The Blade Mage

by Phillip Drayer Duncan

  Damn. Axel had been right about his species. I envisioned Paeter snapping my neck and ‘Axel was right’ being the last thought in my head when I died. That didn’t sit well with me.

  “Everyone thinks so much of a centaur, but my species, what do we get? We get your pity.” He turned his head and spat. “You think us weak, human? I’ll show you how weak I am.”

  “It’s not like that,” I struggled to say.

  “Then what’s it like? You going to hit me, then? Huh? What’s it going to be?”

  It was clear that Paeter had a bit of a chip on his shoulder. While I didn’t have the faintest clue what that was about, I did know he was very drunk and not making a lot of sense. So, I did the only logical thing… I hit him in the face.

  There was a blank spot after that.

  Pretty sure I time traveled a few seconds into the future, because instead of Paeter’s face in my vision, I was looking at the ground. Also, there was the taste of dirt in my mouth.

  Then I heard hooves pounding the ground, headed in my direction.

  I rolled to the side to avoid his charge and came up in a crouch. Paeter glared down at me, murder in his eyes.

  As much as I hated to admit it, Axel might’ve been right again. We should’ve brought weapons. Of course, we both had brought weapons. It was just that neither of us wanted to admit it to the other. Axel wouldn’t draw his unless I did. Which gave me pause as my hand crept toward the veiled sword on my back.

  Before I had to make that decision, Axel darted in behind Paeter and there was a loud smack as my best friend slapped the onocentaur on the butt. Axel squealed with delight and darted away, giggling like a child.

  Paeter whirled on him. He’d found a new target for his rage.

  Axel turned to face him and dropped into a wrestler-like stance. “Come on, big fella. I always wanted to be a rodeo clown.”

  Forgotten, I checked my surroundings and found a thick branch on the ground beside me. I scooped it up and charged forward, swinging it at the back of Paeter’s head. I expected a solid crack as the branched connected with his skull. Unfortunately, in my haste, I hadn’t bothered to check if the branch was rotten.

  It was.

  Instead of a satisfying crack, there was a soggy plop and my branch broke in half. It was rather lazy about it, too. Couldn’t even be bothered to send splinters flying. It just kind of…fell over.

  Paeter whipped back toward me, leading with the back of his hand. I threw up my own hands to cover my face, but his backhand sent me reeling just the same.

  That might’ve been okay if I hadn’t then stumbled over one of the broken pieces of rotten wood.

  And that might’ve been okay if I didn’t then trip over my own feet.

  Down again.

  I glanced up as Paeter raised his human hands above his head, intent on pulverizing me. Before he could, Axel’s face appeared over his shoulder. This seemed odd for a moment, then I realized that Axel had jumped on Paeter’s back. He was riding the onocentaur.

  “Eight seconds!” Axel screamed, pumping one fist in the air. “How does that Garth Brooks song go?”

  “How dare you!” Paeter screamed, reaching over his shoulder to get ahold of my friend. “How dare you try to ride Paeter!”

  “Hang in there big guy, just six more seconds!”

  Grabbing hold of Axel’s shirt with one hand, Paeter bucked as hard as he could and pulled at the same time. Axel went airborne and disappeared into the trees.

  Once more I started for my weapon, wondering if I’d waited too long. Had my hesitance cost my friend his life? Would I find Axel’s skull shattered against the side of a tree? I felt my temper rising.

  Paeter charged after Axel and I followed, still contemplating whether I should just end the drunken bastard’s temper tantrum permanently.

  But that wasn’t what we were hired to do. In fact, Valerie had been quite clear on that point. Don’t hurt Paeter. Just bring him home safe. Easy enough, right? I should’ve known better. In fact, I did. It was Axel’s idea to take the job. Since we were low on cash, the bills were due, and my fridge was a wasteland, I wasn’t in much of a position to argue. These little sub-contracts we took from Valerie kept the lights on. It was better than digging ditches. Well, usually.

  Ahead, I could see Axel trying to rise, but Paeter was too quick. There was no way he could get out of the way in time. Luckily, drunken onocentaurs aren’t any more graceful than drunk humans. His world unbalanced, Paeter zigged to the right, then zagged back to the left, overcorrecting his charge. He went right past Axel and fell forward. His face hit the dead foliage and he slid to an eventual stop.

  Again, I questioned whether to draw my sword, but once more, I stayed my hand. Instead, I followed Axel’s example. I took a wide berth around his back legs, darted toward his midsection, threw my leg over his back, and sat down like I was riding a horse.

  Now, this might not sound like the brightest of ideas, and that’s because it wasn’t. But when Axel did it, he was just trying to put on a show. He’d just been playing bull rider. I, on the other hand, had a plan. Instead of pumping my fist in the air and counting, I threw my arms around Paeter’s throat and locked him into a rear naked chokehold.

