‘Marrying this young fellow will hold you back and tie you to a life that, though it might provide some short-term happiness, will end in frustration and drudgery. In short, you will become the domestic chattel of a short-sighted and overbearing husband who will prevent your personal development and, more than likely, saddle you with enough children to keep you at home.’ He paused, as if to let his words sink in, and then said, ‘Is that what you really want, Esther, because I think there is more to you than that?’
Dr. Grieve scraped his chair nearer mine and reached for my hand, which I didn’t withdraw. I felt stunned and was quite speechless.
His voice dropped in tone and softened, ‘I want to give you a better life, Esther, one that will stretch you and give you continuing happiness, as my… as my closest companion.’
‘Companion?’ I echoed. I felt a warm flush seep up my neck as I tried to work out what he meant. Was this an offer of marriage? He had never said before that he was interested in me but, in the past, he had made some comments that I had been doubtful about as to their meaning. I felt an unexpected rush of excitement, I couldn’t deny it.
‘I plan to take a sabbatical in Europe, my dear,’ he went on, ‘probably for a year, maybe more. I would like you to come with me, and bring Beth, of course. Once away from England’s conventions, we can travel and live together as husband and wife, our own little family, all the while taking the opportunity to develop your skills and for you to enjoy my patronage and protection.’
‘Your companion, but not marriage?’ I asked, mortally embarrassed, and confused.
He sighed, ‘It is not possible, my dear, for someone of my standing in the community to marry a young woman with no family or connections and of a class so far beneath mine - but we could enjoy all the benefits of being together if we were away from here. On the Continent, we would be as if married.’
His hand was warm and pressed mine before he rose and pulled me to my feet, clasping me to his chest. I wondered if he could feel my heart pounding.
‘And what would be the consequence of such an arrangement, were we to come home to Lewes?’ My voice sounded distant to my ears, but I had to know.
‘When we return from this tour, which would be greatly advantageous to you in broadening your education and being the recipient of my care and love, why, then, we could do what most other men do. You would become my trusted ‘housekeeper’, my resident housekeeper. It is a system that works well for many men, married or not.’
Works for many men, I thought, but what about the women?
I pushed myself away from him and walked to the window, my neck and face still burning with embarrassment - or perhaps it was humiliation, I could not say. I felt stifled. I couldn’t stay in the room a moment longer. I turned to him. ‘I thank you for your confidence in me, Dr. Grieve. I must beg some time to think what to do.’
I swiftly left the room, unable to look at him.
I gathered my belongings and, avoiding Mrs. Jenkins, slipped out to the stable. Flossy welcomed me with a toss of her head. In no time I was riding, riding for all I was worth, back towards Southover, but then onwards, onwards and up to the top of the Downs.
I flung myself off the pony and dropped to the grass. How could I have been so blind as to think that I was valued just for my skills and intelligence when all along it was exactly as Wilf and even the workhouse overseer had said? I was just an object, an object he wanted to bed but not marry or be given the protection of marriage. I felt such a fool, a naïve and stupid fool. He thought me of a class too low for him, but I knew my father had been an educated man, much respected in the Kent village where we had lived before my family were wiped out by the great sickness.
As always, the wide sky and majestic Downs brought me perspective and comfort, but I confess not for some time. I sat on the tufted grass and tugged at it angrily for a good while, reliving his words, feeling again that strange surge of excitement - that heat in my body which had reacted, unbidden, to my heart and not my head - followed by the painful reality of Dr. Grieve’s proposition and the knowledge that men, Wilf and others, could see it but I hadn’t. I tried to go back through our many conversations. Had I led him to believe that I would welcome his attentions? I pictured him sitting at his desk, his great dignity, his noble looks. Half of his female patients were in love with him, but they never saw the pomposity which he undoubtedly possessed and which he covered with mannerisms that were ever polite, sometimes excessively so. He was not an old man, but his hair made him appear so, having a deal of grey intermingled with a rich brown. I believed him to be younger than Farmer Elwood, but he looked older.
