Office Wars: Bathroom Politics

by James Patton

  Pack of #2 Pencils

  10 Pencils in a pack.

  An implement for writing. You know what? If you do not know what a pencil is, then you fucking suck.

  Word of Advice: Really? I mean really? I quit.

  What the hell? I chuckled, but that was not Jake writing those. At least I was like 90% sure it was not Jake.

  “What?” Alexa asked, and I showed it to her. She did not laugh but looked at me confused.

  “The advice section,” I told her and looked at it again.

  “There is no advice section.”

  “What?” I said taking them back and inspected it again.

  Pack of #2 Pencils

  10 Pencils in a pack.

  An implement for writing.

  Quality: Junk

  Sell Value: 5 Poker Chips

  “Bullshit,” I said. “I am not crazy.”

  She just handed me the pencils back and raised an eyebrow at me. Then she turned around and went back to exploring. I put them into my inventory anyway. I have no idea why they changed, but that was not right.

  Alexa spotted something and moved down a few rows from me. Curious, I followed her, and Zingo joined us. She stopped in front of an old metal and wood desk, and there was a skeleton. It sat on a five-gallon bucket and leaned against the desk.

  “What is that?” I asked.

  “A skeleton,” She said, and Zingo laughed.

  I sighed, everyone was a comedian, but I reaped what I sowed. I found myself frowning at the skeleton. It was not that it posed a threat, but there was something off about it.

  A name tag! I thought excitedly. This was a player.

  “Rapscallion…” I read the name. “What the hell is a player doing here?”

  Alexa took a pin off of its shirt, and after inspecting it, hand it over to me. On the front of it said ‘You know, sweetie, my lips won’t just kiss themselves…’ I found myself groaning just reading it.

  You have acquired a Piece of Flair. 5th of 37.

  “Any ideas?” I asked Zingo. “Also this thing is called a Piece of Flair, there are thirty-seven of them and numbered.”

  Alexa let out a sharp sound, and I looked up from the flair.

  The skeleton sat up into an upright position, and then it turned to look at Alexa. Its head turned slightly and it… leered at her? I was so confused about what was going on. Then out of nowhere, it had a flower in its hand. It reminded me of one of those cheap street magician tricks. Then it held the flower out towards Alexa.

  “Hey there Sugarlips.” It said in a voice that was deep and sensual.

  “Take the flower,” I whispered to her, and she quickly snagged it. The skeleton dropped back and went inert.

  “What the hell was that?” Zingo asked.

  “Courting,” I said, and Alexa punched me. “Hey, this flair seems to be important.”

  “Nice try. There is something else in its pocket,” Alexa said and pointed towards the front pocket of the skeleton’s button down shirt.

  “Loot up,” I told her.

  “Hell no.” She said and backed away causing us to laugh.

  Stepping forward I reached into its pocket, but if I am honest, I was scared shitless. I pulled out a key card, but it had nothing written on it. The key card was a plain white card with a magnetic strip on one side and a bar code on the other. This was not like the one I saw in the store yesterday. There was not even an inspect menu for the item, which was even more strange.

  You have acquired a Key Card.

  “I think this is left over from a previous Office Wars. What do you make of it?” I asked Zingo, hoping his ability would help shed some light on what was going on.

  “That makes more sense than anything I have come up with. There was a card reader on the door into this area. The Key Cards probably open up a passage or instanced area, and could explain why we have not seen anyone.”

  “Why is the corpse still here?” I asked.

  “Loot. You did not find everything. But…” Alexa looked nervous.

  “What?” Zingo and I said at the same time.

  “A corpse can only exist if the player is still in this Nerve.” She said.

  “Holy shit,” Zingo whispered, and I felt a chill go down my spine.

  “Do the losers get to leave?” I asked the question on all of our minds.

  Stop. Drop that line of thought because it will draw the wrong kind of attention to you. For your peace of mind, you are a normal contender, and you will get to leave. Jake said.

  Because I am not a CEO? I asked, catching on to what Jake was saying.

  Yes. However, Odditek has kept some players over the years. They were people that tried to break the main rules, so nothing to worry about. You will know when you cross an old contender. Jake said.

  How many people are watching me?

  A lot. You are something of a freak show.

  Gee thanks.

  Sort of a good thing. Hey, I have to go. Be sure to finish looting that corpse so I can shut this area down when you leave. It shouldn’t be up. Stay safe.

  You too bud. I told Jake.

  I rifled through the clothes of the corpse and found a jar with a viscous liquid inside.

  Jar of Acid

  Useable by the Chemist

  The liquid inside can eat through most material, handle it carefully.

  Damage: Unknown – You are not a Chemist

  Special: Unknown – You are not a Chemist

  Durability: Fragile

  Word of Advice: Get this into the hands of a chemist, and there may be a reward.

  On a whim, I also took the skeleton’s clothes and threw them into my inventory. Our inventory did not seem to have a limit, so I figured it could not hurt. The other two looked at me strangely, but I just shrugged at them.

  “Either of you want the Jar of Acid?” I asked.

  “I am going to pass, that crap is dangerous,” Zingo said, and Alexa shook her head no.

