by L. D. Davis
Nibbling on my thumbnail with raw nerves, I thought about what Tack would do. My brother would hold me tight and tell me everything will be okay, but then he’d give me a piece of good advice.
I managed a small smile. “He would tell me to pull my shit together,” I said and sat up straight. I inhaled deeply and let it out fast. “So, I’m going to pull my shit together.”
And I did just that. I took a few deep breaths under Leo’s watchful eyes. I was still shaking a little and chewing on the tip of my thumb when I sat back on the couch, but Leo didn’t comment on it.
“The whole night is all kinds of screwed up,” I said quietly, as I stared ahead at the blank television. “And this is going to sound really stupid, but one of the worse things about tonight is that Rico was my first kiss. It wasn’t at all how I imagined my first kiss would be, and maybe the writer in me is just a little too dreamy, but I’m kind of pissed off that I will always see his face when I think of all of the firsts I’ve had and will have.”
Leo cleared his throat and I felt him shift on the couch beside me. “Well, it could have been a worst kind of first,” he said softly.
I let out a small, humorless laugh. “Yeah. You’re right.”
We sat silently for a couple of minutes. Leo shifted again and threw an arm across the back of the couch behind me. I became hyper-aware of how close he was to me. Our thighs were touching and my shoulder and arm were against his side.
“I can…erase it, I mean…” Leo paused and then his voice dropped an octave. “I can give you another memory so that when you think of tonight, you’ll think of something…better.”
My head swung in his direction, confusion written all over my face. “What are you talking about? The only good memory I’ll have of tonight is watching you cry like a little girl when I poured peroxide on your hand.”
He grinned, but it was brief. His face grew serious and his eyes dropped to my lips. I inhaled sharply, dropping my hand away from my mouth. My fingers curled into fists in my lap. He pulled a corner of his bottom lip between his teeth and now I was looking at his mouth. I was about to look away when his tongue swept over his lips. Dear god, I couldn’t look away, even though it was so wrong. So, very, very wrong; I couldn’t look away.
Leo’s arm slid down the couch and landed gently across my shoulders. His fingers lightly gripped my shoulder as he leaned in close to me. My heart felt like it was going to cut its way out of my chest. He was going to kiss me, I was sure of it. His mouth was so close to mine that I could feel his breath on my lips.
If Leo kissed me, I would have to tell Leslie, and then what would become of our friendship? She would hate me forever. I had a traumatic night and my decision-making was poor at best. My attraction to Leo was…maybe it wasn’t real. I was only fourteen and clearly, after disobeying my brother and going to Rico’s, I was unable to make sound decisions. I had a code to adhere to, but besides that, Leslie was my best friend. With or without girl code, my lips should not be centimeters from her boyfriend’s, regardless of who started it or why it was happening. I was the worst kind of friend.
I put my hand on Leo’s chest and pushed him.
“Dude, personal space!” I said and pushed him again.
Surprise, disappointment, and maybe pain flashed on his face for merely a second before his naturally cocky grin took over.
“The closer I am to you, the more of my awesomeness you get to experience.”
“I think you confused that with lameness,” I said, rolling my eyes. I got to my feet and said, “Thank you for being my knight in shining armor tonight, but get out.”
He leisurely got to his feet, still sporting that grin. “You love me.”
“We had this discussion before,” I said, crossing my arms. “I don’t like you.”
“Oh, come on.” He walked around the couch toward the stairs. “Behind Leslie, I’m totally your best friend.”
I shrugged. “Doesn’t mean that I like you.”
“But I am your second best friend,” he said pointedly and laughed softly.
“Which just goes to show what a loser I am. I need more friends.”
He laughed again and I tried not to smile. “Okay, Tacky. Goodnight, best buddy. I’ll lock the door behind me.”
“Thanks, jerk face.”
“Watch your mouth, little girl,” he said.
Still grinning, Leo nodded once at me and then disappeared up the stairs. A few seconds later, the door opened and closed. I collapsed on the couch.
