Don't Leave

by Jennifer Sucevic

  It takes about twenty minutes or so before I finally loosen up and start to enjoy myself. And no one is more surprised than me when the next hour flies by with lots of amusing stories about Cole growing up. It’s really nice to see Cole with his stepdad because you can tell how much they enjoy each other’s company.

  But then again, Cole is just so easy to get along with. He has such a chill, laidback personality. On top of that- he’s a really nice guy. And in my limited experience, there aren’t too many of those floating around.

  As Cole and Thomas discuss the upcoming hockey season, I can’t help but slowly take in everything about him. His disheveled dark brown hair, his amazing golden brown eyes, those adorable dimples that turn my insides to mush, that beautiful lopsided smile, his big broad shoulders so chiseled from bench pressing and a chest that I literally want to lick. And let’s not forget about those gorgeous rock hard abs of his...

  Totally dreamy.

  I should probably stop with the mental inventory because I’m kind of getting turned on over here. Which is… inappropriate.

  His ex may want him back, but she isn’t going to get him. She was foolish enough to break his heart. I won’t be making the same mistake. I know exactly what I have in Cole and I plan on holding onto him for as long as I can.

  When dinner is finally ready, Thomas hands us the dishes along with four sets of silverware so that we can set the dining room table. We’re all just settling in, passing the delicious smelling food to one another, when the front door opens and suddenly all of the easy camaraderie of moments ago disappears.

  “Hello,” a woman calls out cheerfully. My wide eyes fly to Cole. Everything has been going so well with Thomas, I’m almost afraid to meet his mother. She’s the one I need to impress, right? Aren’t mothers supposed to be overprotective and overbearing when it comes to their sons? Especially since this is her only son…

  And let’s not forget that she was just out to lunch with Cole’s ex-girlfriend.

  Fresh nerves ignite within me as all the food I just heaped onto my plate loses its appeal.

  “We’re in here, dear. Just sitting down to dinner. You’ll be happy to know that I haven’t run Cassidy off just yet.” Thomas smiles before winking at me from the far end of the dining room table. I give him a weak smile in return.

  “Wonderful!” Just as she steps into the formally appointed room, she pauses, almost as if she’s in the midst of catching her breath. There’s a huge friendly smile gracing her face which promptly freezes when her eyes collide with mine.

  Oh shit.

  Shit, shit, shit.

  That’s the only thought racing through my head as my gaze locks on hers. Everything in the room suddenly grinds to a screeching halt. In that moment it feels as if the floor disappears from beneath my feet and I’m suddenly in free fall. I clench the table as I continue gaping at her.

  This… can’t be happening.

  There’s a flurry of activity as Thomas stands up, placing a kiss on his wife’s cheek. Cole gets up as well, greeting his mother with a big warm hug. But all I can do is sit there, my feet cemented to the floor. Not sure how to react, I blink my eyes as Cole drags his mother over to where I’m still sitting. With shaking legs, I force myself to stand. It feels as if my knees might give out at any moment.

  This is a nightmare.

  Except I know it’s real. Because I’m pinching the hell out of myself and it really hurts.

  Unaware of the swirling undercurrents now choking all of the air in the room, Cole introduces us. “Mom, this is Cassidy.” He smiles that lopsided little smile of his at me. But my heart is too frozen to melt as the sight of his dimples. “Cassidy, this is my mother, Allison.”

  Dr. Thompson’s lips curve up before she quickly thrusts out her hand. “Hi Cassidy, it’s wonderful to finally meet you. I’m so glad you were able to join us for dinner today.” She holds my eyes expectantly all the while waiting for me to respond.

  But I’m too stunned. I feel strangely paralyzed.

  Slowly I release the breath I’ve been holding before forcing myself to reach for her hand. From very far away, I hear myself speak as if there is absolutely nothing odd about what is now playing out. “Thank you for having me, it’s great to meet you, too.”

  My mind is whirling and I can’t… make… it… stop.

  After introductions are made, we all sit back down. Thomas peppers his wife with a few questions about the emergency that called her away on a Sunday afternoon. Cole keeps glancing at me with concern lighting his golden whiskey colored eyes but I pretend not to notice as I pick at the baked chicken and roasted vegetables on my plate.

  Unconsciously my eyes keep sliding to Dr. Thompson. Every once in a while our gazes catch before I quickly lower my eyes back to the plate in front of me. My belly pitches and roils with nerves. I think they’re frantically searching for a way out.

  I hope they don’t find it.

  Now that Cole and his mother are sitting next to one another, I’m able to see a little bit of a resemblance but certainly not enough to have ever suspected they were mother and son. Where Cole has artfully messy dark brown hair and golden brown eyes, his mother has chin length, perfectly styled blonde hair and deep brown eyes. And she’s smaller, more petite where Cole is at least six foot two and broad in the shoulders.

  I’m going with the assumption that Cole gets his looks from his father.

  I want to laugh hollowly because I guess we have that in common. In the looks department, I resemble my father but have my mother’s smaller build. Where my dad is strapping- built for defense, I’m smaller and sleeker- better suited to playing forward.

