Don't Leave

by Jennifer Sucevic

  “I didn’t know that.” It’s surprising just how much they’ve grown up over the past year. Both of them are way more mature than when I left for college fifteen months ago. In that moment as I watch them, I vow never to lose contact with either one of them again. It’s like I blinked my eyes and they grew up. And I missed it. Even though I’m thrilled to be home again, I wish I hadn’t missed so much.

  “Dance with us, Cassy!”

  “Yeah, Cassy, come on. It’s easy,” Lexie chimes in.

  I snort. “Easy for you, not me,” I reply from the comfort of the couch where I’m still in my pajamas. Which also just so happens to be another tradition of ours. We don’t bother getting dressed until after the parade is over.

  “Cassy, please?” Miranda gives me a sad pouty face.

  “I can’t dance like you guys.” I burrow into my blanket thoroughly enjoying the show these two are putting on.

  My dad looks up long enough from the newspaper he’s reading on his tablet to say, “She’s a hockey player, girls, not a dancer. Totally different skill set.”

  My sisters laugh before they both beg me again to join them and even though I’m nowhere near the dancers they are, I decide to give it my best shot.

  And just like I expected, I’m terrible. Horrible, even. Sure, I can dance my ass off at a frat party with a bunch of drunken college kids but next to my competition dance sisters, I look like an uncoordinated clod. For the most part, I’m just swinging my arms and legs around. Kind of like I’m spastic.

  But you know what?

  I’m having the best time. We all are. My dad looks up from his tablet barely able to suppress his laughter. My mom stops what she’s doing in the kitchen and comes to stand next to my father. Out of the corner of my eye, I see them share a private look and smile.

  After about a minute, the dance number on TV thankfully ends. My sisters are in the same pose as the dancers in the parade. Since there is no way in hell I’m ending like that, I do a big spinny twirl before adding some jazz hands.

  Because who doesn’t like jazz hands?

  Not this girl.

  My sisters laugh hysterically and I can’t help but join them as they pile on top of me in the middle of the family room.

  Later that evening, after the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins have finally headed home, I’m lying in my bed, scrolling through Facebook when there’s a knock on the bedroom door. A moment later, my mom peeks her head around the corner.

  “Are you busy?”

  I scooch up on my bed until I’m sitting cross legged. “No, just looking at stuff online.”

  She takes a seat at the end of my bed before her eyes latch onto mine. “Today was nice, wasn’t it?” Before I can answer, she starts shaking her head looking slightly exasperated. “Your cousin, Marcus, nearly ate an entire pumpkin pie by himself. That poor thing was groaning all the way to the car when they finally left. I really hope he doesn’t throw up like he did last year.”

  We both start laughing because that kid does the same thing every single year. Just another tradition, I guess. Sure, we could stop him but… who wants to mess with tradition?

  Sobering, she says quietly, “It’s nice to have you back home, Cassidy.”

  Her words set off an explosion of all the nostalgic emotions that have been plaguing me today. Almost instantly my chest constricts with the pressure of it. “It’s good to be back,” I finally whisper.

  She nods. “We really missed you. All of us.” Nipping her bottom lip with her teeth, she adds, “Especially your dad.”

  Today has felt almost like a gift. I’m so happy that my family and I have been able to work things out. It occurs to me that without Cole calling my dad and inviting him to my first scrimmage at Western, this homecoming-of-sorts wouldn’t be happening.

  I owe him so much. My heart clenches as that thought rolls unwantedly through my head.

  “I want you to know that I’m really proud of you.”

  My brows draw together as I give just a bit of an uncomfortable laugh. “For what? Flunking out of school and getting kicked off the hockey team?” Unable to hold her eyes, I focus on the white dresser sitting against the far wall of my room. I’m still embarrassed that I fell so completely on my ass last year.

  It’s only when I feel her take my hand that my eyes cut back to hers. “No, for picking yourself back up and having the courage to try again.”

