Don't Leave

by Jennifer Sucevic

  Luke knows exactly how hard and stressful my break up with Cole was because he was there. He and Brooklyn were the ones who let me cry on their shoulders. They held my hand and made sure I was doing what needed to be done. I feel very lucky to have both of them in my life.

  “Yeah, it took a while but I’m finally back on track again. Although I feel like the library staff is going to start charging me rent. I’ve pretty much been living there since Thanksgiving break.” I smile before taking another small sip of coffee. “How about you?”

  He shrugs, his blue-gray gaze focused intently on mine. His short blond hair has grown out just a little and I realize the longer length looks good on him. Glancing around, it becomes obvious that I’m not the only one who thinks he’s handsome. There are several girls checking him out.

  “I’ll be glad when this semester is over. I’m feeling a little burnt out right now. I’m looking forward to the break.”

  Again I think about all the papers and exams I have coming up. “Yeah, me too.” I’ve been working around the clock. I’m exhausted and really looking forward to a month long break. I can’t wait to go home and spend more time with my family. The relationship I now have with my parents already feels better than what it was before I left for college the first time. Even though the year apart sucked, it allowed my dad and me to break the pattern we had established between us. Not only that, but I now have a closer relationship with my mother. We’ve talked on the phone a few times since I returned to school and we text every single day. It’s nice.

  Actually, it’s way better than nice.

  “Maybe after exams are over we can get together and celebrate. A successful first semester here at Western for both of us.”

  I smile at the thought. “It can’t come soon enough.” After my dismal failure last year, I can’t wait to have this fall semester behind me.

  As we drink our coffees, a comfortable silence falls over us. Since my break up, I’ve had time to really sort out my feelings for both Luke and Cole. Even though I feel something for both of them, it’s obvious who my heart belongs to. And there’s just no changing that. I have no idea how it’ll turn out with Cole but I can’t let Luke continue to think that our relationship will ever be anything more than what it is.

  “Cassidy?”

  I don’t realize that I’ve become tangled up in my thoughts until he says my name. I can’t help but flush just a bit as I meet his blue-gray gaze. For the first time since we’ve sat down, I see the questions swimming around within his vibrant depths. “I’m sorry. I guess I spaced out there for a moment.”

  He smiles but it’s no longer full-fledged. “No problem. I know you’ve had a lot going on with school.”

  I nod but that’s not the issue and I have to wonder by the way his smile dims if he already knows that.

  As much as I don’t want to hurt him, I know I have to be honest about what I feel. “There is a lot going on but I wanted the chance to talk to you.”

  For a long moment neither of us say anything as his eyes continue holding mine, searching them. It feels as if something heavy now hangs over us.

  His shoulders tense as he says in a low voice, “You’re choosing Cole, aren’t you?”

  With my heart thumping harshly under my breast, I slowly nod my head before saying, “I love him, Luke.” That’s the bottom line and there’s just no getting past it. No getting around it. I love him. I’m still in love with him. And I can’t let that go. I can’t just let him go without trying to fight for him.

  His gaze drops to his coffee and he’s silent for a long moment. Luke has turned out to be a good friend and I don’t want to lose that. But I can’t give him anything more than that either.

  “You’ve worked things out with him?”

  “No.” I give my head just a little bit of a shake. “Not yet.”

  His brows slide together as he raises his eyes to mine again. “And if he’s not interested in getting back together, what then?”

  Taking a deep breath, I push out the words because what he’s saying is entirely possible. “Then I move on with my life the best I can.” It’s a scary prospect. But honestly, I’m already at that point. We’re not together and I have no idea if it’s going to work out between us. All I know is that I have to try. I don’t want to walk away from our relationship with any more regrets than I already have.

  Finally he whispers, “And you don’t think you could move on with me?”

  Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I take a deep breath before slowly opening them. “Since Thanksgiving break I’ve done a lot of thinking, trying to sort out my feelings for both of you. I like you, Luke. I care about you and I’m so thankful that you’re in my life but I don’t have those kinds of feelings for you.”

  Tentatively I reach out before gently covering his hand with my own. “I don’t want you waiting around for me when I don’t think anything is ever going to happen between us.” It’s hard to push those words out, hard to knowingly inflict pain, but I also know that I have to be honest with Luke.

  I may very well have to move on from Cole.

  But it won’t be with Luke. And he needs to understand that.

  For a long painful moment he doesn’t say anything. I hate that I’m hurting him.

  “I wish you would just give me a chance to show you how good we could be together.”

  Biting my lower lip, I nod. “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel that way.” Then I say softly, “I never meant to lead you on and if I did, I’m sorry.”

  He turns his hand around beneath mine until we’re holding hands across the small table that separates us. “You never led me on. You were always upfront about what you were feeling. I just wanted you to see me as more than a friend.”

  I can’t help but say, “The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

  “I know,” he acknowledges with a small smile.

  “I really am sorry.”

  Inhaling a deep breath, he blows it out slowly. As he does, I suddenly get the feeling that everything is going to be okay between us. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

  My smile grows just a bit more. “Thank you.” I squeeze his hand. “You’ve been a really good friend to me and I’m thankful for that.”