Second Disaster of the night: Averted.
Chapter Four
“It’s hot. I hate the sand. Why does there have to be sand?” my cousin Mayson complained.
Her parents had rented a small house a block away from the beach for two weeks after school let out for the summer. It was an annual thing and I had a standing invitation. Our cousin Emmy and her family also had an annual trip to the beach before their seasonal trek to Louisiana, and we were walking the boardwalk to go meet her and her best friend Donya.
“What’s a beach without sand?” I asked Mayson, looking at the stretch of sand between the boardwalk and the sea.
“A rocky beach would be better,” she said. “No sand between your toes or in your crotch. I hate a sandy vagina.”
I shook my head but couldn’t stop my smile. Mayson was a year younger than me, but she said things that made experienced adults blush sometimes. I didn’t point out to her that we weren’t even in the sand—hadn’t even touched the sand yet.
“Hey, there’s Emmet,” Mayson pointed in front of us.
Emmy’s brother Emmet was strolling down the boardwalk in our direction.
“I swear, if he weren’t my cousin, I’d totally jump on him,” Mayson muttered as we neared the guys.
“I’m sure it’s legal somewhere in the country,” I teased.
“Hey,” Emmet said when we were a few feet away.
“Hey,” Mayson and I answered. Standing in front of him, I appreciated his green eyes and athletic body, but I had no incestuous desires like my cousin. Like Tack, Emmet was a jock, but his personality was a little less aggressive than my brother’s.
“You two staying out of trouble?” Emmet asked after he had given us each a hug.
“Tabitha is a boring, safe, good kind of girl,” Mayson said. “Of course, she’s staying out of trouble. You know I rather enjoy trouble, cousin.”
If she had only known about the “trouble” I had gotten into during the winter with Rico, maybe she would have thought differently about her “safe, good kind of girl” cousin. I never told her about it, though. I told Leslie because she was my best friend, and I didn’t want to hide Leo’s involvement, either. I didn’t like to keep any secrets from her, but there was a lot I didn’t tell her. I didn’t tell her how Leo had touched my face that night, or my ridiculous impulse to kiss him, or the current that crackled between he and I while I bandaged his hand. I especially didn’t tell her that he maybe almost kissed me that night. I wouldn’t have had an explanation for any of it—I still had no explanation for his need to play my hero that night. Some things, especially the things that I could barely comprehend myself, were better left unsaid.
We spoke to Emmet for a little longer. He told us where he last saw Emmy and Donya and then we parted ways. It wasn’t long before we spotted the girls a little bit down the boardwalk. Emmy was walking alongside Donya, who was riding a skateboard. She was the only girl I knew that not only liked to skateboard, but could board as good as the boys. We caught up with them easily, and it wasn’t long before Leo and Leslie joined us. I was expecting Leslie because she had told me the day before that her parents were planning to go to the beach for just the day, but I wasn’t expecting Leo. Last I knew, he was staying home and hanging out with my brother and a few other guys from school, but it really wasn’t unusual to run into half the people you knew in Wildwood during the summers.
Since the night of Rico’s party, my relationship with Leo had grow
n. He still made me want to hit him, and often, but I could say without any doubt that we were friends. It was like we bonded that night or something. I couldn’t dismiss what he had done for me, even if it were extreme. I am not sure what would have happened to me that night during my walk home or even what kind of state I would have been in if I went home alone. He really was my hero that night, and he didn’t let me forget it. Once, he put me in a headlock and refused to let me out until I sang “Wind Beneath My Wings” to him.
Leo even helped me navigate my way in and out of the city for my first writing class. We got lost twice, but when it was clear, I was getting nervous. Leo had taken my hand and talked about anything and everything to take my mind off of our situation. Later, he bragged to Leslie that he had to be my Superman again and she shouldn’t have such loser best friends. In retaliation, I told my brother that Leo smacked my ass. Tack held him in a deadly headlock and made him sing “I’m A Little Teapot” until I was satisfied he had been punished sufficiently.