  The idea was that if I could cut off his oxygen for a moment, maybe it would settle him down and we could put an end to this thing. What I hadn’t accounted for was how strong his neck muscles were. I also hadn’t accounted for how strong his human hands would be. I’m not a small man, but in comparison, I was like a baby trying to choke out a gorilla.

  I remembered then that Valerie had told us Paeter spent his days working a farm and doing some blacksmithing, the old-fashioned way. With a hammer and an anvil. This was made clear to me by the strength of his grip alone.

  I thought he might shatter my wrist, but before he could, Axel charged back in, wielding a limb still covered in leaves. More of a twig, really. Perhaps if he’d had time to remove the leaves and whittle off the smaller limbs, he could’ve used it as a switch. As it was, I doubted it would be of any use. I was wrong.

  With Paeter’s arms reaching behind him to try and break free of my grip, Axel raised the dead leaves and brushed them ever so gently against Paeter’s unprotected armpits. The inebriated onocentaur tried to pull away, but ended up choking on tickle giggles, which allowed me to tighten my grip around his giant neck. One hand still struggled against my grip, but the other reached out and took hold of Axel’s stick.

  A tug of war match ensued, and it was clear who was going to win. Clear to me, anyway. Axel held on despite the fact the drunken chortling onocentaur was reeling him in like a fish.

  Then Paeter let go and Axel fell back on his ass.

  Rearing up, it was obvious Paeter intended to crush my stupid friend. I gave up the chokehold and put a hand over his eyes, blocking his view. Apparently, the big bastard was even drunker than I’d thought. Without his vision, he stumbled left, staggered right, then tumbled to the side.

  I dove clear so as not to get crushed and rolled back up to my feet.

  Crawling forward, Paeter used the side of a tree to help himself upright once more. As he came back to his hooves, he reached out for a low-hanging branch to steady himself.

  At the same time, I grabbed Axel and pushed him behind me. The onocentaur would charge again. If he didn’t stumble, we were screwed. We were out of options, and frankly, I was tired and just wanted to go home. It was time to end it.

  As Paeter charged again, I drew Drynwyn from its sheath on my back and lowered the veil that hid it from the human eye. White light danced from its blade like a flame to gasoline. The forest around us lit up as the ancient druidic blade came to life, revealing itself. This time it appeared as a giant bastard sword, which I took in a two-handed grip.

  Paeter’s eyes widened in recognition. Even in his inebriated state, he knew what the sword was, what it represented, and who I was. In that moment, through the drunken cloud of his mind, he realized who it was he’
d been tussling with. Who it was he’d been trying to crush.

  He cut hard to the side, trying to change direction before he plowed into me. Once more he lost his footing and went down face-first, getting a mouthful of dead leaves and dirt.

  From behind me, Axel said, “I thought you said no weapons.”

  Glancing back at him, I replied, “Is that a drumstick in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

  Axel glared at me, then dropped the veil on the drumstick he did, in fact, have in his pocket. He took it out, twirled it once, then shrugged. “I never leave home without my lucky drumstick. What if I need to drum something?”

  “Does that happen a lot?” I asked, ensuring my voice was heavy with sarcasm. “You just happen upon drums laying about without drumsticks?”

  Before Axel could reply there was a loud moan from Paeter. A moan which, I realized a moment later, was actually a sob. Still lying with his face in the mud, the onocentaur was crying.

  I glanced at Axel but he shrugged in reply. We stood awkwardly for a few moments, before Axel said, “I’ll go speak with him.”

  He started forward, but I grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him back. I didn’t feel like fighting the big guy again if it could be helped.

  As if reading my mind, Axel said, “You know, if you had just let me do the talking, things might not have escalated the way they did.”

  I glared at him. “Fine, we’ll both go talk to him.”

  We eased our way toward the big guy, his blubbering sobs growing louder with each step. As we closed distance with him I said, “Uh, Paeter?”

  “What?” he asked in a gravelly voice. “What do you want?”

  “Um, well, I…” I glanced at Axel but he didn’t have anything to add.

  “Just get it over with already,” Paeter said, face still in the dirt. “I’m unworthy.”

  “Uh…” I wasn’t sure what to say.

  “Oh, Mary Beth,” he said, pausing to blubber out a few more cries. “I was unworthy of your love.”

  We stared at the donkey half of Paeter, unsure what to say or do.

  “Uh, listen, Paeter,” I said, taking a step forward. “If we can talk—”

  “Oh, just kill me already. Put an end to this misery. Mary Beth. Oh, Mary Beth!”

  “Hey dummy!” Axel said. “Shut up for a minute and listen! Sheesh!”

  I glared daggers at Axel but he shrugged in reply.

  Paeter turned and glared at us. “Can’t you see my misery, Blade Mage? Just end it. I can’t live without her.”

  “Well, if you’d listen, you’d know you don’t have to, you big oaf,” Axel said. “What kind of onocentaur are you?”

  “Axel,” I said, pushing him back. “That’ll do.”

