Renata and the Fall from Grace

by Becky Doughty

  They had a G-FOURce scheduled for that weekend already to talk about summer plans and how old little Gia had to be before she could be ushered into their sister society. By the time they sat cross-legged in the Airstream, heavily doctored coffees in hand, Renata was dry-eyed and confident.

  "He doesn't want me to feel tied down, that's all," she explained to her curious, albeit concerned sisters. "He's trying to be sensitive to me. I think it's sweet."

  Juliette sat at the little fold-out dining table, toying with the handle of her cup. She wore a pair of dark blue jeans and a turquoise shirt that made her skin glow under the light over her head. Her long hair was pulled up in a clip, but soft tendrils caressed her face, making her look luminous and fragile. "Sounds like he's a real gentleman, Renata. What do you think, Phoebe?"

  "Sounds like he's full of crap, like he doesn't want to be tied down himself." Phoebe's kohl-lined eyes had narrowed as she listened to Renata relay her conversation with Brad to them. "He's been stringing you along all this time and now he's going to string you along even longer so that he can go have his fun while you keep the home fires burning for him."

  "Well, aren't we cynical," Renata retorted. "You obviously don't know Brad very well." But she hated the way her scalp tingled in reaction to her little sister's words. Something resonated in her; something she didn't want to face, so she pushed it away by taking jabs at Phoebe. "What do you know anyway? You're just a kid who thinks she's too big for her britches."

  "I may think I'm too big for my britches, but you actually are too big for yours. You might want to think about buying a size or two up." Phoebe's voice was cool and low, but so much more deadly than Renata's heated jabs.

  "Guys, please." Juliette's calm voice cut in before Renata could think of anything to say. "Look, he sounds like he's being gentlemanly, but even if he was doing it more for his own reasons, isn't it better that he doesn't make some kind of promise that he might end up breaking in the end?"

  Renata's heart lurched at the thought of Brad kissing anyone else.

  "Besides, we can't know his thoughts," Juliette continued, ignoring the deadly glares being exchanged between the other two. "But Renata, you do know him better than we do, and he sounds nice enough. Maybe we should just take him at his word. All we can do is hope for the best, right?"

  Phoebe rolled her eyes, making Renata wish she could poke them out.

  Brad did leave for the summer. And he did return three days before their senior year began.

  But it wasn't until the end of the first day of school that Renata found out that Brad was back in town. From Phoebe. She climbed into the passenger seat and eyed Renata askance. "What?"

  "Nothing," Phoebe responded, then turned away to stare out the window.

  "Why were you looking at me like that?" Renata had dressed so carefully for this day. She'd hoped beyond hope that Brad would be there, that he would sneak up behind her in the hallway, grab her around the waist, and haul her up against the lockers, and kiss her with the sheer delight of a man come home. By the time school was out, she was so tightly wound, she couldn't take Phoebe's furtive glances. "What were you going to say?"

  Phoebe turned back and studied her for a few moments. Then her eyes were drawn past Renata and out her window. "I take it you haven't seen Brad yet."

  Renata spun around and looked. Brad was crossing the parking lot, making his way casually between cars, his arm around two of his classmates. Both females. They were laughing and carrying on like old friends and Renata's heart lurched. Where had he been all day? Why didn't he look for her? Why didn't he find her? Didn't he know she'd be waiting for him? Why didn't he tell her he was back?

  At that moment, his eyes met hers, and the smile fell away from his face. Then he tipped his head as though to peer past her into the car, saw Phoebe, and hurried over, dragging his friends along with him.

  "Turn the car on and leave now," Phoebe ground out between clenched teeth.

  "I can't. He's coming. He's already seen us." Renata was at a loss, her hands suddenly shaking so hard she dropped the keys.

  "Don't roll down your window, Ren."

  "I have to. I can't just ignore him." She was close to tears. Phoebe snaked a bangle-draped arm across the console and snatched the keys off the floorboard, fluidly shoving the key into the ignition and turning it to start the automatic engine. The little car leapt to life just as Brad tapped on the window.

  Renata paused just for a moment, then reached for the lever, lowering the glass about halfway. "Hey Brad." Her voice sounded remarkably calm.