  Self-consciously I jerk my shoulders into a tight shrug. “I wish it had never happened. I wish I could have just gone to school and done well like everybody else. Instead I made a big mess out of everything and disappointed both you and dad.”

  “Oh honey, we shouldn’t have sent you to your grandparent’s house to live after you came back from school. I think we were just in a state of shock. We didn’t know what to do. Here we send our academic high achieving daughter off to play division I hockey at a prestigious college and she ends up flunking out, getting kicked off the team, and er…”

  Her words trail off awkwardly as I cut in, “Yeah, we don’t really need to rehash what happened.”

  “Well,” she finally sighs, “it happened. And you can’t go back and undo it. You just have to learn what you can from the experience and continue moving forward. And that’s exactly what you’ve done.” She takes a deep breath, “What I’m trying to say, Cassidy, is that I’m proud of you for turning it around.” Then she amends, “Both your father and I are proud of you for working hard this semester.”

  Inhaling a deep breath, I push it out slowly because what she’s saying really means a lot to me. My mom and I don’t have a super close relationship. It was always just me and my dad. And she was off with Miranda and Lexie at dance competitions and recitals. It’s actually kind of nice that she’s here, telling me that she’s proud of me.

  That we’re kind of having… well, not to sound all sappy but… a moment.

  “Thanks mom, for saying all that.”

  Rather unexpectedly, she leans over, tugging me into her arms. At first it feels a little uncomfortable but after a moment, I allow myself to melt into her embrace before pulling her tightly to me. It’s been difficult to find the silver linings in what happened last year. But maybe this new relationship with my mom is one of them.

  “So I was wondering,” she says before pulling away, “if you wanted to go shopping tomorrow morning.”

  In all the years I lived at home, my mom and sisters would get up super early and hit all the after Thanksgiving Day sales. Normally I would be playing in some turkey shootout tournament but that’s not the case this year and I’m suddenly glad for it.

  “I’d really like that, mom. Thanks for asking.”

  “Great.” Her eyes take on a sly look before she asks, “So, any plans with that foxy boy who gave you and Brooklyn a ride home yesterday?”

  My mouth drops open and I can’t help but repeat with a fair amount of horror filling my voice, “Foxy? Did you seriously just say that?”

  Her brows draw together as she says with complete seriousness, “Isn’t that the hip lingo all the young people are using these days?”

  Slowly I shake my head. “Um, no. And quite frankly, I don’t want to hear that word come out of your mouth ever again.” I give a little shudder. “It’s so wrong, it can never be right.”

  Her lips twitch with undisguised humor. “How about sexy? Is that better? More street? Like we’re just a couple of gals trying to keep it real?”

  I slap my hands over my ears before howling, “Oh my god, that’s even worse!”

  She perks up before asking, “What about hot?”

  Unable to bear another moment, I point towards the door. “You need to leave now.”

  She’s full out laughing and so am I.

  “Oh, wait, I know- smoking!” Then she adds with a little wink, “Smoking hot!” She nods her head as if she’s totally nailed it this time.

  “Are you trying to scar me for life? Because that’s what’s happening here.”<
br />
  She waves a hand at me. “Alright, alright. I’ll stop. Sheesh. I just wanted to know about the cute boy who drove you home.”

  Not sure if I want to discuss the whole Luke situation with my mother, I flop back onto my bed before nibbling my lower lip.

  “He was quite studly.”

  “You’re seriously killing me. You know that, right?” Finally giving up, I throw out a tiny crumb of information hoping she’ll refrain from using any more hip lingo as she put it. “He’s just a friend.”

  She rolls her eyes as if she doesn’t believe me for a second. “Well, it certainly didn’t seem that way to me. He looked pretty smitten.”

  Smitten?

  Nope… not touching it.

  “No, we’re just friends.” I debate whether to tack on right now but then decide not to because who knows what’s going to happen between us.

