by L. D. Davis
“Well, it don’t matter, I guess,” she said, shrugging. “You have Jerry now. I’m sure he’ll end your dry spell.”
Sam left the room, leaving me alone at the table with a fury ridden Emmet. A moment later, she turned the kitchen radio on to some oldies station. The music was loud. Elvis Presley was singing “Hound Dog.” It was a personal favorite of Sam’s. I imagined her absently singing along to the song in her frilly apron as she cleaned up.
Emmet made no effort to disguise his emotions once we were alone. The cord between us was hot with his anger, making my chest burn. His eyes were blazing emerald orbs that scorched me through and through. When he spoke, his words were dipped in venom.
“So, you’re Jerry Vasquez’s groupie of the month,” he said tacitly. “There is a whole league of women like you, following him around with doting eyes, accepting his fancy gifts and laughing at his pompous humor… spreading their legs. By the time the season starts he will have moved on to the next brainless, pretty girl. So, you should suck up as much time as you can get with him.” He held up his glass of water, as if toasting to that.
I was shocked into silence. I don’t think I had ever been so hurt by anything Emmet had ever said to me. I didn’t think it was possible for him to hurt me more with his words. I was wrong.
“You’ve lowered your standards and now you’re spoiled goods,” Emmet said with a shrug. Then he laughed, a hard, humorless, nasty laugh. “You’re as good as his whore.”
My water glass was flying across the table before I even realized I had picked it up. Emmet ducked gracefully from the blow of the glass, but water had splashed on his face and clothes. The glass shattered on the floor behind him.
The Supremes were singing on the radio in the kitchen now, and covered the sound of the shattering glass with “You Can’t Hurry Love.” Emmet’s looked at the glass on the floor, and then his eyes narrowed on mine. I could barely see him through the tears that had formed in my eyes.
I got up from the table and started for the door.
“Go ahead and run away,” Emmet called after me. “You’ve always been particularly good at that. I’ll bet Jerry doesn’t chase you. You’re so easily replaceable, why bother.”
I continued out the door, hurried past the kitchen before Sam could see my tears, hurried through the living room and out the front door so that Fred and Jerry wouldn’t see me as they were leaving.
I dashed out into the cool twilight and halted. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t even know what I was doing outside. I was only aware of the pain and anger I felt and my desire to get away from Emmet. It was equal to my desire to run to Emmet, and I swallowed a frustrated scream at the absurdity of it all.
I felt him closing in on me, but I didn’t know where to go, so I just stood there and waited.
“Why did you bring him here?” Emmet asked a couple of feet behind me.
“Had I known you were going to be here, we wouldn’t have come,” I snapped over my shoulder. Then I spun around to face him. My attention was momentarily drawn to Fred’s truck driving away down the road.
“Can you feel him leaving?” Emmet asked with a quiet harshness. “Do you feel connected to him? Or is your connection simply physical.”
“I didn’t act like an ass when you brought Laura here,” I said to him as I wiped angrily at my tears. I was especially angry at myself for crying.
“You were the one who couldn’t be bothered to make the time for a boyfriend,” Emmet snapped, taking a step closer to me. “I was within my right to be with her and to bring her here. I wasn’t the one who threw us away. That was you. Besides, you had become notorious for saying you were going to be someplace and then not show up. I didn’t think you would make the time to come down here when you could be somewhere inflating your ego for a few dollars.”
I sucked in a breath and balled my fists at my sides. “So, did you expect me to save myself for you all of these years? Is that what you thought, Emmet? That I would be this tragic girl, pining after the very person she pushed away, and unable to be with anyone else?”
“It would have been what you deserved,” he said icily.
He may as well had lain me down in the grass and stomped on my chest, because that was how much it hurt. I stared at him through my tears like he was a stranger. I had no idea who this Emmet was.
“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” I said with as much steel as I could gather in my tone. “I did pine for you, and it was tragic, but I didn’t save myself for you. After that weekend you brought home that idiot woman, I went back to New Jersey and fucked Benjamin Munn that very night.”
I must have been losing my mind, because when I saw the hard lines in Emmet’s face grow harder and his eyes widen and felt the pain it caused him, I smiled through my tears and continued.
“I fucked him twice that night, and when he was able to produce proof that he was clean a couple of weeks later, I fucked him raw and sucked his dick.”
I blinked and Emmet was on me. He meant to grab my shoulders, but surprised by his sudden movement and the absolute hatred I felt coming from him, I had tried to bolt, but I tripped over my own feet and his and fell backward. Emmet fell with me, landing on me hard and knocking the wind out of me. His face was in mine, nose to nose as he gripped my shoulders and shook me violently. Nat King Cole’s voice was faint from inside the house, but I could still hear him singing “When I Fall in Love.”
“I loved you!” Emmet shouted. “I was ready to give up my whole fucking life for you and you fucking denied me! But you spread your legs for Benny like a common slut! You didn’t have time for me—me! The one who was always willing to give up anything for you and now you’re with this fucker? What is he going to ever give up for you! He’ll never give up anything for you!”
