Between Shades of Gray

by Ruta Sepetys

  The door to the shack blew open. The NKVD pushed inside, pointing guns at us.

  “Davai!” yelled a guard, grabbing the man who wound his watch. People began to protest.

  “Please, it’s Christmas Eve,” pleaded Mother. “Don’t try to make us sign on Christmas Eve.”

  The guards yelled and began pushing people out of the shack. I wasn’t leaving without Papa. I scrambled over to the other side of the table. I grabbed our family photo and stuffed it up my dress. I would hide it on the way to the kolkhoz office. Kretzsky didn’t notice. He stood motionless, holding his rifle, staring at all the photographs.

  52

  THEY WORKED US hard on Christmas Day. I stumbled from fatigue, having had no sleep the night before. When I returned to the shack, I could barely walk. Mother had given Ulyushka a whole package of cigarettes for Christmas. She sat, with her feet propped up near the stove, smoking. Where had Mother gotten the cigarettes? I couldn’t understand why Mother gave anything to Ulyushka.

  Jonas arrived with Andrius.

  “Merry Christmas,” he said.

  “Thank you for the chocolate,” said Mother. “We were beside ourselves.”

  “Andrius, wait a minute,” said Jonas. “I have something for you.”

  “I have something for you, too,” I said. I reached into my suitcase and pulled out a sheet of paper. I handed it to Andrius.

  “It’s not very good,” I said, “but it’s a better angle. Smaller nostrils.”

  “It’s great,” said Andrius, looking at my drawing.

  “Really? ”

  His eyes flashed up, locking on mine. “Thank you.”

  I opened my mouth. Nothing came out. “Merry Christmas,” I finally said.

  “Here,” said Jonas, holding out his hand. “It was yours, then you gave it to Lina. She gave it to me when I was sick. I survived, so I figure it must be pretty lucky. I think it’s your turn to have it.” Jonas opened his fingers to reveal the stone with the sparkles inside. He handed it to Andrius.

  “Thanks. I guess this thing is lucky,” said Andrius, looking at the stone.

  “Merry Christmas,” said Jonas. “And thanks for the tomatoes.”

  “I’ll walk back with you,” said Mother. “I’d like to wish your mother a Merry Christmas, if she can steal away for a moment.”

  Jonas and I lay on our straw, bundled in our coats and boots.

  “Remember when we used to sleep in pajamas?” asked Jonas.

  “Yes, with goose-down covers,” I said. My body sank into the straw and into the quiet. I felt the chill of the hard ground slowly creeping onto my back and up over my shoulders.

  “I hope Papa has a goose-down blanket tonight,” said Jonas.

  “Me, too,” I said. “Merry Christmas, Jonas.”

  “Merry Christmas, Lina.”

  “Merry Christmas, Papa,” I whispered.

  53

  “LINA!” SAID ANDRIUS, running into our shack. “Hurry, they’re coming for you.”

  “Who?” I asked, startled. I had just returned from work.

  “The commander and Kretzsky are on their way now.”

  “What? Why?” gasped Mother.

  I thought of the stolen ink pen, hidden in my suitcase. “It’s ... I ... stole a pen,” I said.

  “You did what?” said Mother. “How could you be so foolish! Stealing from the NKVD?”

  “It’s not about a pen,” said Andrius. “The commander wants you to draw his portrait.”

  I stopped and turned to Andrius. “What?”

  “He’s an egomaniac,” said Andrius. “He went on about needing a portrait for the kolkhoz office, a portrait for his wife—”

  “His wife?” said Jonas.

  “I can’t do it,” I said. “I can’t concentrate around him.” I looked at Andrius. “He makes me uncomfortable.”

  “I’m going with you,” said Mother.

  “He won’t allow it,” said Andrius.

  “I’ll break my hands if I have to. I can’t do it,” I said.

  “Lina, you will do nothing of the sort,” said Mother.

  “If you break your hands, you won’t be able to work,” said Andrius. “And if you can’t work, you’ll starve to death.”

  “Do they know she has other drawings?” Jonas said quietly. Andrius shook his head.

