Office Wars: Bathroom Politics

by James Patton

  “Ready to check out your new place?” She asked the new Conor Ward, realizing for the first time she had pulled off the body swap. She pressed the device in her pocket that made her and Conor disappear from all surveillance and escaped the building.

  The new Conor Ward did not see Vicky staring at him with a dead smile and cold eyes. She calmly calculated the next steps in her plan, and the only emotion she could bring forth was bitterness.

  Chapter 6

  Overtime

  We found the stairs down a hallway in the back of the cubicle farm, and they were unguarded. However, we were not the first people to escape the floor. The other group could have cleared the boss, but I doubted it. My perception was setting off alarm bells all the way up the stairs, but nothing happened.

  Congratulations! You have made it to the next floor!

  Rewards for your game play this session:

  Strength +1. Your Strength is now 9.

  Speed +2. Your Speed is now 20.

  Cognitive +4. Cognitive is now 14.

  Perception +2. Perception is now 32.

  Charisma +3. Charisma is now 14.

  +100 Poker Chips for completing the floor.

  +100 Poker Chips for completing in under three hours.

  Current Poker Chips: 500

  You need 67% more experience to reach the next level.

  You have ranked up in Perception, and get to choose one of the two perks:

  Bounty Repeal – Your Underestimate ability will now allow you to adjust your bounty level. It cannot be adjusted more than three colors in either direction. This ability only works as long as your perception is higher than your opponent’s Cognitive or Perception skill. The default color is your actual bounty color.

  Or…

  Eye of the Beholder – This will upgrade your class skill and provide you with an indicator in your User Interface. This indicator will let you know if you are visible, but it will only work on opponents. It is not omnipotent, so it will only work on things you can see.

  Damn. This game is not making this easy. I whined. Both skills were equally impressive, and either one of the could provide me with enough of an edge to succeed. My bounty seems to be green a lot, and Bounty Repeal could shield me. I wanted to go with it, but my growing commitment to our Pact made me shy away from it. It would make me less of a target, but it would shift the bullseye from me to my Pact.

  I choose Eye of the Beholder. I locked in my choice.

  Congratulations! You have gained the perk Eye of the Beholder. The default setting is on, so it will now appear on your interface. The indicator is simple; it's that holographic eye you see in the top right of your vision. If it is grayed out, you are in an area where it is disabled. The eye will have various degrees of open and closed, and if it is staring at you, then you are not hidden at all.

  With that out of the way, I checked my Poker Chip situation. They had accumulated from the skeletons, killing the Project Manager, and the quest. Plus the player we killed, but I still owed Alexa 20pc for the money she lent me this morning. So I had 480 Poker Chips, which was not bad for a day’s work.

  As we listlessly waited for the wheel, I browsed the store, but nothing caught my attention with the amount I had to spend. I saw Nevi stocking up on bandages, and she did not even look at anything else. I found it odd, but not worth asking about it.

  Alexa and Bob were still wandering around the store, and Fungi and Zingo were in the lounge discussing a movie I had not yet experienced. It sounded good, but I was feeling lost. My routine kept me grounded, and everything had changed since Vicky entered my life. I was not yet sure if the changes were good or bad.

  I sighed and found a comfortable couch to lay my head back on. I closed my eyes and used an old breathing technique to calm my anxieties. We still had an hour or more to wait, but at least this time I did not have a GM hassling me. My mind wandered, and I found it fixating on the group that had made it here before us, mostly wondering how they had managed it. I did not care because it pulled attention from us, but it was still curious.

  “Are You the leader of your group?” An unfamiliar voice said nearby, and I cracked open my eyes.

  “Not really, that would be Bob,” I said but was interested in where this was going. “Honestly, it's a strange setup. Why do you ask?”

  “Would not have guessed, since the others seem to defer to you a lot.”

  “We got a good group, and work well together. What about your group?”

  “We cooperate.” His response was terse, which spoke volumes. “You probably do not remember me, but you helped us through the first floor with your smoke bomb and humiliated our leader. Personally, I appreciated it.” He said but dropped a folded piece of paper by his lap where his group could not see.

  “I understand. Why?” I asked.

  “You will see. This group will probably implode at some point, and you guys are smart, so I hope to buy a little bit of good will.” He whispered and got up to head into the store.

  While they were watching him, I picked up the piece of paper and hid it away to read at a later point when it would not seem suspicious. Alexa sat down near me and had seen the whole thing, so rather than wait I handed it off to her.

  “Read that and let me know what it says, but do it away from everyone else,” I told her.

  Alexa said nothing, but as my head laid back to pretend I was sleeping, she stood up and walked off. After about fifteen minutes Alexa returned and sat next to me. She started some small talk, which if anyone knew her, was way out of character, but then she got to the good stuff.

  “His name is Spork, and they are going to hunt us. You pissed off his leader, and he wants to collect our bounties. Do not trust Clifford.” Alexa said, but I could see the question in her eyes.

  “I get it; it's weird how I always end up in the middle of things. I have no idea why.”

  “I believe you, but… It’s dangerous to be around you too.” She told me.

