The End of the Innocence

by Jason Zandri

  “Fair enough.” He relaxed his stance a little.

  “I’m a bit surprised,” Diane said. She walked closer and leaned against the back of the section couch. “I would’ve presumed that you’d go to Melissa with something private.”

  “Things have been funny with her lately, if I have to be honest. I might want to talk to you about that too at some other point if it doesn’t break any confidence that you have between the two of you.”

  Diane nodded. “Of course. You can always come to me. I’m glad you’re comfortable enough with me that you feel you can.”

  “Well, I’ll have to call you ‘Mom’ at some point,” Matthew said, grinning.

  “Oh God, please don’t. I don’t mean that in a bad way, like I don’t care for you at that level or anything. It’s just that our age differential is only twelve years, the same as between your father and I, with him on the opposite

  end, and I just feel more like your friend than a stepmom.”

  “I know,” Matthew said and leaned on his rested hands.

  “I’m sorry; I subject skipped on you. What’s on your mind?”

  Matthew sighed and looked over at a picture on the table of all of them: his father, Diane, Melissa, Karen, and himself.

  Diane picked up on his uneasiness. “If you’d rather wait for Melissa or Tim? …”

  “How do you know when you’re ready for … you know?” Matthew blurted everything out in one breath.

  Diane paused to process the question.

  “Did I hit your ‘no fly zone’ with my Dad or with your sister?” Matthew said with a slight chuckle.

  “Sorry,” Diane said while she tried to collect herself. “I imagined having this conversation with my kids someday if I was ever to have them. It went smoother in my head.” She laughed. “There’s no hard and fast rule, and it’s always different for boys and girls. I think the smartest way for me to try to help you with this decision, would be for me to tell you how I got there, maybe?”

  Matthew nodded. Diane walked around the couch and sat on the end.

  Matthew looked at his watch and stepped off the stairs.

  “Did you want to talk while you worked on dinner?” Matthew asked.

  Diane turned and looked at the time on the VCR. “No, I think we have the time to talk about this here where it’s comfortable. If the conversation goes long, we can always take it over to the kitchen.”

  Matthew nodded and came around the couch.

  “So, with me, it was a boy named Danny Quintin,” she said, smiling at the recollection. “I fell in love, so to speak, with Danny around the time I hit middle school. No matter what I was doing or where I was, when he was in view, I would go to pieces. If I was at a dance or talking with a boy or something, there was always a comparison going on in my head. ‘Jeff isn’t as tall as Danny’ or ‘Kevin’s hair is lighter than Danny’s’ … I hardly ever considered another boy without a comparison.” Diane folded her hands in front of her and looked down at them. “It was funny to a degree because I knew how I felt at the time, but I never knew if he felt the same way.” She looked back up at Matthew.

  “Then times changed, and the feelings faded. I was in high school, and other things became a priority. I still went out to the movies, or to a dance, or

  out to pizza with mixed groups, or sometimes on a date, but I was out with who I was out with. Danny wasn’t in my head or in the picture anymore.”

  Diane kicked off her shoes and pulled her legs up on the couch. “Then, suddenly, he was.”

  Matthew leaned back into the sofa.

  “It was homecoming,” Diane said and looked over at Matthew intently.

  “November seems like the magical month.”

  Matthew smiled. “If it’s not the people in school going to the dances and then gearing up for prom come springtime, it’s the people returning home for the holidays.”

  Diane nodded. “Anyway, I didn’t have a date for the dance but decided to go anyway. Actually, Melissa encouraged me to go. She must have been five or six at the time. I’d have to do the math. She heard me mention the dance to my mother. I’d talked to her about how I had the perfect dress to wear and how comfortable it felt to dance in. Melissa asked me whom I was going with. I had to tell her that no one had asked me to go. I said that I wasn’t going to be able to dance at homecoming because I wasn’t going.” Diane smiled wide. “Then she said, ‘if you want to dance, you have to go to a dance so that someone can ask you. If you stay home, you certainly won’t be asked to dance.’ I remember it like it was yesterday, and she was absolutely right.”