  “Lina.” Andrius lowered his voice. “You have to make the picture ... flattering.”

  “You’re telling me how to draw?” I said.

  He sighed. “I like your drawings. Some are very realistic, but some, they’re, well, twisted.”

  “But I draw what I see,” I said.

  “You know what I mean,” said Andrius.

  “And what am I going to get for this?” I asked. “I’m not doing this for a piece of bread or a couple of bent cigarettes.”

  We argued about what to ask for. Mother wanted postage stamps and seeds. Jonas wanted potatoes. I wanted our own shack and a goose-down blanket. I thought about what Andrius said and struggled to decide what was “flattering.” Broad shoulders would signify power. His head turned slightly would accentuate his strong jawline. The uniform would be easy. I could draw it very accurately. It was his face that concerned me. When I imagined sketching the commander, I had no problem, until I got to his head. My mind saw a clean and pressed uniform, with a nest of wicked snakes sprouting out of his neck, or a skull with hollow black eyes, smoking a cigarette. The impressions were strong. I longed to draw them. I needed to draw them. But I couldn’t, not in front of the commander.

  54

  A FIRE CRACKLED in the kolkhoz office. The room smelled of burning timber. I took off my mittens and warmed my hands on the fire.

  The commander marched in. He wore a spotless green uniform with blue piping. A black pullover strap cradled his pistol holder. I tried to make note quickly so I wouldn’t have to look at him. Blue pants, a blue hat with a raspberry band above the brim. Two shiny gold medals hung on the left side of the uniform. And of course, the ever-present toothpick danced back and forth from each side of his mouth.

  I dragged a chair near his desk and sat, motioning for the commander to be seated. He pulled his chair out and sat down in front of me, his knees nearly touching mine. I moved my chair back, pretending I was searching for the right angle.

  “Coat,” he said.

  I looked up at him.

  “Take it off.”

  I didn’t move.

  He nodded, his deep-set eyes glaring through me. He wrapped his tongue around the toothpick, swirling it from side to side.

  I shook my head and rubbed my arms. “Cold,” I said.

  The commander rolled his eyes.

  I took a deep breath and looked up at the commander. He stared at me.

  “How old are you?” he asked, his eyes running over my body.

  It started. Snakes slithered out of his collar and wrapped themselves around his face, hissing at me. I blinked. A gray skull sat on his neck, its jaws flapping, laughing.

  I rubbed my eyes. There are no snakes. Don’t draw the snakes. I now knew how Edvard Munch felt. “Paint it as you see it,” he had said during his lifetime. “Even if it’s a sunny day but you see darkness and shadows. Paint it as you see it.” I blinked again. I can’t, I thought. I can’t draw it as I see it.

  “I don’t understand,” I lied. I motioned for him to turn his head to the left.

  I drew a loose outline. I’d have to start with the uniform. I couldn’t look at his face. I tried to work quickly. I didn’t want to spend a minute longer than necessary near the man. Sitting in front of him felt like a shiver that would never go away.

  How can I do this in an hour? Focus, Lina. No snakes.

  The commander was not a good sitter. He insisted on frequent breaks to smoke. I found I could get him to sit longer if I showed him my progress from time to time. He was enchanted with himself, lost in his own ego.

  After another fifteen minutes, the commander wanted a break. He reclaimed his
toothpick from the desk and walked outside.

  I looked at the drawing. He looked powerful, strong.

  The commander returned. He had Kretzsky with him. He snapped the pad from my hands. He showed it to Kretzsky, swatting him on the shoulder with the back of his hand.

  Kretzsky’s face was turned to the drawing, but I could feel he was staring at me. The commander said something to Kretzsky. He replied. Kretzsky’s speaking voice was very different from his commands. His tone was calm, young. I kept my head down.

  The commander handed the pad back to me. He circled me, his black boots taking slow, even steps around my chair. He looked at my face and then barked a command at Kretzsky.

  I started sketching his hat. That was the last piece. Kretzsky returned and handed the commander a file. Komorov opened the file and flipped through papers. He looked at me. What did it say in that file? What did he know about us? Did it say something about Papa?

