I wasn’t brave, and if even just part of Mummy was here, I wanted to see her. But I couldn’t make myself say anything. It all seemed so strange it was too much for words. So I just nodded and hugged Betsy and stared at the floor.

  Granddad got up and sat me in his chair and said, ‘Wait here a minute.’

  I huddled into myself with Betsy.

  When Granddad came back, he held out a hand and said, ‘Come with me. We’re going to say goodbye to Mummy.’

  He drove me to what I thought was a shop. I didn’t know what kind of shop, I hadn’t been there before and I couldn’t read properly yet. Inside, it looked like an office. There was a woman behind a desk and a man dressed in black who looked as old as Granddad.

  ‘Cordelia,’ said Granddad, ‘this is Mr Richmond.’

  ‘Hello, Cordelia,’ said Mr Richmond. ‘I hear you’ve come to say goodbye to your mummy.’

  I didn’t say anything and clung on hard to Granddad’s hand and hid behind his legs.

  ‘You’re sure about this?’ Mr Richmond said to Granddad.

  ‘In the midst of life,’ Granddad said. ‘It’s no good pretending things aren’t the way they are.’

  ‘And George?’

  ‘You leave George to me.’

  ‘On your head be it, then,’ Mr Richmond said, and I wondered what it was that would go on Granddad’s head, as I knew he was not fond of hats.

  ‘She’ll manage,’ Granddad said, and to me, ‘She’s a brave little girl, aren’t you?’

  I said nothing.

  Wanting to be helpful, Ms M. said, ‘Did you have something in mind?’

  ‘No no! But I find it easier to talk when doing something else. Don’t you?’

  Light dawned. ‘O, I see. You wanted to say something to me?’

  ‘Not really. Only … three months … but you never come to Sunday services.’ He gave a nervous laugh. ‘As the vicar I suppose I ought to ask.’

  She’d expected this at some point.

  ‘In all my ministry,’ he went on, ‘more than thirty years, no one, I mean no one so young, has assisted the way you have, but not attended on Sunday. It’s quite a puzzle.’

  ‘I’m not sure why I do it,’ Ms M. said. ‘I l
ike the words. And reading the parts from the Bible. But I don’t know. I just like it.’

  He gave her his boyish smile. ‘Well, my dear, not to worry. Just wanted to ask. Till tomorrow, then?’

  And off he went.

  She turned up to Sung Evensong next Sunday, as much out of curiosity (so she told herself) as to please Old Vic. It wasn’t at all the same being just another member of the congregation of (she counted) thirty-six mostly oldie women. She liked the ritual with colourful vestments and incense – she didn’t know enough yet to call it ‘high church’ – and she enjoyed singing the hymns. But there was a twenty-minute sermon by a visiting priest on the subject of ‘the women who helped Christ so selflessly’ that was badly delivered and so condescending that her toenails curled and she couldn’t decide whether to be cross or to smile. Of course, as a newcomer she was noticed. Before she could escape, Mrs Topping took her arm and steered her to the likes of ‘Miss X, who arranges our flowers so beautifully’, and ‘Mrs Y, the indefatigable secretary of our Mothers’ Union’, and ‘Mr Z the sacristan’, informing each one sotto voce, ‘Julie

  Mr Richmond opened a door and led us into a corridor where everything was white and chilly and the air smelt sweet and sour and thick and heavy, like the kind of flowers that made my tummy feel ill. I tried not to breathe too much.

  We stopped by a door.

  Granddad said, ‘I think I’d better carry you.’ And picked me up.

  I didn’t mind at all. It was a comfort to be held by him, and I could hide my face on his shoulder if I didn’t want to look.

  The room was small and like a chapel. But what I saw at once was a coffin in the middle of the room, standing on shiny metal trestles. I clung onto Granddad all the harder with one hand and held Betsy up to my face with the other so that I could hide my eyes behind her.

  Granddad carried me into the room and stood at the side of the coffin. He didn’t say anything, didn’t try to make me look, just held me tight and waited.

  I didn’t want to look, I wanted to leave that place and be taken home. I closed my eyes and pressed Betsy’s face against them. But another part of me, a deeper part, wanted to look and knew that I must.

  I let out a big sigh. Granddad stroked my back and patted me with his big rough hand. This gave me courage. I wanted to be brave, I wanted to look, in order to please Granddad and not disappoint him.

  I removed Betsy and opened my eyes.

  The coffin was open. All I could see inside was Mummy’s head lying on a pillow, as if she were in bed with the clothes pulled up to her chin. It was Mummy’s face, but also it wasn’t. It looked like the faces of Barbie dolls, made of shiny plastic, not skin. Hard, not soft. Cold, not warm. Never moving. With staring eyes that never blinked. Not real faces. Mummy’s eyes were closed, but not like she was asleep. She wasn’t there. I knew – I felt – she wasn’t there.

  I began to cry. Not blubbering. Not wildly. Not

  assists Father Philip at weekday Evensong, you know!’ at which Julie could hear the swell of raised eyebrows in the ‘Ohs?’ and ‘Ahs!’ of the women who helped so selflessly, including Mr Z.

  Sunday Evensong became a habit too. Her mother asked if she’d had boy trouble, her father whether she was going soft in the head. Her friends told her she must be weird.

  It sounded a bit odd to me as well, I told her, not like the Ms Martin I knew.

  ‘We’re talking twenty years ago,’ she said. ‘I was only sixteen. D’you think you’ll be the same twenty years from now?’

  ‘Probably not,’ I said. ‘But I don’t understand. I mean, why did you do it?’

  ‘Not because of a why. Because of a who.’