  Matthew nodded and smiled. “Yeah … that sounds like Missy.”

  “I decided she was right, and I got dressed up and my mother dropped me at school. I showed up at homecoming by myself. I felt so nervous and uncomfortable, and certainly out of my element, as I was always the wallflower. A short while after I got there, seemingly out of nowhere, the boy I’d had a middle school crush on appeared and asked me to dance with him.

  So I did.”

  Diane paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. Matthew looked over at her. The expressions on her face changed back and forth. Diane said,

  “After the dance, Danny drove me home and asked if he could see me again.

  I said I would love to. One date became two, and then one thing led to another. I found myself with him at his parents’ house when they were out, playing cards or something. He took me by the hand and led me to his room.

  He was kind and gentle. It wasn’t his first time, but he knew it was mine. He made me as comfortable as possible, and it was special, for both of us.”

  Matthew stayed silent and just watched Diane’s breaths rise and fall.

  “I saw him a few times after that, in that way. We went to prom, senior

  skip day, and then shortly after, we graduated. A few cards and letters and one long distance call. By the time Christmas came, I lost touch with him. I never saw or heard from him again.”

  “So it just sort of felt right to do?” Matthew asked.

  “Yes. While I was still young and naïve, at least it was meaningful and special,” Diane said, and then stood and took her shoes. “There are always ramifications of anything that you do in life—no matter how or when you do them. You can affect outcomes in how you treat people—before, during, and after.”

  “I’m not sure I follow you there,” Matthew said, also standing up.

  “If all Danny wanted was sex, and he got what he wanted—using me because I was taken by him, it would have soured my outlook on men. If he wasn’t interested in me after, and immediately moved on, it would have hurt.”

  “He was your first crush; the first boy you ever liked. He was your first …

  it had to hurt anyway.” Matthew said in a soft voice.

  “It did. It felt terrible to have everything I ever wanted, then to lose it all in the end. The boy from middle school, by my side and only wanting me, to have been my first love and my first lover. That is a dream come true for most girls; it ranks in the top five along with a church wedding on a glorious spring day. As I look back on it now, in the fullness of time gone by, I’m so much better for having it and losing it than to have had a lesser experience.”

  “It’s tough falling down Everest, but once you hit bottom, you can say,

  ‘but I was up there,’” Matthew said, looking over at her.

  “Exactly,” Diane said.

  The two stood quietly for several moments.

  Matthew made his way around the far end of the coffee table and the couch. He walked a little past Diane and stopped. “Thank you for sharing all that with me. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to dig through memories like that and share them.”

  “It’s both emotionally charging and draining, but it was nice to recall that time in my life. Once again, he’s gone, but I’ve never forgotten him.”

  “Why not?” Matthew asked.

  “You never forget your first love,” she said wi
th a smile.

  Matthew nodded and headed up the stairs.

  “Matthew?” Diane called out before he disappeared from view. He looked back down to her. “I’m not going to go into all the ‘practice safe sex’ things

  with you; I’m sure, between health classes and your father, you know everything you need to know.” She paused for a moment and took a deep breath. “I’ll make the assumption you’re asking me all of this because you’re considering taking things to the next step with Donna.”

  Matthew opened his mouth to speak, but Diane held up her hand. “I don’t need to know; I’ll let my assumption rest. I just want you to take the time to consider everything. I know for boys it is a physical thing, even for a first time. For girls, it’s everything about what they feel for the boy the first time they do it, and I make the assumption she hasn’t done this before either. Even if she has, I remember the exchange in your room; at least the part I heard coming up the stairs and outside your door. She loves you. If she’s had sex before, it is going to be different with you. I’m certain of it. Make sure you believe you feel everything that she feels for you before you go there.”

  Matthew nodded once and went to his room.