“I thought you were staying in town,” I said to Leo later that evening as we trailed behind a huge group of teenagers. Our group of six had more than quadrupled throughout the afternoon. I didn’t even know who more than half of the kids were. Leslie was in the middle of the cluster with a few other girls, carrying the enormous bear Leo had won for her earlier in the afternoon.
“I convinced my parents to come down a week early,” he said.
“You mean you whined and threw a temper tantrum like a little baby girl?” I asked with raised eyebrows.
“Exactly.” He grinned the way the girls loved. There had been no shortage of them throughout the day, eyeing him and trying to talk to him. Leslie always managed to chase them away, but there were still a few of the girls in our group that looked at him like they wanted to eat him.
“Did you hang out with Tack at all?” I asked and dodged a beach ball that was being thrown around. It was like a freakin’ Frankie and Annette movie but on the boardwalk.
“Yeah, a little bit,” he said distractedly. I looked over at him. His eyes were narrowed and he was biting a corner of his mouth.
“What?”
He looked at me and seemed to snap out of his thoughts. He gave me a small smile, but his brow was still furrowed.
“What?” I asked again with less patience.
He slowed his stroll significantly so that we dropped further behind the crowd. The few other stragglers passed by us and I looked at him expectantly. Obviously whatever he wanted to say he wanted to say without other ears to hear.
“Can you meet me tonight?” he asked in a low voice.
Taken aback, I automatically took a step away from him. My mouth fell slightly open in surprise and I glanced toward the crowd, looking for Leslie.
He shook his head and grabbed my arm, pulling me back to his side. “No, it’s not like that,” he said hastily. “I know you want me, but—ow!”
“Then what is it?” I demanded. “I will pinch you again if you say anything stupid.”
“Damn, okay,” he said, rubbing the small red spot on his arm where I had pinched him. “I want to talk, that’s all.”
I narrowed my eyes in confusion. “Why can’t we talk now?”
“What I want to talk about is…private,” he said carefully.
I eyed him suspiciously, but his expression was serious now.
“Okay,” I sighed. “Can I at least tell Leslie?” Leo and I were friends, but the request was strange and made me feel slightly uncomfortable.
He thought about it for a moment and then said, “You can talk to her about it afterward.”
Reluctantly, I again agreed. He told me where to meet him and when, then we caught up with the rest of the group.
It was nearly one in the morning when I met Leo on the boardwalk. It was easy to sneak out of the house. Mayson’s parents would never expect me to sneak out first of all, but they went right to bed as soon as Mayson and I got back around eleven.
“This better be good, Pesciano,” I said, pushing my hands into the front pockets of my hoodie. We were only days away from the official start of summer, but it still got cold that close to the water. “Mayson swears I’m coming out here to meet you for nefarious reasons.”
He wriggled his eyebrows. “We don’t have to disappoint her.”
The comment wasn’t even worth me taking my hands out of my pockets to hurt him. I rolled my eyes instead. “Get on with it.”
Angry shouting down the boardwalk drew our attention before he could speak. We both looked in the direction of the vaguely familiar voice just in time to see a girl slap a guy across the face for whatever it was he shouted at her. I had just realized that the girl was Donya and the guy was Emmet when she slapped him again. She pulled off a jacket and then threw it at him. Leo and I stood close together, watching with open mouths as Emmet reached for her, but she backed away from him, pointing some kind of command at him. Then she took off running down the boardwalk.
“What the hell?” I whispered, eyes wide as I watched my cousin watch her run away. “What was that about?”
Leo put his hand on the small of my back and gently nudged me forward. Even through the sweatshirt and my T-shirt I could feel the heat of his hand on my skin.
“I don’t think we were meant to see that,” Leo said somberly and guided me away.
“But—” I started, turning my head back to look at Emmet.
“Tabs, it’s none of our business,” Leo said firmly.