  "Renata. Man, it's good to see you. You guys know each other, right?" At least he didn't have his arms around Molly and Jenna anymore. The two girls were also seniors this year, and although Renata knew who they were, she was fairly certain they had no clue who she was.

  "Hey, Phoebe," Molly leaned over and wiggled her fingers at Phoebe almost in Renata's face. "Are you two related?"

  "Hey, Molly." Phoebe leaned forward a little and smiled brightly at the girl. "Hi, Jenna. Yes, this is my sister, Renata." Jenna blinked owlishly at Phoebe, then turned the same stare on Renata.

  "Wow. She's as pretty as you are, Phoebe. Hi. I'm Jenna." The tall girl stuck out a soft, limp hand through the window, forcing Renata to roll it down the rest of the way. "Your sister's a jewel, isn't she? It's good to meet you."

  Renata shook her hand, overwhelmed by the information being revealed to her in such a strange way, and looked at Brad to see him studying Phoebe. Oh, how she wished she could roll the window back up and drive away. This was not how she imagined her reunion with him.

  "Hey Phoebe. Good to see you, too." Brad winked at her, and Renata wanted to scream. She kept the smile plastered on her face. Then Brad reached out and brushed her cheek with the back of his hand. "I'm glad I caught you two before you left. I'll call you tonight, Renata, okay?"

  "Um, okay. I'll see you later then." She nodded at him, then at Jenna, who wasn't even paying attention to the conversation any longer. Then she looked at Molly. She was pretty, petite, with bouncy, brown hair and big blue eyes, and she was frantically mouthing something at Phoebe. When she saw Renata watching her, she stopped and smiled brightly.

  "Good to meet you, Renata. I'll look for you in the halls. It's going to be a great year, isn't it?" As odd as it seemed, the girl sounded genuine, so she nodded.

  "Sounds great." Brad patted both hands on the top of the car and stepped back, colliding with Jenna who had her back to him and was watching another group of students across the way. Brad spun around and caught her when she squealed, laughing and pulling her back to his side. She draped an arm over his shoulder and started to drag him away. Untangling himself, but still chuckling, he turned back to blow a kiss at Renata. She winced, and Molly leaned close.

  "Don't mind Jenna. She's a flirt, but she's not girlfriend material, if you know what I mean. Too many free samples."

  "Ew," Phoebe frowned.

  "Yeah. Ew. And Brad knows better. He's just happy to be home. If he said he'll call you, Renata, he will. Don't worry." Then she hurried to catch up to the other two.

  The terrible silence that followed was more than Renata could bear. She put the car in gear and drove away, desperately hoping Phoebe wouldn't feel compelled to explain how she knew those two girls. Or Brad.

  Brad did call. He talked sweetly to her, making her forget all her reservations. Within a week, they were officially dating.

  He started coming by the house, hanging out after school, sometimes even staying for dinner. He often sat too close to her on the sofa, and just grinned cockily when she whispered to him to scoot over a bit. Sometimes at the dinner table, his hand would slip under the table and begin a slow glide up her thigh until she was certain her blushing cheeks would catch on fire.

  When she walked him to his car at the end of the day, he'd boldly draw her up against him, in plain view of anyone who might be watching. She'd plant her palms on his che
st and push as he pulled, his sweet words and sweeter smiles turning her into putty in his hands.

  His hands. She loved his hands, but he used them like battering rams against her defenses. She'd tell him no, he'd sweep the word away with his fingers in her hair. "I love it when you wear it down like this, loose and wild around your face." He'd smooth away her resistance with his palms as he cupped her neck, her cheeks, drawing her face to his for more delicious kisses. He'd block her hesitation with his arms as he drew her closer, whispering to her promises of what he could awaken in her if only she'd say yes.

  And every once in a while, she'd catch him looking at Phoebe with something in his eyes that made her seriously consider it.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  There was something about Phoebe that drew people's attention, and Brad was not immune. He teased her incessantly, often to an extreme that frustrated and annoyed Renata. The more attention he plied Phoebe with, even if it was sarcastic jabs and inappropriate innuendos, the less he focused on Renata. Sometimes she wondered if he would even notice if she got up and left the room.

