Office Wars: Bathroom Politics

by James Patton

  The beast thing roared as it tried to swing its rear appendage but found it could not move. The two soldiers ran back as Youngblood’s triad struck at its knee, which cracked with relative ease, causing it to topple.

  As the beast went down, it managed to swipe at a severed server stack which struck a soldier off to the side, and both went crashing through a nearby wall. Mark had no idea if the person survived, but he doubted it.

  Another spike team came up as the beast fell and struck through its neck, but Mark suspected they aimed for the head and missed. It thrashed about with the arm and blade, keeping others at bay. The arms under its body shrunk away as the two with leverage elongated. Realizing its dilemma, it detached the tail like a lizard which gave it back some mobility, but it could not separate its head.

  “Charges.” Youngblood roared, completely in his element. Those nanite poles they used grew three prongs, and they were quickly attaching grenade like devices to the end of it. One team distracted the creature, and the other struck. Each attack resulted in an explosion seconds later, which tore away flesh and parts of its skeletal structure.

  Its attacks were slowing, and while it was distracted Laura finally managed to drive a spike through its skull, pinning it in place. Youngblood followed it up by smashing the thing’s head in, then struck it again, and again.

  Finally, it stopped moving and fell away into dust. Other than the section of the brain it needed to remain alive, there was almost no flesh left.

  “Arrgh!” Youngblood roared, still enraged with battle lust.

  “Thank god you are here,” Vicky said stumbling out of the office she was hiding in. Youngblood nearly took her head off, but she did not notice. “I need help, it's Conor Ward, he is dying. One of those things struck him in the head, and he has not been responding to me.”

  “Laura, take Pips and check that out,” Youngblood said, and Mark moved to follow them.

  “Stay, sir.” The guard on his right said.

  “No. Tell Youngblood to meet me over there; it's related to my primary objective.” Mark did not move, but the guard indicated he should follow and they made it into the office.

  “What the fuck did you do?” Mark started in on her.

  “It was Conor. He managed to get me a message before things got out of hand, and I came to get him out. Those things attacked and we ended up getting caught in the lockdown procedures. An hour later one of those- those things struck him across the head. They weren’t metal then, so I managed to kill it.” She pointed over in the corner. “I have been hiding ever since.”

  “Youngblood, secure her. If she gives you any trouble, put her in the NPC program.”

  “Yes, sir,” Youngblood said, indicating Laura should restrain her. Pips slapped a wrist band on Conor Ward, and his vitals displayed as a holo projection. The man’s heart was failing, and the device stimulated the heart enough to keep the beat regular. Then Mark saw the trauma in the brain and whistled.

  “Wait, what about my husband? What is going to happen to him?” Vicky Ward pleaded with Mark.

  “Your husband is dead. See?” Mark pointed at the 3D imaging of the brain. “Unless you have figured out how to wake up comatose victims, I only see you and Patient 022.”

  Chapter 1

  The Mythical Salary

  The maelstrom inside of my head left me dizzy and struggling to focus. Every time I opened up my eyes I could not concentrate on the world around me. My eyes saw the raw data of the world and the details were flawed. Data flowed through me like a river, and like a man in a swift river, I struggled to stay afloat.

  It was too much for my mind to handle, but it felt amazing. Intoxicating. My breathing was slowing down, which I knew was dangerous but I could not prevent it.

  “Bran! Fucking focus on me you stupid son of a bitch!” I felt Finn slap me across the face, but that too only registered as data and did not actually hurt. Data is fascinating, it did not come to me as numbers or code, but as colors.

  Finn appeared inside my thoughts, it felt like we were both occupying a single point of reference. If I existed as data, then the core of who I am is a singular ID. That ID felt split with Finn there, and we were causing quite a ruckus in the flow of data. We were disrupting the natural order, and I also felt the danger in that.

  Bran, you are in control. You have to turn down the slider on your User Interface, look at the bottom right of your vision and concentrate on moving that slider down! Finn mentally shouted at me.

