Silent Screams

by Zachary Ryan

  I looked at her and I knew that I needed to be honest with her. I saw how much keeping things in the dark could destroy you. I had been struggling so much for my love of the theatre, and I couldn’t lie anymore. I didn’t want to keep living this double life.

  “Mom, I never got a role for the musical,” I said.

  “What? You’ve been going to practice,” she said.

  I shrugged. “Mom, I lied. My voice broke during auditions. I thought that I could somehow have a miracle, and it never happened.”

  “Why lie?”

  “Ethan goes to Juilliard for music and Violet is going to destroy it as a track star. I didn’t want to disappoint you,” I said. “I didn’t want you to think that you couldn’t be proud of me.”

  My mom looked at me with such worry. “Do you honestly think that I wouldn’t be proud of you?” she asked. “What happened to you is something that’s very hard to overcome. I was waiting for you to come to know about your feelings,” she said.

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “Zachary, you’ve had a hard couple of months. You lost your ability to sing to your former ability, your school had a shooting, and you’re graduating high school. These are some changing times for you, and I wish you didn’t have to go through them alone.”

  “You aren’t mad?” I asked.

  “Do you still love theatre?” my mom asked. “Is that what you want to continue to do?”

  “I don’t know. Mom, I’ve always loved the theatre. I’ve given it my everything, but it hasn’t given me anything in return.”

  “You’ve had some of the greatest performances. You have had praise, and you’ve created a family there. I know how much Ms. Rey loves you. I even know that boy Tristian has been calling all night asking if you’re okay.”

  “Really?” I asked.

  “I know that this is something you’re struggling with, but you make me and your father so proud to watch you up there and perform. Yes, you can’t sing anymore, but you can still perform.”

  “But what if I fail?” I asked. “I don’t want to disappoint you guys.”

  “Who cares about us, Zachary. You need to focus on making sure you don’t disappoint yourself. You need to find some kind of love for yourself. Zachary, you’re one in a million. I’m proud of all three of my kids, but I have to take the training wheels off eventually. I love being your cheerleader and pushing you, but eventually, you need to cheer for yourself and push through those demons in your head.”

  I pulled my mother into another hug. I closed my eyes, and I was grateful for her. “Thank you so much for loving me.”

  “I’ll never stop,” she paused and looked at me. “But you need to let someone else love you too. I know you think people can’t accept you when you think you’re imperfect, but people can surprise you,” she said.

  I knew she was talking about Tristian. “Tristian?” I asked.

  “I’ve seen you two for years play this, ‘will they, won’t they’ game. You’re both about to graduate, why not have a moment together?” she asked.

  “I’m scared,” I said. I knew that Tristian could be like every other guy that tossed me to the side. They saw past the appeal and decided that I wasn’t worthy. I didn’t want that for Tristian and me.

  “Good, you should be.” She broke the hug. “Go talk to the boy,” she said.

  I gave her a weak smile. “Okay,” I said. I walked toward the door, and I got a bit of a confidence boost from my mother. I never thought my mother would be so sweet to me when it came to me not being part of the musical, but maybe I judged people too harshly. Maybe I didn’t give people enough credit because of horrible humans before them.

  ****

  “So, you’ve been told by too many guys that you’re a disappointment, and you didn’t want me to be another one?” Tristan asked. I had gotten to his house and we were sitting on the swing that was on his porch. We were looking at the stars, and I just dumped all my emotional baggage right in front of him.

  “You might think it’s stupid, and that’s okay,” I said. “I lost my vocal abilities, and I didn’t want you to think of me less than,” I said. “I wanted to be the great Zachary Vincent to you, even though I’m not that girl anymore.”

  “Zachary,” he said. I turned to look at him. I saw the softness in his eyes. “The girl that’s in front of me right now is the great Zachary Vincent, not the girl that kills it on the stage. It’s the one that makes flash cards for her lines, it’s the girl that wears the same socks during all of her performance as good luck,” he paused for a moment. “It’s the girl that even comforts her enemy when they’re having a nervous breakdown.”

  “Marylyn told you guys about that?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Yeah, she did. She still thought she deserved the part, but she was grateful that you got her through that moment. That is the great Zachary Vincent that I’ve been in love with for years now,” he said.

  “You love me?” I asked.

  “Zachary, hasn’t it been obvious?” I asked.

  “I thought you were only attracted to me because I was talented,” I said. I knew that was why a lot of guys were attracted to me. They saw me on that stage, and they assumed that girl was the real me. They learned soon enough it wasn’t me.

  He didn’t let me respond before he leaned forward and showed me how much he loved me. This kiss felt right to me because this had been what I’ve wanted for so long. I had finally shown my true self to someone, and they accepted me.

  He broke the kiss for a second. “I love you for the girl off the stage, not the one trying to be a strong woman. I want someone who is vulnerable, and I thought I lost that side of you. I thought the person I loved had gone away.”

  I shook my head. “I didn’t think anyone would want that side of me,” I said.