Eventually, I calmed my thoughts and lifted my face to a tender breeze before deciding how I was going to cope with this. What had really upset and shocked me was that my body had responded to Dr. Grieve’s proposition when I thought it had meant marriage; never mind that I was about to be wed to an attractive and personable young man of my own class whom I thought I loved. Should I give up all thoughts of marriage to Wilf if my emotions were so fickle as to run from one to another if it was advantageous; or did I not love Wilf as much as I thought? I had clearly relished Dr. Grieve’s attention; did I care too much for him? But, he was older than me and he should have known better than to treat me like a whore. His housekeeper indeed! Surely, I merited better treatment than that. Were his physical needs so strong that he could cast me in such a light, against all the conventions of society, and thus effectively ruin me in the eyes of the community and beyond? Did he really think that people like Cecilia or Mrs. Makepiece would be so easily fooled or was it that I was too simple in the ways of the world to know what passed for normal behaviour amongst the upper classes? Was every housekeeper a mistress? I knew that to be wrong. Mrs. Jenkins would die to be thought of in those terms. And, what if I were indeed to take up his offer and become ‘resident housekeeper’ what would happen to Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins?
My head ached as I went over and over all these thoughts. I went through every emotion but the one I ended up with was quite straightforward: I was angry, very angry, and hurt. It was so painful and degrading.
Until this point, I had held Dr. Grieve in high regard. Perhaps I did have feelings for him which were unacknowledged, but from this time on, I would have to keep any such feelings suppressed. How dare he trample all over my good name and expect me to lay down at his bidding? What to do? I asked myself. I didn’t want to lose my work, but I didn’t see how we could carry on working side by side with such a chasm opened up between us. On the way home, I decided to sleep on it and make up my mind tomorrow. Somehow, I managed to slip into the house and retrieve Beth from the kitchen without having to talk with anyone. Wilf would be waiting for me at the cottage, but I wasn’t going anywhere.
The following day I saddled Flossy and rode into Lewes, going straight to Dr. Grieve’s house. My head was aching and I felt dreadful. What little sleep I managed had been tormented. I knew I had to speak to him and kept turning over in my head what I was going to say:
…The conversation we had yesterday was, I am sure, a mistake. I am hurt that you hold me in such contempt that you would allow me to be humiliated in the eyes of everyone of good name. I have no feelings for you other than professional respect and I don’t wish to discuss this ever again. I am happy to continue in my role as nurse on that basis. If you are not, then we must part company today…
That was what I intended to say but when I got there, the doctor was not in his surgery. A letter was waiting for me on his desk. I shut the door and sat down in his chair before breaking the seal and as I read the first few lines, my heart sank.
My Dearest Esther
Your reaction to my heartfelt proposition was very clear to see and, on that basis, I must assume you do not wish to accompany me on my sabbatical. I am going to London today to finalise arrangements for temporary cover whilst I am away. I will return shortly and if you
change your mind then please leave me a letter saying so, clearly and unequivocally. I will be spending the next few weeks in London whilst I await my ship. I will suggest that my replacement, Dr. Crabbe, employ you, but you will have to finalise that with him. He is a good man but a trifle bumptious and his wife is not capable of acting in a nursing capacity. I wish you every goodwill, Esther, and if my proposition was distasteful to you then I sincerely apologise. It was not my intention to insult you. We will not meet again unless you leave me word and I hope that life will be good to you and happiness yours. I do not know when I will return but be assured I will not embarrass you further.
Esther, I do remind you to be careful of your aunt’s vengeance. My sources tell me that she is likely to be in Kent.
I am respectfully yours, dear Esther…
PS I have asked Dr. Crabbe to allow you sight of any printed periodicals that are sent to me. I do hope you will continue with your studies.
I groaned aloud as I read, my self-righteous anger plunging instantly into sorrow; deep sorrow to have so suddenly lost the company of a man I held in high regard even if I could never demean myself by becoming a mistress (though a part of my mind nagged wilfully at me that I could). Once again, my heart reacted before my brain, and it ached. There was nothing I could do but go home to South Farm. I stuffed the letter into my pocket and ran out of the house.