He was right. It wasn’t our business, but I was guessing we weren’t the only ones with secrets. I moved forward. We walked in contemplative silence for a couple of minutes until Leo was ready to talk.
“I’m not really sure how to address this,” he said quietly, looking down at his feet as we walked.
“You can just get to the point,” I suggested.
“Yeah, I guess that would be best,” he said. “Tabitha, I think Tack is on drugs.”
I started to laugh, but Leo wasn’t laughing. He was looking at me with a serious face. I hadn’t seen him look so serious since the night of Rico’s party.
“You’re kidding me, right?” I said.
“Look, I know it sounds crazy, but—”
“You’re right, it does sound crazy,” I said harshly. “So, why are you saying crazy shit?”
“I told you I hung out with him after you left to come here.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Tabitha,” Leo sighed. “We were at a party and I watched him snort coke.”
A hysterical giggle bubbled out of my lips.
Leo scowled slightly, but then looked apologetic. “I’m not saying that he’s a full on addict or anything, but I think it can become a problem. That shit is very addictive.”
“Tack smokes some weed from time to time,” I admitted. “But I don’t believe that he’s doing anything hardcore like cocaine, Leo. You must have mistaken him for someone else or didn’t see what you thought you saw.”
He dragged a hand over his face and stopped walking. I stood facing him, my face pulled into a frown.
“Do you hear yourself? Are you listening to yourself, Tabitha? Now you’re telling me that I’m seeing things? You think I’m an idiot?”
I shrugged. “There has to be some other explanation.”
He glared at me and his eyes dropped to my mouth. This time it had nothing to do with kissing. I realized that I was chewing on my thumb. I hadn’t done that since the Rico Incident. He reached over and snatched my hand away from my mouth, but he didn’t release it. He held my hand, which was kind of gross considering I had just been gnawing on my thumb, but he seemed unconcerned with that. My hand burned under his touch, not the kind of burn that hurts, but the kind of burning that makes my whole body tingle.
“Tabitha,” Leo said my name on a sigh.
“I know what you said,” I snapped. “But my brother is fine. I’m sure of it.”
Leo’s thumb moved slowly over the back of my hand as he star
ed at me thoughtfully. Finally, after a long moment, he sighed again and said, “All right, I’m not going to push it, but be careful, okay? Keep your eyes open.”
I nodded, but I didn’t trust myself to speak. I didn’t want to believe that my brother was on drugs, but I was scared to death of the possibility.
He nudged my shoulder with his. “Let’s walk for a little while longer and then I’ll walk you back.”
I nodded again, still afraid to speak aloud.
Leo nudged me again and smiled deviously. “So, are you looking forward to seeing me in my swimming trunks and without a shirt on tomorrow?” he asked.
“Please,” I snorted. “Don’t make me puke.”
“Oh, Tacky,” he said, releasing my hand and wrapping an arm around my waist. “One day you will appreciate my enticing body.”
“Oh, I appreciate your enticing body, Leo. I just don’t care for the head attached to it.”
Leo was quiet for a few seconds and then asked, “Which head?”
I punched him in the side and his laughter echoed through the night.
Tack joined us a couple of days later. I tried to pretend that Leo had not told me his suspicions and what he had seen, but I found myself sticking close to my brother and watching him carefully. He didn’t behave differently. He didn’t look differently, either, but it’s not like he was going to wear a huge sign that said “I’m a drug addict.” Leo had to have been wrong. It had to be a mistake. Tack was fine. He was my big brother, the person whom I loved most in the world. I would know if something was wrong.
“What’s up, baby sister?” Tack asked, splashing me lightly. We were standing shin deep in the Atlantic, side by side.
“Nothing much.”
His eyebrows raised over his sunglasses. “Really? Because you’ve been up my ass since I got here. Like you have literally crawled up my ass and nestled yourself there.”
I made a screwed up face and shuddered at the description. “Why do you have to be so gross? That image is just…ew.” I shuddered again.
Tack laughed lightly. “Seriously, what’s going on with you?”