  It wasn't like Phoebe blatantly went after him. In fact, she usually rolled her eyes when she saw him. But when he teased her, Phoebe gave back as good as she got, always ready with a saucy little comeback or a well-timed double-entendre that would leave him grinning and shaking his head at her. No, back then Renata would not have called it seduction. But back then, Renata was blissfully unaware of the fine art of flirtation and the game called Playing Hard To Get.

  October arrived, and Renata bought her first homecoming dress with a fitted bodice in emerald satin and a flouncy full skirt that swished around her thighs when she walked. On the arm of Brad Haley, she felt like a queen.

  The Starry Night theme transformed the auditorium into a magical world. Blue and white tulle strung with a million white lights draped the rafters, and yellow paper lantern orbs floated over their heads on transparent fish line. Even the backdrop of the stage was a monstrous reproduction of Van Gogh's famous painting. The band was a group from their own school, but they were surprisingly talented, playing a good balance of upbeat party songs and slower, couples-friendly dance music. The refreshments were delicious, the bathrooms were kept fairly clean by some unseen attendant, and she loved hearing Brad introduce her again and again as his girlfriend. He seemed to know everyone.

  When it was time to leave, instead of taking her home, he drove them to a friend's house where he wedged his car into a spot among several others. "Where are we?"

  "My friend is having a Homecoming party of his own. I want to show you off." He grabbed her hand and pulled her toward him across the console between them. He kissed her, hard, then softer, then both his hands were on her face, holding her there while he devoured her lips. "Don't say no, Renata. Not tonight. Let's celebrate."

  In the after-glow of the perfect evening spent in the perfect dress with the perfect guy, Renata could only whisper a bright-eyed 'yes.' Until a few drinks later, and Brad wanted more than a yes. When she tearfully insisted he take her home, his grin was no longer sweet, but mocking, and a little angry.

  "You know, last year, I was cool to hang out with you. I kinda thought you were cute with your big eyes watching every move I made." He reached out and slid his arm around her just like he'd done that first day they'd collided in the halls, and thrust her up against the wall again. "When I left for Washington, I was sure I'd come back to find you making eyes at some other guy. So when you got all upset at me that first day back to school, I realized I might just have a good thing here. But all you ever say is 'no,' little girl. No, you can't. No, I won't. No, let's not. No, no, no." He chuckled, not a nice sound, leaning so far to the right that he almost lost his balance. "I'm tired of your games. I'm tired of you always saying 'no.' I want you to tell me 'yes.'" He tried to kiss her and she ducked her head, mortified and actually frightened. These were his friends, not hers, and she didn't know what would happen if he really wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer.

  "Take me home, Brad. I just want to go home."

  "Nah, I'm not ready to go yet." He nuzzled her neck, his breath hot and moist on her skin.

  "Stop it, Brad!" Renata pushed against him and he stumbled a little, then narrowed his eyes at her.

  "Fine. Do you think Phoebe's here yet?"

  "Phoebe?" Renata was completely taken aback by the question. "What do you mean?"

  "Your sister, Phoebe. You remember her, right? Have you seen her yet?" He spoke slowly, but she couldn't tell if it was because he was drunk or because he thought she was stupid. He spread his arms wide to indicate the crowded room behind him. "Obviously, I have the wrong sister on my arm tonight. I should have brought Phoebe. Now there's a girl who says 'yes' a little more often than you do."

  She took advantage of the sudden freedom and pushed him away from her. Turning to make her way toward the front of the house, she heard him holler at her over the din of sound, "Run on home to mommy, little girl!"

  Renata called Juliette from a pay-phone at a gas station a block away, thankful she hadn't left her purse in Brad's car like he'd suggested. The walk wasn't too scary since people were coming and going on the street, most of them heading to and from the party she'd left.

  Phoebe. Was she really at that party? And just how well did Brad know her little sister?

  When Juliette pulled up at the curb, a worried frown on her face, Renata knew the night was going to get worse before it got better.