“Get the fuck off of me!” I yelled and thrashed to try to throw him off of me. My arms were pinned down by the weight of his body and he was not budging even though I was trying my hardest.
“But you’ll give something up for him, won’t you?” Emmet snarled. Roughly, he pushed a hand between us and shoved his hand up my skirt until his hand was pressed against my sex.
“Emmet!” I screeched. “Stop it!”
He removed his hand, but he did not get off of me.
“Why did you bring him here?” Emmet demanded again.
“Get off of me,” I said firmly even though my voice was thick with tears. “Go back to Florida and go ‘embrace your future’ with Casey.”
He paused and stared down at me as if he just remembered that Casey even existed.
“You didn’t think I knew?” I almost laughed. “You really do think I’m brainless. Get the fuck off of me. Now!”
Reluctantly, Emmet finally got off of me and got to his feet. He stared down at me as I lay there trying to catch my breath as I blinked up at the sky. In the last several minutes, night had fallen over us.
After a minute, I pushed myself off of the ground, ignoring the bruises I felt forming on my back and the aching in my head from when it hit the ground. I knew I had dirt and grass in my hair and on my clothes and my legs and arms, but I didn’t care. I was completely devastated by the things that had transpired since the moment Sam left me alone with Emmet. My heart was shattered and a large part of me was dying, and my god did it hurt. All of the pain I had felt in the past was overshadowed. This pain eclipsed all.
I felt Emmet’s sorrow, his regret, and a bit of concern, but I mostly felt his anger and pain. It had not diminished much, and by the way he was breathing heavily and glaring at me, it wasn’t going to fade anytime soon.
There were no words left to say. If Emmet had taken me into his arms and asked me to leave Jerry for him, I would have given in. I would have finished up the jobs I already had scheduled and I would have given Emmet my everything. But Emmet didn’t do that. Emmet had become a monster, and until I experienced it for myself, I would have never believed it. My Emmet was gone.
I started to walk around
him to go into the house, but I must have hurt my knee when I fell, because it hurt like a bitch, but I didn’t stop walking. I went inside and managed to avoid Sam. In a state of shock, I moved about my room, getting clothes and toiletries before making my way to the bathroom. On my way, I heard Sam bitching about the shattered glass and Emmet snapping at her. I turned on the shower as hot as I could stand it, stripped, and got inside.
Not until I was under the heated spray did my shock begin to wear off. I stuffed my fist into my mouth to quiet my cries of disbelief and agony. I bit down so hard that blood seeped slowly out of my knuckles. I knew I’d never be okay again.
I felt Emmet leave, and I hated how the stretching of the twisted, rotting cord felt in my chest.
When I finally came out of the shower a half hour later, I took off the bracelet that had been with me all of those years. I went into Emmy’s room and dug an envelope out of the small desk in there. I hastily addressed the envelope to Emmet’s home address and dropped the bracelet inside. I dug around until I found some old stamps and though I probably over did it, I smacked all of them on there.
I put on some clothes and flip flops, ignored Sam’s line of questioning, took the keys to my rental and took off at a high speed down the dirt road. I sped into town to the small post office there. Leaving the engine running, I got out and walked up to the blue mailbox for outgoing mail. Without any hesitation, I dropped the envelope in the box.
I couldn’t sever that fucking cord, but that was as close as I was going to get to doing so.
I got back into the car and started back to the house, banishing any more fantasies about a life with Emmet Grayne.
Chapter Forty-Six
I sat at the little kitchen table with my knees pulled up to my chest, sipping a cup of hot tea and peering at Jerry over the rim of the mug. His skin was a toasty brown from hours and days spent in the sun playing baseball. His hair was cut short, but when he let it grow out a little bit during spring training, the waves were silky smooth to the touch. He had the body of an elite athlete, strong, muscular legs, tight, rippling abdomen, firm pectorals and powerful arms.
I liked his body, especially when it was on mine, but that wasn’t my favorite thing about Jerry’s appearance. My favorite thing was his long eyelashes. They were abnormally long and thick, making his gray eyes irresistible when he really wanted to use them on me.
“I feel you staring at me,” Jerry said. He was reading the newspaper, but his eyes had shifted to me when he spoke.
“I’m staring at your pretty eyelashes,” I said with a smile.
The paper dropped to the table and he looked at me incredulously. “Did you just call me pretty, princess?”
“No, I called your eyelashes pretty.”
“Do they make my eyes pretty, too?” he asked in a girlish manner and batted his eyes.
I giggled and said, “Your eyes are pretty all on their own.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” he said, getting to his feet. He leaned down and kissed both of my eyes. “Your eyelashes are pretty too.”
He carried his empty plate and mug into the kitchen and put them in the sink. I put my tea down and unfolded myself from the chair so that I could give him a proper goodbye.
“I’ll see you in two days,” Jerry said, putting his hands on my hips.
I shook my head. “No, you will see me in ten days.”
“Ten? I have a double header in Oakland and then I’ll be home.”
“I am leaving for Japan late tomorrow morning and then I’m going to India and won’t be home until next Sunday. Did you forget?”
“I did,” he said, frowning. “Then I guess it will be twelve days before I see you because—”
“You have a game next Sunday in Houston,” I finished his sentence and nodded.