  “I know, but I meant it, I will help you if you want it.”

  “I do.”

  “There is one more thing,” I started hesitantly. “I need to know who you are outside of here. In your own time, because I think I might be able to help you even if we fail here.”

  I meant it too if I achieved the salary I could help her pay off her Serfdom.

  “I will think about it.”

  Four Hours have passed. 412 (925 total) people eliminated today. 15 have found the exit. Thirty minutes until the Wheel.

  “Wow!” A voice called out, and I had to agree. The number of people eliminated doubled in the last two hours.

  “Not that surprising.” A new voice said coming up the stairs. “Most of you avoided the war going on out there. Pretty sure that guy had a green bounty, but look now it's shifted into yellow.” The man said pointing at me.

  I looked down at my nametag, and sure enough, it had faded to yellow. I had no idea how high my bounty had been, but the fact that it was deep in the yellow meant some serious shit was going down.

  “Holy shit,” I said to Alexa, and she nodded back.

  “What kind of war?” Bob asked.

  “Office War, dipshit. There is a psychopath out there wielding a bladed weapon from a paper cutter. He is straight up decapitating people. Public enemy number one, but with all the chips and items he is accumulating I think I will just avoid him altogether.”

  “What’s his name?” Someone in one of the other groups yelled out.

  “Illuminator.”

  “That is the stupidest fucking name I have ever heard.” Fungi said which garnered several chuckles.

  “Well feel free to tell him that yourself.” The guy said and wandered off, and several others scrambled in after him.

  “Pay for the bandages, and I’ll help you guys out.” Nevi said approaching those coming up the stairs. I missed the rest of the conversation, but they were nodding to her gratefully, so I left it alone.

  “Hey man, can I talk to you a
lone for a few minutes?” Fungi said to me. “Nothing bad, just kind of personal.”

  “Sure man. Be right back everyone.” I stood up and followed Fungi over to a corner where no one was.

  “Are you and Alexa a thing?” Fungi started off nervously, and I found myself laughing.

  “Sorry, not- uh just-” I laughed again. “I mean to say, we are not a thing, just trying to help her win.”

  “Why?”

  “Look at the way she acts with everyone and tell me what you think she is outside of here.”

  Fungi to his credit did think about it for a few moments. “A Serf?”

  “I think so, but do not talk to her about it. She thinks if she can get close to the end she can pay off her debt and if I had the money I would just give it to her. So we have an agreement.”

  “Can I help?” Fungi asked.

  “You and I? Sure why not, but let's not talk about it ok? I have no idea if she wants people to know and I don’t want to break the trust yea?”

  “Yea, deal.” Fungi said. “And you are sure you are not a couple?”

  I laughed and shook my head and walked away.

  “Hey, I am serious!” He said rather loudly.

  “I will not interfere, man, do what you like.” I grinned at him, and then returned to my couch.

  Watching the crowd, I realized we were not the same group that left this morning. There was little communication, and the entire room was much more subdued than they had been this morning. Eliminating almost a thousand people in two days felt like the game was out of control.

  “Bob,” I said softly, getting his attention. “Is it normal for so many to die this early?”

  “Not sure,” Bob replied. “But after the halfway point it gets a lot harder. The game culls the weak and stupid, and it leaves the real contenders in play.”

  “Damn.”

  “Yes. Damn. After this point, you have to watch everyone and assume no one is your friend. Each of us works for a corporation, and if we are told to kill each other, we cannot say no. A Pact does protect us from each other, but that rescinds soon.”

  I recognized the warning, but I ignored it. I did not want that thought in my head because I trusted these people to have my back. “Extend the Pact then. Until the end.”

  Bob looked at me and smiled. “Careful. I think you have BCD…”

  “Please don’t encourage that,” I told him.

  “It is a real thing, look at all the Bobs around you.” Fungi said. “There, a BOBble head, and there that guy is reading Gamer for Life which has a demon named Bob in it. That guy’s name is BobbyFishsticks. Should I go on? Oh, you hear that? That girl is singing Mr. Tambourine Man, which for you young folks, is sung by Bob Dylan. Bobs are everywhere, and it freaks me out, man.”

  “Uh…” I said and looked at Bob who was staring at me. He was wearing a ‘what the fuck’ face, which probably mirrored mine. “Guess you have a stalker.”

  “No. No.” Bob said twice and shook his head.

  “Oh stop it, I am just messing with you. But now that I said it see if you can stop seeing all the Bobs around you. It is enough to drive you mad. That is the essence of the Bob-sessive Compulsive Disorder or BCD.”

  “You are certifiably insane,” Bob shook his head at Fungi.

  “Anyone have a bobby pin? Need to get my hair out of my eyes.” A girl said asking a nearby group.

  “Just cut it into a bob.” Another contender replied. “I have scissors and can help.”

  “Ok, seriously, how much did you pay them to do that?” Bob asked, and his startled look caused me to snort with laughter. Whatever just happened, I could tell it left Bob slightly disturbed.

  The Wheel will commence in five minutes.

  “Ok, back to my other topic. Any idea how many contenders there are?” At one point I attempted to count, but everyone was moving around too much.