  “I hope this proves to you that someone does,” he said, before he went in for another kiss. I didn’t realize how much I craved this kiss, and how much I needed it. I knew that I would still think I would disappoint people, but I got to kiss the boy that I wanted to give my heart to under the stars. My mom told me that I had a difficult couple of months, and she was right. But under the stars with Tristian, made all those struggles worth it because I got here knowing that I had one person does not see me as a giant disappointment.

  Chapter Seventy-Seven

  Cass

  I parked the car, and I took a deep breath. Jarele had texted me the whole time I was with Lane to see if he and I were okay. I felt like I finally had a moment to really digest what happened. Lane tried to kill himself over guilt. I had guilt of my own because I wished I had seen it. I wished we all could have stopped being distracted by our own lives and been there for each other.

  I got out of the car and I heard screaming. My mom had been gone for the past week because of business again. I was done with it. I was tired of coming home once again to hearing screams and threats of violence.

  I walked into the house to see the same scene I’ve seen over and over again. My mom pleaded for me to go upstairs. My dad was once again demanding I see it because I had to see how horrible my mother was.

  I just closed my eyes. “Enough!” I screamed, at the top of my lungs.

  They both stopped speaking and looked at me. “Aren’t you tired of fighting with each other?” I asked. “Don’t you guys at some point want to fix this?”

  They looked between each other. “We’re trying,” my dad said.

  I walked toward my dad. “If you were trying to fix it, then you would have stopped drinking by now.” I grabbed the bottle out of my dad’s hand. “You would get sober and get help. Dad, I get you lost grandma, but you’re going to lose mom and me if you keep this up,” I said.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, and it was the first time that I had seen the softer side of him. “But she’s never here,” he said, pointing to my mother.

  I turned around. “Mom, dad’s right. You aren’t ever here,” I said. “There were so many tim
es I needed my mom to save me, not my boyfriend. I needed to be protected by my parents, not from them.”

  She opened her mouth then closed it. She felt her phone go off. “I need to go get that. It’s probably work.”

  I walked up to her. “Get it. That’s fine. Not like we matter to you anymore.” I walked upstairs and closed my door and lay on my bed. I closed my eyes, and for the first time in months, there was silence when both my parents were in the room.

  I didn’t know how long it was before I heard a knock on my door. I lifted myself up and saw my mom walking in. “Can I come in?” she asked.

  “Don’t you have a work meeting?” I asked.

  She gave me a soft smile. “I turned my phone off for the night. Your father is asleep, and he still feels guilty for all the hell you’ve been through.”

  “Dad’s not the only one at fault.”

  She walked over and sat down. “I know.”

  I looked at my mom. “One of my best friends tried to kill himself tonight,” I said, looking at her. “And you and dad wouldn’t have noticed. Do you also realize that two months ago, I could have died in that shooting?”

  She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “I was in New York when I heard the news. I felt so trapped there. I couldn’t get home faster. Your father had already been drinking, and he felt like an idiot for day drinking. I think it was the last time we were on the same page.”

  I looked at her. “But you both got even worse after that.”

  “Because we couldn’t admit that we almost lost you.” She played with my comforter. “I’m not an emotional person. When your grandmother died, I saw how much it wrecked your father. I love your father so much, and it killed me that he was in so much pain.”

  “Then why weren’t you here now?”

  “I didn’t know how to fix him. I had no control of making him better. I knew that I couldn’t bring his mother back. I couldn’t make him happier. I felt so useless,” she said.

  I saw the vulnerability on her face. I had never seen my mother be so human before. “So, you worked?”

  “Exactly, and when the shooting happened, it was the same thing. I needed something that I could control. You hear stories about school shootings, but you never think it could happen to your child.” She wiped a tear away. “I thought this world would protect you.” She looked me straight in my eyes. “And then to find out one of your friends had done it. One of the people I let into my home. I just....” she let the thought drift.

  I hadn’t realized the shooting affected our parents too. They were as much victims as we were. They needed to grieve themselves, and sometimes, they did in the wrong ways too. “Mom, you don’t always have to fix things, but you just have to be here,” I said. I saw my mom in a different light in that moment, but it didn’t change the fact that she still wasn’t around. I had needed her so many times, and I would hold some anger towards my parents because of it.

  “There are so many things that I wish I could change and protect you from.” She paused. “Even if that’s including me. I know how much my fights with your father affect you.”

  “But that doesn’t mean you just keep away. It made the fights even worse. It’s made me feel even more alone. Mom, I’ve been miserable, and you haven’t been here.” I wanted my mother to know how much her not being here has destroyed me.

  “I know, babe. I know. All I can do is try.” She pulled me into a hug and kissed me on the forehead. “All I can do is try,” she said.

  I held my mother tighter because I didn’t know how long my mother was going to be here for. I didn’t know if she would even change, but in this moment, I believed her. I believed my father would get sober, and my mother wouldn’t run as much. I enjoyed this fantasy even if it was just that.