  “And the other thing?” Alexa asked.

  I just shook my head, and I shifted my eyes upward a few times indicating those watching. I had no idea if they caught my drift, but it was not brought up again.

  “We should probably get to it. We have a laptop to steal for you.” I told her.

  “I cannot imagine the man in the vent is going to be happy with that choice,” Zingo said. “Anyway, let's go check this conference room out.”

  The projector was right where Vent-Guy said it would be. However, I had to climb up onto a platform to get at it, but after removing the projector, I could see down into the conference room without issue. There at the head of the conference table was a woman in a pantsuit. At first, I thought she might be a Suit, but that seemed wrong for what I was looking at.

  “What is she?” I whispered, not wanting to alert the drones we were in here.

  Alexa and Zingo climbed up next to me and took turns looking.

  “Not a Suit,” Alexa said, almost reading my thoughts.

  “Shit,” I said, pointing to the ceiling in the conference room. A hand was sticking out of it with all five fingers spread out, and while I watched it went to four, then three. “Get ready, our distraction is coming.”

  Hopping down from the platform, I ran over to the door. Zingo joined me, but unspoken agreement Alexa remained up top to be our lookout. She was staring intently into the room and holding up her hand to indicate the count. As the last one went down, I grabbed the door handle.

  We all heard the loud crash in the hallway, and the Drones stampeding out of the room was loud enough that we could hear it through the door. As the sound died away, we looked to Alexa to give the all clear. Her face did not give me confidence.

  “The lady is not moving from her seat.”

  “We might not have to fight her,” Zingo said. “Secure the door to prevent the other ones from coming back. Then we deal with her if necessary.”

  “Sounds like a plan, are we still clear?” I turned to Alexa, and she nodded
. “Watch my back and warn me if anything is coming.”

  Zingo nodded, and he opened the door slightly to let me through. I crept forward, thankful for the weird shag carpet. I moved to one of the chairs, but it was a rolling one, and I was not sure I could wedge it under the door handle. Short of moving the desk or conference table to block it.

  Light Step +1. Light Step is now 3.

  Your footfalls make 2% less sound.

  “Psst,” Zingo whispered just loud enough for me to hear. I looked at him, and he twisted his fingers. My hands involuntarily covered my nipples, but that caused Zingo’s jaw to drop. He shook his head at me and then pointed at the door twisted his fingers again.

  Son of a bitch! I cursed internally. I mean why wouldn’t there be a lock on the door?

  I sighed, and walked to the door and twisted the lock. I tested the handle, and it did not budge. That solved one problem.

  You received Saint points.

  I thought I turned off those notifications. It did not matter, but I was curious if I was close to a threshold on those.

  The laptop was still attached to a docking station on the desk below where the projector had been sticking out. I looked over at the lady, but she was still engrossed in whatever document she was writing in.

  As quietly as I could, I hit the release, and there was a faint pop as the laptop was freed. I looked over my shoulder, and the Pantsuit still had not looked up.

  Nausea came over me. If I touched that laptop, she was coming for me, and I seriously doubted I could hide. She is a boss fight.

  Perception +1. Your perception is now 29.

  I looked into the projection hole and saw Alexa staring at me. She knew it too.

  Get the others. I mouthed, and she nodded and disappeared from the projector hole.

  Before my thoughts could make me second guess my actions, I grabbed the laptop and headed for the door. The moment my hands touched it, I sensed the Pantsuit standing up. I also heard the lady speaking gibberish.

  “What the fuck is she doing?” I asked Zingo, not liking what was happening.

  She stopped chanting, and a message popped up.

  You were struck with a Deadline. All actions are faster but use twice as much energy.

  Shit. That was bad if I tried to sprint I was not sure I could make it to the door without collapsing to the ground.

  She started speaking in her gibberish again, and I grabbed the wireless mouse from the desk and threw it at her. She swatted it aside. It did not stop her from that talking thing she was doing.

  I grabbed the wireless keyboard and threw that at her too. The keyboard went end over end and was heading right for her face, but she caught it. I thought for sure she was going to throw it back, but instead, she threw it off to the side. She must have some kind of inhuman strength because it shattered the glass wall and lodged halfway into a cubicle wall beyond.

  No drones came pouring in from that side. The pantsuit-lady could have easily thrown it through the other wall, and then we would have all been in trouble. I started walking towards Zingo, keeping my pace steady enough that I did not fall from exhaustion. I was about ten feet from escaping when she stopped speaking, and this time I cried out in pain.

  You were stunned by a Gantt Chart and lost 2% health.

  I swayed on my feet.

  “What the fuck is a Gantt Chart?” I asked because I could do nothing until the stun wore off. Zingo was laughing though, the bastard obviously knew what a Gantt Chart was. I inspected the lady because she was doing her talking thing again.

  Project Manager

  The devil of the office, and not someone you want to anger. A project manager knows all the ways to make you the perfect Office Drone, and every time she opens her mouth a little part of you dies inside. Do not piss him or her off.

  Special Attack: Deadline, Gantt Chart

  Special Skill: Risk Assessment

  Health: 235

  Word of Advice: Do not garner his or her attention, no one wants to get spotted by a Project Manager.