  Well, that had always been the running joke in my family…

  Once again Cole snags my distracted attention before giving me yet another reassuring smile. I return it but even I realize that it’s a lame attempt. He knows me well enough by now to understand that something isn’t right.

  And really, what am I supposed to tell him?

  That his mother is my shrink. That she knows all my dirty little secrets?

  I actually told Cole’s own mother the last time I saw her that I was sexually attracted to someone other than her son.

  Kill me now.

  Just pull the freaking trigger and get it over with.

  Throughout the rest of the meal, I fidget nervously waiting for her to out me.

  Oh god… she knows I’ve been having sex with her son. Because I told her. I actually told her! I literally want to bash my forehead into the thick cherry of the dining room table until I completely knock myself out. She also knows that we’ve been using condoms and that I’m looking to go on the pill.

  Fresh waves of nausea swell within me. Unable to sit still for another moment, I shoot out of my seat. The conversation swirling around me abruptly comes to a halt as three sets of startled eyes fall questioningly upon me. I try pulling my lips into a thin anemic looking smile. “I, ah, need to use the bathroom.”

  “It’s through the kitchen and to the right,” Thomas says as I quickly fly out of the room. I take deep breaths before forcing them out slowly. Then I start to laugh. Manically. Because here I am using Dr. Thompson’s breathing techniques in her own freaking house. It’s just… too much.

  Locking the door, I splash a handful of cold water onto my face before squeezing my eyes tightly shut all the while continuing to inhale and exhale.

  This is crazy.

  And when I say crazy what I really mean is totally fucked up.

  How can I possibly continue seeing Cole when his mother knows every ugly detail about my life? She knows how I fell apart under the pressure and strain during my freshman year. I swallow thickly as the next thought pops into my head.

  How I used sex as an escape…

  Guilt and shame wash over me in thick hot suffocating waves. There’s no way in hell I’ll ever be good enough for Cole. And she knows it. I’m the girl who failed out of school. Got kicked off the hockey team. Threw away
all her hopes and dreams- everything she’d spent her entire life working towards. Who then used alcohol and sex as a way of coping. Whose own family didn’t want to deal with her, so they shipped her off.

  Who would want their son dating someone like that?

  Ummm, no one. That’s who.

  Cole is probably the most together person I’ve ever met in my life. He knows exactly who he is and what direction he’s moving in. He deserves a girl who already has her shit together and maybe I’m getting there, but I’m not there yet.

  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to gather enough courage to go back out there and face her again. After a few more minutes there’s a light knock on the bathroom door that has me freezing like a deer in headlights.

  Please don’t let it be her…

  Please don’t let it be her…

  “Cassidy? Are you alright?”

  The breath whooshes right out of me. My shoulders collapse as I hang onto the sides of the sink.

  Cole.

  Thank god.

  Clearing my throat, I murmur, “Umm, yeah. Sorry for taking so long. I’m- I’m really not feeling very well.” Which is actually the truth.

  Just not the whole truth.

  “Guggenheim?” He replies softly from the other side.

  I can’t help the thin smile that tugs at the corners of my lips before squeezing my eyes tightly shut again. “No, no. Not at all.” Lie. Big huge lie. “My, um, stomach is kind of upset. I hate to ask you this, but would you mind taking me back to the dorms?”

  I have to get out of here before I totally freak out because, unfortunately, I can feel it coming on. The anxiety is building, swirling its way through me. The perfect topper to this afternoon would be a full on anxiety attack.

  Thanks, but I think I’ll pass on that spectacle.

  “Yeah, no problem.” Even though he doesn’t say anything more, I hear the disappointment threading its way through his words. Which makes me feel even worse than I already do. Because I know how close Cole and his mom are. After his dad died, all they had was each other. He was really looking forward to introducing me to her.

  Taking one last deep breath, I finally open the door. Cole is standing on the other side. His hands are jammed into the pockets of his khakis as his eyes fasten onto mine.

  “I’m so sorry about this,” I whisper again. I’d been so wound up about meeting his family. I had just wanted them to like me. And now…

  Well, that certainly wasn’t going to happen. I know it, even if he doesn’t.

  His lips lift but the smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just sorry you don’t feel well.”

  “Me too,” I say honestly.

  He searches through all the lies swimming around within my eyes before gently wrapping one arm around my shoulders and tugging me close. Then he whispers softly against my hair, “They like you, Cassidy. Just like I knew they would. No worries, okay?”

  The snort almost escapes before I’m able to rein it back in because I don’t believe him for one single second. There is absolutely no way in hell that Dr. Thompson wants me anywhere near her son.

  Walking back into the dining room, I hoist my smile as Cole quickly makes apologies for us.

  “Cassidy isn’t feeling well, so we’re going to take off.”

  Looking concerned, Dr. Thompson’s eyes immediately fasten onto mine as she swiftly rises from her chair. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Let me pack something up for your roommates and then you two can be on your way.” Cole’s mom quickly begins clearing the dishes from the dining room table.

  “Thanks mom, they’ll appreciate it.” Even though he’s speaking to his mom, his eyes keep flitting to mine as if he’s trying to figure out what’s really going on. I’m pretty sure he knows I’m lying through my teeth.