  Even though I don’t love Luke in a romantic sort of way, I still have deep feelings for him. I think I always will. He was there for me when no one else was. What happened between us, the experience we shared, has bonded us together and I don’t think it can ever be broken.

  Now it’s Luke’s turn to squeeze my fingers as his eyes cling to mine. “I told you before that no matter what you decided, you wouldn’t lose me and I meant it. We’re friends, Cassidy. And we’re always going to be friends. No matter what.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  “Slap it to me!”

  Winding up, I hit the puck to Cole who is flying across the ice. The small round rubber disk lands right on the end of his stick as he races with it to the net before flicking it in effortlessly. We’ve been out here for about thirty minutes now and it feels amazing. I love spending time with Cole on the ice and over the last month, I’ve really missed it.

  Missed him.

  Talking with Luke yesterday was difficult but I’m so glad I cleared the air between us. Even if nothing changes with Cole, I know that remaining friends with Luke is the right thing to do. I think maybe Cole was right when he said that I was letting what happened last year skew my feelings for Luke. I didn’t want to think that could really happen but when I tried separating my emotions for him… I just couldn’t do it.

  They were just too deeply intertwined.

  As much as I don’t want to lose Cole, the reality of the situation is that I might have already lost him. But I won’t know for sure until I put myself out there and tell him how I feel. And as difficult as that is to do, I know Cole is worth the risk.

  “Water break?” He skates towards me and I nod as we both head over to the bench where we set our water bottle
s when we first arrived. Removing our gloves, we toss them onto the wooden bench before guzzling our drinks.

  When I finally come up for air, I find the words slipping from my mouth before I can stop them. “I’ve really missed this.” Almost instantly I freeze because I have no idea if he feels the same way as I do. If the time we spent skating together meant as much to him as it did to me.

  One heartbeat then another slowly slips by.

  But then his gorgeous whiskey colored eyes arrow to mine as a small smile curves his lips upwards. “Me, too.”

  Almost instantly relief floods through every cell of my body. My knees almost buckle with it. And I realize that if I’m going to tell him how I feel, it needs to be now before I lose what little nerve I have. So, taking a deep gulp of air, I slowly push out the words.

  Meeting his eyes, I finally whisper, “But what I’ve missed most of all is you.” Those nine little words are the most difficult ones I’ve ever had to utter. I’m not going to lie, as soon as they’re out of my mouth, I want to snatch them right back again. I’ve never been any good at putting myself out there.

  But he’s worth it, I remind myself.

  He’s worth the risk of rejection.

  As the silence stretches and lengthens between us, his eyes continue searching mine. When he doesn’t immediately respond, the breath lodges in my throat making it impossible to breathe. My heart pounds, pumping harshly against my ribs. That’s when I start to wonder if maybe it really is too late for us.

  Have I let the best guy I’ve ever met slip right through my fingers?

  But then he’s taking my hand in his own. It’s the feel of his cold skin sliding over mine that jolts me into remembering yesterday because this is exactly how I placed my hand over Luke’s, wanting to let him down as gently as possible.

  Suddenly I’m swamped with nerves.

  And the urge to bolt.

  “Cassidy,” he begins and I can’t help but think that this is bad. He doesn’t feel the same way about me. He’s moved on and I’m still… I’m still in love with him.

  He must think I’m so pathetic.

  Is there anything worse than giving your heart to someone who no longer wants it?

  I don’t think so.

  “I’m sorry,” I gasp on a strangled breath. Unable to stand there a moment longer, I stumble back a step. I need to get out of here. Now. “I-I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  Before I can even formulate an exit strategy, he grabs my arm, spinning me towards him and for just a fraction of a moment, my mind tumbles back to the night we met. But my body doesn’t seize up the same way it did back in August.

  Because I know Cole would never hurt me.

  “Cassidy, wait! Just give me a minute to catch up here.” There’s a small smile pulling his lips upward and it only makes my heart ache more. My cheeks are already stained pink with embarrassment. My hands are clammy with nerves even though it’s freezing in the rink.

  Squaring my shoulders, I decide to force out the rest of the words through stiff lips. It may be too late but I want him to know exactly how I feel. I’ve come this far… I want to finish it.

  Taking a huge gulp of air, I finally whisper in a thick, quavering voice, “I love you, Cole, and I’m sorry that I made you feel like I wanted someone else. You were right, I,” stumbling over my words, I continue trying to push them out, “I think my feelings for Luke got a little messed up because of what happened last year. You’re the only guy I’ve ever wanted and I screwed it up.”

  There.

  Done.

  I’m just opening my mouth to say- Christ… I don’t even know what I’m going to say, when he yanks me against him. I’m barely able to suck in a breath before his lips are crashing down on mine.

  And then…

  I.

  Am.

  Lost.

  Completely and utterly lost in the rich taste and feel of him.

  Just like I always am.

  When he finally pulls away, it’s only so that he can whisper against my lips, “Cassidy, you have to seriously know that I’m still in love with you.” Again his lips stroke over mine before he murmurs softly, “And I’ve missed you like crazy.”