  ~ ~ ~

  Now here they sat, the open wounds of their memories raw between them, and no one said a word. Finally, Phoebe righted her chair and began to gather her things. When Juliette didn't stop her, when she didn't jump in to play peace-maker, Renata knew she was asking her to step up. But as adamant as Phoebe was about not being like her, Renata was just as adamant about not giving Phoebe an ounce of grace.

  Gia, her eyes still bright with unshed tears, finally spoke. "No one has asked me what I think about this whole situation, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I don't know Angela like you three did, and I have to admit, keeping her a faceless entity seems like a good plan to me, but that's only because I'm chicken." She tugged nervously on a section of her hair. "I can't even imagine being in her shoes. When I think about being in prison at my age, I feel like I can't breathe. It must be terrible. Are we responsible for her circumstances? No. But can we help? I don't know. I'd like to think so."

  She stood up and Renata stared at the black buttons on the girl's brown plaid western-style shirt.

  "I don't know Maman and Papa the way you three did, but I do know enough about them to know that they wouldn't be happy with this. I love you. All of you. But sometimes I get tired of watching you punch each other in the head. I don't think I can remember a single time you two have been together when you didn't snip and snap at each other."

  Renata raised her eyes to her little sister's face and saw her flushed cheeks and the determined tightness of her mouth. She didn't like looking up at her; it made her feel inferior. "Sit down, Georgia."

  "Excuse me? Did I hear a 'please' in that command? Or did you just order her to sit down, like she was one of your children?" Phoebe's voice was tight, angry, as she leaned across the table in Renata's direction. "Gia—that's her name, by the way—is not your child. I am not your child. Jules is not your child. We're sisters, Renata. Equal footing. You don't like it, you can just leave."

  "All right." Now Renata pushed up from the table, and without further ado, she scooped up her purse and turned to leave.

  No one stopped her. No one called her name. She made it to the front door before she glanced behind her through Juliette's living room and into the kitchen where she could see the three of them around the table, Juliette still sitting, head down, Phoebe and Georgia still standing, both staring at the top of Juliette's head.

  No one cared when she pulled open the door and slipped out into the cold January night.

  CHAPTER SIXTEE
N

  The confrontation was like hot pokers stabbing into those places she tried to avoid. She didn't want to think about that night almost fifteen years ago. She didn't want to replay, yet again, the terrible words she and Phoebe had screamed at each other, Juliette's huge eyes in her pale face as she watched them from the easy chair in the corner of the living room, the raised voice of Grandpa when he'd had enough. Granny G sat on the sofa in silence, watching the cords splitting and snapping between the two sisters, as Phoebe stood just inside the front door in her wild get-up, trembling with rage and defiance, while Renata, home for nearly two hours and primed with a different kind of rage, attacked her with scathing accusations and judgment.

  "You think you're so wonderful, don't you? You think your looks and your perfect little body are going to get you anywhere in the real world? You're a slut, Phoebe Gustafson, a smear on the good name of this family. You're trash. Your looks and your body and the way you barely keep it covered are going to get you somewhere, I can assure you. On your back, that's where!"

  "Enough! How dare you talk to your sister that way, Renata!" Grandpa stormed into the room, his hair sticking up all over his head.

  "How dare she seduce my boyfriend right under my nose!" She turned her angry voice on him. "How can you let her out of the house looking like that? Don't you know what kind of a person she is? Don't you care what she's doing to this family?"

  Grandpa reached for her, and Renata flinched, certain he was going to strike her for her belligerence, but he only took her in his arms, hugging her closely, unreservedly for the first time that she could remember. Suddenly, she burst into tears, sobbing against his bony chest, the pain of betrayal and abandonment rising up in her like a wounded animal. How could Phoebe have been so cruel? Why did Brad have to be so shallow? Why did Maman and Papa have to leave them to face the future without them?

  And now, fifteen years later, Renata pulled over on the side of the road and wept like she hadn't done since that night, her body heaving, her tears of anger and resentment clawing their way up and out of her. How dare her sisters dismiss her? How dare they shoo her off like she was an irritating insect? And why didn't Juliette stop her? Why didn't Georgia, her sweet, precious Georgia, come running after her, beg her to stay? And why on earth had Phoebe attacked her so cruelly in the first place?