  Within five minutes his mother is handing Cole a large paper grocery bag overflowing with food. Then her eyes drift back to mine and she smiles warmly just like she always does when I’m in her office. “It was a real pleasure to meet you, Cassidy. I hope we see you soon.”

  Again I want to snort, but don’t.

  Instead I give her a small polite smile in return knowing that within a few moments, this nightmare will finally be over. “Thank you so much for having me. It was wonderful to meet both of you.”

  I take a great big gulp of air as soon as we’re free of the house before sliding into the front seat as Cole loads the food into the back of his Mustang. With shaking fingers, I fasten my seatbelt.

  As we drive silently back towards campus, I stare glumly out the window. I had thought everything was a mess when Cole hadn’t known the truth about my past. It had taken awhile but I’d finally worked up the courage to come clean and now, more issues have suddenly sprouted up between us.

  As my mind somersaults, I realize that Cole isn’t aware that I’ve been meeting regularly with a counselor here at school. He knows I was in therapy before I came to Western but I guess I never mentioned that I was still seeing someone. Well, there is no way in hell I’m ever going back to Dr. Thompson now.

  Breaking into the thoughts that are circling viciously through my head, Cole reaches out, grabbing my fingers before slowly placing a kiss on the back of my hand. “Are you okay? Do you still want me to drop you off at the dorms?”

  I get the feeling that he’s hoping I’ve changed my mind.

  But I haven’t.

  It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him that I need some time to myself, to think about what I’m going to do, but I stop myself just as the words are poised to spill out of my mouth. Finally I whisper, “I just need to lie down for a while.” I pause before adding softly, “I’m really sorry about ruining dinner.”

  Glancing over, his eyes catch mine before he gives me a small smile. I can’t help but notice that it’s strained around the edges as if he already suspects that I’m keeping something from him.

  “Don’t worry about it. They’ll be plenty more.”

  Yeah… I don’t really see that happening any time soon… or like ever. But I don’t say it.

  How can I?

  Then I would have to explain that his mother and I are already well acquainted. And have been since mid-August. No, I’m definitely not ready to spill that secret. Instead of answering, I turn away, staring glumly out the window for the rest of the drive.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Pausing, my breath catches anxiously at the back of my throat. Silently I watch as my dad stares down at the phone in his hand. He must be texting or emailing or something. Even though I’m early, he’s earlier. He’s already been seated at a table.

  I’ve been a nervous wreck all day. This is the first time since failing out of school last year that my dad and I are finally sitting down to talk. And I failed out last December. It’s now November. That’s eleven months of nothingness.

  Apparently when I failed out, I not only destroyed my own aspirations and dreams, but my dad’s as well. He always wanted me to play division I hockey at a big East Coast school. I had been poised to make both of our dreams come true until the pressure, stress, and rigorousness of my course load coupled with the intense level of play had just been too much for me to handle. And I’d cracked.

  More like shattered.

  I hadn’t known how to deal with all the challenges I was suddenly faced with. Instead of seeking out help from my advisor or coach, I had turned to alcohol instead, getting totally wasted, partying, and then hooking up with random dudes.

  Total recipe for disaster, by the way.

  The only times I’d spoken with my father was when Cole and I had tried sneaking into the house to grab my old hockey gear. He’d unfortunately come home and found us in the basement. For obvious reasons, that conversation hadn’t ended well. That memory still has the power to make me wince when I think about the ugly words he had hurtled at me.

  And then, unbeknownst to me, Cole had reached out to my dad when I’d made the Western Women’s intra
mural hockey team and invited him to my first scrimmage. That’s when it seemed like we might actually be able to bridge the gap separating us.

  Which is exactly why I was here meeting my dad for dinner.

  “Miss?”

  Interrupting my thoughts, the hostess smiles as I shake off all the cobwebs of my past. I remind myself to hoist my smile because even though I’m nervous as hell, I’m thankful that my dad reached out wanting to finally sit down and talk. I’ve really missed my family over the past year and I want them back in my life. Nothing will ever be the same between any of us again, but I’m hoping that it can be different.

  Better.

  My dad had ruled my life when I was growing up. Setting schedules for hockey practice, extra work outs, and studying. Even thinking about how he’d structured my childhood has my chest tightening up with thick tendrils of anxiety. Slowly breathing in and out, I push away all those old painful memories.

  “Sorry,” I murmur, “Lead the way.”

  Noticing my arrival, my dad glances up from his phone. With a tentative smile, he quickly gets to his feet and for just a sliver of a moment we both stare at each other. Suddenly this whole thing feels awkward. Like a mistake. And just like that, all of my high expectations nosedive. The last thing I want is to sit through an hour of uncomfortable and stilted conversation.

  This really sucks because my dad and I used to be so close.

  But then he unexpectedly closes the distance between us right before his arms wrap around me, pulling me into a warm hardy embrace. I can’t help but burrow against his wide chest as his arms tighten around me. We stand embracing in the middle of the restaurant for at least a minute, maybe even two. And it feels good. So good that tears actually gather in my eyes. When we finally break apart, the tension which had just started to crackle around us dissolves as if it had never existed.