  I began sketching furiously. Hurry, davai, I told myself. The commander began asking questions. I could understand bits and pieces.

  “Been drawing since child?”

  Why did he want to know? I nodded, motioning for him to turn his head slightly. He obliged and posed.

  “What you like to draw?” he asked.

  Was he making conversation with me? I shrugged.

  “Who is favorite artist?”

  I stopped and looked up. “Munch,” I told him.

  “Munch, hmm.” He nodded. “Don’t know Munch.”

  The red stripe above his brim needed more detail. I didn’t want to spend the time. I just shaded it all in quickly. I carefully tore the sheet from the pad. I handed the paper to the commander.

  He dropped the file on the desk and grabbed the portrait. He walked around the office, admiring himself.

  I stared at the file.

  It was just sitting there, lying on the desk. There had to be something about Papa in that file, something that could help me get a drawing to him.

  The commander gave Kretzsky an order. Bread. He told Kretzsky to give me bread. I was supposed to get more than bread.

  The commander left the room. I began to protest.

  Kretzsky pointed to the front door. “Davai!” he yelled, waving for me to leave. I saw Jonas waiting outside.

  “But—” I started.

  Kretzsky shouted something and exited behind the desk.

  Jonas opened the door and peeked in. “He told us to go to the kitchen door. I heard him. We can get our bread there,” he whispered.

  “But we’re supposed to get potatoes,” I argued. The commander was a liar. I should have drawn the snakes. I turned to pick up my drawing pad. I saw the file on the desk.

  “C’mon, Lina, I’m hungry,” said Jonas.

  “Okay,” I said, pretending to gather my paper. I grabbed the file and shoved it in my coat.

  “Yes, let’s go,” I said, rushing through the door. Jonas had no idea what I had done.

  55

  WE WALKED TO the NKVD barracks. I felt my heartbeat thump in my ears. I tried to calm myself, act normal. I looked over my shoulder. I saw Kretzsky exit the rear door of the kolkhoz office. He walked in the shadows to the barracks, his long wool coat swaying around his feet. We waited in back near the kitchen, as instructed.

  “He may not come,” I said, eager to run back to the shack.

  “He has to come,” said Jonas. “They owe us food for your drawing.”

  Kretzsky appeared at the back door. A loaf of bread sailed into the dirt. Couldn’t he hand the bread to us? Would that be so difficult for him? I hated Kretzsky.

  “C’mon, Jonas. Let’s go,” I said. Suddenly, potatoes rocketed at us. I heard laughter from inside the kitchen.

  “Do you have to throw them?” I said, moving toward the dark doorway. The door closed.

  “Look, there are several!” said Jonas, running to pick them up.

  The door opened. A tin can smacked against my forehead. I heard clapping and felt a warm dripping above my eyebrow. Cans and garbage rained down around us. The NKVD amused themselves by pelting helpless children with garbage.

  “They’re drunk. Hurry, let’s go! Before they start shooting,” I said, not wanting to drop the file.

  “Wait, some of it is food!” said Jonas, frantically collecting things off the ground. A sack flew out and hit Jonas in the shoulder, knocking him over. A cheer erupted from behind the door.

  “Jonas!” I ran to him. Something wet hit me in the face.

  Kretzsky appeared at the door and said something.

  “Hurry,” said Jonas. “He says we’re stealing food and he’s going to report us.”

  We scurried around, like hens in a yard, craning our necks for anything that touched the ground. I reached up to clear the smelly slop from my eyes. Rotten potato peels. I put my head down and ate them.

  “Fasheest sveenya!” yelled Kretzsky. He slammed the door.

  I gathered things in my skirt, holding my arm against my coat and the file. I took all I could carry, even empty cans for residue. The left side of my forehead throbbed. I reached up and felt a big, wet goose egg.

  Andrius emerged from the side of the building. He looked around. “I see you got something for your drawing,” he said.

  I ignored him and quickly began snatching the potatoes with my free hand. I stuffed them into my pockets and skirt, desperate to get each one.

  Andrius moved to lift the sack I was straddling. He put his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry,” he said gently. “We’ll get it all.”