  I turned back to Paeter, who was just staring at us.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Paeter,” I said, meeting his gaze. “Who do you think hired us to come find you?”

  “You mean?”

  “I mean your wife, Mary Beth, hired a private investigator, who in turn hired us, to come find you and bring you home.”

  “Mary Beth wants me to come home?” he asked, looking between the two of us.

  “Yes,” I said, nodding. “Your wife wants you to come home.”

  “But…what about Samson?”

  I risked a glance and Axel but he didn’t seem to know who Samson was either. “Paeter, I don’t know who Samson is.”

  Anger flashed across his features. “Some slick-talking, big dicked, beefcake centaur. A proper centaur, he is. Has the tenacity to tell my wife she ought to be with a real centaur. Not some donkey man.”

  And then things started to click.

  “So, was Mary Beth seeing this Samson?”

  “No,” he said, then after a brief pause, added, “Well, yes, but no. It’s complicated.”

  He started sobbing again.

  “Is Samson a former boyfriend?” Axel asked. “Like someone she used to date?”

  “Yes, a long time ago,” Paeter said.

  “And is Mary Beth a centaur or onocentaur?”

  “Does it matter?” he asked, glaring again.

  “Not to me,” Axel replied.

  After a moment, Paeter sighed and said, “She’s a centaur. Her whole family hated her for marrying me. Wanted her to marry that long swinging dick Samson instead. He doesn’t know her. He doesn’t understand her like I do. He doesn’t love her.”

  “Okay,” I said, still unclear on what the hell was actually going on. “But she did marry you, Paeter.”

  “I know.” It came out as more of a pout than actual words. Like a ten-year-old who’s been told to go sit in the corner.

  “So, what’s the problem?” I asked.

  “What’s the problem? What’s the problem?” Paeter replied, rearing back up to his hooves and spreading his arms as though it were obvious. “He sent her a friend request on Face Hugger!”

  “Face Hugger?” I repeated, glancing at Axel.

  Axel shrugged. “Uh, what’s Face Hugger?”

  “Aren’t those the aliens from the movie Alien?” I asked.

  “Oh, right,” Axel said, then turned his attention back to Paeter. “What do they have to do with this?”

  Paeter sighed. “Don’t you guys use the Internet? Face Hugger is a social media platform for the supernatural. It’s a place us weirdos can connect. The developers thought the name was appropriate.”

  “I did not…know that,” I replied, letting the concept sink in. “Most wizards aren’t big on computers. They don’t tend to last too long around us.”

  “Oh,” Paeter said, his eyes widening. “You’re missing out. Everyone is on there. Well, a lot of people. You can only join by invitation and it’s monitored closely to keep Normans out.”

  “Okay,” I said, trying to get us back on topic. “So, Samson sent Mary Beth a friend request on Face Hugger. And then what happened?”

  “She accepted it,” he said, looking away as the tears flowed once more. “And now he’s going to swoop in and steal her away.”

  “Because of…Face Hugger,” I said.

  “That’s rough, buddy,” Axel said, patting Paeter on his donkey half.

  “I don’t understand,” I said, glancing between them. “It was just a friend request?”

  “Don’t be insensitive, Wyatt!” Axel said, glaring at me.

  “Okay,” I replied, still really confused about this whole situation.

  Axel gave Paeter another pat and said, “I’m sorry, man. That’s rough. But being friends on Face Hugger with an ex doesn’t mean she still loves him. Maybe she was just trying to be nice.”

  “So, wait,” I said, butting in again. “Is that the whole story?”

  “What do you mean?” Paeter asked.

  “I mean, that’s it? She accepted a friend request from an ex, and what, you ran away?”

  “Wyatt!” Axel said, shaking his head at me. “It’s a big deal!”

  “No, it isn’t,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “You got jealous, and instead of talking to your wife about it, you loaded up a bunch of booze, and ran out into the forest to do what exactly?”

  “To get drunk,” Paeter said, as though it were obvious. “And to become a hermit. Live off the land. Die alone…”

  “Because of a friend request?” I asked.

  “Well, no, not exactly,” he said, looking to Axel for support.

  “Wyatt—”

  “Shut up, Axel,” I said, glaring at him. “Paeter can speak for himself.”

  “I just want Mary Beth to be happy!” he said. “I just want her to be happy.”

  “Then take your ass home,” I said. “Right now.”

  Beside me, Axel began to chuckle.

  Both Paeter and I turned to look at him.

  “You said ‘take your ass home’,” Axel said, still chuckling. “He’s half donkey. So, ass means—”

  “We get it, Axel,” I said, then turned back to Paeter. “G
o home, Paeter.”

  “She really wants me back? She really hired you to find me?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “Oh, okay,” he said, his face lighting up. “Then I’ll go home!”

  “Great!” I said, just hoping to be done with this particular bit of ridiculousness.

  “There’s only one problem.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t know my way home from here.”