by L. D. Davis
When I got to Eric’s office, a receptionist had me fill out paperwork for my chart. When I offered my insurance cards, she waved them away, stating that Eric said not to charge me, which was ridiculous because I could more than afford it.
I sat down in the waiting room. Only one other person was there, a very pregnant woman in a sundress and flip-flops. Her eyes surreptitiously fell on me a few times before she finally said something.
“Is this your first baby?”
“What?” I stared at her, confused.
“How far are you?”
“How far?” I turned my head like a confused puppy and then it dawned on me. “Oh! I’m not pregnant,” I laughed. “Doctor Jonson is my brother-in-law.”
“Oh,” her eyes fell on my belly fat. “I am so sorry for assuming…”
I really needed to get to the gym…
The nurse appeared in the doorway and called me back. I gave the pregnant woman a small smile and hurried after the nurse. She did my vitals, asked me some questions, and then left me alone in the examination room to wait for Eric.
I hated going to the regular doctor, but especially hated the gynecologist. Even though I knew Eric wasn’t going near that area, just the sight of the stirrups and anatomically correct pictures on the wall was enough to make me uncomfortable. By the time Eric came in, I was ready to run.
“Okay, Emmy,” he said and sat down on a stool across from me and asked me to repeat my symptoms. He asked me about work and if I had anything, besides my mother, in my personal life that could be a stressor.
I wasn’t sure how to answer. My relationship with Kyle was always a point of stress for me, but I couldn’t tell Eric that, could I?
“Am I protected under doctor patient confidentiality?” I asked in a small voice.
“Absolutely. Anything you say to me may go in your chart, but I can’t go tell Sam or Lucy or anyone else.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“I’ve been having an affair with my boss,”
“The dick?” He sounded so shocked, that I opened my eyes to look at him.
“Yeah, that’s the one. It’s been going on for almost a year I guess. He’s had a serious girlfriend the entire time. My relationship with Luke ended because of my relationship with Kyle. Would you say those are stressors?”
He ran a hand over his head, speechless for a moment. “I would say so,” he answered finally.
“So the flutters could be anxiety and stress,”
“Possibly. We’ll run a few tests to rule out other things,” he stood up and took out a cup wrapped in plastic.
“You want me to pee in the cup,” I said flatly.
“Yes, please, if you can.”
“Ew, you’re going to see my pee,” I laughed and took the cup from him.
As it turned out, I had no trouble peeing. I returned minutes later and placed the cup on the counter. His nurse had returned.
“I will be back in a little while,” Eric said and left me alone with the nurse, who had nothing to say.
She hummed at the counter while testing my urine, for what, I didn’t know. When she left, she took the tests with her. Eric didn’t return for another twenty minutes.
“Sorry, Em.” He flipped open my chart. “Em, when did you say your last period was?”
“I don’t know. A few months ago,” I answered, growing nervous.
“Is that normal for you? To skip months at a time?”
“Since I was a kid, yeah. Why? Do I have some form of cancer?” I asked as paranoia began to take over.
Ignoring my questions, he asked “Are you on any kind of birth control?”
“I take the pill. Why?” I asked again. “Do I need to switch it up?”
“Do you ever miss a dose?”
“I was a little stressed out over the summer, so I missed a few here and there, but I always doubled up. Will you tell me what’s going on already?” I chuckled nervously.
“Your pregnancy test—”
“Whoa!” I held up my hands. “You gave me a pregnancy test?”
“Yes, and it came back positive.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
It was late afternoon when I pulled up in front of the family house. I sat in the car a moment, counting. Again.
I forced myself out of the car, numbers flying through my head, and by the time I plopped down on a chair on the expansive porch, I had reached the same dates I had reached the forty other times I counted that day. The door opened, and my mom stepped outside, the scents of a home cooked meal wafting out behind her.
“Where have you been? Eric said you left his office around ten.”
In response, my arm extended towards her. My hand reluctantly and painfully un-clutched the paper I was holding. I heard a sharp intake of breath as she took in what she was holding. I couldn’t look at her, I could only look straight ahead at the yard, at the weeping willows swaying in the warm breeze. She sat down beside me, held my hand, and touched my face.
“It’s going to be fine,” she said softly.
“I did the math,” I said, looking at her finally. Tears filled my eyes. “Luke hates me, Mom, and I don’t know how Kyle is going to feel about raising someone else’s kid.”
There. I put it out there, even though I was sure she already knew about my two-timing ways.
“Luke doesn’t hate you, honey.”
“Yes, he does, and I don’t blame him.”
“Emmy,” she said firmly. “Luke does not hate you.” She said it with such assurance, I suddenly became suspicious.
“How do you know?” I whispered. “You know something and you’re not telling me.”
She sighed and stared at the floor for a moment, as if she was thinking about how to tell me something, which bothered me. My mom was so blunt and never had a filter, so I couldn’t imagine what would make her hesitate to open her big mouth.
“I talk to him every now and then,” she said, with another sigh.
“You what?” I started to stand up, but she firmly pushed me back down.
“You two broke up, and I was honestly really concerned for his sister Lena, you know because of the cancer.”