Setting off to return to Cecilia and the children, I wondered what on earth I could say. The doctor’s declaration had been so shocking to me, but had others been aware of his interest? Had Cecilia or Farmer Elwood interpreted a look whilst we talked round their supper table? Did they see any overly long holding of my hand when we met? Wilf was jealous of him - but wasn’t that based on jealousy of any man who saw more of his woman than he did? As I rode back to South Farm all I could think of was the gulf that was opening around me: possible loss of my employment, loss of a man whose advice I often sought, loss of his presence in the town and visits to South Farm. I regarded his home as my second place of safety, I loved riding up through the castle archway when I visited; I had my own room there, Beth was constantly there. What would Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins think? Did they know of his inclinations towards me? Farmer Elwood would be sorry to see his friend go and I hated to think how he would take it if he found out that I was the cause of his leaving so abruptly. Was there something in my nature that caused upset all around? Flossy picked her way slowly as if sensing my mood and sharing it with me. For the first time ever, I didn’t want to go home.
Chapter Five
ESCAPE Lewes May 28 1800 BROKE OUT of the HOUSE OF CORRECTION, at Lewes on Tuesday the 27th day of May instant.
Richard Teeling, the younger, late of stock-ferry in the Parish of Piddinghoe, near Lewes aforesaid who at the last General Quarter Sessions for the Eastern Division of Sussex, was sentenced to be confined until he could find sureties of the peace towards THOMAS CARR, of Beddingham, Esq., the High Sheriff of the County of Sussex, for the space of two years.
The said Richard Teeling is a tall thin man of the age of 30 years or thereabouts, light complexion, light brown hair which he wears loose and long, slender made, formerly in the Sussex Militia and has lately followed the trade of huckster in buying …at the sea side retailing then in the country – is well known to smugglers on the coast, whomsoever will apprehend the said Richard Teeling and lodge him in any of the Counties gaols and give information thereof at the House of Correction at Lewes shall receive a reward of TWENTY POUNDS. William Cramp Keeper.
Sussex Weekly Advertiser and Lewes Journal 1750/1806
Dr. Grieve’s departure was a surprise to everyone in Lewes and there was much speculation as to his motives but, as always, the gossip dropped away as other local issues came to the fore. Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins were anticipating the arrival of Dr. Crabbe and his wife and just assumed that I would continue in my role within the household, so it came as a great shock to all of us when I called upon the new doctor and found that my services were not only unwelcome but were, in fact, abhorrent to this bigoted man.
He was tall, very thin and his hair was greased into a severe pin at the back. I noticed immediately an arrogance, or perhaps it was just the way he looked down his long and bony nose. His lips were compressed into a straight line and I could see no kindness there. I wouldn’t want to be ministrated to by him! Dr. Grieve had described him as a little ‘bumptious’ but clearly had been deceived into thinking that he shared Dr. Grieve’s enlightened views in employing first and foremost a woman, and then teaching her to become a midwifery practitioner in her own right. I had called the third morning after their arrival and the door was opened by a woman who I at first took to be a servant. She wore a dowdy gown with an untidy apron and cap that looked far from clean. Whilst I waited for Dr. Crabbe to appear, she stood nervously beside me, her mouth puckering and her hands constantly moving. I tried to engage her in conversation, but her voice was so low that I couldn’t follow her replies to my enquiries. I gave up the effort and we both stood silently waiting.
Dr. Crabbe appeared from the direction of the library and my overtures of friendship and welcome were immediately rejected as he declined to take my hand.
‘Young woman, I do not know what possesses a man of Dr. Grieve’s stature to employ an untrained woman as his assistant,’ he said, ‘but I do not hold with such liberal views and will have no use for your services. Should my wife here,’ and he indicated the woman at my side, ‘be unable to meet my needs then I will seek out a trained male apothecary, as is the norm in our noble profession.’