  Diane took her shoes in her hand, looked down at the family picture on the table, and focused on Melissa.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Donna and Marie walked over from the main doors of the cafeteria and sat on the same side of one of the tables.

  “Can you believe it?” Marie said. “Tonight is the dance … homecoming.

  This is the last one.”

  “I know.” Donna set her lunch down. “I’m so excited, I can’t even eat. I didn’t go last year; I didn’t have a date. I’m so excited to be going this year.”

  “I have to tell you,” Marie said in a reserved tone. “I didn’t think much of Matthew; nothing bad, but nothing good either. He struck me as average, well-rounded, you know, nothing exceptional about him one way or the other.” She looked at Donna for a minute to assess her reaction. “Given everything that’s gone on, his history with Melissa, and so forth. Forget the whole thing with Liz; I thought for sure once that reared its head he’d be like every other guy. He wasn’t. Once the two of you were exclusive, he made sure it stuck. I didn’t give him enough credit, and I should have. I’m sorry.”

  Donna smiled. “I’m appreciative that you admit that. At the end of the day, you should tell him that. It’s enough to go through the scrutiny of friends, but I’ll tell you, Tim, Patti, Michael, Lesley, and for her part, Melissa and her friends Carrie and Alecia, they didn’t put me through the ringer the way you and Katie did Matthew. He didn’t have to deal with Liz because he’s known her forever and there’s that history there.”

  “I know,” Marie said. “Maybe tonight at the dance if the chance presents itself. I don’t want to put a damper on things.”

  “I appreciate that,” Donna said with a widening smile.

  “He really is your everything, isn’t he?” Marie asked.

  “He is,” Donna said. “He calls after school. He tells me he wished he could see me more often and that it’s tough going cross-town; if we both were here at Lyman Hall, then there might be the chance to see each other here and there in the hallways.”

  Marie picked at her sandwich.

  “He stopped by unannounced once. I wasn’t home; I was out with you that afternoon. He sat for an hour with my mother and older sister. Marcie said, ‘you’re lucky it’s not ten years from now where a six-year age difference matters less; I would scoop him up.’”

  Donna looked out of the windows, and then back over to Marie. “Look, I know you’ve been with a couple of guys …”

  “Brad and Terry; but no one else,” Marie said in a slightly defensive tone.

  “Oh, I know; you would have told me,” she said, then turned and leaned in. “My parents are leaving to go to my grandmother’s this afternoon for the weekend. Marcie agreed to stay at the house today, so I could go with Matthew to the dance, and then the two of us are going there tomorrow.”

  “There’s more; go on,” Marie said, and then chuckled.

  “Marcie’s gonna stay at her boyfriend’s tonight; she already told me. I have the house to myself.”

  “No way,” Marie said. “Will you have Matthew bring you back there?”

  “I think so. I think I might be ready. Oh, I don’t know … I’m excited and nervous. He’s sort of popular in his own way over at Sheehan. A lot of people know his dad from the store. Heck, they know Matthew from the store too. I saw Mrs. Grabowski in there one time talking with Diane about Matthew, right around the time the two of us got together. She kept mentioning how nice Matthew was and if he was seeing anyone because she had a granddaughter about our age. Diane, to her credit, told her the truth.”

  “You’re rambling,” Marie said, giggling. “Get back to tonight.”

  “How was it? With you and Brad? He was your first. I’m so nervous about it. I want Matthew to like it … to like doing it with me.”

  “Honestly,” Marie said and bit her lip. “It hurt. He was trying to go easy, but I’d never done it before, and as excited as I was, the condom being so dry didn’t help.”

  “I asked my sister; she said the same thing. Oh God, maybe I should wait

  …”

  “It will be just as awkward and painful with the next guy,” Marie said.

  “And the longer you wait and the older the boy, well, you end up not being able to meet expectations, or they’re not as emotionally attached. If you really like him …”

  “I love him,” Donna said. “I’m in love with him. I haven’t said it to him, but that’s how I feel.”