  No reason to yell man. I told him. I started to recognize something profound about our bond, and then the revelation faded.

  That is Odd. I thought.

  The slider gauge was now at the bottom of the spectrum, in a section that was dark green. My god-like focus disappeared and with it the threads I was weaving together. The knowledge was important, I knew that, but not so much that I wanted that god-like awareness back. It was addictive, and I knew if I held it any longer the Pod would have kicked me out.

  “Holy shit! What the hell was that?” I asked.

  “Not here,” Finn said, and I felt the world shift as we teleported to my virtual private room. My stomach heaved, but I recovered before I lost it. Between whatever just happened and that teleport I stumbled to the bed and laid down closing my eyes. The bed shifted, and I felt a something warm touch my face.

  "Hey fancy meeting you here stranger. Are you ready for the cowboy-?" Contra’s question was interrupted by Finn’s cough, but not before I heard her southern twang.

  I opened my eyes, curious about what was going on but she was already changed back into a hovering… quad-copter-face? She had metallic blue eyes which sparked with electricity, and smooth facial plates made of metal. Her lips were made of a rubber-like substance and looked very soft. There was no doubt the Artifact was a woman and a very striking one.

  "Oh come on man, how the hell are you having sex with a vehicle?" I asked standing up. I immediately regretted trying to figure it out, but only because I was trying to deny my own attraction towards her.

  "It is a great story," Contra said smiling sweetly at me. Even though she did not have human flesh, her exotic face held my rapt attention. She winked at me and pouted, "And I am lonely."

  “Woah,” I whispered, trying to catch my breath.

  “Sorry about that,” Finn said, but his eyes were saying something else entirely. “We share emotions remember? That one is all me.”

  I tried to calm my breathing, but her flirtations left my heart pounding. Finn could be the cause of it, but I was not so sure he was the only one that felt the intense attraction.

  "Bran, you should know I enabled an upgrade,” Finn said, but his eyes had not left Contra. “Part of the contingencies we do not discuss. That slider, which we call Focus, will allow your brain to respond much faster, by extension your body will also move and respond faster. Use it sparingly as it is mostly untested, and as you saw if you go too high you will react to everything and do nothing. Including forgetting how to breathe."

  "How is that even possible?" I asked.

  "He just told you. It's part of the 'we do not talk about it' category." Contra said flippantly. “Men! Am I right?”

  “What did you do to her?” I asked Finn. She was just like a real woman, doing the hot and cold thing to mess with a man’s head. I hated to admit the effectiveness of it, but there it was.

  “I may have promised marriage, but I was drinking, and I was just trying to bed her,” Finn said.

  Contra’s face grew a neck, and then a body unfurled underneath it as the copter part of her face disappeared. In a matter of seconds, she was an eight-foot mechanized biped.

  Her three-pronged foot, like that of a bird, slammed down onto Finn who currently adopted a human form. He struggled briefly under her giant metal foot and then just smiled as he looked at me.

  She too turned to me grinning and still had that face that I now permanently associated with her. Her current body shape was all angles and held little fe
minine structure.

  “I mean we are engaged.” Finn managed to mutter from his grotesquely distorted jaw.

  I rolled my eyes at the two of them.

  “Anyway. So, I got an upgrade, but we do not discuss it? You are killing me, man.”

  “Bran, I love you, but it's just that simple. You can speed yourself up or slow yourself down, and it impacts your physical and mental speed. Oh, you might be able to do it outside your Pod.”

  “Oh c’mon, what the hell!?” I shouted.

  “Bran, you are so banned from our Fight Club. You do not understand the whole ‘we do not talk about Fight Club’ thing do you?” Contra said snapping her metal claw arm at me.

  Finn was behind her shoulder now and mouthed to me. We are not engaged, she is fucking crazy. But hot damn she is amazing.

  "Fine, Ms. Attitude,” I said smiling at Finn and despite their… whatever it was, this was the closest thing to a family I had. “How about we change your name?" I asked her, changing the subject. My mind was still trying to process what the Focus ability allowed me to do. I sure as hell was not going to use it in Office Wars.

