Silent Screams

by Zachary Ryan

  “Safe space,” he barked out a hateful laugh. “How can he feel safe, when he doesn’t know you sent yourself a photo of him and Colby kissing?”

  I stepped back against the sink. “Don’t make it sound like I’m trying to do something sinister,” I said.

  “Why shouldn’t I? Ben, you’re always making sure to have a back-up plan when something goes south,” he said. “I’ve seen it myself when people found out you had to go to summer school, you exposed Padon Skirchak’s parents were getting a divorce freshman year,” he said.

  “It’s called survival,” I said. I turned to look away from him and in the mirror.

  He walked up next to me. He turned on the sink. “It’s so nice being able to wash my hands clean.”

  “Right there, Gabe. You aren’t taking accountability for your own damn actions.”

  “I was pushed to such great lengths. All I wanted was love and attention. We all can’t be you, Ben. We can’t just be handed popularity and keep it by ruining other people to keep their secrets alive.”

  “It happened once, and I would never do it again,” I said.

  He walked over to air dry his hands. “I don’t know if that’s true. You still have that photo on your phone, don’t you?” he asked. He looked down at the photo of Lane and Colby. Even though I tried to debunk Gabe’s words, I still didn’t delete that phone because my instincts told me to keep that photo just in case.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Ben

  I walked into Chet’s house. It was time for his annual poker night. We all let Chet win because no one wanted to deal with his bruised ego. He went all out since this was the last one before we all went off to college.

  I saw Max on his phone by the stairs. “Max, why aren’t you being social?” I asked.

  He looked up at me and shrugged. “This is for Chet to feel good about himself. I know damn well to stay out of his way. He needs his moment to shine,” he said.

  I thought about Max for a moment. “Congrats on getting into MIT.”

  I saw Max’s whole face brighten up. “I couldn’t believe I got in. I thought it was a joke when I got my acceptance letter.”

  “How did your dad take it?” I asked.

  “He was over the moon,” he said. I could see that his facial expressions changed. “He wished Chet had gotten into a better school, because he’s worried, he’s going to just drink himself into expulsion,” he said.

  “It’s Chet, he’s going to do whatever he wants.” I figured he and Kate were going to run off to LA together to become huge social influencers. They had clung to their growing fame, and it truly seemed to be the only thing giving them substance as of late.

  I continued to walk around and noticed that Jarele and Cass weren’t here. I wondered where they had gone, but I wasn’t worried about it. Lane had invited us over for movies on Saturday, and it would be good to just get away from everyone here.

  I opened the door to the study where Chet was playing poker. There were Chet’s goons around Chet, captains of all the sports teams, and other popular guys at the table. Chet looked up to see me walking in. “I’m surprised Ben Howard had decided to make his appearance. I figured you would be with your little reject friends tonight,” he said. He looked at his hand.

  I huffed out a laugh. “God Forbid I miss your party tonight. I might wake up to texts from you bitching about how I’m a horrible friend. I couldn’t possibly hurt your feelings.”

  He threw some chips into the middle of the table. “Someone wants to come here to fight. Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he asked. I knew the buy in was a lot of money, and I didn’t have that. I had given all the money I made at the bar to my dad to help with bills and groceries. The sad reality was that I also needed to put money away for college. I regretted the thought of meeting with my mother soon to talk about it. She had sent me a letter telling me congrats on getting into college, and that she wanted to meet for dinner in the next couple of weeks.

  “Once again, I’m not trying to stroke your ego even more than it already needs to be done,” I said.

  He threw his cards on the table. He walked around the table toward me. “What is with the attitude today? Did your boyfriend not fuck you right today?” he asked.

  It was comments like that, that I wasn’t a fan of. “You talk a lot about my sexual activities. It seems someone is obsessed with me. Chet, are you trying to hit on me?” I asked.

  He had a smirk on his face. He balled up his fist and threw it, but he purposely missed to hit the wall right next to me. “You really don’t want to fight with me right now, Ben.”

  “Alright boys, let's not get into some physical altercation right now,” Kate said, putting some space between us.

  Chet smirked. “I have a poker game to get back to.” He walked over to the table and took a seat. “You can see yourself out, Howard.”

  Kate escorted me out of the room. She looked at me. “Do you want to explain to me what that was?” she asked.

  After seeing Lane so broken yesterday, it made me look at everything. Chet was a huge part of Gabe’s explosion. He continued to be tormentor, and he didn’t see that as a problem. Chet didn’t realize what damage he was causing. He was creating more broken souls because he was one himself.

  “I’m just all over the place lately,” I said. I knew it was easier to keep it semi together for Kate. I knew that I could trust her with some of my shit. I didn't want to get into the fact that it also pissed me off they were blowing through so much money, when I desperately needed it. Shit, I was jealous that I couldn’t do that anymore.

  She reached out and squeezed my hand. “We’re all dealing with the shooting in our own rights. Chet finally got some love from his father and my parents noticed me for something other than my lack of beauty compared to my sisters. We’re all trying to find the good in all of this,” she said.