  I shake my head because I almost can’t believe this is happening. I’d really thought I had lost him. That I’d squandered a chance for there to even be an us. I can’t help but whisper, “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.” My eyes hold his because I want him to see everything I’m feeling.

  “Are you absolutely sure about your feelings for Luke? Because I can’t go through that again. I love you but I need to know that there’s nothing between you two.”

  “Yes,” I say vehemently, “we’re friends, nothing more.” Biting down on my lip, I whisper, “Are you okay with us being friends?”

  Because as much as I like Luke, as much as I feel connected to him, I realize that it’s nothing compared to what I feel for Cole. I absolutely, unequivocally love him. And the enormity of those feelings is so much deeper than what I could possibly feel for Luke. He was there when I needed someone the most and I’ll never be able to repay him for that.

  But it can’t be with my heart.

  Not when it already belongs to someone else.

  Again his beautiful golden gaze pierces mine, sifting through all the churning emotions within them. “As long as you tell me that I’m the one you want, the one you love, then I trust you, Cassidy.”

  I can’t help but yank the front of his warm up jacket, tugging him closer. Slowly my arms wind around his neck as I pull his hard body against mine. God but I’ve missed the feel of him.

  “It’s always been you, Cole.” Thinking about Jackie and our conversation, I add, “And I’m not going to mess that up again.”

  Grabbing my hand, he starts hauling me towards the heavy metal door that leads off the ice. What doesn’t make sense is that we still have thirty more minutes of ice time before the rink opens. “Where are we going?”

  His heated gaze flicks towards me but his skates never stop moving, bringing us closer and closer to the door. “My place.”

  My breath catches as something hot slides through me at the notion. And yeah… I think my panties just dampened with the possibility of feeling his big hard body sliding over mine. Because there is absolutely nothing more in the world I love than being in bed with him.

  “And you’re going to be there for a while,” he adds as if I might argue. Which I definitely won’t be. I want him way too much for that. My thighs clench in anticipation.

  I can’t help but say in a low voice, “Can you really wait that long?”

  His eyes flare wide before arrowing straight to mine. Stopping abruptly, he tugs me to him until I’m once again in the warm circle of his arms. His lips descend before murmuring, “The real question is can you?”

  Well… the rink is closed to the public for another thirty minutes…

  “I don’t know,” I whisper as his lips stroke gently over mine. “I really want you.”

  The tip of his tongue dances across my lips before slipping inside and mingling with my own. A soft groan fills the silent rink. I’m pretty sure it came from me. How many weeks has it been since I’ve felt him sliding deep inside me?

  Way too long.

  “We can go in the office.”

  Oh, it’s so tempting…

  But a quickie isn’t what I’m looking for right now. Finally I shake my head. “No. Once I get you naked, you aren’t going to be putting your clothes back on for a while. Let’s just head back to your house.”

  A wicked gleam fills his eyes. “I like the way you think, baby. Let’s go.”

  And then he’s back to dragging me off the ice. We make quick work of shedding our skates and other hockey gear before shoving it all into our bags. With my hand in his, we literally sprint out of the rink. The ride to his place takes about ten minutes and I can’t keep my hands off him.

  By the time he parks his Mustang in front of the old
Victorian house he shares with five other guys from the hockey team, I just want to rip the clothes right off his body. I’m thinking he feels the same way since his fingers are already slipping under my shirt as we race up the stairs to the porch before barging through the front door. It bursts open and then reverberates on its hinges as Cole slams it shut again. And then we’re taking off for the staircase. We’re both laughing so hard, our fingers grasping at one another. I think if he could throw me over his shoulder right now, he would.

  And I’m not saying that I wouldn’t enjoy it either.

  Because that is one hell of a sexy visual.

  “Hey, Cole, I’m glad you’re back-”

  Barely pausing in our frantic flight, we both glance at Alex who is standing in living room wearing a pair of boxers with… I have to squint… half peeled bananas on them and absolutely nothing else. His hair is askew, sticking up at all different angles like he just rolled out of bed. Which he probably did because it’s just about six o’clock in the morning. The look on his face would be hilarious if I could actually stop and appreciate it. But I can’t because I’m way too jacked up at the moment. Apparently Cole feels the same way.

  “Not now,” he yells over his shoulder as he continues yanking me up the staircase that leads to the second floor. “Probably not for a while. Anyone bothers us, they’re dead. Got it?”

  “Oh, I got it.”

  Even though I don’t turn around to look at him, I can all but hear the humor simmering in Alex’s deep voice. Yep, he knows exactly what’s going on.

  Well, what will very soon be going on…

  And you know what?

  I don’t give a damn who knows or hears us. I’m sure I’ll care later. But right now, I just want to feel Cole’s hands sliding over me. I want to feel the weight of his big gorgeous body settling on top of mine. It’s been way too long.

  Once he turns the lock on his bedroom door, he literally pounces, quickly catching me around the waist. When he holds me up by the seat of my yoga pants, I wrap my legs around his waist. He growls as I shamelessly grind myself against him before his lips are crashing down on mine. And gentle, they are not. But I’m totally good with it.