  It’s actually kind of amazing that my mom and I are even having this kind of conversation. I mean, we’ve never talked about boys before. Even though my ears are literally burning in embarrassment and I’ll probably be mentally scarred for life, it’s still kind of nice.

  And yeah… I’m secretly enjoying it.

  When I say nothing more, she wiggles her brows at me. “He’s quite a good looking young man.” She leans just a bit closer before adding in a loud whisper, “and he had one heck of a nice butt on him.”

  I shriek again because I absolutely do not want to hear my mother talking about some guy’s butt. Good lord…

  She laughs, “I’m old, Cassidy, not dead. There’s a difference.”

  Um, clearly.

  I can’t help but dissolve into another bout of laughter as she does the same. “Is Luke the boy who invited your father to the hockey game?” Her brows draw together as if she’s trying to keep things straight in her head. The laughter slowly dies on my lips as I shake my head.

  “No, that was Cole who called dad.”

  Seeming to understand that something must have happened between us, she nods her head. “And is that boy still in the picture?”

  The laughter of moments ago is now totally forgotten as my mind once again becomes consumed with Cole. “I don’t think so,” I answer sadly.

  She searches my eyes carefully before asking, “You like him a lot, this Cole?”

  It’s not really a question I have to think about. “Yeah, I do.”

  Understanding seems to dawn. “So this Luke really is just a friend?”

  Still feeling confused on that front, I shrug. “I’m not sure what we are anymore. I mean, we’re definitely friends but I’m not sure if we’ll ever be more than that.”

  “But he would like to be more?”

  “Yes, I think so. I’m just not sure if that’s what I want. I kind of started something up with Cole in the beginning of the semester and it took a long time for me to trust him. I’m not sure if I want to go through all that again right now. I have a lot going on with school and hockey and tutoring.”

  Almost absently she runs her fingers through my hair and it reminds me of being a small child and her tucking me in at night. She would always run her fingers through my hair right before kissing me goodnight. I’m not sure when she stopped doing that but I’m glad she’s here and that we’re talking.

  Really talking.

  I’ve always enjoyed a close relationship with my dad. Only now am I wondering if maybe it came at the expense of the one I could have shared with my mom. It’s not something I ever thought about before.

  Maybe I should have.

  “You do have a lot going on but you also seem to be handling it. The best advice I can give you is to take things slow and do what feels right. And maybe that’s being on your own right now.” Again she sifts her fingers through my hair. “You know, I never worried about you with boys. You were always so focused on hockey to the exclusion of everything else. And most of the time, I was glad for it. Even though your life took a slight detour last year, you’re back on track again. Whatever you decide to do will be the right decision. I believe in you, Cassidy.”

  Leaning forward, I give her a quick hug. “Thanks, mom.” Closing my eyes, I inhale the sweet scent of her rosemary mint shampoo and it catapults me back in time to when life felt a lot simpler.

  “Anytime, sweetie.”

  Just as she pulls away, my phone chimes with an incoming message. Glancing down at it, I’m surprised to see Cole’s name pop up.

  My mom glances down at the screen as well.

  “Cole, huh?”

  My wide eyes slide up to hers. I lower my voice as if he can actually hear us discussing him, “We haven’t talked in a while.”

  “Then it sounds like you two might have a lot to say to one another.” She smiles before getting up and walking towards the door. “Oh,” she turns back towards me, “the minivan pulls out at four.”

  I wince at the idea of hauling my ass out of bed at three thirty in the morning just to go shopping. I can’t help but wonder what I’ve gotten myself into.

  “Still up for it?”

  I meet her questioning eyes and know that I would get up at any ungodly hour in the morning if it meant spending more time with my family. “Definitely,” I murmur with a small smile.

  “Good. If you make it to the afternoon, I’ll treat you to lunch.”

  One brow slides up. “We’re planning to shop for eight hours?” Talk about daunting… Especially since I’ve never been much of a shopper.