  "Yes, please. Finn, take notes, this is how a gentleman acts." Contra snapped at him, but her beautiful blue eyes never left mine.

  Finn’s mouth fell to the floor, and I found myself laughing.

  "What do you want to be called?" I asked her.

  "How about Marcy?" She said, and while her face did not change she grew fangs. Out of the top of her smooth metal head grew long dark hair, but on closer inspection, each strand was a braided wire with a black rubber coating. Unable to stop myself I stroked her hair, and found it soft and flowing.

  “You like?” She asked in a peppy voice that was close to the southern twang she used.

  "I do. So Marcy?” I said clearing my throat. “As in short for Marceline? Did you put her up to that?" I turned and asked Finn.

  "Why are you blaming me?” Finn laughed and then relented. “Alright, fine. I may have hinted that you have a theme for naming things."

  "I have been binge watching Adventure Time, and Marceline kicks ass," Contra said. “I want a battle ax like hers too, one that I can also play music on.”

  Told you! Finn mouthed to me from behind her back.

  “And I can use it to fuck up Finn when he talks behind my back.” She said, and her head rotated 180 degrees to look at Finn, whose eyes widened in mock fear.

  "Fine, your choice. I like it," I told her and grinned evilly at Finn. “And I am definitely going to find an Artifact Battle Ax for you.”

  I opened the menu on Contra and found the rename feature.

  You can only change an artifact's name one time. Are you sure you wish to change it to Marcy?

  "Yes."

  "Oh thank goodness," Marcy said.

  “Alright, goofing off aside, did you two find me any more information on Office Wars?” I asked them.

  “Short answer is no. Marcy has been spying on corporations, and even she came up empty. All I found was a footnote about a woman named Cynthia that is the architect of Office Wars. However, she died trying to stop the killings, and the two corporations that killed her are gone. I mean gone-gone, as in none of the people exist anymore. Mark L. Odit wiped them the fuck out.” Finn said.

  “I did find out that Cynthia is the mastermind behind Office Wars, she was a sociology prodigy. She knew the wars would continue so developed a system to sate human nature.” Marcy filled in.

  “Cynthia was one of the founders, and she was in charge of the Artificial Intelligence molding and behavior. She raised us all like her children.” Finn said. “Odditek has been in a funk since her death.”

  Marcy looked at Finn, and they both hesitated.

  “Tell me,” I told them.

  “Cynthia had a daughter. Victoria.” Finn said, but it looked like he wanted to say more.

  “Vicky?” I asked.

  “Maybe,” Marcy said.

  “Ignoring that for the moment, how does this help me in the game?” I settled my mind and would ask her later.

  “Bran, we checked everywhere. The best we can do is try to protect you. I have your back, just relax and play. We will do the rest.” Finn said putting his hand on my shoulder. “I got you, brother.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “But back up a second. Marcy can enter corporate buildings?”

  “You owe me,” Marcy said, slugging Finn on the shoulder. “Told you he would catch it. But to answer your question, corporations consider me a typical Artifact. It does not register me as an assistant so I can pass through.”

  “Hell, you could bring her with you to work, just do not get caught because I am not sure what would happen,” Finn told me.

  “That is awesome,” I told them, but in the middle of nodding, Finn grimaced.

  “Thim Rahn is calling you,” Finn said.

  I sighed. “Put him through.”

  “My office. Now.”

  “Still a charmer I see,” I muttered to Finn’s amusement.

  “Hop on Marcy, just do not interfere, no matter what I do.”

  “Worst advice ever,” Finn said laughing at me. Marcy transformed into a spider and crawled up my sleeve until she I could not see her and then wrapped her legs around my bicep like an arm guard.

  “Spiders count as vehicles?”

  “I condensed my size, but normally I would be large enough for you to ride,” Marcy said. “I tried out a bat, but Finn complained saying it made him sick to fly around like that.”

  “Ok Finn, send me to work,” I told him.