After my trip to Chicago with Luke, my mom went out of her way to introduce herself to Luke’s family. I mean she really went out of her way. It started with phone calls and letters, and when Luke and I went again for just a long weekend, my mom tagged along. She charmed his parents, gained the trust and admiration of his sisters, and wooed the children with gifts and her grandmotherly ways. When I told her we broke up and that Luke didn’t want any contact between the families, I thought she had ceased speaking to them. Apparently I was wrong.
“Wait. You were allowed to have communication with his family, but I wasn’t?” The idea hurt me to the core. It was like I was being cut off from my own mother in a way, and of course I had really fallen in love with his family. I had never quite gotten over losing them.
“Not at first. He wouldn’t tell me what happened, but you know I already knew. I’m old, but not stupid,” she gave me a knowing look. “I had to promise not to tell you, and I had a big problem with that, but then…” she suddenly looked so sad. “You’re never here. You barely call anymore, so I didn’t see where I would really have the opportunity to tell you anyway, and the truth is I really couldn’t turn my back on that family.”
I blinked back my tears, knowing that she was right. I sucked at being a daughter, just as badly as I had sucked at being a good girlfriend to Luke, especially when he was going through so much. I wanted to be angry, but I couldn’t find it in myself to be angry when I knew that my mom was doing what she did best when her stupid mouth wasn’t in the way, caring for other people and their needs.
“Is Lena…” I couldn’t bring myself to ask the question.
“She’s doing as well as we can hope for. Their father passed away last month. Your dad and I flew up there for the services, helped pay for some of the expenses.”
“That’s so sad.” I felt bad for Luke and wished that I could have been in my mom’s position to go see and comfort him. “So, how do you know he doesn’t hate me?”
Again, she looked as if she didn’t want to release some information to me. Guardedly, she said, “He’s hurting, and he’s sometimes bitter, but never hateful. It’s going to take some time.”
“Mom, you can’t tell him.” I squeezed her hands. “You’re still holding secrets from me and I’m your kid. You have to keep this from him.”
“Why don’t you want him to know?”
“I don’t think that it will help anything right now. Mom, please!”
“Okay…” She was reluctant to withhold the information from him.
“Besides, until there’s some DNA testing done, we can’t know for sure. You can always use that as an excuse if it comes up later.”
“I won’t say anything, Emmy,” she sighed. “But why are you so sure it’s his?”
“According to the ultra sound, I’m fourteen weeks. Eric said he can’t be one-hundred percent sure, but the conception probably occurred in the third week of August. That means I had to have had sex within a week before that.”
“Okay,” Mom said slowly, trying to follow along. “So?”
“So, I didn’t have sex with Kyle within that window of time. I had sex with him earlier in the month, but then I got my period half way through the second week. I remember because I got it while I was at one of Jerry’s games with Donya and had to get a tampon from a complete stranger. It was a complete, seven day, pain in the ass period, so I know I wasn’t pregnant then. After that, Kyle and I saw each other, but we didn’t have that kind of sex. Luke and I, however, did have that kind of sex a couple of times before he left. I didn’t have sex with Kyle again until sometime in September because I was so miserable about what happened with Luke. So, it’s possible that the baby is Kyle’s, but highly unlikely.”
After that long explanation of how I knew who the baby’s father was and was not, I had never felt as slutty as I did then.
My mom nodded her understanding, but for once she wasn’t telling me exactly what she thought of me, but I could see it in her face. She thought I was a slut, too.
“How did I get myself into this mess, Mom?” I asked as tears slid down my face.
She gave me a sympathetic look and wiped my tears with her fingers. “Honey, there are so many missteps here,” she said, not unkindly. “You have always been really good at stepping into a pile of shit and not realizing it until you were neck deep.”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed through my tears at that while she kissed my hair.
“Promise me again you won’t tell Luke,” I said to her.
She sighed. “He deserves to know,” she said. “But I promise I won’t tell Luke.”
“Thanks,” I stood up, wiping away my tears. “I’m going to go pack.”
“You want your ultra sound picture?” Mom offered it to me.
I looked at and shook my head. “No.”
I dragged myself upstairs to my room and threw myself onto the bed. I should have felt better after the conversation with my mom, but I felt worse. I felt as if I had thousands of pounds of weight sitting on my chest. I couldn’t find an ounce of happiness about the situation. I wasn’t sure what it meant for Kyle and me, and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do in a few months when the baby was born.
Would I be waiting around for Kyle to leave Jess still, while caring for a baby? Or would I be alone, with no father around at all? I knew there were single parents in the world, but I never ever thought that I had whatever they had inside of them to do it. I wasn’t even sure if I would be a decent parent with a father in the picture. I felt that no matter what, I was going to fail. I mean I couldn’t even figure out I was pregnant! How was I going to raise a child?
If I had paid attention to my symptoms, I probably would have figured it out sooner. What I thought was an extended case of a stomach virus soon after Luke’s departure was probably morning sickness. The morning sickness slowed down, but at least once a day I had the urge to vomit. I thought it was anxiety, as well as the fluttering in my belly. The fatigue I had been feeling, I thought was a result of the busy season at work. My sudden extreme interest in bacon and cheese curls should have been a clue, but I didn’t think it was weird at all.