  I pulled her into a hug. “I don’t know how you deal with him.”

  “Because he’s the only person in the world that loves me for what’s behind the camera,” she said. She leaned back. “We’re not perfect people, but he makes me feel like I could be some day.”

  “I’m going to head out. I’ll see you later,” I said.

  I walked toward the door and I heard some kids talking. “I still can’t believe that he shot up the school,” Eli said. Eli was a stoner that hung out with us if we wanted to smoke.

  “Yeah. We were so lucky Chet and Kate wanted to skip school and go drinking that day,” Laura said.

  My heart dropped and I didn’t want to believe what they said. I stormed out of the house before I could make a scene. I walked over to my car, and I sat in it for a moment. I felt the rage bubble along with confusion. I felt the statement trying to sink in, but my body was rejecting it as much as it possibly could. They wouldn’t have lied about that, would they have? Would they honestly create this narrative to get sympathy?

  “Doesn’t it hurt when you find out the truth about people you thought were your friends?” Gabe asked. I turned to look at him, and I couldn’t answer his question, because in my bones, I didn’t want him to be right. I wanted nothing more than to tell Gabe to go fuck himself, but I knew I couldn’t do it. I turned once again to look into the darkness because I wanted nothing more than to believe I misheard them, but in my heart of hearts, I believed Chet and Kate would be capable of doing something like that.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Cass

  I should have known this was how it was going to go. The death had finally settled and our true nature would eventually come back out. He had told me he had a family emergency and had to cancel our dinner date. I ignored the fact that I was dressed up at stupid dinner waiting for him for over a half an hour, before he finally texted me.

  He was so kind and strong when I needed to be picked up. The only thing with him was that he didn’t realize how stupid he was with social media. He didn’t realize that I followed Angela’s friends. He di
dn’t expect me to see him at a party in Angela’s honor. It had been a year since Angela came to our school and they all fell in love with her. They were honoring her memory tonight, and Jarele was there giving a speech about how incredible she was.

  I shouldn’t have crashed the party. It was to honor Angela. She had always been a good person. She never was mean or evil to anyone. She was the new girl trying to find her place in this damn school. I just wished it hadn’t been my boyfriend’s pants.

  I walked into the living room where everyone was drinking and having a good time. I saw the softness on Jarele’s face. I saw how much he had a good heart, but I was in pain here. I was second place to a damn dead girl.

  He turned and we caught eyes. He looked at me and that smile went away. I didn’t want to make a scene in the middle of the party. I hated the bitch who was throwing this party. But, my issues weren’t with her. It was with the man that took my heart while giving his to her.

  I stormed to the backyard. I knew he would follow me. “Cass, what are you doing here?” he asked.

  I turned to look at him. “When will you stop loving her? When can I start forgiving you for what you did?” I asked.

  “It was a last-minute thing,” he said.

  “So, you decided to cancel our plans to be here?” I asked. “I’m just second place to you.”

  “I just wanted to be here. We bonded while she was here. She meant a lot to me.” He walked over and grabbed my hands. “But I love this more.”

  I ripped my hands out of his. “No, you don’t. Jarele, I’m done here. I can’t continue to be with you while you’re still in love with this chick.” I stormed past him.

  “Don’t push me away. Don’t be like your mother,” he said.

  I turned around. “If she was still alive, would you have ever told me?” I asked. “Would you have continued to date her? You would make me believe that we’re meant to be together?” I asked.

  “Cass, I love you. It was something exciting. That’s all we were.”

  I shook my head. I felt the tears beginning to fall “I wish so much that I could believe you right now.”

  “Cass, I’m a good guy.”

  I walked up and slapped him across the face. “You don’t get to use that label after all the shit you’ve done to me. You don’t get to walk away from this thinking you did nothing wrong. You deserve an award for your acting. You had all of us believe you actually were one of the good ones.” I didn’t give him a chance to respond. I walked toward the door.

  I paused for a moment. I saw in the reflection Jarele’s facial expression. I saw the hurt that he had on his face, but I didn’t care. He decided to have a romantic relationship with someone that wasn’t me.

  I drove myself home trying to keep it together. I walked inside my house. I saw my parents fighting in the living room.

  “Dan, you have to stop!” my mother screamed at my father.

  “Denise, I can’t, and you know this.” He stormed my mother’s face. “Maybe if my wife didn’t attack me every second she got home; we would be able to be a happy family.”

  “I’m sorry that I have work and I’m providing for this family. You won’t turn me into this horrid bitch that you created in your mind,” she said.

  “And I’m not going to feel guilty that you’ve been pushing me away because I made one mistake and got fired.” My dad took a swig of his drink. “I lost everything because of one stupid night. Why can’t you forgive me for it?” he asked.

  My mother turned and saw me standing there. She wiped her face. “Cass, how long have you been standing there?” she asked.