“For someone who still doesn’t know what an RBI is, you know my schedule pretty well,” he said with a grin.
“You would think that after dating you for so long that I would know what an RBI is, but…” I shrugged. “I still don’t follow much lacrosse.”
“It’s a good thing you’re adorable,” he said and kissed a corner of my mouth. His smile faded, however, until it had turned upside down.
“Why are you frowning?” I asked as I poked gently at his mouth.
“When we first met I told you that I didn’t get serious with women because they couldn’t handle my schedule,” he said quietly.
“Yes, I remember.”
“You have handled our scheduling conflicts like a champ.”
“So have you,” I said, putting my hands on his chest.
He took one of my hands into his and held it against his chest over his heart. His expression was one of utmost seriousness.
“I don’t want any more scheduling conflicts,” he said gruffly. “I now understand how those women must have felt, if they felt even half for me that I feel for you. I always thought that I would be okay with things the way they have been these past eight months, but I’m not okay anymore.” He pulled my body flush against his. “I love you.”
I sucked in a breath. That was the first time he had said it. It had always been implied in his actions and words but never said outright. He had tried to be aloof and pretend that he wasn’t as attached to me as he really was, but I knew that he was. I had kept quiet about it and played along. I didn’t want to push or be pushed into something we weren’t ready for.
I loved him too, though my love for him would never be like my love for Emmet. The two were in two different dimensions. I couldn’t even begin to compare one with the other, but I left Emmet out of my feelings for Jerry, because that just was not fair to Jerry or me.
“I know,” I finally breathed with a smirk.
He laughed softly. “That wasn’t what I was expecting to hear.”
“I don’t know what you were expecting,” I said nonchalantly.
“Oh, I think you know, and you better say it to me before I walk out that door.”
“Or what?” I challenged.
“I’ll ask Sam to be here when you get back.”
“No need to be cruel,” I admonished. “Fine. You win. I love you. There. Are you happy now?”
“Say it like you mean it,” he commanded softly.
“I love you,” I said slowly.
“I know.” He kissed me, long and sweet and then left.
On my way to Japan the next day, since I had nothing else to do during the long flight, I thought about Jerry and me and wondered what was next for us. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to happen. He said he didn’t want any more schedule conflicts, but I wasn’t sure what that meant. I truly doubted he was going to quit playing baseball, but did he expect me to quit modeling?
My belief many years ago that my career would fizzle out by the time I was twenty-six or so was wrong. I was going to be twenty-eight in a few days and amazingly, work was practically falling into my lap. I still got booked for incredible shows and I was still very much in demand. I had staying power. While that made me feel very good about myself, as I got older, I decidedly wanted more out of life. I was growing anxious for a life that didn’t have me on an airplane every other week. I was ready to settle down, but I didn’t want to make my decision based on what Jerry wanted. I had to do what I wanted to do because I wanted to do it, not because he thought I should do it.
My shoot in Japan had gone very well and the photographer was one of my favorites, but I had overheard a couple of people discussing a model who was only a little older than me. Suzie had been very successful when she was younger, but at twenty-nine, she was barely touched in the industry. Something about her stopped appealing to the powers that be. The common reason I tended to hear from others was that she was just too old, but there were models older than her still working their magic.
However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that was the problem. Suzie lost her magic. She grew tired and weary and frustrated, and instead of bowing out before her career consu
med her, she hung in. The very things that had made her amazing at what she did diminished because her heart wasn’t in it. Instead of retiring with the respect of the industry, they figuratively kicked her into the gutter. I didn’t know if it bothered Suzie, but I thought if that happened to me, it would bother me. I had worked hard over the years, and made colossal sacrifices. I would be damned if I was going to go out like that.
I had several credits under my belt from taking online college courses over the years. I only had about a year and a half left of schooling, but I would have to physically go to classes. Once I finished, I could start a whole new career if I wanted to. I had plenty of money to support myself while I completed my education. I could leave the business before I lost my own magic, and make my years of work and sacrifices mean something. I wasn’t sure where Jerry would fit in with my changes, but one thing was for sure, our schedule conflicts would be at a minimum.
I called Emmy before I even left the beach where the shoot was, so that I could talk to her about it. I hadn’t spoken to her in a couple of weeks other than some text messages. The first thing she did was wish me a happy birthday. I had forgotten about my birthday by the time I landed in Japan. It was ironic that I was considering making such a drastic change on the day that I had forgotten was my birthday.
I told Emmy about Suzie and told her I thought I was ready to wrap it up.
“I want to quit while I'm still good at what I do,” I told her. “I don't want to be a washed up has been.”
“You lead such a fabulous life though,” Emmy said. I could hear the trace of doubt in her voice.
“I lead a lonely life,” I admitted.
Traveling alone all of those years was beginning to take its toll, and even though Jerry and I saw each other as much as possible, we spent more time apart than together. Since Emmy left college and started working in the real world, she didn’t travel with me much, so most of the time I was completely alone.
“I want to have a somewhat normal life. I want a family, a permanent home and a minivan.”