  “Has he said it to you?” Marie asked.

  “No,” Donna said. “And that’s fine. Either he’ll admit that he does, or he’ll disclose that he doesn’t, but I won’t deny what I feel.”

  “I’m happy for you.” Marie leaned over to hug her. Then the girls noticed Elizabeth Wellsworth standing behind the two of them. Marie let go and stood up. “How long have you been standing there, Liz? My God; eavesdrop much?”

  “I’ve been sitting here eating the whole time,” she said and pointed to a

  pulled out chair at the table behind them. “Observant much? I was getting up to leave. As far as eavesdropping, man voice, your big mouth carries across half the room.”

  Donna stood up too, and Liz looked her dead in the eyes. “You’ll never meet his expectations; don’t embarrass yourself tonight. If you’re smart, you’ll stay at the dance until it ends, let him drive you home, and kiss him goodnight at the door. That’s the best way for you to keep a fairytale ending to the 1986 homecoming dance for the class of ‘87.”

  Donna froze. The conversation about her first time made her raw and vulnerable, and she didn’t know what to say.

  “Like you would know his experience level,” Marie said. “You’re just jealous because, despite the fact that you’re the school slut, he won’t go there with you.”

  Liz shoved Marie hard, she hit the chair behind her, and the table moved.

  “Don’t,” Donna said and balled her fists.

  “That’s right, Marie … back off like a good little puppy. Get in a fight, here and now with me, and you’ll get tossed from the dance.” Liz said with a smirk.

  Marie moved in close and stood right in front of her face. “So will you.”

  “You don’t find it amazing how I manage to get away with certain things when certain chaperones are around? My, my … you’re clueless.” Liz turned away from Marie and addressed Donna, “You’re going to embarrass yourself; we’re friends—”

  “We were friends,” Donna said with a scowl.

  “Fine, whatever. You’ll look like an idiot, you won’t give him what he’s looking for, and that’s all the opening I need. Enjoy yourself and thanks for the help.”

  Liz said nothing further, tossed her red hair, and walked away from the two of them.

  “I
can’t believe we were friends with her,” Marie said.

  “Since eighth grade,” Donna said, defeated. “She was so popular, and I thought it was a godsend to be even in her circle. I never knew how shallow and poisonous that pool was until just now.”

  “What are you going to do?” Marie asked.

  “She’s not going to get the better of me; I am not going to be concerned with her,” Donna said, watching Liz leave the room. “I don’t know exactly how Matthew feels, but I know he has feelings for me, so I’ll do the only

  thing I can do. I’ll finish the day and get ready for the dance.”

  ***

  Matthew walked away from the DJ area and looked about while the music of Huey Lewis and the News reverberated across the Lyman Hall gym.

  “Hey,” Donna said, looking up at him and cozying in once he came all the way over. “No need to look around; I’m right here. The same girl you drove here with, the one next to you in the car, next to you at the dance.”

  Matthew smiled and shouted over the music. “I never get used to this gym over ours.”

  “Well, considering the number of cross-town basketball games you’ve come to here, I can’t understand that; you’re here plenty,” Marie said.

  “Where did you go before?”

  “I asked the DJ for a request,” Matthew said and pulled Donna in closer.

  Marie leaned into Donna’s opposite ear, “Did you tell him?”

  “No, I told him my parents were out but would be back. In case I can’t go through with it, I needed an ‘out,’” Donna said.

  Marie pulled back and nodded.

  Donna looked past Marie’s shoulder. Liz made her way over.

  “Crap,” Donna said, and then glanced up at the clock. “Not even an hour.”

  Matthew looked down at her, confused, when Liz stepped in between everyone, her date trailing well behind.

  “Matthew,” Liz said in a demanding tone. “Can I have a word with you a moment?”

  Matthew looked at Donna and let her go. “Sure,” he looked over at the DJ, and then back. “What do you need?”