My mouth must have dropped open in astonishment as he continued, ‘Dr. Grieve might have commended you to my employ but I don’t believe it is appropriate for women to step out of their proper role and I must ask you to leave and not attempt to continue any treatment of those who you might previously have had access to. I am the physician appointed and I will not tolerate interference.’
He tilted his head to his wife and she immediately sprang to open the door. I was outside within seconds, the door closed firmly behind me. I made my way around to the stable where Mr. Jenkins was waiting. He had not unsaddled Flossy, as he would normally have done, so he must have had an inkling of what my reception would be. His kindly face said it all and I was unable to stop a tear creeping down my cheek.
‘Ee, lass, don’t take on, he is not worth it,’ he said, putting an arm round my shoulder.
‘But my work, I love my work. How can he be so rude to me, he doesn’t even know me nor what I am capable of? It is so unfair.’ I sat abruptly on some hay as I saw my future life unfold without Dr. Grieve and without a role, other than wife.
‘Mrs. Jenkins said to tell you that she hopes to meet up at Mrs. Makepiece’s. We don’t want to lose your company, Esther, but it is best if you do not come here,’ he said. ‘She feels that Dr. Crabbe could make life unpleasant for you.’
So, not only had I lost my friend and my work but I was to be shut out of the house that I regarded as a second home.
Mr. Jenkins bent his knee and knelt at my level. ‘Come lass, you have had more to bear than this small setback. You will rise above such meanness and find your place again and remember you have many who support you in this town.’ He patted me on the arm and I tried to smile through my tears at his gentle sympathy.
‘Aye, you are right,’ I said finally. ‘I will do as you say and hopefully meet Mrs. Jenkins soon, and you too, my friend.’
‘Can I help you up onto Flossy?’ he asked as we both got to our feet.
‘No, I can manage if I use the standing block. Flossy is so good I can even get on without.’ She spirited me away a good deal quicker than normal, as if she knew we were not wanted.
We had not gone very far when I heard someone running behind me and calling my name. ‘Miss, Miss Esther, wait up, can ’ee.’
I heard the familiar voice and turned; it was Billy. Flossy didn’t need me
to tell her to wait. She had already turned and was standing still, waiting for Billy to catch up.
‘I been calling you.’
‘Sorry Billy, I was thinking and didn’t hear. Are you alright? You look a bit anxious.’
‘I called in to see Pot at the doctor’s house,’ he said, out of breath, ‘and Mr. Jenkins told me what ’appened, like.’
‘Oh, Billy, you always seem to be nearby when I am in trouble.’ I smiled down at him and then went on. ‘I wasn’t expecting such a thing, it’s all such a shock.’
‘You should send to Dr. Grieve and tell ’im. He won’t like it, will ’e?’
I shrugged, lost for words and unable to explain that Dr. Grieve was lost to me.
‘Why don’t ’ee, Esther?’ He repeated.
‘I don’t know where he is, Billy. His ship has probably sailed, and he wouldn’t want to be bothered with petty things like this anyway. After all, taking a sabbatical means giving up your current life for another.’
‘I don’t rightly knowed what that word is,’ said Billy, ‘but I do know ’e won’t like to see thee mistreated. Mrs. Elwood likely do know his whereabouts.’
‘Dr. Grieve has gone, Billy, and there is no more we can do or say.’ I took up the reins again. ‘Now, I must get back. Do you want to climb up behind me? Are you visiting Cilla?’
He blushed as he flicked the hair out of his eyes. ‘No, Esther, Miss, I be just worried about thee.’
‘Billy, you are the truest friend and I don’t want you to worry about me. I have lots to do. The wedding is coming up fast and I still haven’t finished sewing for my bottom drawer. Why don’t you come around to the cottage tonight and see what we have done to make it homely? You could ask Cilla to come with you.’
‘Ask her to walk out with me, you mean? Don’ know ’bout that, Miss, people might talk.’
Retribution Page 3