  “She’s a Project Manager, what do they do?” I shouted to Zingo. I took a second to check my combat log to see what the hell was attacking me.

  “They are crowd control. Not a lot of damage, but annoying as shit to fight. They can tie us up with bullshit until the drones return.”

  “Like Deadlines and Gantt Charts?” I asked, and he grinned.

  Risk Assessment has successfully been used, and it has determined that Onion poses the highest risk.

  “Uhh, what the hell does that mean?” I said as I was released from the stun and started moving back towards the door.

  “You might want to run. Fast.” Zingo shouted from the door, but stupid me had to look back over my shoulder. The Project Manager took a drink of coffee, and she started shaking. She looked up at me, and her eyes turned red.

  “Oh fuck me!” I sprinted, not worrying about the loss of energy. I remembered my thermos, and when my energy started dropping, I took a quick drink. As soon as I was through the door, Zingo shut it behind me.

  The door rattled as she barreled into it.

  “We are going to have to fight her,” I told Zingo. The Deadline effect wore off, and I returned to normal.

  The door splintered under the attacks, and Zingo and I looked at each with grim looks on our face. “How do we handle this?” I asked him, hoping he had a plan.

  “We bring her in here. The other door will not hold the drones off forever. In here we can at least try to fight her on our terms. Her crowd control is going to hit all of us. Put the laptop in your bag, so we don’t break it.” Zingo said.

  “Ok let's move into the aisles of shelves then, this door only has a few more hits left,” I said, and after the next hit, we both hauled ass.

  The door came off the hinges on the next kick and flew through the air bouncing off the closest shelf. A few seconds later the Project Manager came through the door.

  Her pantsuit had ripped, exposing red lacy underwear. Her face was flush, and her hair was pulled back tightly in some kind of power hairdo that is meant to exude a sort of dominance. She did not even hesitate and came right at me.

  She hurtled down the aisle I was in so I crawled through a shelf into the next aisle and pushed the shelf over on her, but she only stumbled and slid out the other side. It did not even slow her down as she came walking towards me again. She started speaking again, and I ducked into another aisle, hoping she could not use whatever skill on me if she could not see me.

  “Won’t work,” Zingo said predicting what I was attempting. “It's an audio attack. She does not need to see you.”

  “Fuck this is going to hurt,” I said looking over at Zingo.

  He looked at me strangely as I slammed both my palms against my ears and blew out my ear drums. Zingo’s face went slack with shock.

  You lost 4% health from a self-inflicted attack.

  You are afflicted with the Deaf status effect. A healer is required to cure this status effect, it will not heal naturally.

  “Let's see her order me to do shit now,” I shouted not knowing how loud I actually was. I felt warm liquid running down my cheek and reached up to touch it. As my hand came away from my face, I saw my fingertips covered in blood.

  The Project Manager was coming after me again, but whatever skill she used did not strike me. If she was not charging at me like a bull, I might have whooped. Without having to worry about her skills I used my speed to my advantage.

  The way she moved on high heels had me baffled because that looked like it took some agility. I ducked her attack, and as she stumbled past me, trying to regain her balance, I kicked her in the ass. She toppled over and fell into another shelf, and as the shelf fell over, she went with it. I doubt it harmed her much, if at all.

  I ran. This lady wanted to fight, and I was not built to fight. I had a weapon, but I was not ready to use it yet, and the most logical thing for me to do was get the hell away from her.

  My eyes sta
yed on the Project Manager, and I was not even aware of whether the others had joined me yet or not. No time to check, because she was coming after me again. I tried to jump through the shelves again, but this time she stabbed her high heel into my calf.

  You lost 5% health from a woman’s high heel shoe.

  While the heel is in your leg, you will suffer 1% health loss every ten seconds.

  “Fuck!” I shouted but only heard my scream in my head. The heel was lodged in my calf, and the Project Manager was gripping the shelf trying to get her heel free of my leg. The pain was too much, and I barely held onto consciousness. Every time she moved I could feel pain crippling my mind.

  You lost 1% health.

  She must have fallen because I flipped over as she went down, and I thought my calf muscle was going to rip off. The heel was still lodged in my leg, and the pain overwhelmed my senses.

  You lost 5% health from trauma to your leg wound.

  I might have passed out because my vision came back slowly. Looking through the wire shelving, I had a blurry vision of Fungi standing over my body with a bloody wrench poised to strike. The Project Manager was still trying to get at me, but he held her off and then Bob pierced her from behind. His crowbar was all the way in her back and sticking out her abdomen. That backstab damage is no joke.

  She was not dead yet, and I cried out as she kicked off her heels. She struck Bob knocking him back onto the fallen shelf, but she was still staring at me with those angry red eyes. Fungi hit her again with his wrench, but she did not pay him any attention

  Risk Assessment has successfully been used, and it has determined that Onion poses the highest risk.

  You lost 1% health.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I shouted to no one in particular because I could not hear them anyway, and they all got the alert. I did manage to crawl out from under the shelf and tried to get the heel still lodged in my leg free. That was a rookie mistake, I should never have taken my eyes off the Project Manager.