  “At least.”

  My brows knit together as I stare at her. “You’re kidding, right?”

  She points towards her very solemn looking face. “Does this look like the face of someone who isn’t a serious after Thanksgiving shopper? So wear comfortable shoes, dress in layers, and pack a few snacks.”

  My mouth literally drops open as she closes the door. Then I remember the text from Cole and I all but scramble to open the message.

  Hope u had a good turkey day with ur family

  Something in my heart warms as I re-read his words about ten more times. The ache in my chest intensifies and I’m reminded of just how much I miss him. It takes a good nine minutes and roughly thirty drafts before I get it just right and hit the send button.

  Had a great t-day with the fam- thanks to u. Hope yours was just as good.

  For about five minutes after the message is rocketed into space, I wonder if maybe I should have written something different. Maybe I should have played it a little cooler. I really hate this kind of stuff. I’m no good at it.

  When fifteen minutes slowly tick by, I’m just about to hurtle my phone across the room when it dings with another incoming message. Then I’m practically falling on top of it before quickly opening the text.

  Glad everything went well. Mine was good too. Playing hockey tmrw. U?

  A small smile tips my lips upwards as I flop onto my bed. Again I compose about twenty different responses before I actually hit send.

  Shopping with my mom and sisters. Not sure what I just got myself into :0

  Slowly I release a pent up breath as his response pops up within a few minutes. It’s kind of unbelievable that after a full week since that disastrous, never-quite-made-it-to-lunch lunch, Cole and I are actually conversing via text messages. What I don’t know is if I should read anything into it. Cole is a super nice guy and I could see him wondering if everything is going okay for me after not speaking to my family for almost a year. And when you think about it like that, it makes perfect sense that he would reach out.

  Which probably means I shouldn’t read anything into this.

  It’s Cole just being, well, Cole.

  I’m glad the break is going well. Have fun tmrw

  Biting down on my lower lip, I debate what to write. It’s now completely obvious that he was just concerned about my trip home.

  Have fun playing hockey. C U when-

  I’m about to finish the sentence with- I get back but I have no clue if I’ll be seeing him. Are we suddenly going to start t
alking again? I don’t know and I really don’t want to put myself out there by implying it.

  So instead, I end up composing a friendly, yet not too friendly, message in return.

  Have fun playing hockey and enjoy the rest of ur break

  My thumb hovers over the send button for just a moment as I read, re-read, and then read it one last time before finally hitting it.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  It’s slammed home to me Friday morning that getting up at the ass crack of dawn to fight an overzealous crowd of crazed shoppers for a few sweaters and a cute pair of ankle boots is not my idea of a good time. Not only do we hit a few malls but then I am dragged against my will to Target and Wal-Mart for more of this tortuous thing called Black Friday shopping. If I never shop another day in my life, it’ll be too soon.

  The only thing that makes it halfway bearable is the steady supply of caffeinated beverages that are continuously shoved in my hand. Brooklyn also accompanies us on this god awful excursion. Although she seems to thoroughly enjoy the thrill of the hunt and excitement over every new discovery just as much as all the other demented people who are out and about before the sun even rises. In other words, she fits in perfectly with my mom and sisters. I, on the other hand, couldn’t care less.

  I have two words to sum up this day-

  Never.

  Again.

  I don’t think I’ve ever felt more exhausted in my life. By the time we return home around two in the afternoon, the only thing I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for the rest of the day. And since I have no plans, I do just that. I sleep for about three hours, getting up around dinnertime.

  Grabbing my phone, I realize there are a few text messages waiting to be read. Still feeling a little blurry eyed, my heart skips a beat wondering if maybe Cole texted again. Scrolling through the messages, I see there are two from Brooklyn and one from Luke.

  None from Cole.

  Rationally speaking, I know I shouldn’t be disappointed… but I am. Absurdly so. Which only makes me feel crabbier than I already am.