  Chapter Seventy-Eight

  Ben

  I came home after making sure Lane knew how sorry I was for everything I did. I needed him to know that I never meant to hurt him. I wanted him to understand that I was trying to protect my image, and it almost caused me to lose another friend. I walked into my house to see my mom and dad were both sitting in the living room.

  “What are you two doing together?” I asked. It had been months since they were in the same room together.

  My mother stood up. “I had to make sure Chet’s parents didn’t sue this family for your little incident tonight. Are you kidding me, Ben? You’re a Howard. You can’t go around beating people up.”

  “Am I still a Howard?” I asked. “If I remember you kicked me out of your life when dad decided he wanted to bang another woman,” I said. “Even though I had no clue what he was up to.”

  My dad stood up. “I won’t be attacked because I thought I was doing what was best for you and me.”

  “Really?” my mother asked. “Do you honestly think this a better life for him? I could have given him way more options than you can.”

  “I can make him happier,” my dad said. “I know that he didn’t want to be controlled by you or your father.”

  I looked at both of them arguing over what was right for my future. I just looked at them, and they never asked me what I wanted. “One of my best friends tried to kill himself today,” I said.

  Both of them looked at me. “What?” my mom asked.

  “Who was it, Ben?” my dad asked.

  “Lane,” I said. I looked between them as they realized who I was talking about. “I outed him to the whole damn school to protect my image,” I paused for a moment. “And I realized what is my image.” I looked at my mother. “Being a Howard where I need to be prim and proper.” I turned to my dad. “Or, be like you, dad. Where I’m meant to keep a brave face but continue to do horrible things behind closed doors.”

  “I never did anything in the dark.”

  “Really? You kept Camilla from both me and my mom. I never knew why we were kicked out of our house until I walked in on you two.” I looked at both of them. “You both continued to force me into being someone that I don’t know. I’ve never had to figure things out for myself. Mom, you wanted me to be a politician, and Dad, you wanted me to be your chess piece against mom.”

  “I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted you to have the same opportunities that I had,” my mom said.

  “But it came with strings. I was stuck in your bird cage, and I had to be a good little birdy.”

  “You never complained about it,” my mom said.

  “Why would I want to?” I asked. “Everything was handed to me and I could just coast.” I turned to dad. “It wasn’t till he reminded me that I wanted to be a firefighter that I realized that I had no control over my life.”

  “And that’s what my relationship with Camilla is. It’s a way for both of us to get freedom,” my dad said.

  “No, it isn’t. I was made to live here not by choice. You never truly asked me what I wanted. Yes, I didn’t want to have the pressure of the Howard name on me, but you made my life choices without my input,” I paused. “You both did that. I get you’re trying to be good parents, but you have to listen to me at some point.”

  My mom and dad looked at each other. “What do you want then?” my mom asked.

  I shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. I’m eighteen, and I have so much in front of me. I know for now, that I want space from the both of you. I want to move to Chicago and continue to work at the bar.”

  “What about your career?” my mom asked.

  “What about your passions?” my dad asked.

  “Once again, I don’t know. I know it’s not what everyone had thought of for Ben Howard, but that’s okay. I’m done with this stupid reputation or expectations of me. I almost got my best friend killed because I clung to that reputation. The problem is that it’s a jail sentence with some nice perks. I rather live my life in a hard freedom than a fancy birdcage,” I said.

  I had no clue if I would crash and burn, but I had to do it for myself. I had to make sure that I forged a path for myself. I could come crawling back to them, but
I would have tried. I wasn’t going to take the easy road anymore, and I would make a reputation for myself. I wanted to be proud of something that I earned instead of what was given to me. It was time to be the Ben Howard that I could love and respect when I saw that reflection in the mirror.

  Chapter Seventy-Nine

  Lane

  My parents helped me inside the house. It was late Sunday night when the hospital released me. I had spent the weekend in intense therapy. It was nice having my friends there for me. I needed them more than I ever thought. I still could see the hint of blood on my hands, but I knew eventually it would wash away. I would stop myself from thinking what Gabe my fault did was.

  My parents looked at me for a moment. “Do you need anything?” my mom asked.

  I looked at them, and I had to be honest with them. I couldn’t keep going behind closed doors and acting like everything was perfectly fine. “I need you to stand up for me,” I said to her. I looked at my dad next. “There’s no way that I can keep being gay behind closed doors now. I can’t keep being a coward. I need you guys to stand up to all the comments and posts from your friends.” I tried to keep myself composed. “I need to know you guys aren’t ashamed of me. You’re going to stand by me now that I’m fully open to the world.”

  My parents didn’t respond at first. They just simply pulled me into a hug. I felt safe in this hug. “You’re worthy of love of any kind. We will stand up for you. We will make sure everyone knows that we have a gay son, and we’re so proud of him. We won’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t deserve to walk this Earth,” my mother said.

  “Thank you.”

  “And we can put rainbow flags on our car. We can get pins made. We can even change our profile pics to the rainbow flag. We can go to Market Days with you. Help you figure out what guys you’re into,” my dad said and kept rambling about all the things he wanted to do with me.