  “Hard to say. I doubt we started with more than three thousand, probably closer to two. I am pretty sure Odditek does not want us to know the exact amount, at least for now.” Bob said but was still looking at Fungi uneasily, who just kept grinning at him.

  “Why? Seems like a silly restriction.”

  “For now it does, but on the higher floors, knowing how many people are left is dangerous. The remaining contenders will know how many people to eliminate and may team up together to make it happen.”

  “Won’t they know anyway when they are all in the lounge?” Fungi said joining the conversation.

  “No,” Bob said and looked around real fast. “I should not be talking about this, but at the halfway point, there is no time restriction. You just have to do at least one floor a day. The wheel is new, so no idea how that plays into it.”

  “So you can do as many floors in a day as you want?” That was useful information to ponder later. It would be good to do a few extra floors and put some distance from the general mass of contenders.

  “Holy crap, you are a veteran player.” Fungi whispered, which I had suspected already. It reemphasized a theory I had about Nevi.

  “Shut the fuck up,” Bob snapped at him, and Fungi for once listened and nodded sagely. “We can talk once we are on the next floor and someplace private. Do not forget there are a ton of different classes here; some have extraordinary hearing. Keep your shit private.”

  I for one took the advice to heart.

  The Wheel spins…

  Overtime! Play the next floor; you have until 2 A.M. to complete it.

  “That is fucking bullshit!” One of the contenders yelled.

  “Do we get time and a half?”

  “You cannot force us to work more than eight hours a day!”

  “Screw you Odditek.”

  “Who the hell keeps grabbing my junk!”

  I laughed because some things never changed. At my old job, before Odditek took over the world, I remembered working in an office during tax season. I practically slept in that place for weeks, now that was real overtime. This shit was a joke. Part of me wanted to call it a day, but with everything in turmoil, I could use the distraction.

  Shit, the note! I thought.

  “Bob, we have a problem, and I did not want to bring it up yet. Alexa, give him the letter.” I said, and he read over it and passed it to the others.

  “Shit.”

  “Our bounties have dropped significantly, but I doubt that helps us,” I said.

  “Not in the slightest. It does not change the monetary value on each of our heads, just makes us less of a target. We wait then and see which way they go and then go a different way.” Bob said.

  “I am not sure that we should wait too long,” Zingo said. “That wheel spin is going to get the others rushing this way. Meaning those guys that are killing other players will be here soon.”

  “Damn, that puts us in a bind,” Bob said while he rubbed the back of his neck, which was not a gesture Lifers used. Just like Fungi’s limp, it gave him away as an Old Worlder.

  “The other group is leaving,” Alexa said nodding toward the far end of the room where a lot of groups were exiting through the doors.

  Due to the calls on game masters, we are making a quick announcement. If you are progressing through the third floor, you are still exempt from the Wheel for the remainder of the day. You will get no more reminders on time except for an hour before closing. Once you get to the fourth floor, you may leave. Be back here at 8:30 AM to begin the next floor or get eliminated. Good luck.

  “Let’s go,” Bob said and headed to a door closest to the stairs they came up.

  No one paid us any attention as we slipped out. After we were through the door and out of sight of the room we stopped.

  “Onion, we are going to go straight down this hall and check on the offices as we go, we will leave doors open to indicate our direction. If we need to make a turn, we will wait for you. Wait here and watch the lounge and check to see if anyone comes this way. After about ten minutes catch up with us.”

  “No problem.
” They sped off down the hall, and I waited. I used my hide and light step ability and crept back to the door and watched everyone disappearing through various doors.

  Once the room cleared out, I moved to one of the doors in the middle of the lounge and used a pencil I picked up in the storage room to write on the wall. As large as I could, I wrote:

  Illuminator,

  Sorry, I missed you, but with a tiny dick like that, I am sure you get that a lot. No worries, when your balls drop, and you are man enough to fight real contenders, find me.

  Oh and go fuck yourself with your tiny hands.

  Love,

  Clifford

  Light Step +1. Light Step is now 4.

  The sound of your footfalls is reduced by another 2%.

  I waved the alert away as I was laughing at my handiwork. My only regret with my childish, yet strategic, action was that I would not be present when Illuminator found it. I still found myself laughing all the way back to my group.

  Once in the room, Fungi went white and screamed shrilly. I laughed at him because I was not even invisible to him.

  “Fuck man, what did I tell you about warning me, need to hang a bell on you.” Fungi said, but then stopped. “Why were you laughing before?”

  I told them what I did, and Fungi was having trouble breathing and laughing simultaneously.

  “You are out of your mind. If that Illuminator guy finds out you did that, it is going to backfire.” Bob said. “However, it may solve a problem or two, so I approve.”

  “Seriously, how old are you guys? Not to mention that is a little too obvious.” Nevi asked, but not expecting an answer, and Alexa said nothing as usual, but I could have sworn I saw her smile.

  “You obviously do not understand guys.” Fungi said laughing. “A freak like Illuminator is not very bright, or he would not have gone on a killing rampage. He will not second guess that message, partly because he will not care if Clifford wrote it or not, he will go after him.”