  “Oh. Hmm, you might want to be careful.” Finn said.

  “Do I want to know why?”

  “I already told you. You might have slept with the boss’ daughter.” Finn said laughing.

  Loading, please wait…

  Bran, welcome back to Varil.

  “Was he screwing with me?” I asked Marcy instead, and I was ready to log right back out.

  “I have no idea. But you are being watched, might not be a good idea to talk to me.” Marcy said. “If it helps, I hope he did, because this is going to be so much fun.”

  “Crazy ass AI,” I muttered and felt a jolt of electricity shoot up my arm. “Oww what the hell?” Marcy said nothing, but I imagined she had a smug look on her beautiful face.

  I made it to the elevator and sat there a second, but the top floor button lit up, and I was soaring upward. I stumbled out of the elevator and froze after I looked up. Sitting in a chair off to the side was a young woman that was most likely Thim’s daughter, and she was smirking at me.

  She casually got up and came over and sat in the chair next to me. “Hello, Onion.”

  “Should we be talking in front of her?” I asked nervously.

  “Bran, meet my daughter Kim. You forced my hand, and she is now one of the partners. A very junior partner.”

  “We will see after these Wars if that remains true.” She said from beside me, which unnerved me.

  “Why a fucking Mailroom Clerk?” Thim said out of character, at least for him. “I swear you picked a class so far outside of what I told you to pick just to be a dick.”

  “Maybe I did, asshole.” I snapped back.

  “Do not mess around, answer the fucking question.”

  “Fine. Do you play any games? Better yet, have you ever tried to play a female character in anything?” I smiled seeing his expression. “Then you know how hard it is to use something outside your comfort zone.”

  “Suits win this game.” Thim reiterated.

  “No. Contenders win this game, those people that won, most likely did so because they were in sync with their choices. If you watched any of my gameplay, you would know I am right.”

  “You will not survive to the halfway point,” Thim told me firmly.

  “Want to bet on that?” I asked looking at his daughter and smiling. Finn’s comment was still screwing with my head, and that bastard would pay for it later.

  In her way, Kim was pretty, bu
t all avatars were. The difference is she did not do the typical supermodel look. She had imperfections, a nose that was a bit too small for her face, eyes slightly too close together, auburn hair and a scattering of freckles. In other words, she was somewhat unique, and I had to wonder if this is what she looked like outside of Neuroma.

  They were both looking at me now, and I suddenly felt like prey.

  “What do you have to offer?” Thim asked settling back in his seat.

  “I wage all my earnings from this game.” It was a weak opening, and we all knew it.

  “What do you want from us in return?” Kim asked curiously.

  “A salary,” I said trying not to laugh because salaries were as mythical as the elves that lived on our shelves.

  You gained +1 to Negotiation. Your Negotiation skill is now 2.

  Thim grunted in disgust, and Kim’s face twisted like she ate something distasteful. A salary is nearly impossible to acquire, but it guaranteed work. Even if I was killed, I still got paid, so it was a free ride. I only asked for it to be an asshole.

  Pretty sure they went into a private conversation because their mouth’s pixelated and they were blatantly discussing it.

  Shit, that certainly backfired! Marcy, the salary thing was a joke, how much should I ask for? I hoped she could hear me.

  I did some quick math. My apartment included all utilities, and that was roughly a thousand credits a month. Sustenance was five credits a meal, so ninety meals a month give or take a few, so another five hundred credits. Twenty-four thousand credits annually would cover all my expenses with some to spare.

  “We will agree to the- salary.” Thim choked the last word out. “Our conditions for this wager are as follows. To gain the salary, you must make it to the final 25%, but we wager five years of Corporate Serfdom if you fail to reach the halfway mark. Everything in the middle we all walk away clean, it’s a draw.”

  Double shit! That was a bold turnaround, but the question is- am I confident enough in my skill to make it to the halfway point? I am confident, but this is another level of confidence that scared me. Five years could put me in a severe financial hole, enough that I would not escape Serfdom in that amount of time, if ever. Finn would know what to do.