  I looked up at him.

  “You’re bleeding.”

  “It’s nothing. I’m fine,” I said, pulling potato rot from my hair.

  Jonas scooped up the bread. Andrius picked up the big sack.

  “What’s in that?” asked Jonas.

  “Flour,” said Andrius. “I’ll carry it back for you.”

  “Did you hurt your arm?” asked Andrius, watching me clutch my coat.

  I shook my head.

  We trudged through the snow in silence.

  56

  “HURRY, JONAS,” I said as soon as we were a safe distance from the NKVD building. “Mother will be worried. Run ahead and let her know we’re okay.”

  Jonas ran toward our shack. I slowed my pace. “They have a file on us,” I said, watching my brother shrink in the distance.

  “They have files on everyone,” said Andrius. He tossed the sack of flour up, readjusting it on his shoulder.

  “Maybe you could help me with something,” I said.

  Andrius shook his head, almost laughing. “I can’t steal a file, Lina. That’s a lot different from wood or a can of tomatoes. It’s one thing to get in the kitchen, but—”

  “I don’t need you to take the file,” I said, stopping short of our shack.

  “What?” Andrius stopped.

  “I don’t need you to steal the file.” I looked around and opened my coat slightly. “I already have it,” I whispered. “It was on the commander’s desk. I need you to put it back once I’ve read it.”

  Shock flooded Andrius’s face. His head snapped from side to side, to see if we were alone. He pulled me behind a shack. “What’s wrong with you! Do you want to get yourself killed?” he whispered.

  “The bald man said it’s all in our files, where we were sent, perhaps what happened to the rest of our family. It’s all right here.” I crouched down, letting go of the potatoes and other items I had been carrying. I reached into my coat.

  “Lina, you can’t do this. Give me the file. I’m taking it back.”

  Footsteps approached. Andrius stood in front of me. Someone passed.

  He dropped the sack and reached for the file. I moved away from him and opened it. My hands trembled. There were photos of our family, and papers attached to the folder. My heart sank. It was all in Russian. I turned to Andrius. He grabbed the file from my hand.

  “Please,” I begged. “Tell me what it says.”

  “Are you re
ally that selfish? Or are you just stupid? They’ll kill you and your family,” he said.

  “No.” I grabbed his arm. “Please, Andrius. It might help me find my father. You heard him on the train. I can help him find us. I can send him my drawings. I just need to know where he is. I ... I know you can understand.”

  He stared at me and then opened the file. “I don’t read Russian that well.” His eyes quickly scanned the papers.

  “What does it say?”

  “Students at the Academy,” he said, looking over his shoulder. “This word is ‘artist.’ That’s you. Your father,” he said, putting his finger under a word.

  “Yes, what?” I said.

  “Location.”

  I huddled near Andrius. “What does it say?”

  “Krasnoyarsk. Prison.”

  “Papa’s in Krasnoyarsk?” I remembered drawing Krasnoyarsk on the map for the NKVD.

  “I think this word means ‘offense’ or ‘charge,’” he said, pointing to some writing. “It says your father is—”

  “Is what?”

  “I don’t know this word,” whispered Andrius. He snapped the file shut and stuffed it in his coat.

  “What else does it say?”

  “That’s all it says.”

  “Can you find out what the word is? The one about Papa?”

  “What if I get caught with this?” said Andrius, suddenly full of anger.

  What if he did get caught? What would they do to him? He turned to walk away. I grabbed him. “Thank you,” I said. “Thank you so much.”

  He nodded, pulling away from me.

  57

  MOTHER WAS DELIGHTED with the food. We decided to eat most of it immediately, just in case the NKVD tried to take it back. The canned sardines were delicious, well worth the tender gash on my head. Their oil felt silky against my tongue.

  Mother gave Ulyushka a potato. She invited her to share our meal. She knew Ulyushka was less likely to report that we had food if she ate some herself. I hated that Mother shared with Ulyushka. She had tried to throw Jonas out into the snow when he was sick. She didn’t think twice about stealing from us. She never shared her food. She ate egg after egg, right in front of us. Yet Mother insisted on sharing with her.