  People do things, she said, because of other people far more often than they do them for reasons. That’s why they like heroes and why they talk about their idols and their role models. Think of the major religions, she said. Think of the Christians – followers of Christ. Think of the Buddhists – followers of Buddha. The Muslims – followers of Mohammed. The Confucians – Confucius. Christian priests preach the same beliefs, the same ideas, about God, but which churches have the biggest congregations? The ones with charismatic priests. Think of politics. Same thing. When do political parties, political ideologies, flourish? When they have leaders who excite the public. Ideas – reasons – are only powerful when they’re made attractive by people with powerful personalities. The reasons most people give for their beliefs and for what they do are afterthoughts. They are literally thought up afterwards. They’re nothing more than justifications. Excuses. People believe what they believe because someone has persuaded them they are right. And because they want to believe them.

  inconsolably. A ripple of sobs which started in my feet and came up through my tummy and my chest and struggled through the bottle-neck of my throat and came out of my mouth in gasps and bolts and out of my eyes in flowing tears and down my nose and into my mouth in salty runs.

  Mr Richmond said something I didn’t take in.

  Granddad said, ‘She’s okay.’

  I turned my face into his chest and held him round the neck with both arms.

  We remained like that for some time, I have no idea how long, until Granddad said, ‘Want to go home?’

  I nodded.

  He turned to leave.

  There are moments, especially when we are children, when something inside us, something we know nothing about, takes charge and makes us act without thinking. As Granddad turned to go I pushed myself away from his chest and held Betsy out towards Mummy, and wriggled to stop Granddad, but could say nothing.

  Mr Richmond said, ‘I think she wants to put her dolly in.’

  ‘Ah!’ said Granddad, and to me, ‘You want to leave Betsy with Mummy?’

  I nodded.

  Granddad leaned down, holding me so that I could lay Betsy beside Mummy’s head. As I did so, the back of my hand brushed her face. It was cold unlike any cold I had ever felt. It shocked me so much I dropped Betsy and clung to Granddad, hiding my face in his chest again.

  We left the room and the shop and when we reached Granddad’s car I wouldn’t let go. So he walked along the street and into a park, where he sat on a bench by a pond with me on his knee still clinging to him, but the sobs were finished and the tears reduced to a drizzle like rain after a heavy downpour.

  After some time, when I was calm again and the drizzle had

  ‘So … what? You became a Christian because of Old Vic?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Doesn’t seem to me he was much of a hero, not a charismatic role model at all. Just the opposite.’

  ‘That’s the point.’

  ‘Sorry?’

  What I had to understand, she told me, was that she didn’t like heroes, didn’t like role models, and never had. As for idols. Forget it! All of them, from pop idols to god idols, she’d always instinctively felt were bad news. She thought charismatic people with powerful personalities were dangerous. And in her opinion none was more dangerous than a powerful religious leader. People with powerful personalities always want power over other people. They inspire fans. But remember, she said, that fan is short for fanatic. Religious and political fanatics believe they are right and everybody who disagrees with them is wrong. They are self-righteous, arrogant and intolerant. They try to force their beliefs down everybody else’s throats. That’s why they are the main cause of wars. You only have to study history to know that. Always beware of true believers, she said. Always distrust people who have no doubts about themselves and no doubts about what they believe and what they do.

  Old Vic wasn’t a hero, wasn’t a powerful role model, wasn’t the slightest charismatic. That’s why she liked him. He never tried to force anything on her, least of all his faith. He didn’t try to convert her. He wasn’t a brilliant preacher. His church wasn’t fashionable and the regular members of his congregation were mostly old people who’d always gone to St James’s. They liked Old Vic because he always listened to them rabbiting on, n
ever rushed them or put them off. He visited them when they were sick, was always ready to help in ordinary practical ways, however menial, when they needed it. And as important as anything else, he didn’t want to change (in fact, he refused to change) the old-fashioned religious

  dried up and I had relaxed and was snuggled against Granddad, who was hugging me gently, Granddad said, ‘Mummy is never coming back. You understand that, don’t you?’

  I nodded. And I did, I knew.

  ‘But always remember,’ Granddad went on, ‘you’ve still got Daddy and Aunty Doris and me, and we love you more than we love anyone else and always will. And we will do everything we can for you. So you’re not alone. Mummy’s gone, and that’s very very sad. But one thing’s for sure. She wants you to be happy. I know, because she said it to me just before she went. She wants you to be happy for her sake as well as for your own. You see, Cordelia, your mummy has died. Everybody dies one day. I’ll die one day. You’ll die one day. But before that, till we die, we’re alive. And that’s what matters. Being alive. And we have to be as alive as we can be and not let sadness or anything else spoil life for us.’

  He was silent for a few minutes, then said, ‘I don’t know if you understand what I’m saying. But I think you do. Somewhere inside you. And I know you’ll remember what we’ve done this morning for the rest of your life. And one day, you’ll be pleased we did it. That’s why I took you to say goodbye. So you’d know, and so you’d remember, and so you’d feel good about it when you grow up.’

  He was quiet again.

  ‘It was lovely of you to leave Betsy with Mummy. You gave her something you treasured. That was a beautiful way to say goodbye. You’re a good girl, and I love you very much.’

  He lifted my face from his chest, where I’d heard his words coming to me as if from a deep well, and kissed me on the brow, and smiled at me, and said, ‘Let’s go home.’

  I didn’t know till recently that Dad and Granddad had a terrible row because of what Granddad had done. Doris took Granddad’s side. But Dad wouldn’t be persuaded it was right. The row was so bad that Dad didn’t speak to Granddad for