  “I just walked in. Don’t worry, I’ll leave you alone.” I walked up the stairs and closed the door to my bedroom. My parents continued to fight about the fact that my dad hit on an intern that made him lose his job. He wanted to feel like he mattered ever since his mother’s death. My mother had focused so much on her career, instead of her husband. My dad never cheated, but my mother didn’t see it that way.

  I curled on my bed and grabbed a pillow. I screamed and cried into it because my heart was broken. I thought of Jarele’s words. Did I become so cold to him, that he needed to run to another woman? Did I cause all of this? I wanted these answers, but I would never get them. The person that I wanted the most to make sure I didn’t go into my dark hole couldn’t save me. My prince knight was saving another damsel in distress, and I didn’t know how to escape this tower on my own.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Zachary

  It was so stupid, and I hadn’t even thought about it for some time. I knew it continued to be a horrible nightmare every time that I carried it around. I opened my locker and pulled out my science book. I slid it out, and it must have caught the paper because the letter came falling out of the locker.

  I saw it there on the ground. I didn’t know how to feel about seeing it there. “Are you just going to leave my words right there?” Gabe asked.

  I looked up at him. “Go away,” I said. I had to study for this stupid exam, and I didn’t have time to think about him.

  “But you used to read my letter over and over again,” he said.

  I bent down and grabbed it. I opened the science book and stuffed it in there. I looked at Gabe. “I read it trying to find clues If I had anything to do with what you did.” I slammed my locker and walked away from him.

  I stormed out of the building. It was my free period, and I just needed some air. I found an empty park bench in the front of the school. People were either studying, eating, or trying to forget they were at the hellhole called school.

  I took a seat at a bench. I opened the science book to the chapters I needed to study for the test that was going to be the next day.

  “I can’t believe you just threw it in your locker like that. After all the support I’ve given you.” Gabe had reappeared.

  I turned to look him in the eyes. I saw the pain splashed across his face. “How am I to be sure that all your supporting me was for me or to get into my pants?” I asked.

  “You read the letter. I wanted to be with you.”

  I looked down at the science book again. “I can’t disappoint you too.”

  “You disappointed me the night of the dance. Don’t you remember?” he asked.

  Of course, I remembered the dance. I had just finished dancing with Tristen when I told him that I needed some water. I was grabbing a water bottle when I saw Gabe. “Gabe, I had no clue you were coming to this.”

  He gave me a weak smile. “You know how much I hate dances.”

  I laughed. “You practically didn’t speak to me, Cass, or Ben when we tricked you into going to Homecoming.” It was our senior year, and I didn’t want Gabe or Lane missing out on the fun. We lied to them that we were going to see some movie. We had packed some dress clothes and drove them to the school instead.

  He seemed nervous. He was fidgeting and was making me worried. “Are you okay?” I asked.

  He sighed. “I’ve been wanting to give this to you for some time now. I didn’t know what the right moment would be, but here we are.” He handed me a letter.

  I was confused about what it was. “Gabe?” I asked.

  “Just read it,” he said.

  I turned over the envelope and pulled out the letter. I opened it and began to read the words that were written in Gabe’s handwriting.

  Dear Zachary,

  I know it seems so stupid to be writing these words, but I didn’t know how else to get them out. You’ve always had my attention from the moment you sat down next to me at lunch freshman year. I couldn’t tell you how much it made my heart jump when you asked me to run lines with you or help build up your confidence. I’ve seen you try to find the right guy to love you. It’s killed me for years to see that no one knows how truly special you really are. Zachary Vincent, I’m in love with you, and I couldn’t graduate in the next couple months without telling you.

  Love,

  Gabe

  I close
d the letter and looked at him. I knew those were all sweet words, but I couldn’t love him back. We were too weak of souls to be together. We would crumble each other if we even tried. “Gabe,” I said, with a weak tone.

  He nodded and put his hand in the air. “Don’t say anything else. I get it. I was so stupid to think you would think differently.” He stormed off before I could say anything else.

  I looked down at the letter and placed my hand on it. I knew Gabe gave me his heart right then, and I would treasure it. He was once again being a supportive person to me, and I could never give him the appreciation that he deserved.

  I was brought back to the present. I turned to him. “You know damn well that I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I spent so many damn weeks reading it.”

  “Because you feel like if you didn’t reject me that maybe I wouldn’t have killed all those people,” he said.

  “Maybe,” I said. “Gabe, I wish you would still be here. I wish you didn’t feel like you had no one in your corner. People truly cared for you and we miss you. I want you to know that any girl would have been lucky to be with you.”

  He stood up. “But no one would come close to you.” He nodded. “I wish I was good enough for you.” He didn’t give me a chance to say anything else before he disappeared.

  I pulled out the letter from the pages it was hiding in. I looked at them, and he didn’t realize that the great Zachary Vincent was just a damn fraud. He loved my on-stage persona, and he would have ended it within weeks once he got to know the real me. I put the letter back into the science book trying not to think about it. Too bad for me, all I could think about was how much I wished the on-stage persona of Zachary Vincent was the real me and was still alive to be worthy of love.

  Chapter Forty