While my face and hips had definitely gathered some extra weight, I thought my slightly rounded face was attractive and as for my hips, I thought maybe I had to cool it on the bacon; however, the fact that the weight sat mostly at my midline didn’t even hint to me that there could be something growing in there. I figured when the busy season was over, I would spend more time at the gym, and cover up in bigger clothes until then.
I was so freaking stupid.
And I was going to be someone’s mother.
***
Kyle returned from Fiji late Sunday night. He dropped the succubus off and then came straight to my house. I wasn’t expecting to see him until work the following morning, and he didn’t text or call to let me know he was coming. I was lying on the living room couch, with the television on, absent-mindedly rubbing my belly.
The fluttering had begun again, and now I knew it wasn’t anxiety, but fetal movement. I didn’t even hear the door open, and I wasn’t sure how long he watched me before softly saying my name.
Automatically, my hand flew away from my belly and my head snapped back to look at him standing in the entranceway. I tried to sit up, but learned I couldn’t do that as quickly and easily as I had in the past. How did I not notice these things before?
“I wasn’t expecting you,” I said.
“I know.” He stared at my stomach.
One thing Kyle was not, was stupid. Where some men would probably think that I had a stomachache or ate too much, I could almost see Kyle’s thoughts. He knew, and I didn’t have to break the news to him.
He stood where I found him, staring at me, and I stared back. Either of us knew what to say. After several uncomfortable seconds had passed, I finally spoke, to break the ice.
“A pretty good number of girls in my family are pregnant or just recently had a baby. I didn’t know it was really contagious.”
“It’s like the fart touch,” he said, and finally we had an open dialogue for this momentous conversation.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“It doesn’t matter to me. I already love this baby like my own, and we’re going to raise him together, as a family,” Kyle had said the night he returned from Fiji and found out I was pregnant.
I had suggested a DNA test and explained why, but he had objected. He was disturbingly excited about the news, and started chattering about all kinds of plans for our expected child. I couldn’t take it anymore and cut him off.
“Yeah, you know we’re going to have a great time,” I said with over the top enthusiasm. “You, me, the baby, and Jessyca.”
He bit his lip, glaring at me as if I had just said the most offensive thing in the world.
“Give me some credit, Em, will you? Jessyca isn’t going to have anything to do with our family.”
“I really want to believe that, but I’ve been an idiot for all of this time,” I said.
“Here we go,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air. “You know why things have had to be this way.”
“That does not make it okay!” I banged my fist on the table, making the plate holding my hot bacon rattle. I took a deep breath, and a piece of bacon. “My point is I have a hard time believing you’re going to do what you say you’re going to do, and I don’t know if I want to wait for it to happen.”
“So, what…you’re just going to cut me out of your life?” he asked bitterly.
“I would rather be alone, depending on no one, than to depend on someone who is clearly undependable.”
“You’ve given up on me—on us.” It was not a question, but a well-placed guess.
“Every day that I have to share you with Je
ss, I lose more and more of myself. I’m so knotted up inside from this relationship, Kyle, I’m not sure if it can ever be fixed.”
He stared at me stupidly, speechless.
“You get so pissed off when I make comments about your lack of action,” I said. “But that’s really not fair. I’m the one who should be pissed off, and if I were the old Emmy, I wouldn’t be standing here with you, like at all. You don’t understand, Kyle, you are breaking me.” I choked on the last few words, unable to hold back the onslaught of tears and sobs.
Stupid hormones.
He held me for a long time, murmuring empty promises into my hair, begging for my patience and understanding, and insisting that the triangle would soon be dissolved and we would be able to get on with our lives. I know that he believed what he was saying, and that he really thought that things were going to change, but I didn’t have any faith in his words, and it was harder to admit the truth than to delude myself.
A week passed, two weeks, and then finally a month. It was almost New Years and nothing had changed. Kyle said he was trying to settle some business before he severed his relationship with Jess. From a business perspective, I understood, I really did. From a personal perspective, though, I simply saw it as another delay, another link in the chain that kept me bound to him.
I didn’t visit my parents for Christmas because I had plans with Kyle, which he significantly altered at the last minute. I didn’t bother to make New Year’s plans with him, and instead tried to make plans with my parents, but they were going to Chicago. I wasn’t supposed to know about it, but my mom let it slip during conversation. She offered to stay home or to come see me so I wouldn’t be alone, but I lied to her, telling her I wouldn’t be alone, that I would be okay.
I was feeling more and more depressed about my situation and I thought of Luke a lot more than I ever had in the past. I wondered if there would ever be a day when I didn’t think of him, now that I was going to have his flesh and blood with me for the rest of my life. I was losing sleep, this time with actual anxiety, not just the fluttering of the active child growing inside of me. My appetite was lacking, bacon and cheese curls weren’t even doing it for me anymore. When I should have been gaining a little bit of weight, I was dropping it.
